New Year Resolutions....A Fad? Not Cool?

The other day a friend asked me what my new year resolutions were. I initially ignored the question as I had none, and hadn't really thought about it. But she was persistent, and I was initially thinking, I’m in good space so I’ll be happy if I can continue to be where I am. But then, I guess it must have played on my mind. And I’m thinking, I’m the one who talks clarity and awareness and growth, and how it’s a continuing process,so let’s see if we can actually do a course check kind of thing. 

                                         

                                              

And I was glad, It gave me another opportunity to consciously step back and look at myself, and then you get to see what you’re doing well and what you can do better. And lo and behold, it brought in atleast two clear areas I wanted to work on, and three tbds (to be dones), and I was grateful. There’s always scope right? And it’s nice to bring it into focus. My suggestion….Try it…. Typically stay within three, and definitely don’t go beyond five.

If it helps, also be aware that the moment a want is articulated or even rearticulated, you’ll find the opportunities opening up. The rapidity with which they happen is unbelievable. Its about knowing and trusting the universe to show you that window, and then to you to take that opportunity. It’s again about sharpening your own radars to pick up those signs. Also, in itself an opportunity, the sharpening of your own antennae.

So thanks to you Amrutha, I’m on my way to achieving (at least trying to) stuff which was otherwise nebulous and may never have materialized. :)

Harish Hande - The Energy Behind SELCO

                                     

A SELCO story's been due and I wanted to write about the Light For Education Program, a really innovative and successful program, which enables electricity along with ensuring education; but decided instead to go with this article in Live Mint, Harish Hande - Here comes the Sun. It covers a little bit of the light for education program and also gives the story behind the company and more, the person behind the company. After all, it was listening to Harish as guest speaker at Google that inspired me to make this huge shift, and am I glad, it's been another life altering experience for me, so with a thanks... :)

Mindfulness Mitigates Biases You May Not Know You Have

If Thich Nhat Hanh speaks of mindful meditation as a means of being in the present moment at all times, as a way to stay full of love and compassion, and that’s from age old tradition, and yesterdays advertisement talks of the subtle biases that society holds, here’s a current research study by Nicole Torres published by the Harvard Business Review on December 24 ‘2014, which objectively brings out a specific positive impact of mindfulness.

                                

Researchers can’t seem to get enough of mindfulness. Studies have linked it to heightened creativity, improved concentration, lower stress, better working memory, and increased compassion. Now, new research also shows that it helps us overcome biases we’re not even aware we have.

The study, published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, suggests that mindfulness meditation can reduce implicit bias—and the negative behaviors that it causes.

There are competing definitions of what mindfulness means, but it boils down to paying attention to what’s happening around you at a given moment, instead of operating on autopilot. By concentrating on the present, you’re more likely to act thoughtfully, and therefore less likely to succumb to automatic evaluations based on previously established associations.

Older studies have connected mindfulness with reduced automatic processing and less prejudicial behavior, but researchers Adam Lueke and Bryan Gibson found that mindfulness can also lessen implicit bias. Implicit attitudes are based on automatic associations, and they influence behavior more than we realize. Even as we assert egalitarian values or condemn discrimination, automatic processing often colors how we evaluate and treat others.

Lueke and Gibson explain that a group who listened to a 10-minute mindfulness exercise exhibited less bias on the race and age implicit association tests (IATs) than those who didn’t—without even focusing on the biases themselves.

The 72 participants were white college students who didn’t know what was being studied beforehand. The test group listened to a recording that made them aware of their heart rate and breathing. It told them to accept these sensations and thoughts “without restriction, resistance, or judgment.” The control group listened to a 10-minute recording about history. Then both groups completed the race and age IATs, which captured response times in pairing positive or negative words with black or white faces and then with old or young faces.

The mindful group showed less implicit racial and age bias than did the control group, and this was, in part, due to a reduction in the automatic activation of negative associations (i.e., black-bad, old-bad). This confirmed older research that mindfulness makes one less reliant on previously established associations. But the researchers were surprised to also find that the mindful group was less able to see differences between the faces than the control group, which seems to suggest that when you’re less likely to automatically associate black and old with “bad,” race and age are also less detectable.

The ability to curb implicit bias and weaken negative associations by simply being more mindful could help prevent all kinds of negative effects. Previous research has shown how implicit out-group bias can make someone more likely to shoot at a black suspect in a simulation or become more aggressive in a video game.

Implicit attitudes even predict some negative behaviors in the workplace better than explicit attitudes. For example, they are more predictive of discriminatory hiring decisions, lack of trust in out-group members, and hostile body language toward stereotyped out-group members. As Lueke explained, “People high in implicit bias will tend to maintain distance, not make as much eye contact, fidget, remain terse in their responses, and generally give non-verbal cues that are indicative of discomfort.” And this happens even if they consciously want to communicate in a non-biased way.

So how do you become more mindful? As Lueke said, “We often have other things on our mind regardless of whether we are at work or not; our to do lists, that date we went on the night before, mulling over that crazy episode of ‘The Walking Dead’ we saw, wondering what we are going to have for dinner tonight.” Silencing and focusing these thoughts is a practice. But even if you’re busy, there are really basic steps you can take—anywhere, anytime—to make you more aware of the present.

Past experiences have a way of influencing our decisions and immediate reactions in ways we don’t fully understand and may not even realize. It’s important to acknowledge this and find ways of making ourselves less reliant on them.

