Some Magic

Daddy, thanks for sharing this, it sure brought out the child in me again :)

Dollu Kunitha by Nagaraj

Looks like it's my week of attending dance performances....and what's more, by friends !

Nagaraj has (is) an interesting story. He was part of a theater troupe called 'theater samurai', which had their own kannada play production, and they would tour six months of the year across Karnataka, enacting the play in different villages and towns. Then on health grounds he had to quit that and move to Bangalore. And then he got working here...that was three years ago.

Guess the theater never left him. He now quit his job to again pursue his passion for the theater. A tough decision, and I've seen him struggle with the decision for well over an year. A couple months back he took the leap....it's ultimately that leap of faith, as the answers just aren't there at the beginning. Bold step for sure.....as, like they say 'courage is not the absence of fear, but acting inspite of it' 

It's been a few months since he quit his job, and he's been feeling his way around the theater and tv scene since. Currently, he conducts theater workshops for children, does assistant director jobs (for plays) on freelance basis, and is parallely doing his masters in theater.

So yesterday when he sent me the invite for a program of his department, there was no way I wasn't going.

The Dollu Kunitha is a popular drum dance of Karnataka, rhythmic, high energy and powerful. They enter through the audience end, literally making the whole hall reverberate to the drum beat.

Nagaraj is second from right

Another pic from the dance

A couple of other dances from the evening...a bharatnatyam dance performed to folk music...was nice

Kathak....really graceful and pretty. I have a soft corner for Kathak, as a close friend back in college was a kathak dancer, and thanks to her, I've attended more Kathak performances than any other. 

This was a kannada play by an external troupe called the 'touring talkies', of which we caught only the tail end. This sequence was touching though. The elderly gentleman is a poet, and has all his poems in that bag, and he's selling it off to the kirana shop guy for a paltry sum. And when the shop guy asks him why he doesn't ask the government for help, he says something like 'the government awarded me and appreciated me..... the readers read me and enjoyed me, and maybe some imbibed me.....but now the time is over'

Nagaraj, glad to have attended. Also, clichéd as it may sound, happy to see you chase your dream. There's a quote of Bruce Lee which goes something like this ' Once you decide to go in for the fight, don't go in with conditions, be prepared for the bruises and broken bones'. (This has really helped me in some tough moments, so thought I'd share :)

Lots and lots of good wishes and blessings to you in your journey ahead !!

What Attracts Me To A Woman

A cute article by Patrick Banks. And with a long title: 

8 Highly Attractive Things In Women (That Have Nothing to Do With Appearance)

'I’ve been helping men improve their love lives for years now. I’ve probably read dozens of articles on what women find attractive in men. I’ve even written a few of them. The funny thing is, I rarely come across articles that touch on what men find attractive in a woman. Is the modern dating game so lopsided that it’s enough for a woman to just ‘show up’, or do we men stumble merely at the sight of a nice head of hair and a shapely body?

I won’t deny the fact that this is true for a lot of men out there, but there’s a little more needed to really attract a man who isn’t impressed with mere ‘good looks’

Now, I can’t speak for the entire population here, but here are eight things that I, personally, find incredibly attractive in a woman.

1. Kindness

This might sound like a bit of a cliché, but true kindness really is rare these days. Sure, you get people who are nice to those who hold some sort of value to them, but how many people do you meet every day that would go and talk to the lone stranger crying in the subway? I don’t want to be with a person that’s just nice to me, my friends, and my family. I want a person who can brighten up my day by brightening up the lives of everyone she comes in contact with.

You have a power to lighten someone’s day just by smiling to them. It’s worth using it often, also to become more attractive in men’s eyes. Studies from the University of British Columbia show that men are attracted to smiling women. A natural smile conveys messages like optimism and stability, which are definitely qualities desired in a mate.

2. Positivity and sense of humor

“It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority.”

One of the most important things in any relationship, romantic or otherwise, is the ability to have a great time and have a good laugh. Taking care of your emotional hygiene and good mood should be your priority. Only then you can take life positive, light, and with a fair dose of humor. While I never hold any significant other to a comic standard of say, Ellen Degeneres, I do love a woman who can live life one day at a time, take a joke, and crack a few of her own.

3. Passion

This might sound like a tall ask to some, but I’m a person who needs to be inspired constantly to be happy. To me, there’s no feeling in this world as attractive as being inspired by a woman who’s passionate about her pursuits in life.

You could be a world class pianist or you could be doctor, the minute I see your eyes light up while talking about what you want to achieve in life, I guarantee you I’ll be falling hard and fast. You cannot get bored together, because there is always a topic to talk about with a girl who is passionate about something.

4. Getting along with my friends

A friend once told me an old Chinese saying of a man that has a wife who gets along with his friends will have a long and pleasant life. Well, I have a feeling that my friend might be lying about there being an actual saying; however, I have to say that it really is a beautiful thing to be with a woman who can get along with your buddies and just be ‘one of the guys’ when she wants to.

5. Confidence

“Nothing is more beautiful than a confident woman who doesn’t pretend to be someone she’s not.”

