A Most Cherished Convocation

I was in Bangalore for the Convocation of our one year Counselling Program. A culmination of an year that I can say, was at one time my most difficult and yet most cherished. And true enough the ceremony captured it's essence in all it's depth and meaning, something that Parivarthan steadfastly stands for in every facet of it's course and it's presence.

That's our proud moment.

While I can pour my heart out with all that it brought up, which it did in pretty overwhelming measure, I choose to put here excerpts from the speech that Thomas gave on our behalf. He did such a brilliant job of it, that I want to preserve it for posterity.

Over to Thomas (extreme left):

"As I stand here, I am conscious of more than a passing sense of irony. Over the past year as an integral part of my training, I was encouraged,- borderline coerced I think - to use “I” language, to speak for myself, to take responsibility for my statements and not to skulk behind the group by using the collective noun. And now here I am at the culmination of a rigorous course speaking on behalf of my course mates, using “we” language and free to disperse my responsibility among the batch. Perhaps this is a pointer to the many changes that await us now.

We, the BSIC batch of 2016-17 are a group of 9 women and 3 men, a representation common enough in our field. At first sight we are an odd bunch. We suspect that oddity was carefully engineered to produce the benefits that became apparent as the course began to unfold. The age difference between the youngest of us at 35 and the oldest at 66 was over 3 decades - more than a whole generation. Our educational fields spanned among others, commerce, law, psychology, defence studies, philosophy and literature. Our qualifications ranged from a Bachelor’s degree to a Doctorate. We had amongst us professors, corporate executives, an advertising and communications professional, home makers, lawyers, a defence serviceman and a financial services executive. Some careers were beginning, some completed. There were deeply religious people, agnostics and spiritual ones. We had different orientations, hailed from different parts of India - in other words almost a microcosm of our country.

We started our course with some trepidation. And our trepidation was well founded. We found all our dearest and closest held values and beliefs under question. And we were the ones who were doing the questioning under gentle ( well, sometimes not so gentle) but relentless encouragement. 

Certainty, we painfully learned, may not be a good thing. Even worse, there was possibly (yes everything was nebulous, half glimpsed, barely perceived) no such thing as a good thing or a bad thing. An action or behaviour could be appropriate or inappropriate given the circumstances or perhaps fall somewhere in-between. 

Confusion which was now spreading like a virus was seen as a good thing. Or rather, would have been seen as a good thing if indeed there was a good thing.Which, of course there wasn’t, heightening our sense of impotent bafflement.

Had we actually come here to reprise the semantic version of the medieval debate - how many angels could dance on the head of a pin? We were also reminded of our LST days and encouraged to shift away from feeling “good” or “fine”. We could be happy or joyful or even ecstatic. Or downcast or sad or sorrowful or despondent. And indeed most of us were.

Our bafflement approached levels of outrage as no answers were forthcoming. And we took our miseries to our trainers, our personal counsellors, our group therapy coordinator, to other members of the batch - indeed to anyone at all who would listen and perhaps to many who did not.

And we learned to look within, to think, to examine, to ponder. And all the while our client work continued - sessions, transcriptions, our observations of ourselves and our clients, supervisions - dreaded supervisions - homework. A seemingly endless round of grinding and polishing our skills as counsellors in training. Plus book readings, a group project and then slowly for some and not so slowly for others, things began to fall into place.

We started to understand something about ourselves - our feelings and emotions, our beliefs and values and where these could have its origins. We began to share our viewpoints, our difficulties and fears. And here our diversity kicked in. We glimpsed a range of possibilities that we may not have considered earlier. We started to loosen some of the rigid controls that we had over our feelings and emotions. Perhaps controls that had been in place for years, maybe decades. 

We learned to trust. Not only our batchmates and others in our safe space but also the process. We had little notion of where we were heading but put our faith in the process. We learned to work together under high pressure, in stressful situations and to resolve the conflicts that this threw up. 

We learned to accept feedback from the group as well as our facilitators without becoming defensive. We started to use this feedback to work on ourselves, to observe our blocks, to understand how they held us back and the possibilities that could unfold if we set these blocks aside. We also had glimpses of the sense of freedom brought about by shedding burdens under the weight of which we had staggered for so long. 

We started to become kinder to, and more caring of, ourselves. And through this perhaps a little more empathetic to those around including our clients. We learned not to set expectations for ourselves that were so high that we were constantly struggling to meet them. We learned to ask for help. And to accept it wholeheartedly when it was given. Which it was almost always. We learned to value, to celebrate the small victories and joys and take pleasure in them.

We learned that we were really not as non judgemental as we liked to believe. And then strived to be less judgemental. And through these shared struggles we developed trust, respect, affection and even love for each other, bonds that we hope will last as long as we do.

Above all we learned to accept that it was okay to be frail, to have weaknesses, difficulties and to acknowledge them. We learned that it was okay to be human; we did not have to be superhuman. And trying to communicate the essence of that humanity, could perhaps help us to establish a bond with the clients whom we seek to help."

Thomas, once again....that was so beautifully put, and thanks for sending me the transcript, with the cheeky 'one twelfth of that is yours anyways' :)

And Amen to 'the bonds lasting as long as we do'.

Musings - How Influence Happens

Yesterday Diksha narrated an incident saying "something cute happened last evening ma"

She walked into Fubar, and there were these two guys there who looked familiar. One of those where 'you know you know them but don't know who, and you can tell they know you but don't know who ' kinds.   

In a bit they got talking and then this guy says "Aah....Diksha, now I remember. years back, in school, 9th class, we were all getting a drop in one car. I'd thrown a paper out of the car window and you were the girl, you made me get off and pick it up". 

Diksha was apparently listening surprised, and he goes on "well, and you should know, since then I have never thrown a paper out, and each time I even see someone do it, I think of you"

She was so amazed......amazed by how that one gesture had influenced him for life.

To me it so beautifully brought out 'Be the change you wish to see in the world'

A Narrow Escape

As I sit down to write, I find myself fluctuating between anger at the 'callousness of our road authorities' and 'gratitude to my guardian angel'.

I'm driving home last night, and it's pretty late and I get stuck behind this religious procession on the road leading home. 

The chariot has these super bright multi colored radium lights, pretty much blinding me, the music is loud enough to be deafening, quite a crowd, and the men dancing in pretty inebriated condition too. I'm stuck for a good ten minutes, and then I find there's space enough on the right to drive through, and I tried. 

I suddenly see... hear (I don't even know which) these three guys gesture wildly and scream 'nahi madam'. God knows how I even heard over the din .......guess that's why 'guardian angel' :)

I then see this huge ditch, which must be easily two feet deep, and wide enough and long enough to fit a tyre. (I took the picture this morning).

Even backing up from there was so scary, my hands were visibly shaking, because part of the tyre was already on the pit sideways. Heart in mouth I did.

I can't imagine what might have happened if I'd driven even another second.

Well, a recall of experience and the gratitude has taken over :)

Also the resolve to do what it takes to get this to the authorities.

