Stability - Ability to Adapt

I came across this when I was doing some research on 'Values'.

It was like an aha moment.

Plus, I very quickly realized how many aha moments it was creating for whoever I spoke to about it, be it friends or clients.

Why?

Because it sounds counter intuitive.

The moment you hear 'stability', you are thinking; fixed, concrete, strong, unmoving

and 'Ability to Adapt', brings to mind contrasting thoughts; like scrappy, fluid, moving, flexible

That's when you pause to think of what 'stability' even means.

It's about how you feel within. A measure of how good you are feeling within yourself and with life around you....your surroundings, with your work, in your relationships, with your eco system, all of it.

And then you see it.

Everything is dynamic...in flux....evolving. Most facets of life are on a continuum, And to experience 'stability' you need to be able to adapt to this dynamic system, within and without.

There are some discrete entities like being married or not married, having a job or not....... yet, your work, avocation, health, financial status, relationship intimacy, and level of happiness are generally continuous, meaning that they can gradually get better or worse.

And that brings us to our 'ability to adapt'.

And this done efficiently, smoothly..........and in alignment with ones values is what enables 'stability'.

Recognizing ones values, plus an ability to adapt......and you have 'feelings, thoughts and actions aligned'......which imho is heaven :)

When Girija changed my life

Present day context: a poem from Girija

It was a wow moment to get up to.

This poem from her was on my phone when I got up day before yesterday, 27th morning.....and ofcourse it brought a smile, a deep down one....hard to even go down to how deep. Even if parts of it, like she said 'are brutally honest".

And as I started to write now, my thoughts started to go back, old memories got evoked, and a whole story came alive.

The poem itself is one I so cherish, and to preserve for posterity where better than here :)

Girija, what touched me is just how well you get me.......and what I admire is how beautifully you put it.....the nice parts, and the tough parts.

Thanks for being that friend who's always there, in moods which are joyous, which are reticent, which are questioning, which are confused and even those that are disastrous.

I'll never forget the day, all of fifteen years back, when I came to your house in JNIDB unannounced and said  "take off today, you can't go to work today, please, I need you", and despite it being a tough day for you, you took off...you went for one meeting, cancelled the rest, and stayed back. 

That day was momentous. The Google in the poem, rather in my life, would not have happened had it not been for you that day.

Let me tell the story:

I'd quit IDBI after thirteen years of service and been a stay home mom for five years. Sure I did farming and salsa and painting and carnatic sangeetham and bharatnatyam even......and all that was nice. But that fateful day, I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said I was at my nadir. I was in pain and drowning. And she held that space.

Through talking to her, I reached this space of  'I think I want to go back to work, any job, I don't care about salary, I don't even care what kind of work, yes, I think I want to restart'

And what do I hear....... "apply to google".

Even through my tears I could only laugh.  Here I was, talking of any any job, and she talks of the one company that's known to be the most difficult in the world to get into. I thought she was bonkers.

But no, she was serious. She started to write out a resume, and I was like "chi girija, that doesn't even sound like me". And she's like "just shut up, either you write it, or you let me write it". 

Finally, she let me write four lines of the cover letter, but everything else was her. And before I knew it, the application was done.

Three months of uncertainty, one exam with 99.6 % as bar and four crazy interviews later............I walked through the portals of Google :)

Girija, for the poem, for that day, and for all that you've been and are..... 🙏

Getting into momentum

It's fascinating to see how, even what you love to do takes energy, focus and effort. 

Maybe it's because what you love to do:

is dynamic 

has components that are not in your control 

is that few notches challenging 

pushes you to better yourself

and so on....

likely, one, some, of all of the above

Writing the blog is one such to me. Much as I love it, the gaps come in, the restart is an effort......and so today I'm resorting back to Seth :)

From Seth

Following in the footsteps of those that came before

No matter how hard you try, you can’t.

After just a few steps, you’ll be slightly enlarging the footprint. By the time six people have done it, the original is completely gone.

Footprints might be a fine compass, but they’re not much of a map. That’s on us.

Missing you more today, daddy

These are moments when I really miss him.

Every birthday he would ask "emi nee age ipudu", and whatever number I gave him, he would have something to say about it, something which made the number suddenly turn positive.

daddy and me.......from the archives...moments forever

His verve and energy for life, his love for trains and planes, for birds and flowers....they never waned, not till the very end.....it was so inspiring. 

If dhruva recognized his love for cinema, and diksha her love for animals, enough to make it into their respective career paths, I wouldn't be surprised if a major factor of influence was daddy. 

He has watched and discussed movies with dhruva from the time he could take dhruva to the theatre to the time dhruva took him to the theatre. Their innumerable trips to the zoo when they were little, just the three of them are like family legend. I would be like "how can you manage both of them daddy", but he was unfazed.

The other day ( a few months back :) when diksha pointed out a star and said "that's sirius no thatha", he was like "how do you know?" and she's like "from you only no thatha".

Our gifts to each other were almost always books. Only the last few birthdays of his, my gift has been artificial flowers as he so loved filling up his study and bedroom with them. 

This one gift of his doesn't cease to touch me. 

For my wedding....somehow the jewellery and sarees and all the other wedding regalia disappears under the meaningfulness of this...... as this is what has stayed, and stares out at me from my bookshelf each day, like it did today.

I miss hearing you say "happy birthday" daddy.

Pan 24 - This May Day

I can feel the energy surge through my fingers just opening this page.

I haven't been here since the 18th of April.  A month before that was each day of an adrenalin high, which inspired and created my pandemic series.

And 19th April, if I may use the term, was like an adrenalin low. 

Life ebbed out. Daddy, may your soul rest in peace.