I don’t know about you, but I like being around people who are happy to be themselves. You see, it’s not just women who respond powerfully to a confident partner, I love being with a woman who stands up for herself and what she believes in; as long as it’s not an opinion against my sports team or favorite band. Ha! Just kidding. I would never date a girl who didn’t love Iron Maiden.

6. Being comfortable with her sexuality

There’s a lot to be said on what’s sexy and, more specifically, on what makes a woman sexy. To me, what matters is not what a girl wears beneath the sheets or what she’s into, it’s the fact that she’s comfortable with her own sexuality and aware of her sexual energy. Romance is just so much more fun with a woman who knows what she’s into and isn’t abashed about it.

Your sexuality is a big part of your human nature. The sooner you embrace this side, the better and more attractive partner you become.

7. Decisiveness

“A girl should be two things: who & what she wants.”

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who don’t know what they want and can’t take responsibility for their own decisions. At the end of the day, I’m willing to battle through a few arguments on where we should have dinner or which movie we should watch, as long as I know that I’m with a person who’s strong enough to be decisive.

8. She has her own sense of style

Here’s the thing: we men are very much visual creatures. It’s just how we’re evolutionary programmed. Something that I absolutely love in a woman is a unique sense of style. I’ll admit that I tend to gravitate towards certain stereotypes – bohemian Goth with a fair share of body ink (in case you’re wondering). I fall in love whenever I see a woman who has a sense of style that I don’t get to see on every street corner.

A memory from years gone by

Last evening I got a message from a friend from long long ago, which reads 'I just heard about balamurali krishna.......you remember that night, twenty five years back, we had attended an all night concert of his'

And that opened a floodgate of memories.

I was never into hardcore classical music, and I remember Amrita taking it upon herself to say, "It's just not possible, I will teach you how to listen, understand and appreciate classical music", and between her and another friend, they actually got me to a stage of not just attending concerts, but even all night concerts.

This concert ended at dawn with a Kishori Amonkar rendition, which I distinctly remember having given me goosebumps. Next day, I raided Sangeet Sagar with Amrita for Kishori Amonkar cassettes (those were days of audio cassettes).

I was also so touched when Amrita said 'You gave me a Megh Malhar cassette back then, which  I still have'. 

What was beautiful about this conversation was that we not just relived the night from years gone by, but took it to the next level. As she was reminiscing, she was like, 'I wish those times would come back......'

And I didn't see why not. We now have a pact...next year we're doing the Hampi Utsav together. 

The Hampi Utsav is a dance and music festival that has apparently been celebrated during the Vijayanagar Empire Reign. And since Hampi has been declared a world heritage site, the festival has been reinstated, and they have artists from across the country for a festival (now world renown) of folk dance, music, drama and art.

Amrita, thanks for evoking such beautiful memories and emotions.....and inshallah, we do the Hampi Utsav next year :)

ऐ दिल है मुश्किल

Ae Dil Hai Mushkil....a movie about love, and friendship..... in it's varying and at times overlapping textures. It seems to explore love, specifically in the in the man woman equation, through the romantic, passionate, platonic, sexual, and unrequited spaces, also weaving in how it changes and grows those involved. 

                          

The central characters Ayaan (Ranbir Kapoor) and Alizeh (Anushka Sharma) form the core relationship, two high energy, peppy characters with a common craze for old time Bollywood. Starting right from title, there's a lot of references to old songs, movies, sequences which I thoroughly enjoyed.... one sequence when she uses you tube, and his help to drape a Saree was super cute.

Ayaan falls in love with Alizeh. She however has different ideas...she feels all relationships fall under labels, have conditioned expectations, and thus become limiting...... and she loves Ayaan so much that she wants their relationship to rise above all other relationships, and so wants to keep it platonic.

She, however, finds Ali (Fawaad Khan) an ex boyfriend back in life, and discovers that she's still in love with him. They get married. She's out of the marriage in two years, saying that marriage brings with it the conditions of belonging and possessiveness, and she didn't want to become a significant part of life.

I'm taking the liberty of some spoilers here (as the movie's been around for a while now).

Saba (Aishwarya Rai) is an interesting character, a shayari, who keeps coming up with these beautiful shayaris, as beautiful as she herself is. She looks exotic, in a spaced out way which is how she is as a character as well, and while the relationship between Ayaan and her starts pretty much on sexual chemistry alone, she finds herself falling in love with him and leaves when she realizes he is yet in love with Alizeh.

There's a nice short sequence with Shah Rukh Khan, who is Saba's ex husband, with some witty and profound dialogues...in fact evoking from Ayaan...'sorry, मगर आप  लोग ये लाइन रट के आते हैं क्या ', but well, she's a shayari and he's an artist, so ...

Well, it is a lot of relationships...but interestingly woven together. 

I thought the end was a little too dramatic, almost to say, while all these offbeat relationships are possibilities, they cannot sustain themselves...guess that's why I felt the movie was exploring. That apart, I think it's one of KJo's more mature films, and I'm glad to see our cinema getting there.

And also a thanks to him for the beautiful urdu shayari's...I know atleast two people who are now inspired enough to learn urdu.

