Dealing With Your Discomfort Zone

Let's talk about this in the context of 'Crucial Conversations'

What’s defined as a crucial conversation, is not as much the ‘crucialness’ of context or consequence, but a scenario where there is disagreement or difference in outlook between the individuals, with a potential to spark emotions. It is this emotionally charged nature of these conversations that makes them crucial conversations.  

                                       

A lot of what you’ll achieve through such conversation is dependent on how you say what you say. 

Two factors to keep in mind here:

1. keep the objective of the conversation in clear view all through

2. create the right connect and context at the start, it enables honest listening

Else, chances are high that it would just be both of you reacting and talking but neither absorbing what the other is saying. Net affect pretty much nullified.

What research has shown, is that some of the most influential moments of our lives are times when we must discuss high stake topics with those who vehemently disagree with our views.

And why it becomes significant that we become aware of our discomfort zones is because of the highly likelihood that we'll hit those areas through a crucial conversation. We can have clear objectives and make the best possible starts with the conversations, but what happens when you hit the emotions...... how do you handle the emotions that you'll likely confront. 

Reactions can fall under :

a) Crying:  a natural physiological reaction when people feel hurt, disappointed or sad. Can you wait out the tears, be supportive of the pain, let the other know it is okay to feel the pain. And then continue the conversation, right away or later.....with knowing and letting know know that change can yet happen

b) Embarrassment: when a person sees or feels that he has been acting or believing in a way that has been harmful to himself or others, he may feel embarrassed. Do not try to alleviate or soften the reaction. Allow him a moment to catch his breath. Move on when you sense the other person is ready. Also helps to talk of what he has now discovered or learnt....articulating a learned lesson helps a person feel stronger.

c) Defensive Anger: defensiveness and anger usually subside after the initial response....if you don't fuel the fire. When you sense someone’s anger, you might reflexively defend yourself, get angry in return, or you shut down. Be aware...you want that objective met.

d) Confusion or Fear: When you face these feelings, listen. Ask about the fear and listen to the person's stories so you can discover what is holding them back. Do not try to diffuse or soften their emotions, or even tell them it is understandable to feel afraid; better to say that you would like to understand what's causing the fear so you can help them move forward with confidence. 

Avoid judging people for their reactions. Rather, try to understand what it is that might be causing the resistance.  Watch for becoming angry or disappointed yourself, and recall what you believe they are capable of achieving. Hold them in high regard during a difficult conversation. From this perspective, you have a chance at holding an amazing conversation that could surprise the both of you.

A study by Joseph Grenny, a behavior psychologist, four time New York times best selling author, recently studied singular conversations that had life-long effects for 525 people, and says about it:

These folks identified high-stakes interactions that went either surprisingly well or terribly badly-and that changed the course of their lives to some degree.

Their research over the past 25 years showed that those who are competent at handling these crucial conversations realize results far different from those who aren't. For example:

• Parents who are able to have crucial conversations with their children are more than twice as likely to describe their relationship as very good or extremely good 
• Partners who can go through with crucial conversations stand to have more fulfilling and authentic relationships 
• Leaders who effectively handle crucial conversations are 50 to 70% more likely to fully achieve project objectives

Of course, a simple conversation doesn't solve everything...... but it goes a long way. Perfection is not the goal. Progress is. 

Research has indicated that small progress in skillfully approaching these crucial moments leads to disproportionate improvement in the strength of relationships, the health of organizations, and our collective capacity to achieve better outcomes.