Daddy left this world as we know it with so much profundity, that at times I feel mom and I are still processing it as we speak each day. There's so much depth and inspiration there that I knew I needed to write.....as much for self as for others. Yet something was holding me back. It's like mom said so beautifully a couple of days back "I am in a space of full acceptance, there is no grief, I'm not feeling anything, but I am still not able to sing" 

Guess blogging to me, is like singing to her.

Today is the 13th day, a symbolic gateway day.....where they say the soul passes on to the next dimension. Maybe that's as literal as it is symbolic.

When I got up this morning, I had this from Google Rediscover:

From a road trip to Coonoor that Diksha and I did four years back.

A dawn and a dusk.   

Today is Diksha's birthday. ("A very happy birthday sweetheart")

The picture seemed to capture the essence of the space....... the dawns and dusks of life. 

They come....they go, and they come again.... so do birthdays ......and at the larger level so does life.

Daddy, you wanted to come back to be a pilot.......should I be saying 'may your soul rest in peace....or welcome back to the possibility of becoming a pilot'. 

Knowing you, and your zest and love for life, it'll likely be the latter, so I'd rather say 'good luck with the new life daddy'  

You are with me forever more too.

Pan 23 - stuff that touches the heart

Diksha has doggy friends wherever she goes. Can be in college, on a beach in mahabalipuram, a cafe in cochin, down our street.....just about everywhere.

I recall, when she got back from Australia for her vacation break in November, she took me to meet one such doggy friend.... a street dog near one of her fav'rite haunts in Jubilee Hills. I was telling her "it's six months since you've been gone deech, how are you going to find him". 

She was a little skeptical too....she wasn't even sure he'd recognize her.  

It was a busy main road.... rd no 10, Jubilee Hills, and in all that traffic there was no way she could call out. She'd named him poofy, but she wasn't sure he'd remember his name. To my total amazement, she had this particular low long whistle.............and sure enough, within minutes there was this super warm reunion :)

This time round when she was back, what with quarantine and lock down, she was concerned for him. She posted on some instagram groups........dog lover groups I think, asking if anyone could feed poofy, and she actually had three responses. I was so surprised..... all from strangers....strangers who thought alike.... so so amazing.

And last week, since her own quarantine ended, she has taken on the onus of feeding stray dogs in our area. Whatever essentials are or are not at home, the supply of bread and biscuits for the dogs are definitely there :)

A little clip of the doggies eating.

Deech, and all the other kids who are doing their bit and beyond to look after the strays which have no way to fend for themselves during this lockdown.........wonderful wonderful work, so proud of all of you !

Pan 22 - So Cute

Another one that diksha sent me. 

While the caption is nicely creative, even the picture made us curious. She researched to find that in a zoo in Canada, this is a frequent occurrence where the otters in the moat around the orangutan's enclosure come up like this quite regularly.

Pan 21 - Towards Better

From Seth

Towards Better

There’s rarely a straight line from here to better.

But there’s usually an arc.

The slog won’t last forever.

And winning streaks aren’t endless either.

As we move through time, we’re often presented with opportunities that are carefully disguised as problems. And every day we’re forced to make a choice. The default might be to hold back, but it’s not the only option.

The chance to move toward better can become a habit.

Pan 20 - Have you ever seen the rain

A few days back we had this sudden really heavy downpour, an actual hailstorm. Diksha and I opened the front door to see if we could collect some of the hail, before we literally got swept back into the house with the force of the rain.

Within a few minutes she created this post for her instagram account with the picture from our terrace.

I felt it was incredibly lovely.........the terrace, the rain and the song...each among my favorites :)

Pan 19 - Seeing Synchronicity

Something we all experience......

It's not often that we actually get to capture it......so when it does happen it gives me a personal high. It's almost like feeling more in tune with the universe.

Synchronicity is not the same as us noticing more of what we have on mind. For instance, if you're thinking of buying a washing machine, you'll start to see more hoardings and ads of washing machines. This is basically tuning into what's already existing.

Synchronicity, on the other hand, is mysterious and meaningful coincidences.

Synchronicity is a concept, first introduced by analytical psychologist Carl Jung, which holds that events are "meaningful coincidences" if they occur with no causal relationship yet seem to be meaningfully related. 

The other day I had three such experiences. And I get excited because it seems to tell me I'm at my optimal frequency.....and it's precious just by virtue of it being rare....as before long something will happen to make life go topsy turvy again. 

It's like my barometer of resonance with my inner self and with the universe. 

The instances, I'll write about as I also want to preserve it for posterity. 

I was listening to this rather powerful meditation on gratitude, one that shifted approach from 'I feel gratitude' to 'I am gratitude'.

I finish listening, and as if on cue I get a message from Anita, an individual who I can quite comfortably say was instrumental in changing my life. I recall the moment the shift began...I was in the middle of a meeting at SELCO...........and she and that began the moment of my shift........and have over this period impacted my awareness, my decision making, my life, my attitudes, my career.....everything. 

It was like the universe telling me this was my chance to express gratitude to her.....and that went onto her joining into the fourteen day meditation program I was doing....a nice level to connect on.

Second was; it was a few days since I'd spoken to a friend, and I'm wondering if I ought to call....and within minutes the call comes in.

They're little incidents......but when your mind picks up the amazement at the coincidence is when you realize they stand for something more.

Fine tune your radar........you'll tune into a subtle but distinctive shift in life !!

Pan 18 - Thanks Dr Praneeth

Dr Praneeth is someone we met during dad's emergency admission into hospital a few months back.

It was under really difficult circumstances that we met him...this was about eight months back when we went into Care Hospital with some apprehension, as daddy's regular doc had left to join at policy level with the central govt.

In the midst of what appears like chaos, but is in reality an emergency being taken under control was the calming presence of Dr Praneeth, who I could see very quietly take over the situation. 