Heartbreaking and Enriching

The Women's World Cup final was just that. Heartbreaking a.n.d Enriching

Heartbreaking, I guess because we feel for our girls. 

Above that I'd say was the 'Enriching'. Again for just that. For just seeing them there. The energy, the grit, the confidence, the sport, and all those wonderful things we saw in full measure...and then the naivety or honesty. In fact it is that I choose to write about. 

                        

I was at my dad's, and watching with him for a short while, when I happened to catch a run out from Deepti Sharma.  A direct hit on the wickets which saw Brunt out. What touched me deepest was Deepti's reaction. It was at one time so spontaneous, and so very endearing. 

Her energy and focus in the throw, her jubilation at seeing it get Brunt out, and then her shy and embarrassed sticking out of her tongue at the reaction it evoked. It was so cute, I can still smile at recall. At that moment I saw that it was not about women playing a man's game, or being as good as a man there, but about playing a great game and yet being all woman even on field. 

Was enough for me to cancel rest of evenings program to watch the match through. 

While the match itself was everything that a game can be, right to the end, what also stayed with me were a few facets beyond the game.

Just to see the energy in the stadium, to see Lord's packed to capacity for a women's cricket match, knowing friends and cousins were betting on the match, pubs were running the match to full capacity, an estimated 100 million viewers world wide..........sure felt like a milestone for women's cricket. Deep feel good feeling for sure.

Also what caught my attention; amongst some really annoying advertisements, were two brilliant ads. 

One of Amir Khan - 'Gurdeep Singh and Daughters'.

A sweetmeat shop owner, with pride giving full credit for expansion to his daughters. Calls the shop 'Gurdeep Singh and Daughters'. We're so used to '& Sons' '& Brothers', we don't even realize how subconscious an acceptance that is. What a powerful message in that one line. Wow !

Another advertisement was a policybazaar.com, an insurance reselling portal I think. It had a transgender as husband of the family and what's more, he was cross dressed too. Another huge Wow !!

Sure came back enriched at so many levels.

Café Society

A Woody Allen after a long while. It's one of his latest, in fact you can feel his age in his voice-over narratives which are an integral part of his story telling. He never fails to bring up the quirkiness of human nature, and it's refreshing...maybe just to not have to be right (??) all the time.

                                    

The movie starts with a swanky hollywood party, full with dropping names and high society etiquette. Young Bobby (Jessie Eisenberg)  is leaving New York for the glitz and glamour of Hollywood  and comes to his uncle Phil for help. He falls in love with Vonnie, (Kristen Stewart) his uncle's secretary, who is already in an affair with the (well married) uncle.

Vonnie, while also in love with Bobby, is torn in between, atleast for a short bit. Just until she realizes that the uncle is all set to leave his wife to marry her and she chooses money and fame over Bobby.

Bobby goes back to New York, becomes a successful night club manager, grows from a boy to man, falls in love with a beautiful socialite. And just when his life is nicely back on track, Vonnie walks back into his life again.

It has all those emotional conflicts that are Woody Allen's favorite spaces, moral dilemmas, broken dreams, suppressed desires....supposedly all ideas that come out of his own psychoanalysis sessions with his therapist, and guess he talks for many.

Somethings Gotta Give

An old fashioned romantic comedy, two individuals poles apart in personality, seemingly most unlikely to sync, who yet find a beautiful relationship together. 

                                          

Harry (Jack Nicholson) is an ageing casanova, who has never dated anyone above 30, is clear he doesn't want deeper stuff. Erica (Diane Keaton) is a famous playwright, a divorcee who is happy to have found herself and her independence, sitting totally content in 'relationship retired space'. 

The movie starts with Erica's daughter dating Harry, and bringing him to their beach house, when Erica and her sister walk in. Erica is too worldly wise to even have an opinion on the kind of men  or their age, her daughter is dating. The four decide to anyways stay on the weekend, and do their own thing. Circumstances put Harry and Erica in the beach house by themselves for a few days.

You'd think it should get easier as you grow older, yet it's quite the opposite. There's one moment when you see both Erica and Harry break down and cry, and while it can seem inappropriate, you also see their humanity and vulnerability which was kept nicely hidden behind defences built over the years, and you know it's more real than contrived.

And while Harry is strong on his opinion on why he doesn't want commitment, and Erica is getting prepositioned by the much younger doctor in town (Keanu Reeves), you know from the start that Harry and Erica will fall in love. 

Yet the witticisms, the quirks,  the emotions, the heartbreaks.....all go to make a neat movie. It's smart on conversation, as we see the strong resistance between each.  Like when Harry says 'I have never lied to you, I have always told you some version of the truth', and Erica's like "I was happy in my away from relationship space, these emotions, I don't know how to deal with anymore".

Even after the movie ends, their smiles stay with you, they comes so much from the heart.

Insensitive, or Plain Stupid?

One of my neighbouring houses has a long long driveway.

The white gate in the middle, and the drive way goes on maybe double what's visible.

The guy in the house will come with his car, and honk for the watchman to open the gate. The watchman is this really bent over, skinny old village guy (my bias, because he wears only dhothi ). He's mostly at the gate, under the tree outside, but when it's raining I guess he's somewhere nearer the main house. It then takes him a good two minutes to hobble nobble his way to the gate. 

Last night, it's half past 12, and I happened to be standing in the balcony and enjoying the time of night and the drizzle. This guy comes and honks....within two seconds he honks again, and again. He's literally disturbing the entire neighbourhood. 

The fourth honk, and I can feel my blood pressure going up. I was ready to protest all the way from my balcony (adding to waking up the neighborhood), when I saw the watchman slowly making his way to the gate.

And I'm thinking....what would it take for him to give the watchman the two minutes before his second honk? In fact, why even the first. Could he have just flashed his headlight? Or maybe think that the old man might have dozed off, and get his ass off the car  to open the gate himself.

I wonder, is it just insensitive......to the old man, to the neighbors, to the quiet and serenity of midnight, or is he just plain bloody stupid.

It's at moments like these that I find it hard to be non judgmental  :)

Before We Visit The Goddess

A beautiful and powerful novel by Chitra Banarjee Divakaruni. I've loved her books ever since I read 'Mistress of Spices' way back in 1997. There's something about her writing that seems to directly touch the soul.

                                  

I read just four pages, and I found myself literally enthralled. 

It's a story that interweaves the lives of three generations of mothers and daughters, each in their own way, strong, independent thinking women, who seek their strength from within, and in each other. Their stories and lives are torn apart by their own ambitions and journeys, yet there is this thread that connects. 

It starts in rural Bengal, and unfolds through Kolkata, and then Texas, America.

Sabitri, the daughter of a sweet maker in a rich household yearns to get an education, and what at one point seems an impossible dream, turns to reality when Leelamoyi, the mistress of the house agrees to take her to Kolkata and educate her. Her stay there is so sensitively dealt with, a layer even below the servants, as neither the servants nor the rest of family understands her presence there.

And then the generosity turns vicious when Sabitri takes the unforgivable step of finding companionship with Rajiv, Leelamoyi's son, and her dreams of an education crumble.

