The Dance of Anger

Anger needs no introduction..... we're all only too familiar :)

Yet, in how comfortable we are with it, how we recognize it, how we interface with it, how we manifest it, how we handle it.....I'm sure we all hugely differ. 

For a long long while, I stayed with the opinion that 'Anger is Bad' period. I needed to be this person who never got ruffled, never got mad, never shouted, always smiled through, had an indefinite supply of patience. I actually had a penalty for myself for times when I got angry, a stricter one for times when I lost my temper. And slowly, but surely, it worked. (that it was converting into hurt, anxiety, guilt, resentment and such was lost on me). And I did such a thorough job of it that I also lot my ability to identify it, to recognize it, and so to use it.....use it as a symptom, a symptom that tells that all is not well.

In this context, the book 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner, does an incisive deep dive into Anger.( especially in the context of gender, and how as a society women have not been allowed the luxury of even holding onto their own anger)

She states....Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self, our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions are being compromised in a relationship.  

Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of Anger. Sugar and Spice and everything nice are the ingredients we are made of. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect and placate the world.

It is an interesting sidelight that our language does not have one unflattering term to describe men who vent their anger (as against shrews, bitches, witches, hags, nags and so on). Even such epithets as 'bastard' and 'son of a bitch' place the blame on the woman.

Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask 'Is my anger legitimate' is similar to asking 'do I have a right to be thirsty?' Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel, and anger is no exception.

There is, however, another side of the coin: If feeling angry signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. 

Normal styles of managing anger include silent submission, ineffective fighting, blaming and emotional distancing. We need to look at ways in which we betray and sacrifice the self in order to preserve harmony with others. She calls it de-selfing.

Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all. 

There are questions about Anger, that may be helpful to ask ourselves:

What am I really angry about? What is the real issue here?

What is the problem, and whose problem is it?

How can I sort out who is responsible for what?

How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?

When I'm angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?
What do I want to accomplish?

What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?

The questions may seem simple. but they are really not. It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about.

Also, to keep in mind that change happens very slowly. No matter how crazy or self defeating our current behavior appears to be, it exists for a reason and may serve  a positive and protective function for ourselves or others. If we get ambitious and try to change too much too fast, we may stir up so much anxiety and emotional intensity within ourselves and others as to eventually reinstate old patterns and behaviors. Or we may end up hastily cutting off from an important relationship, which is not necessarily what you want.

Managing anger effectively goes hand in hand with developing a clearer "I" and knowing yourself better. Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self. Identifying and managing your anger well is what enables having both. De-selfing is at the heart of our most serious anger problems. When we accept the realities of a situation, we may have some painful choices to make. Do we choose to stay in a particular relationship or situation? Do we choose to leave? Do we stay and try to do something different ourselves?

Often times the short term answer which appears simpler is to continue with our old familiar ways, even when personal experience has shown them to be less than effective. In the long run, however, there is much to be gained at looking into these questions....it enables moving towards a more fulfilled and authentic life.

Well, that's a lot said about anger , a subject I've stayed away from for too long :)