An Interview with Dad

Well, what warrants an interview with ones own father, right? That's what I would have thought too. But it was a thought triggered by a sudden change in circumstances...circumstances which significantly changed life for him.

And as I did it, I realized what a different perspective it brings in. Talking, chatting, discussing is an ongoing process, but structure brought in a nice, renewed vigor and focus....it even told me things about him I hadn't known in all my years. Was such a worthwhile exercise. 

That's him at his second favorite place...first one's on the opposite chair before the PC

The circumstances: After almost twenty years of battling a controllable, but developing arthritic knee pain, he took a decision to go in for a knee replacement surgery. That started the exercise of identifying doctors, hospitals, checkups et al, and the date for surgery was finally fixed for 4th July '2016. 

During the period, he even decided that once his knee was back to normal, he'd do a trip to the Sunderbans, and maybe one to rural UK ( diehard Thomas Hardy fan :).

A couple days before the surgery, the hospital ran a battery of pre-operative medical tests. We thought this was just a routine procedure......but how wrong we were. The tests, or rather the results, threw a spanner on all our hopes and plans. He was diagnosed with a heart aneurysm, needing immediate open heart surgery.... the heart is more important than the knee said the surgeon. And dad was declared unfit for knee surgery.

Everything (including, for a while, even thinking) came to a screeching halt.

Life has, needless to say, undergone a complete change..... and it's under these circumstances that I did the interview: Rest in Q & A

Me: I was with you when  the cardiac surgeon said "you have a highly enlarged ascending vessel (aorta), which if not replaced, could rupture at any time, and when it happens, it could be catastrophic". What went on in your mind at that moment.

Dad: I knew I was in trouble......my whole world seemed to turn upside down... and life seemed to have come a full circle, the actual trauma set in later ... later that night, but I still knew I didn't want to go in for an open heart surgery. I've lived 82 years, and it's a good life period, and I was ready to take life as it comes. Same option at 70 would have been a total dilemma.

Me: So, do you feel you have more clarity at 80?

Dad: At 70, or even 75, the desire to carry on was still involuntary without a single thought about my well being.

Me: So, what brought in this change or clarity now?

Dad: Because, at 82, I realized that I should be thankful for what I've led.... at 81, I even went to Alaska, which was a dream since college.

Me: Any rethoughts since then?

Dad: No, it was a good decision and there are no regrets.

Me: Do you see a difference in your attitude towards life now?

Dad: On the day we came back from the hospital, I was dazed.... and I fell terribly sick that night, in fact it was a near death experience...maybe a subconscious reaction to realizing that life, after all, was coming to an end. I was totally disoriented and thought life was ending.......but next morning I was normal.

Me: It's been a month since that date, do you see a difference?

Dad: That knowledge doesn't bother me much anymore...but I'm also vaguely conscious that it can end at any moment....or go on for a couple of years.

Me: Does that knowledge make you want to do anything differently?

Dad: No. Nothing.

Me: Do you have anything in mind that you feel you should have done in this life?

Dad: Sooo many....all that I will hopefully achieve in my next life :)

Me: Is there any country you wanted to visit and couldn't?

Dad: Yes. I wanted to visit Hungary and Poland and see the German death camps at Auschwitz-Birkenau and Belzec. 

Me: Woah...I've even heard of only Auschwitz. I'm switching...From your experience, what would be your advice for all of us?

Dad: 

Until sixty you don't need to worry about your health.....whatever health status you are maintaining at seventy will last you till the end. After 70, you should evince as much care on yourself as if you are 80, without taking numbers for granted. Otherwise, life will hit and hit you hard, as it has happened to me.

Your relationships matter a lot... with whoever you are in contact with, the relationship should be good, else it directly hits your life

Money..... by itself it's not about being important, or not important.... but being financially independent is critical

You should not let anyone take control of your life

Live independently till the end, it's best to not live with your children ( I was happy about the fact that he was able to tell me this, showed me how much space each of us had to be ourselves)

Never be an imposition on anybody, have your own house, you can live even on thousand rupees a month, if you have that house

Me: Hmmm...some interesting thoughts there...anything else you want to say?

Dad: I'm actually a scared kind of person, but I'm amazed that inspite of all that's happened now, I feel so normal. We learn something everyday of our lives.

I firmly believe that at times of greatest risk, an invisible hand of help is extended to us....there's a supernatural power that guides you through life, even meeting the right person at the right time, something always takes care of you.... in fact if you look back, you can trace it to the day. As Bhagwad Gita says, I am quoting Swami Sukbodananda, 'you may be walking on embers, but a flowery hand guides you through it'.

Me: Do you ever think about what it would be like after?

Dad: After?....after death you mean?

Me: Yes. Still hard for me to say the word

Dad: I am looking forward to being born again.....in my next birth I would want to be an Engine Driver (dad's dp is a train :).......I've done enough research to know it's doable though it doesn't yet subscribe to our norms of dignity of labor ..... so my second option is an Aeroplane pilot, and if not that...a Geologist again :)

Me: Lets say you got to heaven, who would you want to meet first?

Dad: Haha...that I won't tell :)

Me: If you had a choice of 'where', where would you want to be born?

Dad: India only.... and this is inspite of travelling extensively all over the world. In fact South India....nothing like Sambar Rice with lime pickle, and Masala Dosa !

This was such an interesting experience, not to speak of fun and learning, that I'd want to do more and more episodes, with him and with others...inspiration to set my very own version of a Proust Questionnaire :)