Years later, her daughter Bela, elopes to America with a political refugee lover, against her mothers pleas. All the way to America, and she finds that neither the country, nor her lover are what she had imagined they would be.

And through the ensuing misery and difficulty, she finds her transformation coming through a friend, a man who is half her age and gay. She is also confronted with a difficult relationship with her daughter, one that is as rocky as the one she had with her mother.

And we have Tara, as strong willed as her mother and grandmother, totally American, a stereotypical rebel, with drugs, eyebrow piercings and spiked hair. She is in one sense quite the opposite of her grandmother; while her grandmother yearned for education, Tara throws away her education to find alternate means of living.

And later we realize that it's not that Tara's dreams are regressive, they are just different.

The men in their lives have a presence, fairly strong too, yet they seem to drift in and out, and none of the women crumble despite let downs and betrayals, be it father, husband or lover. In fact it is interesting how each of the women have a transformative influence from a man who has no labeled relationship with them.

What stays is the complex threads that bind across generations and continents, bind with an understanding and love that's beyond judgement and expectations, told in a symphony of voices.

Her prose at times reads like poetry: “She lifts her eyes, and there is death in the corner, but not like a king with iron crown, as the epics claimed. Why, it is a giant brush loaded with white paint. It descends upon her with gentle suddenness, obliterating the shape of the world.”. You almost find the lilt in your voice as you read.

Some deep questions that run through the novel .... 'what does it mean to be a successful woman?' 'what is a family?', and she seems to say, despite influence and conditioning, these answers lie within.

Musings - On 'Trust'

You put a word like 'Trust' out there and ask what it means, you can be sure you'll get varying definitions and thoughts. Yet it's a word used easily and carelessly, and sadly damagingly too.

The deeper you look at it, more you realize it has several connotations.  Yet, the reason I'm even touching this today is because I heard this sentence in pretty close context, and it brought me face to face with atleast some of those connotations.

"There is nothing like complete trust, especially between two women" said someone I hold in high esteem.

I agree. (with the first half ). However, having agreed, I do not subscribe.

Is this then a matter of perception, is trust subjective? Yes, it seems to be so. It's more an attitude.

For deep-dive, I'll break the sentence into two. One, 'There is nothing like complete trust' and two, 'especially between women'.

The first is theoretically true,  there are after all no absolutes. Yet, I'd say...it's about how 'you' live life. Your attitude. 

Sure, if you put a gun to my head or worse, to a close ones head, maybe trust will go out the window. But is that how we want to live life. Living in trust is no guarantee that nothing painful or dangerous would ever happen to us. Such guarantees don't exist in life. It is rather a way of responding to life. What are the chances that someone will put that gun to my head.

Living in trust is a willingness to risk that, and maybe even risk the cost of being burnt once or twice, to the alternative of living in fear and letting that influence ones decisions and ones way of life.

We are so tuned into protection and defense that mitigating risk is a compelling need, and it adversely impacts life, especially relationships as that's where trust plays out.

In fact research indicates that when we repair lost trust, a relationship is even more robust than when trust is never broken. This research finding made so much sense to me. It values living with vulnerabilities, and reassures through knowing we can recover. This in fact enables more trust.

As for the second, 'especially among women', I'd say conditioning. It was likely true at one stage when men and women had role defined lives, men as providers and women as home makers. (lack of trust after all does come from insecurity), and I'd like to believe it's by and large a thing of the past.

Life is so much more beautiful with trust, than with fear. Paradoxically not easier maybe, but more beautiful and fulfilling. 

Masaan

What a deeply touching movie. Two tender love stories set against the powerful and disturbing backdrop of the burning ghats and funeral pyres of Varanasi. 

Masaan, is a colloquial term for smashaan (crematorium). It's like the fire of the cremations burns itself through everything in the movie, the love, passion, anger, integrity or sorrow, they're all at intense levels. The first fifteen minutes is so dramatic, and so sad that I sat with palms on face and watched.

Devi Pathak (Richa Chadha) holds the fire even in her eyes. She was simply amazing. 

We have no background of the love affair, it starts with Devi getting caught in the act, police raids in seedy hotels. The boyfriend is so shaken that he kills himself. 

And we have a cop who's got enough photos there to blackmail. She lives with her ageing father who runs a small store on the ghats, and they both are up against the bad cop. She's a spirited and strong girl, speaks little, but you know she feels neither guilt nor shame. When the cop asks what she was doing in the hotel room, she throws one word at him "jigyasa" (curiosity). 

Her father and she struggle to pay off the blackmailer. She survives it against all odds, head held high, and after the ugly issue with the cop is done, she goes on in search of her boyfriends parents in Allahabad. The moral integrity there is just so so powerful. And therein she finds her redemption and closure.

A parallel story is a sweet love story that develops between Deepak (Vicky Kaushal) and Shaalu (Swetha). Vicky Kaushal was again simply amazing. You can see the process of his falling in love in just the way his face lights up when he talks to her, or hears of her, and his little gestures that make his joy palpable. 

That's yet another tragic end. You connect to him so much, that when he breaks down, you break down with him.

And hidden beneath all that is his angst. He belongs to the families who live on Harishchandra ghat, in the little houses that overlook the constantly burning pyres. The family is engaged in the pyre burning, piling up of the bodies, smashing of skulls and all the gore that goes with it. This is no Varanasi that we see from the boats on the Ganges, it's from within, life and death seen from it's closest. 

While it is the typical story of a lower caste boy in love with an upper caste girl, I loved how there was no glorification or drama attached. She's quite clear from the word go; says her family is still stuck in the ghissi pitti sonch ( the stuck up caste beliefs) 'so be prepared to run away and get married' she says. It's not even about her being prepared, she's willing to take on the whole responsibility. Bold and new age. 

There's also the role of new tech and social media that's so vividly brought forth. It's fb and coaching centers that enable bridging of the caste gap. Their paths would otherwise never meet. A meeting ground of what was (is) and what can be (is).

It ends with both the stories getting neatly woven in together. I loved the symbolism of them getting off the steps of the ghats and stepping into a boat in the Ganges..... to let a new flow begin.

Musings - Hijacked by Love

Last week I met this guy who is in a live in relationship with his long term girlfriend. As we spoke, he was like "I'm not sure how to deal with this with my parents. they'll never accept it, they're looking for marriage proposals, how do I tell them"

And there's this girl I know, good job, independent, and under pressure to get married. She's considering marriage solely because of parental pressure. Says it would make her parents happy, and what's more, she said it's because the parents are thinking for her, keeping her needs in mind, because they care for her.

An older lady, who lives in Bangalore. She lost her husband two years back and now splits time between her two sons in different parts of America. She has her own flat in Bangalore and a good circle of friends, and would be happy to be living there. She says "my sons won't hear of it, they say I can't manage, they would be stressed thinking of me living alone. I'm bored and miserable there. The thing is they care for me, they love me so much, they are doing it for me, what can I do"

A friend who wants something as simple as 'walks alone'. The wife wants to go with him. And says, why would you not want to walk with me. He's like, that's the only time I could get alone, I'm getting frustrated to not be able to do that. But if I insist it would hurt her, I'd feel churlish and guilty even saying no,  she after all cares for me, and wants to be with me,"

Really?????