I'd say go watch....but there's no space for the known black and whites, so best to leave your own conditioning and personal framework at home...... and you might enjoy it that notch more :)

Girija, On Stage Again

Passion brings out a commitment, persistence and joy that's pretty much unmatched ....and it's what came out in that one word, when after the dance I asked Girija how it had felt, and she said 'Exhilarating'. 

Especially for those who've recognized and acknowledged it, and even more, found the clarity and courage to pursue it in the later years of life....surely goes an extra bow. The story as it originated is in 'A let's dance moment'

On behalf of her group, she said, 'we're all learning for the joy of it, we're not here to showcase our skills, but to share our joy and passion'. These ladies did a small skit before the dance, each narrating the issues they overcome to do those two days a week dance classes....kids to finish homework, skipping parties, facing dissenting voices...even turning a blind eye to knee pain. That's them in the dressing room, fourth from left is Girija.  

Lavani, a folk dance from Maharashtra, and that's girija in the foreground, right

Another pic of the lavani

Some other dances from the evening. Upfront is Karthik, also the man behind the scene. He runs dance schools in four locations at Bangalore, and has over a hundred enthusiastic learners, and their adulation for him was evident from not just their words but also the whistles and applause from them.

This was an invocation dance choreographed to 'he gananaaya...'

How blue can it get...this was a graceful dance to the song 'O re piyaa' from Rajneethi

A full energy number to the song 'bang bang'

Another number by Girija and team, 'ye hosla from Dor'

This was a beautiful silhouette before a dance

This was a kind of dance ballet representing a dancers journey from the moment of knowing ..... ....the difficulties and obstacles.... the confusions........and finally the joy and glory of discovery. Very powerful choreographed.

Girija telling Karthik that their group was here to stay, and how, now that he'd shown them a taste of dance ( and liberation) they just wanted more....you can see his faking exasperation there :)

Girija was keen on doing a Helen number, she even had the song selected.....hope to see that next year pal !!

The yeasayer

From Seth

Opposite of the naysayer, of course.

This is the person who will find ten reasons why you should try something.

The one who will embrace the possibility of better.

The colleague to turn to when a reality check is necessary, because the reality is, it might work.

Are you up for it?

Goldy's Adventure

Our kitten story continues......as the kittens have grown, we've had varied experiences with them, some fun and some not so. This one is the latest.

Goldy got stranded on the first floor balcony of a house, and a house whose residents are on a trip to the US, so no access. ( I have no pictures from the actual rescue mission, as that was all high stress time :)

Goldy and Nala

                             

Yash, Gowri and Sahana, feeding the kittens

I'm getting home in the evening and these two little kids, Gowri and Raina come running saying, 'aunty, aunty where's diksha, goldy's stuck, he's stuck high, come aunty'. I was half listening...long day, tired, laptop and file in one hand, grocery bag in another, I just wanted to go home. I tried telling them I'll freshen up and be back, but nope..... they were insistent, and persistent....the anxiety and tension in their voice evidence of their distress, so I went.

And sure enough, Goldy was badly stuck. The three of us........me, Raina around ten, and Gowri all of six, thought of all possible rescues.....but none was working. Along with them, I also missed Diksha...she would have known what to do we felt.

Diksha got back a couple of hours later, and then we both went and tried. This time with a lot more planning and strategy, including sourcing the tallest (rickety) step ladder, on which both of us took turns but with no luck.........parking the car below the balcony in the hope that Goldy would herself jump........ getting the electrician to climb onto the balcony which scared Goldy enough to make her climb up to the window ledge.....full on drama. 

Anyways..... to fill in facts, we tried it all till eleven at night and then gave up, nothing had worked. Next morning the mission was back on, and with reinforcement in the form of Deepak.....and between the two of them, they did it

Goldy, after the rescue

     

That's her baby picture from three months back...couldn't resist putting it in :)

Now what amazed me through all of this, is that as we were working on this, a couple of  neighbors came around to join us for a while, and I heard 'he's been stuck there since last night, mewing all night, I couldn't even sleep' 'what a nuisance, something should be done'.

And I was left wondering.....what would it have taken for you to have felt the responsibility........ got help...... felt the love that Gowri and Raina had.......why does it go away as we grow up.

Thanks Gowri and Raina.....and Diksha and Deepak .....I'm sure Goldy's grateful !

Batteries Not Included

From Seth

It's easy to dream of a strategy or a set of tactics that will make your forward motion feel less like an uphill slog. A perpetual motion machine of progress.

These are few and far between.

The single most important part of any project is the battery, the source of energy, the optimism and effort that turns the long shot into the sure thing, one day at a time.

Better to hire and train and seek out batteries. They're priceless.

The 'Maybe' Impact

This was a scene one evening at a cousins place. She's busy preparing dinner and her seven year old comes in to ask if she can watch a particular movie on tv later that evening. The mom says 'we'll see'. The little one's back in twenty minutes, tugging at her sari and asking again 'mommy, can I watch?'. The answer this time is 'maybe sweetie'. Well, sweetie is back in twenty again, with a 'please, pleeeaase mom', and this time she gets a slightly stern ' go do what you want, I'm busy now' from the mom.

What is that really.

