Self Pity - The Hugest of Drags

                                  

Every once in a while, you’ll find something dragging you down to this space of Self Pity. In fact whenever you are in low space, feeling sad......... try to understand the situation by breaking it up into little parts......it helps become aware of what it is that's actually getting to you. You'll quickly find the source, and then once you identify and parse through the triggers, and then the impact, at the bottom, what you’re typically left with is this feeling of being sorry for yourself. 

Remember ‘Í am responsible for my actions but not for your reaction’. That’s easily understood when the action is ours, and we’re expecting the other person to take responsibility for their reactions. But when it’s the other way round, we’re a little more stuck. Obviously more difficult. We tend to forget that we are also fully responsible for our reactions. Don't blame the triggers. We have a choice in our reaction.

And that’s where we can really help ourselves. So what about this situation is making me sorry? Do I want to do something about it? If yes, then it’s good space. There’s a goal and there’s a way. It means you can, and could actually do something to get yourself out of there. But most often, there’s nothing we can actually do. We are reacting to existing situations and some trigger somewhere that has set off a negative reaction. A reaction which has dragged us down, bottom of which is self pity.

Self pity, and the consequence of feeling the victim.  And what’s worse is that this space of self pity is a comfortable one. Not a happy one, but a comfortable one. So it can get habit forming. So much so, it can in fact become second nature. What's typically called the victim mentality.

"Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality" John Gardener

And that’s the danger, right? The short term pleasure it gives, which if we don’t recognize, we could become addicted to and pretty easily adapt as a way of life.

When you are in that victim space, what happens:

• ·You're thinking......' I am right and someone else is wrong'; and that’s a pleasurable feeling
• ·You get attention from friends because you are sad, and that makes you feel validated, but that doesn't last; people get tired of sad people
• ·When you are convinced you are sad and right, you don’t need to act, and you don’t need to take risks; again a comfortable space
• ·You feel protected there as it insulates your from dangers from outside; it’s a bad comfort zone 
•  You think·'I am sad, so I don’t care if others are sad or not'; think...who'd want to be around such people?
• ·It’s the strongest form of self flagellation; It's mt fate, I deserve only this much
• ·And bottom line, you don’t have to take responsibility anymore...you're just fine being sad. After all, taking responsibility for your own life is hard work, it means tough decisions and the courage to withstand consequences. But you're giving up, you're losing energy. It's such a big energy sapper.

Can you think of what it means in the long term? 

Will it let you live the life you wanted to? Do we get another go to do those things we wanted to? What about your relationship with other people? Are you a positive influence on those around you? What about your relationship with yourself?

                                         
                                   
So what do we do?

First big step as always....... the awareness itself. Recognize and articulate the situation. When you become aware, make the effort to shake yourself out of it. Find what works for you to get yourself out of it.

In the short term these help: Talking to a friend, just sitting down and crying it out, diverting your attention by doing something positive. These work for single instances.

But for sustained situations you’ll need something deeper. A more intrinsic change of attitude.

• · Gratitude: Be grateful for what you do have
• · Ask yourself what you might have learnt from the situation. Often times, once the lesson is learnt, you’ll wonder how it took you so long to see it
• ·Give value to someone else, there’s nothing nicer and more empowering than to actually being able to help another
• ·Forgive: Until you don’t forgive, that person still has control over you. Forgive, not to condone a wrong act, but to let yourself free of that hold. There’s a quote that says this best: “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

Release yourself from the victim space, and you’ll live a life that's more fulfilled and joyful. Maybe tough at times, but trust me hard work and tough can be a huge joy, as against sad and self pity.  If you don’t help yourself, there’s nobody else who will or even can. Try it ...Life's worth it !!