Are all these coming out of love?

And if this is love, how really is this love even desirable. Doesn't it seem to be coming out of a space that binds and controls and manipulates. 

Thich Nhat Hanh - "To love without knowing how to love, wounds the ones we love"

Love needs to be empowering, nurturing.... involve freedom and space and acceptance. While the instances above may seem apparent, they happen in varying forms to all of us. It's such layered and conditioned space, that we might unknowingly even be the perpetrators. 

Worth thinking about.......

Chokher Bali

It's based on a 1902 novel by Rabindranath Tagore, called 'Binodini'. Can be called a story of drama and deceit, or sensuality and its denial. Rituparno Ghosh's tagline says 'passion play' which it is, whichever way you look at it.

It's set in Bengal of pre-partition times, and the period element of the movie makes a beautiful backdrop to what plays out in the old Bengali household.

Binodini (Aishwarya Rai) a widow comes to live as companion to a matriarch of a wealthy household.  An added twist is that her son Mahendra (Prasanjeet Chatterji) and his close friend Behari had both rejected a proposal of Binodini in the arrogance of youth, by not even having bothered to look at her picture. And now, while Mahendra is just married and yet besotted by his new wife, he can't resist the sensuous and seductive Binodini.

There's parallely a nice friendship that develops between Ashalatha, (Raima Sen) the wife and Binodini, they call each other chokher bali (sand in the eye). But the friendship falls victim to the passion between Mahendra and Binodini. Raima Sen did a wonderful job of the naive but mature Ashalatha who defends her friend against her husband, holds him responsible for the affair, and not Binodini. She yet can't take the betrayal, and leaves for Kasi.

 

It's hard to figure out Binodini's character, she's this complex character; articulate, intelligent, non conformist, and parts which seemed genuine want or was it shaded with a tinge of revenge, or maybe both. Intriguing for sure.

There is also his close friend Behari, a confirmed bachelor who makes up the menage e quatre, and while actually being in love with Ashalatha, at some point also gets attracted to Binodini. 

Mahendra and Behari are yet thinking of how they will resolve their emotions, their situations, plus deal with the social taboo of marrying a widow, when the story takes a turn as Binodini takes decisions into her own hands and puts to end any possibilities. 

Guess she says it all, when she says she is defined by three identities, a woman, english educated and a widow, so her own deeper self, and her sensuality is denied her. 

The passionate story apart, the movie is lush and languorous, moves slowly over three hours with elaborate settings and luxuriant detail of period living. It's one of those movies you want to have in your list of seens.

Also, I'd read a long time back that Tagore had in later life said he really wished he had ended the story differently. Makes one curious.

An Online Treasure House

For those who might be interested, here's a few sites which offer courses and lectures online, and most of them even free of cost. 

There are so many really good ones out there, and also each university, including the biggies like Harvard, Oxford, Yale and Stanford, has its own online portal which offers many of their classroom lectures free of cost. 

Yay.....for an open source world.

1. Coursera.org

Coursera.org is a website that partners with universities and organizations around the world. It brings a wide variety of topics and perspectives to one searchable database, and includes courses from many top universities, museums and trusts.

2. Open Culture

The page highlights 1000 lectures, videos and podcasts from universities around the world and features a lot of material found only on university private sites.

3. Udemy

Udemy’s courses are similar in concept to Coursera’s but it additionally allows users to build custom courses from lessons. Working with many top professors and schools, the site mixes the customizable platform of other sites with a heavy emphasis on top quality content. This is a site that mixes free and paid content.

4. iTunesU Free Courses

A very convenient place for free online education, because it integrates seamlessly with your iPod, or any app-ready Apple device. Courses are often a mix of free podcasts or videos, and paid content. It does include courses on a pretty wide scope of topics.

Ironically enough, the one series that first caught my attention as I browsed around happened to be on itunes, and I don't use apple products. Plus the site said this worked only on apple products. 

But lo and behold, not true. I tried and found we can download the itunes app on a windows system too. That's how I got to my Stanford lecture yesterday !

Can We Really Control Our Emotions

Yesterday Swaroop sent me a few links saying he was planning to do a course from 'Coursera', and I was once again reintroduced to the fund of brilliant stuff available online.

In the process of browsing, I came across a podcast of a lecture series titled 'How to Think like a Psychologist', which quite naturally I guess, caught my attention. 

One of the lectures I fully listened to was 'Can We Really Control Our Emotions' by James Gross, a professor of psychology, at Stanford.

Here's a synopsis:

Emotions are something everyone has, there's positive emotions and negative emotions, neither good or bad, each having it's function depending on context and personality.

Positive emotions are nice .....they help relationships, increase creative flow, higher productivity and so on.

Negative emotions are also not always bad .... there are many a times they can help, maybe like fear to energize or to stay alert, or anger to self protect.

What we would want to look at is the negative emotions that are not helpful. How best can we handle the emotions that drag us down.

And a deeper question for the sceptics. Why?

Because it matters. That's a given, because they cause conflict and pain, to oneself and to others. At an individual level, at a relationship level, and at a wider level even between communities and countries.

Now that we have the why out of the way, lets look at the 'What' and 'How'.

What are Emotions?

Emotions as commonly believed, are not just feelings. Sure, feelings are a major component, but they also have a behavioral and physiological component. Behaviorally, they help us prepare our response, have appropriate cognitive consequences. With emotions things stick better. They help us track what we care about, what's important to us. The physiological we will look at in due course.

His fundamental question was of Expression. Emotion and it's Expression.

There is now enough research in the area to indicate that expression of an emotion is a part of what it means to have that emotion. Your expression, what plays out on your face magnifies or diminishes the emotion. Expression influences the emotional trajectory. The trajectory is feeling - behavior - physiological

Expressing positive emotions, enable the emotion, the feeling, the behavior and the physiology. Yet not expressing a negative emotion does not help it wither away.

If you bottle up the emotion, turn down the behavior, you will have impact on physiology.They travel together.

And this is the concept that underlies a lot of health psychology.

If you deny the expression, it's going to bubble up again in other channels. Suppression does not mean everything goes down. As one goes down, something else goes up. 

You denying it it's channel of expression has immediate impact on blood pressure, the cardiovascular system, and body temperature.

Physiology is magnified with suppression. Chronic suppression results in serious health concerns.

We can control our emotions through suppression, but know there are consequences.

Suppression is also 'cognitively costly' . Research has proven that with suppression, later memory of the instance gets impacted as a lot of energy gets expended in the process of suppression.

And what's worse, the suppression of one individual in a relationship can have the same impact on the other person in the relationship. You suppress and the others blood pressure goes up. So, suppression is also 'socially costly' , as also assessed through partner reports of lesser rapport.

So the question is, 'are there ways to regulate emotions' ?