Sweetie comes back the fourth time, and this time says 'mom, you know what I'm waiting for right? I'm waiting for a 'yes' or a 'no'

What the child is looking for is a just a clear 'yes' or a 'no'. And if it's a 'no' she will likely want to know why a 'no', and be given the opportunity to state her case, else get convinced that mom has her reasons. Can we care for the child enough to give them that.

The child has it figured out that 'maybe' or 'we'll see' basically meant forget about it, just go away and do something else, just don't bug me. And why is that so? Because mostly the adult does not either know why they're saying 'no' (it's mostly just a conditioned default response) or does not have the patience to explain to the child ( is this what real  respect or love is)

But this is the way most conversations go. Even when we're in adult land. Wanting reason, Stopping the flow of conversation, and Telling the other person what is or isn't working is both helpful and rare. Quite rare. 

As humans we are yet so controlled by the primitive fight or flight response, (the instinctual physiological response to perceived attack) that when caught into a high stakes conversation, an emotionally driven conversation, most people resort to differing forms of silence or violence. Instead of making the effort to ensure that honest thoughts and feelings are expressed, people just defend their own ideas, or attack others ideas, or walk away in silence......either way suppressing emotions or drawing inaccurate conclusions.

Sadly, a majority of people are caught in negatively spiraling thoughts,  negativity trumps positivity , and people are hard wired to look for threat, then respond with aggression or run. 

This explains why it’s common for even a simple meaningful conversation to turn into a debate, a debate into an argument, and an argument into a verbal duel. We’re hardwired to take it there. Or to retract into silence. 

However, the good news is that there is a third possibility. What if we use awareness to know when we are getting caught in that situation, know what our triggers are, and then let the other know what it's doing to us personally........ a more balanced alternative. 

Try it. Even in the middle of a heated discussion, it's possible to pull the stopper and say:

“You know, when you raise your voice, speak with so much stress, go beyond the current facts, it's not working for me. Instead of listening and believing, I feel pressured, and I find myself resisting what you’re saying."

Stopping and discussing what you believe is happening to your conversation can feel odd. After all, it’s rarely done, whether you’re seven or seventy. Nevertheless, it can be done. And I think ought to be done.

And think of the positives. You would not only have healthier and more authentic relationships, but you'd have so many chances for genuine feedback, and thereby insights and growth. We all have our blind spots, and what a wonderful way to have it pointed out.

Sounds tough...sounds implausible, but it's really not. Try it, and you might see the equation function at an even higher frequency. 

Relational Energy Healing

Excerpts of an article by Dean Ramsden, a British psychotherapist and relational energy expert, that I found fascinating:

'Relational energy healing is a speciality field within energy healing, and invites us to step past the illusions of our isolation with others and to acknowledge the power of our relationships to extend the experience of our individuated mind. 

Many recognize that the human mind (that part of us that is consciously aware of itself and of others) exhibits a field effect (action-at-a-distance) rather than a local effect. In other words, our human consciousness can be experienced as not limited within our physical body but as operating as a structured energetic field, and one which grows and develops over time. The “mind field effect” is something that we come to recognize as fundamental to true change, and when used right enables powerful insights.

The connectivity of our energy field with others is reflected in many of the common expressions in everyday language. We talk about feeling “connected” to the heart of another, we talk about “cutting the cord” when we want to leave a relationship and move forward with our lives, we talk about “hooking” up with someone, as the precursor to an intimate encounter with them. And now, in our modern age of mobile phones and wi-fi internet, we use the invisible world of connectivity daily. It’s not a big leap for many to go from calling your mother’s cell phone to considering the possibility that non-visible chakra cord links you to her.

The communal underpinnings of our connections to others has long been mapped in other fields of study, such as Carl Jung’s concepts of the collective unconsciousness, and Family Systems theory in the psychotherapy world. 

If chakra cords extend our mind field of personal consciousness, then it implies that the communication is a two-way street: that as we make contact with (and influence) another person, they – in turn – influence us, and impact our personal energy system. Relationships viewed in this way suddenly take on a new psycho-emotional importance, as it suggests that the quality and intentions of others can easily overpower our own personal choices. It can do this by simple unconscious influence or by socialization, which is living within a consensual reality not of our making, and can often overwhelm our true perceptions.

Sorting all this out is part of any spiritual or social greater awakening, and has far-reaching implications. It offers the potential for us to speed up the healing or transformation of all our energetic relationships with others, including relating towards ourselves. It helps us end old and restrictive relationships from our past. It helps us refine or grow our healthy relationships right here in the present.

And it may well create the foundation for a new future for us: one not built on the repetitive habits of the past, but one rising from our soul’s desire for a better world, and a superior way to relate to others. 

Doctor Strange

I'm not really big into super hero films, but when Diksha said, 'you have to watch it ma, and I want to watch it with you' (her second time), I went. And I got why she wanted me to go; it's marvel's first foray into the realms of the mystical and the occult.

             

A genius and world famous neurosurgeon, Doctor Strange's (Benedict Cumberbatch) life changes after a bad accident, when he finds he can no longer use his hands. As each surgical and traditional treatment fails, he hears of a mysterious treatment at a place called Kamar Taj in Nepal, and that starts his rendezvous with the 'Ancient One' and with worlds and possibilities he hadn't known existed.

