Guilt and Shame - the most useless of emotions

                                 
Sadly, while guilt and shame are said to be the most useless of emotions, they are also the most pervasive. It’s pretty amazing how unknowingly and unwittingly we allow others judgment of us to affect our idea of ourselves, and the huge impact it has on our self worth. It happens all the time and in such minuscule doses, that it’s eventually about an accumulation on scale.

Guilt is an attachment to judgment, to what others think of us. And we seem to so easily give away the power of judgment to others, like just any others, be it at home, family, friends, work place, anywhere. Our dependence on external judgment, the real and the perceived, rather than making us more accountable and responsible for our thoughts, feelings and actions, actually works as an obstacle to being  ourselves. To the extent, that even our judgment of ourselves is not good enough. 

The nice thing……Ridding oneself of guilt is as simple as turning off a switch......... really !

But then the flip side, absorbing or creating guilt and accumulating it, is as sponge to water. It’s crazy how quickly guilt can kick in at the smallest and most meaningless of places. And then a close follow on is shame at the cause of the action that’s spurred guilt. These are part of our social development and the building blocks on which we grow. So it’s no surprise that we seem to become pros at it as we grow.

Look at this very commonly occurring instance: There's seven year old Priya, a normal sweet quiet child, and wherever Priya meets with people, she is hearing her parents say, 'Priya, say Hi, Tell them which class you are in, which school you go to'... and the usual stupid innane things to peoples typical questions.' She won't talk, she doesn't feel the need you see, she still has he ability to be herself. But then she hears, 'Bad girl.....she's just very shy you know'. What is the impact of this instance being repeatedly played out through her growing years? For a child, unfortunately, the belief is that the parents are right, and there's something she is doing wrong. So there is guilt and there is shame. I am not doing what they want and they all think my behavior is not per expectation. Building blocks. All of us grow up with it, and sadly we would also perpetrate it if we are not watchful.

So it is really not surprising that as adults too we are ever so ready to go into that space at the flimsiest of reasons, the smallest of criticism. Even a casual negative remark, and within minutes, this feeling that I'm not good enough. What would it take to stand back and say, that's their opinion, not mine. Or, I tried my best, so why am I feeling bad? But no, we're too used to feeling bad first. So we easily slip in there.

(Is there an upside? Maybe yes, in that one instance of guilt where you've acted against your own guidelines, and you need guilt to make you aware. Then by all means learn from it. Take the lesson, learn from it, and then drop it. And don’t forget to dump the guilt when you learn.)

Let's look at this other situation which so typically plays out in so many homes. You finish a very long and exhausting day at work. Your excessive guilt kicks in and you spend your entire commute home anticipating your partner is annoyed. By the time you get home you feel stressed, defensive, and resentful, and you greet your partner stiffly. They react to your strained greeting with a strained response of their own, which confirms your suspicions that they’re annoyed which only makes you feel more guilty and resentful. The fact that your over-active guilt made you act in a way that created a self-fulfilling prophecy is likely to elude you entirely.

Now on the other hand, you do have a partner who actually gets mad or sulks when you’re back late. There is the anger and resentment, and then what?  The anger and resentment, however unjustified, will create guilt. Do I deserve it? No, but guilt has nothing to do with whether you deserve it or not, it's just there, because the power of judgement has been handed over to the other. 

Then there’s the more sensitive but menacing territory; expectations. There's this huge edifice of expectations which don't necessarily match. So there's conflict at each stage. And when the expectation gets disguised in societal conditioning and justifications, the resultant effort to resist is converted into even larger guilt. You get the flow, right?

A lot of that guilt is actually consciously perpetuated, almost at a level of manipulation, used as a tool to advance ones own purpose, at an individual level and societal level too. Without your realizing it, you are under total control of the perpetrator. And it comes so well disguised that you find justification in the manipulation, and you think they are right, and you are wrong.

Guilt is self sabotaging and causes immense unnecessary suffering. Imagine how easy and happy it would be to just live life on your own terms and doing what you think is right.

Way out? There's no complex process or change needed. It's just about becoming aware. I know. I know myself , I know what I do, I know why I do it, I know what I intended.  I can be my own judge, thank you. Your opinion is yours, to me, mine matters !!!

It's just a switch in mind set. Test out that switch, it’s pretty smoothly operable !