Does thinking differently help regulate. Decreased expression of negative emotion, not by suppression, but by intercepting the emotion and retracking. And what are the best ways to regulate?

Reappraisal .

Reappraisal is modifying the meaning of the situation to change it's impact. Reappraisal helps not just feel better, and look better, but also decreases autonomic and endocrinal responses.

It's worth a try. Look at it this way. An action has an emotion because it's getting filtered through your belief. That's the frame that can be changed. Knowing which belief is serving you and which not.

Also being flexible.

Flexible enough to know when the exceptions are needed. For instance in anger at bad behavior. Rationalization or reframing in such situations will mean justification, and can result in acceptance of even unacceptable behavior.

Acknowledge and recognize the emotion, know when it's serving you and when not, that's the only way you know when you need to reframe and when not.  The consequence is not just a more peaceful you, but also a healthier you. Worth the awareness, what say?

The Japanese Wife

Based on Kunal Basu's book, the movie is a story of an unusual relationship between a Bengali man and a Japanese girl, one that redefines long distance relationship. They start as penpals. And it grows to exchanging marriage vows through letters, without even setting eyes on each other.

                                     

Snehamoy (Rahul Bose) is a school teacher in a small village in the Sunderbans, and Miyagi, (Chigusa Takaku) a girl who runs a grocery store in rural Japan. 

He lives with his maushi, the inimitable Moushumi Chatterji, who tries getting him married to her friends daughter, Sandhya (the beautiful Raima Sen), and when he writes to Miyagi about the meeting with Sandhya, she proposes marriage. They build a beautiful relationship, all through a weekly exchange of letters, the blue and red aerograms of yesteryears. They write in great detail, and there's little gifts when they can afford it. Over the thirty five years, all surplus money is spent on postage.

Slowly his room grows to represent her,  Japanese kites and  lots of other very Japanese looking paper work, and she wears bangles and sindoor that he sends her. In fact it's so deep that the entire village is bought into the story and it's accepted as the most natural thing. This sustains despite the beautiful Sandhya coming back to live in their house, as a widow with a young child.

It's like a minimalist everything, like the haiku Miyagi refers to in the beginning of the movie. So much said and felt in so little space. And again, also as turbulent as the sunderbans. filled with unfulfilled passion, and longing represented by his doing himself on a rocking boat. But through it all there's just more depth and poignancy, than sadness. 

The performances are brilliant, Rahul Bose with his village boy look, Raima sen as the adoring and shy widow, moushumi, even as maushi, is still as vivacious. Aparna Sen..well, guess the movie talks.

Anay Goswami's cinematography was visual poetry of the almost alien and devastating landscape of the Sunderbans.

I watched the movie in Bengali, as I couldn't find one with subtitles, and yet it kept me glued. Says a lot for the movie.

The Resilience of a Butterfly

My balcony seems to be attracting many a winged creature. Its only a few windows that are openable, and once they're in, they don't seem to be able to differentiate between open and closed. In fact you can't blame them, the two on the left which seem open are also closed, just  lighter pane :)

Last week this little bird was in for a whole day, chirping so loud, and flapping around on the glass endlessly. So difficult to watch.  It was a baby bird, and just me entering the balcony was sending it into a tizzy, so I just let it  be......the few hours it took to find it's way out.

And yesterday, it was a little butterfly. I could hear the desperate flapping of its wings against the glass, and try as I might I couldn't get it out. Diksha even tried holding it by its wings to let it out, yet couldn't. In fact evening she messaged from out asking if I'd been able to let it out. I said no, but I couldn't hear it, so it must have gone.

The wonder of it was, a whole day later, I go out to find it still trying. I was amazed at how it had survived so much flapping, and what it might have had for nourishment through more than twenty four hours. 

This time I was determined to do what it takes, and set about with all the right tools, and was actually  rewarded with seeing it happily fly away. 

The resilience of that delicate and apparently fragile creature is what stood out for me. Learning there for sure.

"But what if it works?"

From Seth

"But what if it works?"

Fear of success is at least as big a challenge as fear of failure.

Because if it works, things are going to change.

Are you ready for that?

What The Harry Potter Series Did

That we still see press on Harry Potter, that Dhruva can still watch reruns of Harry Potter, that he will still dust and clean and keep the books with care....they all say something huge about Harry Potter.

Guess it's aptly put by Oprah Winfrey “The greatest thing Harry Potter has given the world, is the freedom to use our imagination” 

Thanks to dhruva, I've myself watched reruns multiple times, and with my usual habit of writing stuff down, I found a bunch of notes from it the other day. It's after all so true that there's nothing you can't learn from.

From  Aldus Dumbledore, an accepted source of wisdom:

"It is our choices Harry, that show us what we truly are, far more than our abilities"

"Dark and Difficult times lie ahead. Soon, we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy"

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

"To a well organized mind, death is but the next adventure"

“Words are in my not-so-humble opinion, the most inexhaustible form of magic we have, capable both of inflicting injury and remedying it.”

One from Sirius Black

“If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals” 

One from Hermione

I love the courage and gumption of Hermione and this one when she's letting it all out to Ron who she's in a relationship with, brought out the smile

"Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have " 

One from Severus Snape

He's a favorite, but frankly he became one more because he's Dhruva's favourite I think, He was Dhruva's favourite right from the beginning, and I'd wonder at why or how Dhruva could like such an ambiguous and gray character (showed me I was more judgmental than I thought) 

Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and found his eyes were full of tears.

Dumbledore: "After all this time?"

"Always," said Snape.

Hope Springs - Movie Review

This movie was recommended to me more from the counselling perspective, a significant part of the movie. And true enough, it was a nice watch from that angle. Even otherwise, a pretty hard hitting film in it's honest touching of the issue of intimacy in set and patterned relationships, in fact in even apparently good marriages.

And with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, well, their sensitive and vulnerable portrayals took the movie to a whole different level.

After three decades of being together, it's a marriage that's well set, a couple who evidently care for each other, yet a deeper look reveals serious cracks. The effort is to bridge those cracks, bring back the intimacy that's faded over the years. Intimacy in terms of sharing authentic space, not just physical intimacy, but also thoughts and feelings.

The movie starts with life in daily routine, one of respectability and safety. Children and grandchildren visiting for an anniversary and on the surface it all seems fine.

While Arnold (Jones) seems set into the pattern, Kay (Streep) is in very unhappy space. She wants to be able to express and share more than just routine, and he doesn't believe in talking about feelings, in fact he doesn't seem to even feel any.

It's subtle in its bringing out how seemingly stable marriage can rot from within, even when there is nothing said,  no shouting, no throwing dishes, no objections.....in fact no nothing. Just the life of detail. It is a state of two people having drifted apart, and having different expectations of a marriage. Common enough I guess.

She's unhappy, near breaking point, and she wants to do something about it. There's one conversation with her friend which brings out the risk she's taking by shaking that perfect fascade,  but she seems determined. Says she doesn't want to be lonely in a relationship.

Kay takes the plunge, and manages to get a most reluctant Arnold to a one week intensive couple counselling therapy. Arnold goes just to keep the peace.