It's in a sense as trippy, as it can be real......it's got energy manifestation, out of body experiences, astral planes, mandalas, time portals, space time continuum...all those fascinating concepts. I say trippy, not just because it's very sci-fi, but also because none any longer sound impossible....actually highly probable.

In fact Astrophysicist Adam Frank of the University of Rochester was enlisted by Marvel as a consultant for the film, and he helped flesh out the world (or worlds) that Strange inhabits in the film. One of the main angles of the film's philosophy that Frank helped guide was its focus on consciousness, where the reality in which we live is merely what our consciousness perceives as reality, but not necessarily the only reality.

It  takes me back to 'The Autobiography of a Yogi' where Yogananda talks of how the human mind evolves to grasp new possibilities.......'reality - imagination - sci fi - technology - reality'. 

An example he gives is of telepathy. At one point in history it would have seemed impossible that people across hundreds of kilometers could talk to each other. Then came telegraphs, telephones, cell phones.......think theories of the extended mind, and we know we're getting there. 

Anyways, back to the movie.....the 'Ancient One' played by Tilda Swinton, is Strange's mentor and teacher in the magical arts, an unwordly and ageless zen teacher, reflecting stillness, a wry sense of humor and an earthly cruelty. She has some interesting lessons.... she teaches Strange to surrender, unlearn all that he already knows, leave the ego completely behind.

The movie's visualization through CGI was mind blowing.  The length of the credits is indicative of the extent of work that has gone into it.

All fascinating stuff, and the visualization so electrifying and powerful that at points I felt my head literally spin in the effort to grasp it, and I'm guessing I got about half there.

The Magical Black Purge

All those panel discussions, oped articles and even innane coffee table discussions on what is the bane of the country, would typically percolate down to two major issues .......corruption and casteism. And while I've heard extreme probable solutions like 'revolution' and 'removal of second names' for the issue of casteism,  on corruption, I hadn't even heard of a one stroke solution.

So this, to me almost appears like Modi pulling a rabbit out of a hat. It's that magical.

In fact that historical evening when I first heard, I was like 'होही नहीं सकता, impossible....some prank'. And slowly disbelief of one kind turned into disbelief of the magical kind, the beautiful kind....and I was like 'wowwww.......'

To quote a friend 'In one stroke, so well timed and planned, the government has sucked out a staggering 87% of the cash in the system. It's the kind of a purge we can never hope to experience or see in a lifetime and I am so glad I am living in these times, to see this day and just feel it soak in.'

We've sadly grown immune to the inequality we see around us, we've learnt to use defense mechanisms to go on with life inspite of seeing such raw inequality. The statistics speak their own story.

According to the latest data on global wealth from Credit Suisse, the richest 1% of Indians own 53% of the country’s wealth, the richest 5% own 69% of the country’s wealth, while the top 10% have 76%. At the other end of the pyramid, the poorer half of our countrymen jostles for 4.1% of the nation’s wealth.(source: livemint - richest 1% own 53% of India's wealth) 

This is not to say we need communism, or an absolute equal distribution. No, let there be capitalism...but based on meritocracy, based on principles of integrity, fairness, honesty. 

And out of the blue comes this one master stroke....and 87% of the cash in the system is sucked out. 

Sure it won't be easy, and sure there will be inconveniences and maybe even longer lasting repercussions. But then it's radical space, like a surgery, and it will need time to heal.

The ones inconvenienced are not cribbing. The aam aadmi in fact seems thrilled, rejuvenated, restored to the possibility of faith and hope that life can after all be fair.

The ones complaining are the ones that it hurts most. 

But to pause and reflect; even if I'm sitting on a chunk of cash, maybe not because I'm corrupt, but because I was part of the viscous system, can I pause to think....can I be a willing part of the detox.........can I be willing to let it go........do it gracefully......do it for the larger good....do it because it's right

Let's support this from every cell of our body. Let the positivity from all of us see this through. Let it be an exemplary move from our country.

Modi, I salute you, even as I keep all my other reservations aside....for this one brilliant move, you are now a real life hero !!

A Little Experiment

I decided to try out a small experiment, my own go at breaking barriers, a gesture to enable level playing.  

I guess it's in Google that I learnt how implementing a policy can happen also at very subtle levels. Google prides itself on it's level playing approach...and one way of doing this was, no fancy designations and no fancy cabins.  And irrespective of position or experience or age, or any which differentiator, everyone calls everyone else by first name, be it Narsimha at the dinner counter, or Larry, Sergey or Eric.

I thought I'd flip it over. I decided to address anyone whose service I use as Sir and Madam. I started with auto drivers and cab drivers. 

It's so interesting, not to speak of satisfying, to see what that little gesture of respect can do. None of them say anything, but it's impact is so visible in their body language...at times you can almost see their body straighten up, feel more important, feel good, and that's the absolute idea.

This evening at Parivarthan, there was a scooter parked right behind my car. There was this guy, likely a driver or mechanic walking by, and I was like 'Sir, nimdaa scooter', and while he said no, and I could first see the doubt on his face, and then, there was no mistaking the glow when I again said 'help maadthira Sir'. He was happy to help, and I was as happy, not as much about his help, but more to have enabled that additional smile.

