It's Not What You Say, It's What They Hear

It's not what you say, It's what they hear

This has relevance everywhere, be it within family, with friends, at work, in teaching, advertising, formal communication........anywhere

I'm sure all of us have instances in our own lives where we've heard, or been part of,  those seemingly silly altercations between two people , like for instance

'that's not what you said' .......'I said exactly that'

'are you saying I didn't hear'.....'I'm saying I said that'

'are you implying I'm lying'....'I don't know all that, but I said it'

'you did not, why don't you get it'.....'did too, why don't you get it, you think i wouldn't know what I said'

and so on and so forth. Familiar right?

Why does this happen. The intent is right on both ends, yet this happens ever so often.

Who's at fault? Typically neither.

It's a lot to do with context. What is the space the other is listening from. Could they be in momentary 'lost in thought' space. Did you catch them in the middle of another thought. Could the words mean something else to them. Are they hearing through a filter that's changing meaning.

Any of these are possible.

Further, it's also possible that as the speaker, we might not be as clear or articulate as we think we are or intend to be at all times, particularly if you start in the middle of a thought, choose a wrong word or speak too quickly. Speakers make one or more of these mistakes quite often, and worse, rarely realize when they do.

And as you move from face to face, to telephone, to text, to email.....the possibilities of the gap only widen, as distance gives more space for misinterpretation.

And keep in mind that if the conversation is even mildly emotional, there's high chance for the negativity bias to kick in. What might seem neutral to the speaker, can be perceived as negative by the listener, that's a known natural tendency.

Net net, you intend to say one thing.....what's been heard is another. Done. End of story. It will have it's own outcome, at times lasting hours, at times days and at times even years.

It’s not easy, but the reality is that your outcomes from conversation will improve if we focus on what people 'hear' rather than what we 'say'. If you’re ok with the opposite then that’s fine; if not, then it's maybe worth the try.