Toxic People

A few years back someone very close to me had been to see a counselor,  and one thing which the counselor said kind of struck home, just by virtue of it's honesty and simplicity.

There are Toxic people, whether you like it or not. There are people who give negative energy and when we are not strong enough, that negative energy affects us. To the extent possible, be aware and stay away she had said.

She asked Jay ( I know no one called Jay, plain decoy :), to sort emotions into a positive and negative frame, and then asked what influences each. And it figured that most negative moods and emotions that drag you down are caused by other people.

The doc said, the first step is to recognize people who are a positive influence and those that are negative. She said, people will come in all forms, it's about how much you will not let it influence you negatively. Now, while we can shield ourselves internally from this, it takes a lot of energy.

She said the first and simplest thing to do is to try and stay away from the negative, to the extent possible. She added saying, you can, of course, do this fairly easily for those people with who you have a choice, but if it is your teachers or colleagues or family, there you can only minimize influence. But where there is a choice, and where you can exercise a choice, do.

We then did this exercise of who are those toxic people; it started with downright negative people and then became a fun exercise of what kind we still wouldn't want to hang around with, and that list looked like this:

Negative people: the ones who are always critical, always cribbing. Most comments from them have a negative tang. They will see only the problems and never talk of solutions. Sure they might agree with things you say which are positive, but pro actively do they add positivity?

This can also be people who won't say much, but their very demeanor is negative.and a drag.

Passive Aggressive People: They easily pass for normal because the negativity is very passive, and it can easily slide under the radar. These people usually won’t be outrightly harmful, all that they do will go disguised as real normal..... and you won't even know it's impact, sometimes until years..... they just erode your very soul over time. 

Victims: People who will always blame circumstance or others for what happens to them. They will never take responsibility for their own lives, and if you're in their close circle, there's high chance you will be made responsible for everything bad that happens to them. I once heard a cab mate tell her friend 'my mom seems to blame me for everything that happens in the house, or to her, in fact if she could I think she'll even blame the Iraq war on me (and she was crying, so it was an appeal and not a joke ) 

Manipulative : These are people who will so subtly manipulate you that you won't even know it; over a period you'll find yourself doing things you don't like to do, you might even resent doing it, but do it you will.  They'll typically play the guilt card,  and you will feel you owe it to them, worse still, that you are the nicer or the stronger and so you are doing it. Sneaky stuff.

Boring People: Just plain boring, where the conversation can't hold your interest for long

Unintelligent: To me they quickly fall into the boring bucket. You spend some time with them and you're waiting for the meet time to be done with.

Indecisive people: They will never take a decision, they might even manipulate you into taking the decision and if the decision goes wrong, you can bet you'll hear of it, and maybe over and over.

Was an interesting exercise. And I think it not just helped Jay, but it helped me understand better too....always stuff to learn, remember??

Now these are all qualities. No one might be any of this, all the time. Nor does it mean we may not have one or more of these qualities to some extent ourselves, or behave such at some points. 

It's just about which of these are the predominant qualities, what do equations with such people  do to you over time. Not to judge, not to get upset........no, let them be what they are......but to know... just to be able to better handle yourself.....for your own better being.

A  mistake a lot of us make is to believe that we can change people, the oldest, stupidest and costliest of mistakes I think.  Instead focus on what you can do, accept or change ( not them. you, or your situation)

Don't shy away from labeling. You need to be able to label, to be able to handle.