Gave me chance to smile too :)

Open & Honest Communication

Honestly......how much of open & honest communication do we really do

Even where and when it's needed.

We might have an aching back, a child with a sinus attack, a father ill in hospital, but when a colleague asks 'how are you', we'd say 'fine, thank you'. Now, that is really fine, because they're in reality only saying Hi.

But how much do we stretch that.

Over the years, how much do these shallow, ritualistic responses, the little white lies, and defensive stilted responses become so ingrained that we find it difficult to communicate directly, honestly and openly even with friends, family...people who matter to us.

Sure with friends and family, there is more conversation, more time spent.....yet, how much of that is taken over by details of daily living..... stories from others lives......information from public space and such. How much are we able to express all that we honestly want to. 

I read somewhere 'when we try to be honest we often get into hot water, so we learn to keep our mouths shut and to hide our true feelings. We learn to talk facts and thoughts and not feelings. That, it appears, is the only way to get along in the world. And there is no question it helps grease the wheels of ordinary day-to-day living.

We continue to assure ourselves, however, that when it comes to anything really important, we will be able to go back to being forthright. Unfortunately it isn't that easy'

Is it that in the practice of the ritualistic talking, even when we need to be honest and open, we've forgotten how?

Especially so with people who are important to us. Do we have it in us to wade through the rituals, move beyond the details and engage in authentic conversations when needed.

Authentic conversations are what enable authentic relationships.

Richard Francisco, a Lecturer at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and a psychologist at San José State University has a model of communication where he talks of different levels of communication and asks how comfortable we are in shifting levels when needed.

There's a lot of recent studies and research on couples, where it's been found that many couples believe that they know a lot more about one another than they in fact do know.  And the findings point up the need for greater communication between partners, especially husbands and wives. 

'Most people seemed to end up guessing, and guessing apparently doesn't work. Unless you tell your mate how you feel, he or she will be forced to guess, and the strong likelihood is that the guess will be wrong.

If you want your mate to stop guessing about your feelings and motives, you have to be prepared to reveal yourself. And in order to reveal yourself you have to know yourself. You can't talk openly and honestly with your mate until you have tried being honest with yourself first.

Level with yourself. Take time off to be alone, and use that time not just in passive meditation but to carry on an active inner dialogue with yourself, between the person you think you are and the inner you that operates at gut level. Communicating with yourself involves revelation, self analysis and re-evaluation. Change is impossible otherwise.'

It's possible with increasing degrees of self awareness.....and is worth the authentic spaces of being that it enables.

Corrosion

From Seth

The things that break all at once aren’t really a problem. You note that they’ve broken, and then you fix them.

The challenge is corrosion. Things that slowly fade, that eventually become a hassle--it takes effort and judgment to decide when it’s time to refurbish them.

And yes, the same thing is true for relationships, customer service and all the 'soft' stuff that matters so much.

Painting by the lake

This mornings walk held a nice new surprise. This elderly gentleman deeply engrossed in painting. Just seeing him there... sitting by himself, oblivious to the morning walkers, his color palette and a little glass of water and this wonderful piece of art getting created on his lap was in itself so uplifting.

I went and hung around until he got distracted enough to look, and then I asked if I could take a closer look at the painting

The left side of the scene, with just a little bit of the lake, was what he was painting. We got chatting a bit too. He's Padmaraj, and he has studies art in college, a bachelor of fine arts.... then got into regular work....retired from a pharmaceutical company, and is now pursuing his interest between looking after his grandson. 

I'm hoping to meet him again. Just seeing him there was inspiring. Guess I have a soft corner for painting, it's one of  those wants that just sat on the cold freeze :)

While I had to drag myself out for the walk this morning (resuming after a break is just so so difficult) I came back so glad I'd gone.....

Can You Really Improve Your EI

With the number of posts I've been doing on Emotional Intelligence, I'm presuming I can now shift into the shorter version of EI or EQ :)

This was another interesting article in a Harvard Business Review magazine publication, by Tomas Chamorro Premuzic, a professor of business psychology at University College London.

Here's excerpts:

'Who wouldn't want a higher level of emotional intelligence? Studies have shown that a high emotional quotient boosts career success, entrepreneurial potential, leadership talent, health, relationship satisfaction, humor and happiness. Plus it's more rewarding to deal with people with a higher EQ.

Most coaching interventions try to enhance some aspect of EQ, and the underlying reasoning is that, whereas IQ is very hard to change, EQ can increase with deliberate practice and training.

Nearly 3000 scientific articles have been published on EQ since the concept was first introduced in 1990, and there are five key points to consider.

1. Your level of EQ is firm, but not rigid: Our ability to identify and manage our own and others' emotions is fairly stable over time, influenced by our early childhood experiences and even genetics. That doesn't mean we can't change it, but realistically long term improvements will require a great deal of dedication and guidance.