The therapist Dr. Feld (Steve Carell) was amazing. He holds out against Arnolds explicit scepticism and anger.

He goes in step by step, layer by layer, exercise by exercise.  And as each layer unpeels, you realize how differences and misunderstandings have accumulated baggage over the years. Arnold has withdrawn into a shell, he can't bear even being touched. Net net they live in the same physical space with solid walls around each other.

In the end when they're leaving, yet not sorted, Carell says, "there are many clients who come to me where it is evident they should never have been married in the first place, you are not one of them, so continue to try".

It ends happy, but you know it's not been reached easy, and could as easily have gone the other way. The movie is audacious enough to attempt to ask the tough questions with less drama, and more authenticity.

It's a tough choice.....to even ask those questions.

Mann Ke Manjeere

Mann Ke Manjeere, by Shubha Mudgal - an old song, ten years old in fact. And it's based on a true story, which makes it that much more powerful.

It came up in conversation with Vishakha the other day, and she was like, do you remember it, especially the video, it's a lovely one, I'd sent it to you then (pre youtube days).

And you all over again marvel at how it's no more about finding the right cassette or cd or even email, and that it's just a click away. (And we actually wonder, and at that condescendingly, at why this generation is tuned into instant gratification :)

Here's some interesting information on the song from wikipedia:

Mann ke Manjeeré was a music video, and ultimately an entire campaign created by human rights organization Breakthrough which promoted women's rights. 

Breakthrough was launched with Mann ke Manjeeré: An Album of Women's Dreams, which won the 2001 National Screen Award in India for best music video. The full campaign, focused on promoting women's rights and bringing attention to domestic violence, is based on the music video and album of the same name.

The aesthetically and emotionally powerful music video was shot by Shoojit Sircar and Gary and tells the true story of Shameem Pathan, who courageously broke out of her abusive marriage and became a truck driver to support herself and her child away from her violent husband. 

It's sung by Shubha Mudgal, composed by Shantanu Moitra, with lyrics by Prasoon Joshi. Mita Vashisht, (another favorite), stars in the music video, which was viewed by over 20 million people worldwide. The Hindu described the impact of Mann ke Manjeeré saying, "Mann ke Manjeeré has made a breakthrough by claiming public space for women's aspirations."

Inner Engineering - A Yogi's Guide To Joy

'Inner Engineering - A Yogi's Guide To Joy', by Sadhguru

Having done the three day 'Inner Engineering Course' of Isha Yoga, I thought the book would largely consist of what was spoken off in the course. 

In fact you'd think he'd have someone write the book out of his sermons and talks, but you open the first page, and you know it's all him. Not just in terms of the depth and clarity, but the wit and paradoxically, irreverance too, (the very first chapter is titled 'The four lettered word') and the energy of the book itself. 

Though he says it's not a self help book, it's a book filled with insights and awareness, including the sadhna (practice) needed to gently get you onto a path of conscious evolution, and one that is based on the premise that it is possible for the human being to consciously evolve.

He says, unlike biological evolution, which happens without your conscious participation, spiritual evolution can happen consciously. All it takes is willingness.

It's structured and scientific in approach, he breaks it down into the physical body, the mind, the energy body and the spirit, and talks of what it takes to align and find synergy to evolve on the spiritual path.

The quality of our lives is determined by our ability to respond to the varied complex situations that we encounter. If the ability to respond with intelligence, competence, and sensitivity is compromised by a compulsive or reactive approach, we are enslaved by the situation. It means we have allowed the nature of our life experience to be determined by our circumstances, not by us.

The walls of self-preservation that you build for today are the walls of self-imprisonment for tomorrow. Boundaries that you establish in your life as a protection for yourself today will feel like constraints tomorrow.

In that sense it's also a book of psychology, as it talks of turning inward, rather than outward.

Yoga is not about being superhuman; it is about realizing that being human is super, says he.

Deepak Chopra says it nicely - ‘Inner Engineering is a fascinating read, rich with Sadhguru’s insights and his teachings. If you are ready, it is a tool to help awaken your own inner intelligence, the ultimate and supreme genius that mirrors the wisdom of the cosmos’

I recall one meditation workshop of Sadhguru's I'd attended years ago, and one of the things that stayed, is the simple analogy he used to talk of the relevance of a tool. He said, if you want to open a box that is screwed shut, you need the right tool. If you decided your hands are enough, or use the wrong tools, you will not only spend much longer at it, you will likely damage both your hands and the box in the process. The most efficient way is to use a screw driver. With a screw driver, it will seem like magic. 

While in the workshop he was talking of meditation as the tool to turn inward, I'd say this book offers several insights and tools, should we be willing,  to walk the path of conscious evolution, and walk the path in exuberance and joy.

Vignettes and Quotes - Judging

If there's one person who I think I would like to have met, and known personally, it is Carl Jung. The depth that comes through in some of his lines. They are almost like a beacon towards clarified thinking.

"Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge"

Think about how much we all do this. Just pause to catch yourself on one day. Any conversation, about another, with another, with self.....and you'll realize there is more judging happening, than you want or intend or realize.

Judging others is so easy.

We all have a framework through which we look at the world. One that's been created of our own upbringing, exposure and conditioning. And everything perceived and thought of, is filtered through that framework.

Think about it. We have a sense of good dressing, religious beliefs, sense of success, acceptable behavior, relationship norms........ they create our entire system of 'right' and 'wrong'. Anything that fits is right...what doesn't subscribe becomes an aberration and something we don't approve of, and we're ready to judge. Worse still.......judge the person who holds them for even holding them.

When it comes to our own lives, we approve of our own actions. Not because they are right. There is no absolute 'right', but because it aligns with our own beliefs.

What would it take to accept that each individual similarly has their own worldview, and each will function from their own space. And at that a dynamic space....an evolving space.

We 'get' that, and I'd wager we've cracked something. The world could start to look different. Words like 'right and wrong', 'good and bad' could disappear from your frame. You'll likely only be left with 'what works for you' and 'what may not', and for the rest, what you'll feel is only love and compassion.

Imagine so much love and compassion in the world.

Musings - The How Of Things

How much the  'How You Say It' matters

Gifted - Movie Review

It's not a new story I guess..... yet it's so beautifully told.

Frank Adler (Chris Evans), a single man, is raising his seven year old niece Mary, a precocious whiz kid, a mathematical prodigy, in a small rural town in Florida. There's a beautiful relationship there, with some brilliant acting, loads of love and fun intelligent banter. 

An idyllic setting, intruded upon by Frank's mother, Mary's grandmother, who has high ambitions for the child, and there is the ensuing custody battle for Mary. A trans generational custody battle between the powerful and rich grandmother, and the reclusive and caring uncle. (the mother, a mathematical genius herself, committed suicide and left Mary in Frank's care)

Yes, that's a dead give away. The movie is that predictable, yet with a depth and freshness that's alluring, and all heart.