That was all of eight months back.

And like I was telling Dr Praneeth yesterday, he has touched our lives in such deep ways over this period, that it's left an indelible impact.

Infact, there's this book 'when breath becomes air', one which brought out for me how a doctor can heal not just through medication, but also through his very being. Dr. Praneeth reminded me of that. At the cost of sounding a little overboard, I'd still say  'he espouses the very values of the profession....and of being a wonderful human'

We even started on opposite sides of the table in more ways then one. He strongly recommended surgery, while daddy had decided that he didn't want surgery, and it took us time and space to navigate that difference and gradually align.

Any questions we had......it's almost like he knew our thoughts and would take the time out of his crazy busy schedule to make himself available, and enable us to understand, however basic or complex the questions.

He seems to have the ability to say the most difficult things with a 'clarity and kindness' that are remarkable as a combination.

And what's more, in February when we were at the hospital we had mentioned that March 7th was dad's birthday, and how it was a very significant one for him....... and imagine our complete surprise when March 7th, he comes home with his whole team.....and a cake and bouquet of chocolates too.

A gesture that created history in the family... no one in our friends or family circle had ever seen anything like that. 

Dr.Praneeth, Dhruva, Daddy and Praveen.......unfortunately, don't have picture with the rest of the team and the cake. 

It sure made his birthday a more special day.

Dr Praneeth, a simple thanks is not enough, not even many would be....for all that you've been and done through this process..... and lastly for yesterday.....for having allowed us to take daddy back home against medical advise..... for having supported us through that very difficult decision....for having understood that at this point we were catering more to his emotional needs.

And I must add, like mom said, he has this ever present smile..... one which just puts such a pleasant context to each interaction with him. And it's something I personally place a really high premium on too, my blog's not called 'keep smiling....' for nothing see  :)

You will be remembered Dr Praneeth, with admiration and gratitude. 🙏

Pan 17 - A Super Pink Full Moon

Thanks to now spending entire evenings on the terrace, the full moon today came closer not just by virtue of it's being at it's nearest to the earth, but also be becoming part of an entire evening.

It's apparently the biggest and best moon of the year.

Actually it started last night or rather early this morning as the moon set.... it shone so bright through my window that it's light actually woke me up at around 5....imagine :)

When I saw how spectacularly it rose this evening, I not just called diksha out, I also told a few friends as I was talking to them (evenings on the terrace have become walk and talk time). While Diksha got me a few pictures, I was pleasantly surprised to get a couple of pictures from Mumbai, alongwith their 'wows'.

And what's more, Monica who is big time into astrology said this was best time to do a moon meditation and that it was time 'to let go of old patterns' . The thought appealed so I did that too :)

As it rose through the cloud cover

Thanks Vishakha, that's some zoom

Thanks Suvir, that's a beautifully framed picture

Thanks again Suvir, for having added in another, it's stunning

Thanks Deech, that's panoramic

That was one super moon evening (pun intended :)

Pan 16 - Two good pieces

I received these links with the message "two good pieces on it....in case you haven't come across them yet".

One, an article in the NY times magazine which came with the message "it's frighteningly brilliant ! the best you might ever read on the virus"

And the other a write up by Yuval Noah Harari, author of Sapiens, with the message "why good writing and quality journalism is one that regenerates humanity and strengthens liberal democracies by informing them"

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2020/03/the-story-of-a-coronavirus-infection.html

https://www.ft.com/content/19d90308-6858-11ea-a3c9-1fe6fedcca75

Both totally totally worth reading.

Thanks Swaroop for sharing these.

Pan 15 - Thoughts.....Conversations......Aha's

Will it change the world as we know it ?

As analogy I read somewhere that the way we know time as 'Before Christ' and 'After Christ'.....it will now be 'Before Carona' and 'After Carona'. As big as that.

At an individual level, while Covid has pushed a lot of us back to basics....into the 'life of detail', it has done a lot more.

At an individual level, the space and time to be with ones own thoughts, feelings, sensations.

I've heard people talk of taking up personal level vipassana, people who are delving deeper into meditation, conscious reevaluation, stretching imagination.....

And there's also the collective level. That's even more new.  No single thing has impacted the whole world as covid has.

Collective energy is powerful.

While regular conversations are throwing up words like 'apocalyptic' 'dystopic' 'disruptive'........what's underlying maybe fear of a virus and of death.....there's also no one immune to the fact that the world needed something like this.

I read somewhere how 'ego' is being pushed to be replaced by 'eco'. As subtle and as sweeping as that.

Conversations are also throwing up the deeper stuff. Folks saying this will reveal some truths for a lot of us.....what do our lives stand for..... what do our relationships mean..... what does success mean....what does work mean.

While these questions have always existed, they've always sat on the outer eco system for most, on the fringe for some.....and now it's like the tipping point....it's walked right into the doors for many.

We are being shown the mirror. 

Do we have the courage to see it....at the collective, as also the individual levels.

Pan 14 - Ain't No Sunshine

Why is 'ain't no sunshine' part of my Pandemic series?

Well, yest as I was washing dishes, my radar picked up the song playing behind Diksha's closed door......and what would have been a moment that would have been like 'noticed and passed', grew larger.

She peeped out to say "your song ma.....heard?...... and Bill Withers passed away yesterday". And in response to my look, she goes on "no, not of covid, he was 81, and died of some heart thing".

While I asked her to replay twice as I went back to my dishes, my mind would no longer be contained. It was one of my favorites, in a collection that was not just cherished, but listened to like a million times.

And sure enough it brought up feelings of nostalgia......and nostalgia in it's essence, deep feelings of happiness and of sadness that can take you over.