2. Good Coaching Programs do Work: Good news for all you coaches and your clients; bad news for the skeptics. And there's a bonus: Research also shows that the benefits of EQ coaching are not just confined to the workplace...they produce higher levels of happiness, mental and physical health, and improved social and marital relationships, and they decrease the levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

3. You can improve only if you get accurate feedback: While many ingredients are required for a good EQ coaching program, the most important aspect is giving people accurate feedback. It is remarkable how many smart, highly motivated and apparently responsible people rarely pause to contemplate their own behaviors. It is a well documented (but rarely discussed) fact that, in any domain of competence, most people think they are better than they actually are. In other words we may not have a very accurate notion of how smart we are, but our notion of how nice we are is even less accurate. 

4. Some techniques (and coaches) are more competent than others: While there is little research on the personal characteristics of effective coaches, there is some research on the methods which work best. The most effective coaching techniques are under the umbrella of cognitive behavior therapy. But coaching is not pure science, it is also an art. As such, it's success depends on the talent of the coach.

5. Some people are more coachable than others: Even the best coach and coaching methods will fail with certain clients. Although there is not much research on coachability, a recent study showed that evaluating clients' coachabilty levels before the sessions begin can increase the effectiveness of coaching. A key determinant of being more coachable is the willingness of the adult to experiment with new behavior that are out of his or her comfort zone.'

I've personally used coaching, and while it was in the framework of corporate, I can vouch for the fact that it not only enables new perspectives and at times pivotal changes at work, but can also significantly alter how you live life. 

Nature's Own Display

This was on a recent morning walk at Lalbagh. While rounding the lake, I noticed an unusual energy around, and it didn't take long to identify source.......across the lake there were an exceptional lot of  birds, big birds.....mostly falcons and kites circling and hovering around an area at the far corner.

As I got nearer that corner of the lake I also saw a whole lot of pelicans on the lake surface in the same area.

And then also a lot of curious onlookers.

I took a couple of pictures as it seemed unusual and interesting. Once home, I was telling diksha about it and she's like, 'aah, that.......every once in a while the pelicans do this group thing where they slowly drive the fish from all directions into one corner of the lake, a fishing tactic....and the other predator birds know....  so they also swoop in for a share '

First off, I was impressed by this titbit of knowledge, and then of course she quickly reminded me of her having been part of several bird watching expeditions.

Was an interesting morning...the sighting and the discussion.

Folks with DSLRs is a common sight at lalbagh, but this was like all in one place

The pictures couldn't really catch it all, so you'll need to use some imagination as well. Now, just so you get to see a nicer picture of the pelicans, which a fancier camera and cameraman would catch, I googled for it... here's one of the pelicans in Lalbagh, the black birds around are cormorants.

                                 
And as I googled, I had a pleasant surprise.....one of my own earlier pictures also came up in Google images...brought on a smile :)

   

The Role of 'Feeling' In 'Thinking'

The more I understand of emotional intelligence, the more I see it being a defining factor in ones life.....in the quality of ones life...in the choices we make, in the way we relate, in the feelings that happen, in the decisions we take, in the emotions we feel, in the way we handle them.... in pretty much the gamut of being.

Daniel Goleman, author of several books on Emotional Intelligence states "The daily challenge of dealing effectively with emotions is critical to the human condition because our brains are hard-wired to give emotions the upper hand. The communication between your emotional and rational brains is the physical source of emotional intelligence."

Research is now indicating that IQ, a tool developed as a historical product and a need post the world wars is over hyped. Richard Herrnstein and Charles Murray, whose book The Bell Curve imputes a primary importance to IQ, acknowledge this; as they point out, "Perhaps a freshman with a SAT math score of 500 had better not have his heart set on being a mathematician, but if instead he wants to run his own business, become a U.S. Senator or make a million dollars, he should not put aside his dreams' .

The link between test scores and those achievements is dwarfed by the totality of other characteristics that he brings to life....characteristics which are defined by his emotional intelligence: abilities such as being able to motivate oneself and persist in the face of frustrations; to control impulse and delay gratification; to regulate one's moods and keep distress from swamping the ability to think; to empathize and to hope.

Unlike IQ, with its nearly one-hundred-year history of research with hundreds of thousands of people, emotional intelligence is a new concept. No one can yet say exactly how much of the variability from person to person in life's course it accounts for. But what data exist suggest it can be as powerful, and at times more powerful, than IQ. And while there are those who argue that IQ cannot be changed much by experience or education, crucial emotional competencies can indeed be learned and improved upon, especially so by children, if we bother to teach them.

In a lighter vein, it also answers a question that often stumps us  'how does somebody who is so obviously intelligent do something so irrational, something so dumb?'

And the interesting part is that despite the growing interest in EQ, there still exists a global deficit in understanding and managing emotions. Almost 70% of the people tested were unable to identify their emotions as they happened, so handling them is that much further away. 

There's enough research available on it to indicate that being aware of ones emotions can be used to potentially reap huge benefits. Apparently EQ accounts for a whopping 58 % of performance in all types of jobs.

Howard Gardner,  known for his multiple intelligences theory, appreciates how crucial these emotional and relationship abilities are in the rough-and-tumble of life. He also says "The time has come, to broaden our notion of the spectrum of talents. The single most important contribution education can make to a child's development is to help him toward a field where his talents best suit him, where he will be satisfied and competent. We've completely lost sight of that. Instead we subject everyone to an education where, if you succeed, you will be best suited to be a college professor. And we evaluate everyone along the way according to whether they meet that narrow standard of success.

