Sharing Vulnerability

A lot of us struggle with this issue of sharing vulnerabilities. Guess it comes from the need to protect an image, or that it's beneath one to accept to having them, a coping mechanism, or maybe just plain not having the courage to admit to them.

And it's weird because it's just the most natural thing in the world. Everyone has their own, and then everyone definitely has moments when they surface, so why would we not want to have them sorted. That's how growth would happen right? Sitting and protecting our vulnerabilities and limitations would just keep us tied down to the same spaces.

The first step to change would be to acknowledge them, and only then can you handle them.  And I must confess, when I started writing this I was fairly sure that I was writing this for others, but somewhere along, I realized it was as much for me...... it takes the sorting out and clearing off of some,  for the newer ones to even surface. I had a fresh new one surface as I wrote :). It's like moving aside veils, one at a time.

In this context I thought this was a nice write up, from the book ‘The Dance of Connection’ by Harriet Lerner.

"Some of us need to practice sharing more vulnerability, especially if we’re entrenched overfunctioners. Overfunctioning is not simply an over zealous wish to be helpful but a patterned way of managing anxiety that grows out of our own experience, typically in our first family. For example, an eldest daughter may have tried to keep her chaotic family afloat, learning along the way that it’s too painful and disappointing to reveal her own needs and expect them to be met.

Making even a small dent in our overfunctioning ways can foster mutually empowering connections, and it can lead to a more accurate picture of our self and the other.  In giving voice to our limits and vulnerability, we can wake up those aspects of our self that have been suppressed or shamed into silence.

We all resist change even as we seek it. But it’s worth the effort. Substantive change doesn’t occur in one hit and run conversation, patterns change slowly. It’s the direction we’re moving that matters, not the pace or speed of travel. Nor is the goal to get results. Experimenting with conversations that initially feel unlike our ‘real self’ can lead to real change.

No one benefits from a polarized relationship where we listen, help, and offer advice, then say, ‘I’m fine”, in response to the question, “How are you?”. When we only listen and try to help, and we don’t share our own limitations, vulnerabilities, and worries (we all have them), we act as if that other person has nothing to offer us and isn’t capable of showing some caring.

More to the point, our own self-regard ultimately suffers when we’re unable to present our competencies and our vulnerabilities to the key people in our lives. The truth is, we may never get the response we want from the other person, no matter how hard we try. But you realize that with sharing the softer, more vulnerable parts of yourself with someone, you learn to share a balance of your strength and vulnerability, not just there but in other relationships as well."