Last week I met this guy who is in a live in relationship with his long term girlfriend. As we spoke, he was like "I'm not sure how to deal with this with my parents. they'll never accept it, they're looking for marriage proposals, how do I tell them"
And there's this girl I know, good job, independent, and under pressure to get married. She's considering marriage solely because of parental pressure. Says it would make her parents happy, and what's more, she said it's because the parents are thinking for her, keeping her needs in mind, because they care for her.
An older lady, who lives in Bangalore. She lost her husband two years back and now splits time between her two sons in different parts of America. She has her own flat in Bangalore and a good circle of friends, and would be happy to be living there. She says "my sons won't hear of it, they say I can't manage, they would be stressed thinking of me living alone. I'm bored and miserable there. The thing is they care for me, they love me so much, they are doing it for me, what can I do"
A friend who wants something as simple as 'walks alone'. The wife wants to go with him. And says, why would you not want to walk with me. He's like, that's the only time I could get alone, I'm getting frustrated to not be able to do that. But if I insist it would hurt her, I'd feel churlish and guilty even saying no, she after all cares for me, and wants to be with me,"
Really?????
Are all these coming out of love?
And if this is love, how really is this love even desirable. Doesn't it seem to be coming out of a space that binds and controls and manipulates.
Thich Nhat Hanh - "To love without knowing how to love, wounds the ones we love"
Love needs to be empowering, nurturing.... involve freedom and space and acceptance. While the instances above may seem apparent, they happen in varying forms to all of us. It's such layered and conditioned space, that we might unknowingly even be the perpetrators.
Worth thinking about.......
Interesting view! Where we mix attachments and love without realising or being aware of it.
ReplyDeleteHey RM....thanks, and you've captured it so well :)
ReplyDeletei don't know Smitha. I would hate to doubt the intentions. It could be that they are looking at it from their perspective as how they would want to be treated and so, giving you the same. Or, a deep social conditioning of roles.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the wife would be miserable going for a walk alone and so, insists on accompanying the husband. Maybe the children feel compelled to have the mother not left alone and believe the mother wanting to stay alone is just not to "be a burden"...
We do not have enough honest conversations between people.
The pivotal point I'd think is 'is it about you or the other, can I allow the space or do I decide for the other'. That said, yes, I'm a big one for open conversations too :)
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