So a post in tribute to Bill Withers ....  Thanks and Rest in Peace.

Pan 13 - Sparrow on our terrace

This was one of those simply amazing moments

Ones that can occur even in the midst of difficulty and turmoil.

At first I couldn't believe my eyes, I checked and rechecked to see if I wasn't mistaking a munia, or flower bird, or bulbul.....but no it was definitely a sparrow.

And what's more I saw another the next morning, and this time for long enough to get a picture.

I wasn't as excited even when I saw three peacocks on my terrace (yes, that happened once, but then while that was thrilling, seeing how close I live to kbr, guess it still doesn't amount to amazing)

So why is this amazing?

Because sparrows have completely disappeared from the city, for years now, likely over twenty  years......and they were an integral part of our growing up days.

This one appearing was like so, almost potent....an indication of how quickly things can change......how quickly does the earth heal.....how deep is this impact......that kind of thing.

Seeing more stars in the sky has a logical and simple enough explanation.....less smog.

Hearing more birds does too......more silence around... more time to listen, and maybe happier birds too.

But the sparrow.....that is such a wonder.

Pan 12 - Lamp of gratitude...

At this point the underlying, or rather overpowering emotions in the air sit on the spectrum of uncertainty, fear, anxiety, frustration, sadness, worry, boredom......and yes also amazement, wonder, gratitude

Likely more, maybe way more, of the difficult emotions than the happier ones.... essentially because so much change in so little time doesn't allow for processing time.

For this post, I'm picking gratitude.

I realized this as I lit the lamp this morning, and I was overwhelmed with the feeling.

Diksha testing negative was only the immediate and visible part of why. There's so much more to be in gratitude for...... at the micro level and macro level.

Starting from her even being back with us, for dhruva being here too, for my parents being able to cope, for ravi helping them out as much as he is, for being able to connect with family and friends and know they are safe........

for the government showing the kind of leadership and solidarity, for the essential supplies chain continuing to keep us provided, for the grocer remaining open under the circumstances, for medicines being available, for the garbage guy still coming to collect the garbage.......

and a special call out to my kirana guy who even with his shutters down, was willing to give me 'ensure' from the back door for dad...

for the net and phone that have become our connect with the world outside....

for that experience of more birds...and more stars in the sky

and that list goes on.

On the way back from the hospital diksha didn't want to stop anywhere, but I was like "I need match boxes deech". And she's like "ma, how is that an essential item"

I needed it to light the lamp.

I don't have a religious altar at home..... the lamp in my drawing room symbolizes my hotline with the universe. Any conversation happens through it....and today it got named lamp of gratitude :)

Like I heard in a recent talk.....it's about shifting from 'I feel gratitude' to 'I am gratitude'

Can we continue to feel it in 'complete empathy and acceptance' even as we see life unfold in unprecedented and mysterious ways. 

Can gratitude and acceptance become core.

Pan 11 - The Covid test

Based on inputs from the doctors in family, we headed to the 'Government Fever Hospital' in nallakunta........koranti hospital as it's locally called.

When I told diksha we were going to 'fever hospital', she was like "what??? there's a hospital called 'fever hospital'?". 

Well, there is. While it's called the 'Ronald Ross Institute of Tropical and Communicable Diseases', all old hyderabadis will know it as 'koranti dawakhana' or 'fever hospital'.

And strangely enough 'koranti' is the localized word for 'quarantine'. for which this hospital was established all of hundred years back, in what was then the city's outskirts.

While I've passed it a thousand times going to my mom's and ammamma's place of work which was further down the road, I hadn't even seen this massive name board ever.

Infact ammamma had told me a story of how during the plague they had created a shelter  in the area, with a lot of tents, which was mandatory for all people who lived in tiled houses as they would invariably have rats in their rafters....and how some of our relatives had to also move.

My mum also recalls how they would bring the clothes of infected people and burn them at a lake in front of their house, also in the same area (this must have likely been the spanish flu)

Anyways, to come back to the present.....

As we drove there with those tight covid masks on,  I'm telling diksha "how on earth did you wear this mask for all of twenty hours ma........I'm sweating within it.... so much so I think I'm drinking my sweat", and she's like, "chiiiii maaa, just stop talking no" :)

We entered the fever hospital with that tight knot in the pit of the stomach.....guess it represented a mixture of apprehension and anxiety.........not as much of covid at that point, but of just a 'government hospital',  we've all heard enough to feel that way I guess, right?

We drove into an iron gate........down a long driveway (guess that fits for isolation and quarantines), past a spattering of people in coats and masks......and then really old looking boards which read; 'malaria ward'..... 'small pox ward'......the knot getting tighter......and then took a left to ward VII as directed, and drove into a nice parking lot. (an urban relief even amidst covid :)

The hospital itself is a sprawling complex of single storied buildings......old yes, but otherwise nice. The isolation ward we went to had about twenty beds, with new mattresses on each of the beds, the fans were new and working, the bedsheets were old and worn out but visibly just back from laundry.

The bedsheet on diksha's bed had a potent looking stain on it.......and I went hunting for another bedsheet to cover that. Those are also scary moments as you don't know what you can touch and what not. 

Sure it's not your five star corporate hospital, but it's nothing like what people are posting online. People don't seem to have the maturity to reset expectations depending on context. It only reaffirmed to me that people who think negative will be cribbers no matter what, and unfortunately they are the loudest and most visible too.

Infact, as diksha waited for her test, I even braved a peep into the bathrooms, everyone's nightmare right.......and while old, it was yet clean.

And old means really really old....when I was searching online for how old, I found a Hansindia article saying it completed hundred years  in 2015

While everyone in the premises, the doctors, the nurses, the lab assistants were all in their hazmat coats, and talking through their masks....I found each of them pleasant, friendly and efficient.