The relationship between Frank and Mary has some lovely moments. He wakes her up from bed and coaxes her out on her first day of school, saying he has special breakfast for her, and when she's eating her cereal, she recalls and asks whats's special, and he turns around the Kellogs box to show 'Kellogs special'. So cute.

A sequence in silhouette, against a setting sun, when she asks him if there's god. And he's like 'I don't know' and she's like 'just tell me, Roberta knows, how do you not know' and Frank's like " what Roberta has is faith, I can't tell you what to have faith in" "What about Jesus?" " Jesus, that's different, that guy's a rockstar, but god, I don't know'. Loved the level of thought and respect in dealing with a seven year old.

And then there's the perspective of her grandmother Evelyn "she's not a normal child, she's gifted, treating her as normal is negligence on a grand scale". The movie does bring out varying facets of dealing with a gifted mind, the moral dilemma I guess 'Is it about what such a mind owes to society, and if yes, at what cost to oneself'. Deeply relevant.

She forces a separation. And I'd be amazed if there's a dry eye in that moment. 

There's the sensitive and kind school teacher Bonnie played by Jenny Slate, who recognizes Mary's abilities right off, and in supporting it also gets romantically involved with the uncle. There's nice chemistry there, which apparently was an off screen romance too, so I guess that came through as well.

McKenna Grace as the gap toothed daughter, cocky and forthright was so absolutely cute. Frank is rightly described by a girl in the movie...... 'quiet, damaged, hot guy'.

On the aside, later in the day, I happened to sit with Dhruva for a while watching 'Captain America, The winter soldier' and it took me a while to put Chris Evans from the 'gentle uncle' into 'captain america'.

I said so to Dhruva, and he asked what role that was, and when I told him, he says...."don't know how different amma, he sounds as idealistic, as individualistic, as intense, just in different context". I was pretty stumped, now less by Chris Evans and more by Dhruva's reading. Loved it. And the movie too. :)

Intent ------ Action. The Gap

Baahubali recently, and Beauty and the Beast....and I was just reflecting on which my last movie before these was, when I realized I hadn't seen a single movie in six months. Not even on my laptop. And that took me by total surprise. 

I love watching movies (my kind) and I yet hadn't watched even one for a whole six months. I had to pause to ponder.  Was it the energy invested in the course? And then in the website? Did moving from B'lore to Hyd take away that space? Had I just gotten that busy?

In fact quite the contrary. My time was entirely my own. Not in a job, not in a course, house all set.......I had all the time I wanted.

I'm also wary of the term 'busyness'. Definitely don't want to be slipping into the default kind. I try to keep my days and my time, to the extent possible, at a conscious level. No newspaper and no TV was an aid towards that. No random socializing was again towards that. Lesser spaces of what happens to me, and more spaces of what I make happen to me. The phrase I like to use is 'space that nurtures the spirit'. So how did movies slip out.

That's the gap between intent and action.

There can be loads of energy, and focus on the intent, but if it doesn't translate into action, it's as good as nought. And if this can happen in so much conscious space, I can only imagine how much it can happen on auto pilot.

Reminds me of one of my favourite quotes " Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate" - Carl Jung

It was a wake up call. One that said, even what we want.......needs awareness, needs discipline, needs doing, needs follow up, needs checkins.

The path to getting to where you want to be, or the way of being the way you want to be, needs awareness, conscious awareness.

How Does A Moment Last Forever

One of my favorites songs from 'Beauty and the Beast'. It's Céline Dion, and almost carries the 'Titanic' flavor to it.

And for those who don't want to catch the movie, the video has lovely clips from through the movie.

Beauty And The Beast

I was in a movie watching mood after real long, and I asked Diksha for recommendation.  She not only knows how picky I am, she also knows how that pickiness tunes. She suggested 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'. When I said I wasn't in a thinking kind of frame, she said 'Beauty and the Beast', and what a pick that was. Just sit back and let the beauty of the movie enthrall.

I've seen the earlier animated version of the movie, one I loved watching,  Apparently the animated version was the first animated movie to ever be nominated for an Oscar. And I must say this one didn't disappoint. In fact I loved it even more.

And it's impossible to remove the songs from this movie. They're so intrinsic, so simply beautiful.

When they say timeless classic, you realize why. It's such a wonderful story of falling in love with 'being human'.  While the beast is a real surly and foul tempered beast in the beginning, and belle is scared  and horrified of it, you see how the shift happens. How she falls in love as layer by layer of the inner beauty is revealed, and how it gets revealed because there's the reason and the want to reveal.

I loved Dan Stevens green eyes, which even through the overt beastiness can't camouflage the kindness, especially as he looks down into Belles beauty and niceness, times when his voice goes gruff with ardour and tenderness. In that he becomes the beast you want to protect. 

Emma Watson as the naive but smart, confident and non conforming belle was perfect. I loved the scene where the beast in his shy attempt to woo her reveals his library, and she is literally spellbound. A personal penchant for bonding over reading I guess.

The talking pieces...the mantle clock, the candle stick, the tea cup, the wardrobe, the piano......brilliant voice overs.

A Walt Disney quote I read a long while back: 'I don't make movies to make money, but I need money to make movies'. I'm so glad they have the money to make these movies. Lovely stuff.

ACT Fibernet

ACT, Atria Convergence Technologies.

I'm not writing about ACT because it's my broadband service provider, or because of how much I love my WiFi, no.....but because I figured I had a deeper connect with it.

It's only recently that I discovered that ACT, which is India's largest non telco broadband service providers, is 'Atria Convergence Technologies', one of my pet project finance cases in IDBI.

                 

I had worked on this case when the company was founded, their very first loan, way back in 2000. In fact my colleague Prakash, and I had worked really hard on the proposal. It was days when fiber optics was a little known term and it needed us to stretch our research and thinking skills to understand the case in all its detail, and put up a convincing loan sanction proposal to our committee.

And yesterday when I called Prakash, we shared a proud moment. In fact even recalled that our committee had commended us on the depth of research done for the proposal. 

And as we spoke, a couple of anecdotes that came to recall. There was one Mr.Sudarshan, who was part of the founding team of ACT, with who we had a lot of our technical and financial discussions. One day over coffee, when I said I was from Hyderabad, he said he was from Hyderabad himself and had studied in Little Flower Boys College. And I was still saying my brother was also from Little Flower, when Prakash bursts out laughing, saying. "Little Flower? what kind of a gay name is that for a boys college". Well Well.

While this was what I recalled, what Prakash recalled was an experience when the two of us sat in on the committee meet.

The Chief General Manager, who heads the committee got a call in the middle of the meeting.(days before cell phones, so he had all of us listening in)  It was afternoon, and the guy at the other end said Good Morning, and the CGM responded 'Good Morning ...ehee.... Good Morning ...ehee ....cha...Good afternoon', and I apparently ran out of the room mouth covered, as I couldn't stop giggling. ( can't imagine what I found so funny about it then)

It's curious how both of us recalled instances of the other laughing uncontrollably. Both innocuous instances, but considering they were from seventeen years back they hold a whole different significance in just recall of detail.

While we can live in the here and the now, in the present, a smile from the past is always welcome.

