Crucial Conversations - Impact

What’s defined as a crucial conversation, is not as much the ‘crucialness’ of context or consequence, as much as, the emotionally charged nature of these conversations. This becomes the case, typically when the other person is in complete disagreement with you; and the situation gets emotionally charged and becomes a crucial conversation.

                                         

This can so easily happen in critical or difficult conversations, but then, it can as easily happen in simple inane conversations, where you suddenly find yourself in this super charged space, and end up with impact which was never intended in the first place.

The difficult conversations which are known ahead still give you the heads up needed to plan for them, and it totally makes sense to plan for them. This is something I really learnt at Google, when HR encourages you to prepare for the difficult conversations you have with team members, especially when you need to give negative feedback. A lot of what you’ll achieve through the conversation is dependent on how you say what you say, and if the purpose is to communicate, it really helps to prepare. 

I’ve sometimes even done it at home, when I know that what I want to put across is sensitive or critical, I’ll actually write out stuff to myself. Like firstly, what is the objective of the conversation. And you wouldn’t believe how much of a difference answering just that one question makes. Like you'll mostly see that what you want to achieve, and what you intend to say are pretty much not connected, that we're a lot focused on our own anger, our own opinion, just ourselves and what's worse, it's often disguised as 'for the other'. So, objective, process and content, helps to make sure they are aligned.

Also, the effort put into creating the right connect at the start goes a long way in getting an active listening. So the first effort has to be to create context in the right way, and it’s only then that you’ll have a conversation. Else, it would just be both of you reacting and talking but neither absorbing what the other is saying. Net affect pretty much nullified.

These are surely possible, and totally worthwhile, when you really want impact out there and you have the heads up for that difficult conversation.

Most of us have a few of these crucial conversations every week, and once in a while there are those which are especially momentous. If we look back, I’m sure some of us will even remember the ones that were turning points, potentially or actually life changing, for good or for bad

What research has apparently shown, is that some of the most influential moments of our lives are times when we must discuss high stake topics with those who vehemently disagree with our views. And the reasons these conversations are so consequential is not just that the issue itself is of such great import, but that when it matters most, you and I tend to do our very worst. 

A study by Joseph Grenny, a behavior psychologist, four time new york times best selling author, recently studied singular conversations that had life-long effects for 525 people, and says about it:

These folks identified high-stakes interactions that went either surprisingly well or terribly badly-and that changed the course of their lives to some degree. For example, on the positive side, one woman shared her conversation with an out-of-control airplane passenger that helped avert an emergency landing. Another respondent spoke up effectively to doctors and nurses to ensure a loved one received vital medical treatment. And another saved his job by threading his way through dicey issues with his boss.

But more often than not, subjects reported on conversations that left lingering pain and damage such as being disowned by family, getting a divorce, dissolving a precious relationship, and terminating long-standing business partnerships. Overall, two-thirds said the few minutes of this conversation led to permanent damage in a relationship. One in seven reported it crippled their career, and more than a third said that even many years later, they are still feeling effects from this crucial moment.

                                           

The top three reasons conversations failed, according to our respondents, were: 

Inability to control emotions. Many said they "lost it" and let their emotions get the best of them. In retrospect, they say there is much they could have done to moderate their emotions and keep things on a healthier plane. 

Lack of safety. The second most common mistake was inattentiveness to the psychological safety of the other person. Respondents reported that they could have done more to ensure the other person understood their real motives in the conversation. 

Silence and violence. Finally, subjects said they tended to lose focus on their real goals and get sidetracked into defensiveness, revenge, or fearful withdrawal from the conversation. 

Their research over the past 25 years showed that those who are competent at handling these crucial conversations realize results far different from those who aren't. For example:

Parents who are able to have crucial conversations with their children are more than twice as likely to describe their relationship as very good or extremely good 

Leaders who effectively handle crucial conversations are 50 to 70% more likely to fully achieve project objectives 

Companies whose employees effectively step up to crucial conversations are two-thirds more likely to avoid injury and death due to unsafe conditions 

The skillful communicators more consistently did three things:

Safety. They repeatedly reaffirmed their real motives in the conversation and their respect for the other person. 

Goals. They kept the real goals they had for the conversation top of mind-inoculating them from getting off track. 

Focus. They sorted through the myriad distractions the conversation offered and zeroed in on the central issue of concern. 

Of course, a simple conversation doesn't solve everything but it goes a long way. Perfection is not the goal. Progress is. Small progress in skillfully approaching these crucial moments leads to disproportionate improvement in the strength of relationships, the health of organizations, and our collective capacity to achieve what we really want.