(While Diksha was the only one in the ward when we went in, within the hour a large bunch of people came in, and I learnt from one of them that they were a team of airport employees who have been doing the passenger covid checks.....and one of their colleagues had tested positive, and that's why they were all asked to take the test)

At first a doctor came in and took a detailed report of diksha's symptoms and some medical background. And then diksha had to wait a while for the lab assistant. Those were her rather tense minutes I think, as she was like "ma, ask them if it will hurt". (it took effort to not let my tears escape)

The test itself is a swab taken from deep inside the throat and the nasal chamber. Not painful at all.

And then it was waiting for the results......twenty four nail biting hours, a twenty four hours that we spent away from talking or even thinking covid.

She tested negative. omg, omg.......the relief experienced is near impossible to describe :)

Pan 10 - When the sneezing began......

This was Day 4 after Diksha's return....... 25th March.

Very much in 'home quarantine'......and even before we could fully settle into the self isolation drill ......it looked like life had more in store for us.

It started that evening, with Diksha sniffling....... we attributed it to journey fatigue.

Next morning she started to cough......... we hoped it was a common cold.

By evening she was running a fever. I searched for a thermometer I haven't used in years. I found one. She checked and it read 100.5. 

I said, "no deech, can't trust these digital ones, may be a battery malfunction...let me find another". I actually found one... the old fashioned mercury one. I prefer the old ones. So we checked again. It also showed 100.3. 

It could still be a common cold (flu) we thought.

She did a lot of steam inhalation and salt water gargling. Put her on wikoryl and dolo.

We monitored with bated breath and fingers crossed.....for two days.....the fever was going down in the morning, and coming back at night. The cough was getting worse. Her cold was bad. The symptoms were ominous.

It was time to sit up.

We spoke to doctors.... doctors in the family, doctors among friends...... and the opinion was unanimous and clear; she needed to be taken to the government hospital for a covid test.

There was a phase where I was indecisive. Guess I was looking for excuses. I'd read about waiting for seven days before getting worried,  treating it at home till it gets severe...  stuff like that was interfering with thought process.

The stress was like the proverbial elephant in the room. We were both fluctuating. The thought of exposing her to a crowd during the test..... the thought of 14 days quarantine in Gandhi hospital...they were making our thinking nebulous.

While 27th evening I went to sleep with the decision of waiting two more days, 28th morning I got up with complete clarity.

Be it good sense, be it our sense of responsibility, be it fear, be it collective consciousness........whatever.....we knew we needed to do it.

Decision made, we were ill equipped in even knowing what to expect. I was like "pack a bag deech, you may not be allowed to come back if you test positive....and I'm not sure you'll have charging points and the like...so best you take a couple of books too...it's fourteen days after all"

She browses my book shelf, rejects all my suggestions....and picks what?

'For One More Day' by Mitch Albom......a philosophical book that explores mortality as central theme
and
'Sapiens, A Brief History of Humankind' by Yuvah Noal Harari

I could only stand and look on....with a cauldron of emotions within.......with anxiety, with fear.... with admiration, with respect.......... and most of all with tenderness and love ...........overflowing yet invisible ......and all from five feet away.

Her emotions we can only imagine. If anything, her choice of books spoke volumes.

What was visible on surface, for both of us, was a pragmatic, no nonsense air......and we left, backpack, sanitizer and masks in tow.

Pan 9 - Mother Nature to her Kindergartners

The evening, a few days back, that diksha and I chilled over vodka made for some fascinating conversations.....we meandered into the general, the intimate, the musical ....as well as the abstract levels.

When it was about covid, as it invariably gets to these days......and I was gingerly bringing in the larger concept of 'course correction' and 'earth intelligence'.....she took it to a whole different level with this:

this was like mother nature telling her kindergartners "ok children, time to sit back in your rooms and think about what you have done"

She'd heard it somewhere she said.....and I thought it was just so simply and so beautifully put, that it stayed with me.....enough to dedicate a post to the line :)

Pan 8 - When washing dishes becomes meditative.....

That's as 'present' as it gets.

What faizan does in half hour, I think is taking me an hour or more.

The difference? for her it's a job, plus she has the expertise.........for me neither. Over the last ten days it has grown into an activity of 'being in the present'. 

Plus, cleansing is potentially meditative (pun intended)

Meditation is no easy ask. Keeping the mind free of thoughts comes with a lot of practice, and honestly, though I've been at it for years, 'the stillness' or 'trance' or 'connect' or what have you...will still come when it wants to and not when it doesn't. You just can't make it happen.

And when one is in overwhelmed space, as I've been over the last couple of weeks, it's becoming more and more challenging. I haven't given up, but the body just takes over, and it's so tightly wound right now, that the simplest meditative tool of calming is also not working.

And that's when dishes have become cheat code :)

Steel and glass lend themselves to cleansing so beautifully. Atleast visually (thankfully we can't see the microbes :).

The whole process of starting with a sink full of dirty dishes, and ending with a tray full of sparkling dishes can actually be enriching, especially if you surrender yourself to the process. 

It went from being a chore, to a space I actually found fun and engrossing..... not to speak of the fact that the more stubborn ones like the cooker and frying pans are actually looking nicer than in the pre-covid era :)

Who'd ever think a picture like this would come onto the blog. Well....'life's changed' is not for nothing.....it's today symbolizing 'messy and meditative'.

That's when you realize that the choice is not just in 'what you do', but also in 'how you do what you do'. 

Pan 7 - Self Isolation, cont

I'm writing this from the vantage of Day 4.

Simply put...... 'life's changed'.

It's not just about what's happening out there.....not just about how daily life has changed....but how, it's also opportunity to look within. Ponder over the 'default to choice'  spectrum.