We should spend less time ranking children and more time helping them to identify their natural competencies and gifts, and cultivate those. There are hundreds and hundreds of ways to succeed, and many, many different abilities that will help you get there.

Visualize the Leaks

From Seth

'It's almost impossible to walk past a spewing faucet without stopping and trying to turn it off. We can't bear to see the waste.

But our organizations leak all the time. The talented people who don't stick with the job because they're not respected, the potential customers who bounce from a clumsy website or the assets that go unused and unnoticed as they waste away.

The first step is seeing it. 

And then refusing to go back to not seeing it.'

10 Learnings - Brainpickings'

One of my favorite sites, Brainpickings, turned ten recently. And it was interesting to see that the author, Maria Popova, chose to write her ten core values as a tribute to the day. She says:

"I do find myself continually discovering, then returning to, certain core values. While they may be refined and enriched in the act of living, their elemental substance remains a center of gravity for what I experience as myself "

Here are excerpts, as some of them are not only interesting values, but also thought provoking, and as a concept align into last weeks write up on Core Values.

1. Allow yourself the uncomfortable luxury of changing your mind.  It’s enormously disorienting to simply say, “I don’t know.” But it’s infinitely more rewarding to understand than to be right — even if that means changing your mind about a topic, an ideology, or, above all, yourself.

2. Do nothing for prestige or status or money or approval alone. As Paul Graham observed, “prestige is like a powerful magnet that warps even your beliefs about what you enjoy. It causes you to work not on what you like, but what you’d like to like.” Those extrinsic motivators are fine and can feel life-affirming in the moment, but they ultimately don’t make it thrilling to get up in the morning and gratifying to go to sleep at night.

3. Be generous. Be generous with your time and your resources and with giving credit and, especially, with your words. It’s so much easier to be a critic than a celebrator.  To understand and be understood, those are among life’s greatest gifts, and every interaction is an opportunity to exchange them.

4. Build pockets of stillness into your life. Meditate. Go for walks. Ride your bike going nowhere in particular. The best ideas come to us when we stop actively trying to coax the muse into manifesting and let the fragments of experience float around our unconscious mind in order to click into new combinations. Without this essential stage of unconscious processing, the entire flow of the creative process is broken.

5. When people tell you who they are, Maya Angelou famously advised, believe them. Just as important, however, when people try to tell you who you are, don’t believe them. You are the only custodian of your own integrity, and the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you.

6. Presence is far more intricate and rewarding an art than productivity. Ours is a culture that measures our worth as human beings by our efficiency, our earnings, our ability to perform this or that. The cult of productivity has its place, but worshipping at its altar daily robs us of the very capacity for joy and wonder that makes life worth living — for, as Annie Dillard memorably put it, “how we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

7. “Expect anything worthwhile to take a long time.” This is borrowed from the wise and wonderful Debbie Millman, for it’s hard to better capture something so fundamental yet so impatiently overlooked in our culture of immediacy. The myth of the overnight success is just that — a myth — as well as a reminder that our present definition of success needs serious retuning. As I’ve reflected elsewhere, the flower doesn’t go from bud to blossom in one spritely burst and yet, as a culture, we’re disinterested in the tedium of the blossoming. But that’s where all the real magic unfolds in the making of one’s character and destiny.

8. Seek out what magnifies your spirit. Patti Smith, in discussing William Blake and her creative influences, talks about writers and artists who magnified her spirit — it’s a beautiful phrase and a beautiful notion. Who are the people, ideas, and books that magnify your spirit? Find them, hold on to them, and visit them often. Use them not only as a remedy once spiritual malaise has already infected your vitality but as a vaccine administered while you are healthy to protect your radiance.

9. Don’t be afraid to be an idealist. There is much to be said for our responsibility as creators and consumers of that constant dynamic interaction we call culture — which side of the fault line between catering and creating are we to stand on? The commercial enterprise is conditioning us to believe that the road to success is paved with catering to existing demands — give the people cat GIFs, the narrative goes, because cat GIFs are what the people want. But E.B. White, one of our last great idealists, was eternally right when he asserted half a century ago that the role of the writer is “to lift people up, not lower them down” — a role each of us is called to with increasing urgency, whatever cog we may be in the machinery of society. Supply creates its own demand. Only by consistently supplying it can we hope to increase the demand for the substantive over the superficial — in our individual lives and in the collective dream called culture.

10. Don’t just resist cynicism — fight it actively. Fight it in yourself, for this ungainly beast lays dormant in each of us, and counter it in those you love and engage with, by modeling its opposite. Cynicism often masquerades as nobler faculties and dispositions, but is categorically inferior. Unlike that great Rilkean life-expanding doubt, it is a contracting force. Unlike critical thinking, that pillar of reason and necessary counterpart to hope, it is inherently uncreative, unconstructive, and spiritually corrosive. There is nothing more difficult yet more gratifying in our society than living with sincerity and acting from a place of largehearted, constructive, rational faith in the human spirit, continually bending toward growth and betterment. This remains the most potent antidote to cynicism. Today, especially, it is an act of courage and resistance