Atria was one of our more interesting cases, and seen from today, guess one of our most successful too. I now love ACT a few notches more :)

A Response To The Website

I've loved the last few hours. Always nice to hear nice things, to get feedback for an effort that's enveloped one for a period of time, especially so when the objective of the effort is recognized. Many thanks felt for all the lovely things said, also for some of the critical feedback, which also I'm listening to.

I share a story sent by Ajit, saying "I think your website reflects this in every page, right from the tagline, sometimes 'help' helps"

A young girl and her father were walking along the forest path. At some point, they came across a large tree branch on the ground in front of them.

The girl asked her father , "If I try, do you think I could move that branch?"

Her father replied. "I am sure you can, if you use all your strength"

The girl tried her best to lift or push the branch, but she was not strong enough and she couldn't move it. She said, with disappointment, "You were wrong dad, I can't move it"

"Try again, with all your strength", replied her father.

Again the girl tried hard to push the branch. She struggled but it did not move.

"Dad, I cannot do it", said the girl.

Finally her father said. "Young lady, I advised you to use all your strength, You yet didn't ask for my help".

Moral of the story:
Our real strength lies not in independence, but in interdependence.
No individual person has all the strengths, all the resources and all the stamina required for complete blossoming of their vision.

To ask for help and support when we need it is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of wisdom

Thanks much Ajit. It so totally resonates.  

A Milestone In Life

Launched my website today

www.smithadevara.com

A significant moment of a cherished journey. A culmination of one phase and the beginning of another.

It's so true that the dots connect in hindsight. When I joined up at Parivarthan for an initial two month program, it was just on a whim, it sounded interesting and doable, even with my job. That course on listening skills, stroked the appetite for more. 

I quit my job to do a one year program on counselling. I yet did so for personal reasons. Introspection was like an interest, a passion. And I thought to myself, if I can get expertise and tools, why not.

It wasn't until six months into the course that I even thought I might want to do this as a profession. Be a professional counsellor. The thought grew, and grew...the more counselling sessions I did, the firmer it grew. And soon it became a decision, a reality.

Once in Hyderabad, the more fundamental questions of 'how' and 'where'. 

The 'where' had several options explored, a more physical question. The 'how' was to answer the questions friends were asking me, 'how will people know...how will I find clients'.

That became a focused exercise. First was to get an identity as a counsellor. So a visiting card. And when I knew that potential clients would likely see my card and not me, in went a lot of energy and thought into the card. It had to represent me. 

As I started to hand out the card, I found myself face to face with a lot of questions. Right from 'what is counselling' 'when do we see a counsellor', 'how does it work'....and therein grew the thought of a website, one that would answer these basic questions.

Once I started working on the design, I realized it was possibly the point of decision to many, the connect between the client and me. It had to speak a certain language. Calming, soothing, supportive, holding, inspiring even. And these were the words I started off with in my head.

It's been a two month process. One that's been at one time challenging and so thoroughly enjoyable. 

Learnt all over again what it means to be open minded and iterative.

I spoke to atleast five web developers before I zeroed in on Shravan. When I told him this, he was himself surprised, he was like 'how come, there are so many'.

I think it was a couple of questions he asked within five minutes of our first call.......'tell me more about counselling' and 'what does aham mean'. It told me he had connected to it at a level deeper than just business. It resonated with my outlook. 

Once we had the commercial elements in place, I gave him the design on a ppt, page by page, arrogant in my belief that I had got it all sorted.......little realizing how much of it is feel and iteration. Each email to him, (and there have been several) would be about twenty points long, so many changes, additions, deletions, I'm a stickler for detail. At one point we changed the template itself, and he said 'this is like creating a new site'. Yet, not once did he loose patience. A special thanks there Shravan, it meant much. 

A lot of energy and effort and love went into it's making, from all concerned, Shravan, friends, family....and it's so worth what it feels like now.

And to all who helped..... Diksha, Kiran, Girija, Dhruva, Mom, Dad, Praveen, Vishakha, Swaroop, Adi and others who I bounced ideas off,  thanks. Thanks a ton.

I'd especially like to call out Diksha, Kiran and Girija, where I've had instances through the process, which touched a deep chord.

Kiran, who so generously sent me his website template that he'd bought saying you can use this, and who showed me other sites he'd researched, which gave me the inspiration for design. His saying, you need to up the level, take off from my shoulders. Thanks Kiran, because that I did.

Girija, who read the 'About Me' section and said 'cha, this is so factual and boring..... tell your story from the heart' and I totally rehashed and in so doing found the right balance. And most importantly for having been the one to suggest the name. Aham came from her. Thanks Pal.

Diksha when giving feedback 'Ma, don't defend, you wanted feedback and I'm telling, just listen na.' And she insists on my picture being there, "if I didn't see the picture of the counsellor on her own site, I wouldn't go" she said. That's something I yet need to get to. But thanks deech, for saying it as it is.

I'm filled with gratitude and joy to be able to share this moment with each and everyone of you.

The Road Less Travelled

The first time I picked up this book, a few years ago, I couldn't get past the first few pages. Had found it kind of high handed and preachy. 

Today I devoured it. Guess also a clear indication of how big a part 'readiness' plays in connecting into a book, especially one that talks of inner self. 

Scott Peck is a psychiatrist and writes from his own experiences. The back cover says 'This book is a phenomenon. Continuously on the US bestseller list for five years. It will change your life'.

The book while emphasizing traditional values and discipline, also has some deep insights in terms of relationships, growth and spirituality.

Scott says 'Most large problems we have are the result of not facing up to earlier, smaller problems, of failing to be 'dedicated to the truth'. The great mistake most people make is believing that problems will go away of their own accord.

Confronting and solving problems is a painful process which most of us attempt to avoid. And the very avoidance results in greater pain and an inability to grow both mentally and spiritually.

This lack of responsibility will damage us in other ways. Scott references Eric Fromm's book 'Escape From Freedom', which looked at people's natural willingness to embrace political authoritarianism and how when it comes down to it, we shy from real freedom and responsibility.

He also talks of loving relationships, and delves rather deeply into describing an emotion which most have said cannot be adequately defined. We tend to think of love as effortless, the freefall of 'falling in love'. While it may be mysterious, love is also effortful; 'love is a decision ', the desire to love is not itself love. 'Love is as love does.'

A nice line from the book: “Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”

Why this cannot be termed as a typical self help book, is because it gives no quick fix solutions to reach bountiful joy. Peck states that psychological change is necessarily slow, and suggests ways in which facing our difficulties, and suffering through the changes is what enables us to reach a higher level of self understanding.

I personally loved his section on spirituality, and how he connects psychological growth into the spiritual realm. He discusses, for instance, an experience that is not referred to in modern psychology at all: 'grace'. A surprise burst of peace, gratitude and freedom, Peck feels it the highest point of human experience. 

And in this context he moves into the Jungian concepts of collective unconscious and synchronicity, which occur in grace.

While I borrowed and read the book, I like it enough to want to make it a part of my personal library, a book I would want to reread at some point.