On the absolute contrary, what's also standing out is how this has made us go back to basics.....how all those facets of life which were outsourced have landed back on our lap.

It's paradoxical. At one level while I can talk about what gives life meaning, at another I am totally caught up in 'the life of detail'.

Between doing dishes, sweeping, swabbing, disinfecting, cooking.....and staying alive......there seems to be zero time for 'life as it was'. I haven't read a single book.  I haven't watched a single show or movie in over a week. There's neither the time, nor the mind space for it.

In a sense I guess that's also what made me come back to blogging. I didn't want to lose myself to the 'life of detail'. And of course Diksha's story needed capture, and am I glad it came in the form of motivation to write.

It's taking conscious effort. 

It's like what they say 'the urgent is louder than the important', and at times like this it's so easy to lose sight.

Just being busy has never been my thing....it's like I read somewhere "the ants are also busy.....the question is what are you busy with".

In and through the life of detail, to remember there is space for choice. 

Right now even I'm tempted to say 'god knows where', but that's the whole charm of it. Choice doesn't come easy :)

Pan 6 - Self Isolation

While we started with 5 feet distance at the airport.....we realized just how challenging that can be at home.

And I guess, very quickly we understood the fundamental difference between lock down and self isolation.

In a lock down you are protecting yourself from something that is outside. You stay in, you are safe.... you take the basic precautions and you are set.

In self isolation, the very 'thing' is potentially inside.

The primary ask is ensuring that 'it' does not go out..... plus trying to make sure it doesn't spread within the house. A whole different task.

Where do the boundaries get drawn.

The easy part was 'not stepping out'....... but what about how to handle the 'within'.

First off we're already exhausted from the uncertainty and stress of her arrival here....but there's zero time to unwind.

Where does one even start disinfection.....we swiped her suitcases with sanitizer (different story that we forgot the backpack until two days later), disposed her clothes, wiped door knobs and switches......drew difficult boundaries between us.

It meant not just not eating together, but also not being able to even hand over her plate to her. 

The red bottles became hers, the blue ones mine......the plates with a rim hers, the plain ones mine.....the glass glasses hers, the steel ones mine......it was crazy, rather is.

We could see when we were treading into risk....where does she dry her clothes,we have only one clothes line......we have only one broom stick, can I touch it after she uses it.....do sanitizer bottles need to be sanitized........  there was just no fool proof method. 

It's not just physically exhausting....but also emotionally so. Theoretical knowing and understanding can take you only so far. Nerves were getting on edge. We were both aware of each others stress, aware that the smiles we were seeing were as genuine, as they were brave fronts. And sure enough, we did hit breaking points.

There was a point on day 2, when I was "okay deech, strangely enough, you seem to think I'm overdoing it, and I think we're slipping in spaces.....it's two different perspectives of the same situation........neither of us knows  what is enough, or what the right thing to do really is........let's sit and agree on the rules, let's get on the same page with this".

Trust me....it takes conscious effort....no easy task when nerves are on edge. Where it worked well for us is that we think similarly,  matching wavelength kinds........but bigger still is that we both have very quick rebound times....the anger holding range is a max of five minutes :)

We soon found a rhythm......yet end of day two, we kind of needed a break. 

It was a beautiful evening....twilight is her favourite time of day....and she was like "want to have a drink ma?" and I was like "lovely idea deech, let's celebrate your coming back" !!

Pan 5 - Tense, Tenser, Tensest.......

Chuck the grammar.....if there were more degrees, I'd have added more.

That was how it felt. Three hours after I thought she was in the air,  she's saying they had engine trouble and were asked to deplane.

And then they were given dinner coupons and dinner.

And then they were rescheduling, as they were shifting them to another plane.

The clock towards the ban was ticking...we were down to counting.

And finally they took off at 10.50 pm. 

I will leave it to your imagination to figure what degree of stress those few hours were :)

At that point one of her friends here sent me a message saying "aunty, I have a cool link, it tells you the exact location of her flight, with height and wind speed too....I'll send it to you".

I was like "Rustom, please......thanks, but while I get how cool the link sounds, if I see that level of detail I think I'll have a nervous breakdown. You've been with me through this....you please track her flight, and let me know only if eta changes" :)

And finally at 2.15 am of 22nd she lands in Hyd.

Next came the possibility of the quarantine

While folks in family were very concerned about the quarantine, I wasn't.

To me all that mattered is that she was back. In comparison to the other scary possibilites of getting stranded in Singapore airport...... or under the circumstances even being stuck in Australia for god knows how long, fourteen days in quarantine seemed negligible.........I was just so so happy to have her back in Hyderabad.

In a crisis of this proportion, being together seemed to be all that mattered.

And that's when the tide turned. She breezed through the airport check, so much so she was out before I reached the airport........and I could drive right onto the arrivals ramp and pick her up.

She came out with this stamp on her hand....'home quarantined  - 4/4/2020'

And thus started the next phase of this story....... right from receiving her at the airport with a mask on,  and a distance of five feet.

I had prepared myself for it, physically and emotionally.....but trust me, it's not easy. I could stock up on sanitizers and groceries..............but what of the hugs and kisses which are an every day staple too :)

Pan 4 - When every minute was felt......

This was the whole of 21st March '2020.

Or rather it started from the 20th night itself, as her reporting time was 3 am, and she lives an hour away from the airport.

I was like "how will you go at that time deech?" and she's like "chill ma, I'll get a cab, or someone will drop me, I'll figure, don't worry".

I was like "no diksha, please....get a two way cab if needed, but please get someone to come with you....it's 2 at night ".

Knowing diksha, I should have known better. She had a literal farewell scene....her entire group of friends came to the airport to see her off .......nine of them, in two cars !! I couldn't believe it..... I was telling her how in my whole life that hadn't happened to me :)

Then the scene shifts to the airport. 

She said it was like a zombie town. Hardly any people.... and after check-in they wouldn't let her even go through security until the very end. Spooky she said.

Then she sent me this picture, from within the plane.

Literally all seats empty, the plane had all of five passengers on it. Look at that guy in a full hazmat suit. She said even his dark glasses were a couple of inches away from his face.  In fact she said when she looked up and saw him walking towards her, for a moment she felt like she was in some kind of surreal sci-fi movie. 

Flight done, it was now an eight hour layover at Singapore.

And those were the most tense hours, atleast for me :). While I kept messaging her intermittently, and I told a friend it was to keep her morale up, I realized later it was likely me needing it more.  I couldn't completely get away from the thought of how narrow this was, and implications of something going wrong.

Plus I had the delicate job of letting her know that once she's here she would need to be in self isolation for 14 days.

She made that easier for me. Sitting in Singapore airport for eight hours likely gave her a real feel of the covid atmosphere, for somewhere in between I got a message saying "I'm beginning to feel I might get quarantined when I get back".

That was my cue...I was like "well, best be prepared for that possibility.  And if not that, it's definitely self isolation.....from the moment you land....it'll be five feet distance".

And she's like "you mean I can't hug you when I see you? I'm not following that rule ma"

And that broke me. I could feel the tears rolling down all of their own volition. I thought I had done a good job of keeping my stress at bay, but I guess there are moments it needs out, and this was one such.

I literally hadn't moved from my couch all of those eight hours. I was counting minutes to when her flight would take off. 

At 5 pm she messages saying she's boarded.....and I start to breath again.

I had decided to go to my parents place only after her flight had taken off. So much for that......I'm with them, chilling over chai... a whole two hours later, and imagine my utter shock when I get a  "hellloooo bro" from diksha.

My first thought was wondering if they had introduced wifi on aircrafts....my mind couldn't wrap itself around any other possibility ......and a couple of minutes later I get "lol, still here ma".

And the minutes started to tick again :)

Pan 3 - 0000 hours ; 22nd March '2020

When I first got the message about the likelihood of the 'international flights suspended from 22nd', I was plain stunned.

At that moment I only knew that Diksha was leaving on 21st.... first leg being Perth to Singapore, an eight hour layover in Singapore, and then Singapore to Hyd....which sounded like she would definitely be landing on the 22nd.

Maybe that would have made the decision....even if a difficult one, of staying back in Australia.

But it wasn't to be. When I tell Diksha about the ban, she sends me her ticket saying "I land at 10.30 pm local time on 21st".

As narrow as that. 

And that's where our opinion differed. I was like "it's too narrow deech, what if your flight gets delayed by an hour.....what if they decide to cancel last minute.....the implications are scary....you'll get stuck in Singapore". And she's like "no ma, I'm coming.....I'm sure there will be others on the flight and they won't cancel......imagine that flight coming to Hyd and me having cancelled, how would you feel then"

We both go back to our individual thinking boards. She spoke to her friend who said 'worst case scenario, you get stuck, it's fine you can go stay with my family in Singapore'. I talk to a friend in Singapore and he says 'ofcourse, she's welcome to stay with me' (thanks Dhruva Shankar for that immediate reassurance when people around were telling me no one will host her at a time like this)

I spent a few hours frantically trying to call Singapore Airlines to see if they had clarity, but try as I might I couldn't get through.

I shifted focus to what happens if she gets stranded in Singapore.

A little more research, and I realize she needs to get a medical certificate from a doc in Perth and get it cleared by the Singapore overseas medical mission and then provided she tests negative, will be given a short term visa into Singapore.

She had just one day and she was busy with her semester deferment, cancellation of rental agreement, surrendering her sim card and all those winding down activities.

So that option got ruled out.

Late night I kept googling for more information. Every news portal said 22nd March, none mentioned time. 

Someone told me they heard 0000 hours. My heart sank. Especially as I realized that Diksha was by then in full momentum to come, and convincing her to stay back was going to be heartbreaking, for her as well as for me.

And then late night, and with more clarity the next morning, I found a couple of news clips that said the ban was from 0000 GMT and not IST. What a relief....that gave us five more hours. 

Phew.....enough breathing space. Or so we thought :)

Pan 2 - When this roller coaster ride began.......

While Covid was yet in the air.... this I think was on the 16th of March, just about a week back....is when this story began.

Up until then we were sitting at what seemed like a safe distance....it looked like things were happening in Wuhan and Milan and New York.... but it all seemed rather far away, still paper news, and what was happening here was more precautionary.

And then came the news that universities were shutting down, and what's worse, that students were being asked to vacate campus. That was my first concerned call to Diksha.

It set the thinking wheels whirring...... she was weighing options of losing an year of college (her university is still functioning, though mostly online), her campus not shutting down as their village as it's called, is a privately run housing tenement within campus, having a supportive group of friends...... the looming crisis......and figuring what she wanted to do. 

Despite advice to the contrary, of friends telling me that she's a tween and yet a child and I cannot leave the decision to her, I did. It's my core value in life. I took it upon myself to give her as much information as I could, be the white board for brain storming, enabling thought, giving perspectives........yet leaving the decision to her. 

I knew of people in my position who were either forcing, or emotionally arm twisting their children to come back. It took my all to do neither.

There was one evening when I'm asking her if she'd checked on tickets and she's like "I haven't yet decided ma, but trust me, I'm thinking harrdddd".

It's only much later that I was telling a friend how it's so much harder to 'allow and enable a decision and align into it' than to take the decision. Right or wrong I wouldn't know, but I'm happy with it. With knowing that my approach of 'allowing risk, letting the children figure how to handle risk, and being there no matter what' is something I could abide by even under such dire circumstances. To keep it at all times about them, and not us.

On 18th she took the decision to come back. Tickets were booked for the 6 am of 21st March, to fly in through Singapore.

One day of breathing relief.....that's all I got.

On 19th March at about 5 pm, I got the news that India was closing down all international flights from the 22nd. 

That was a sure spiral. The feeling you get when the roller coaster is on a steep slope, being pushed into the air, heart in mouth, and  held in place by only the seat belt, except that this was for real, and I didn't know if we had that seat belt.

Pan 1 - Nayaa Nazariyaan

As real .......as metaphorical.

While I started writing this post, almost a couple of weeks ago.....it was more specific to my lens implants....the literal shift. So let me start with that.

That day last month, decision to go ahead with surgery taken, when I was leaving home for my eye surgery, and I was saying bye to Faizan at home, I was like  "क़ुदाफिज़ faizan, नया नज़रियाँ के सात वापस आऊँगी ". (bye faizan, I will be back with a new vision).

Who ever thought it would get so metaphorical. It did ......and by multiple levels. 

I got my eye lens implanted, both eyes....reason being I didn't want to wear glasses anymore.

While that in itself has been, rather is being, an adventure of sorts....right from taking the decision, the halos I see around lights now, a kind of blur in one eye, the innumerable drops that are still going into my eyes......what stands out is the sheer joy of not having to wear glasses. After a complete dependency on glasses for years....... this is sheer bliss.

It's so wonderful, that while theoretically high risk, it's somewhere up there with one of the best decisions I've taken in life. 

And then, even before I could be done with post op........even as I was starting to see a  metaphorical shift happen in terms of  personal level barriers and boundaries getting breached ( naaya nazariyaan for real)........what's been happening since has changed not just my vision.....but life itself.

As we all know 'life as we knew it has changed'.

And I have a rather personal story there as well, one that I feel I need to capture for posterity.

Even as I write, Diksha is on 'home quarantine'......she got back to India on the last flight in from Singapore before the flight ban set in........amidst some crazy level uncertainty and stress.....an experience that deserves capture, in terms of decision, experience, and hopefully daily life through a quarantine.

An Atlas of Impossible Longing

One of those books I wished would never end.......

it was like being on a trip, and one so beautiful that nothing could mar it.... one of those that stays lingering in the heart long after the last page is turned.

Anuradha Roy seems to tune into people and their relationships, not as much with other people as also with their houses, the houses themselves become like significant characters. I love that about her.

At a personal level, I get attached to houses, and I like that my house symbolizes and reflects me in every way, and that's an added connect into her writing.

The characters and how their lives intertwine is so intricate that I am wary of even taking a shot at storyline....but suffice it to say it's a story that spans three generations set in the early 1900's of India, in small towns near Calcutta....through it's partition, and restoration.

More than story review, here's something on the book from The Washington Post that's worth a read:

"Every once in a great while, a novel comes along to remind you why you rummage through shelves in the first place. Why you peck like a magpie past the bright glitter of publishers’ promises. Why you read.

No “news hook” will have brought you to it. No famous name on the spine will suggest what’s in store. But as you slip into the book’s pages, you sense you are entering a singular creation, a richly populated world. Curiosity overcomes you. Before long, you are surrendering to the voice of a confident narrator, the arc of an unfamiliar story. And then, suddenly, you are swept away in a tale that is bristling with incident, steeped in the human condition, buffeted by winds of fate. This, you think, is the feeling you had as you read “Great Expectations” or “Sophie’s Choice” or “The Kite Runner.” This is why you read fiction at all."

I so agree. While I never fully moved away from fiction, she's definitely brought me fully back in.

And this line from the  New York times touched a poignant note

Some longings really do remain impossible, and on its best pages, though not its final ones, this book knows it.

Colour and Cuteness

That's what got added to my walk at kbr today;

this lovely splattering of purple flowers

same bunch taken from the other side

there are actually ten peacocks in this single frame, and one dancing too, sadly with it's back to the camera

this was the best....three little owls on a branch

And what's more, today I bumped into an old friend just as I was starting on my walk and that's the reason I walked the inner circuit. So must say, thanks Musharaf, not just for that invigorating conversation....but also, as you can see from the pictures, it became more than worthwhile, ought to have gotten one of you as well :)

My latest crush

Anuradha Roy

While I usually pick up books based on recommendations or reviews, this one was a casual pick up at the airport.

And I was hooked right from the first sentence. Actually, no, I think from the very title. But like they say 'don't judge a book by it's cover'. With Anuradha Roy, I feel you can. She seems to give so much thought to title and book cover.

And the nuances and feel of the story to come seem visible right from the very start.

It's the varying nuances and her ability to dive in and out of layers and layers of human emotion that I found so endearing....a writer of great intelligence and subtlety. 

At a larger level, it can be said to be a period drama, as it is set in the background of World War I, and then you see this personal story unfold. It's told through the memories of an older Myshkin as he relives his love and loss of his mother ....... his mother, the beautiful and free spirited gayatri, who was in search of herself.

Through the narrative we see Myshkin trying to understand why his mother made the choices she did......and even as told by Myshkin, if you choose to, you can hear her voice independent of his understanding, spaces he chooses to not see. Exquisite.

She also interweaves her characters with some well known names of the times, like Rabindranath Tagore, Begum Akthar, Walter Spies and Beryl de Zoete (the latter two I didn't know but read up about after). 

I was so taken in by her, that yest I bought all her books, she has four to her credit, and I'm so looking forward to an Anuradha Roy immersion. Did say crush didn't I :)