Let's try and get that bit more mindful shall we, like use heightened awareness as a way of being....try and be in the moment to the extent possible. It's a process, but there's always that first step we can take :)

Brilliant Ad - A Man's a Boss, a Woman's Bossy

Simply loved the Ad.

Girls, its as true as its pretty.

Know this is what you are up against. But to know also, that it doesn't have to stop you. It's conditioning, it's perception, it's the other's opinion..... and the other's need.

It's not yours..... you have the power within you, so go get the world !!

Thanks Pantene, beautifully beautifully done.

Walk the Path

A cobbled rough path

or A cluttered and messy path

 or a beautiful scenic highway

A story:

In the city of Savatthi in Northern India, the Buddha had a large centre where people would come to meditate and to listen to his Dhamma talks. Every evening one young man used to come to hear his discourses. For years, he came to listen to the Buddha but never put any of the teaching into practice.

After a few years, one evening this man came a little early and found the Buddha alone. He approached him and said, ‘guruji, I have a question, that keeps coming up in my mind.”

'For many years now I have been coming to your meditation center and I've noticed that there are a large number of monks and nuns around you and a still larger number of lay people. Some of them, like me have been coming for years. Some of them, I can see have certainly reached the final stage; they are quite obviously fully liberated. I can also see that others have experienced some change in their lives; they seem better than they were before, although I cannot say if they are fully liberated. But guruji, I have also noticed a large number of people, including myself, are as they were, or sometimes even worse. They have not changed at all, or have not changed for the better.

Why should this be sir? People come to you, such a great man, fully enlightened, such a powerful, compassionate person. Why don’t you use your power and compassion to liberate them all?’

The Buddha smiled and said, ‘young man, where do you live? What is your native place?’

‘Sir, I live here in Savatthi, the capital city of the state of Kosala’

‘Yes, but your features show that you are not from this part of the country. Where are you from originally?’

Sir, I am from the city of Rajagaha, the capital of the state of Magadha. I came and settled in Savatthi a few years ago.’

‘And have you severed all connections with Rajagaha?’

‘ No sir, I still have relatives there. I have friends there, and I also have business there’

‘Then certainly you must go from Savatthi to Rajagaha quite often?’

‘Yes sir, many times a year I visit Rajagaha’

‘Having travelled and returned so many times on the path from here to Rajagah, certainly you must know the path very well?’

‘Oh yes, sir, I know it perfectly. I can almost say even blindfolded I could find the path to Rajagaha, so many times have I walked it’

‘And your friends, those who know you well, certainly they must know that you are from Rajagaha and have settled here? They must know that you often visit Rajagaha and that you know the path from here to Rajagaha perfectly?’

‘Oh yes sir, all those who are close to me know that I often go to Rajagaha and that I know the path perfectly’

'Then it must happen that some of them come to you and ask you to explain to them the path from here to Rajagaha. Do you hide anything or do you explain the path to them clearly?’

‘What is there to hide sir? I explain it to them as clearly as I can. You start walking towards the east and then head towards Benaras, and continue onward until you reach Gaya and then Rajagraha. I can explain it in detail sir.’

‘And these people to whom you give such clear explanations, do all of them reach Rajagraha?’

‘How can that be sir? Those who walk the entire path to its end, only they will reach Rajagraha’

‘That is what I want you to understand young man. People keep coming to me knowing this is someone who has walked the path from here to Nibbana and so knows it perfectly. They come to me and ask. ‘what is the path to nibbana, liberation’? And what is there to hide? I explain it to them clearly. If somebody just nods his head and says, well said, a very good path, but won’t take a step on it, wont take the trouble to walk it, how will such a person reach the goal?’

‘I do not carry anyone on my shoulders to the final goal. At most, with love and compassion one can say, ‘well, this is the path, and this is how I have walked on it. You also work, you also walk, and you will reach the final goal’. But each person has to walk himself, has to take every step on the path himself. He who has taken one step is one step nearer the goal. He who has taken a hundred steps, is a hundred steps nearer the goal. He who has taken all the steps on the path has reached the final goal. You have to walk on the path yourself.’

This is a story they told us at the Vipassana course, and it kind of came to mind because it applies not just in the spiritual path to Nirvana, but also in all other paths to becoming what we aspire to be, the traits or practices we want to change or acquire, what we want to become as people.... be it acceptance of self, getting rid of guilt, not starting with constraints, complimenting, positive social traits, moving out of self pity, feeling love and compassion, whichever. Each is a process.

You get the connect right? Each of these is like a mind set shift, sure it's about making that shift in the mind, but the practice has to happen in steps. And it is like walking that path, and not easy. We all aspire to the ones we want to and then walk our own distances. And then, there are always setbacks. Life and circumstance will keep throwing us those challenges, and that's when our own level of awareness, want, grit, what have you, actually help. When I find myself in difficult space, I'm asking myself.....What went wrong? Which one am I missing? What was the trigger? What could I have done differently? How do I say one thing and do another? Which was the weak link? And the want and awareness work to find your answers, to ensure you don't stumble, or even if you do, pick yourself up, dust off the dirt, heal yourself if needed, and you pick up the path again.

It's important to realize that it's a process, and we need to get rid of years and maybe generations of conditioning and it's not easy at all. But trust me, each step in the direction is worth the effort, as it's that much closer to a positive space. So...just to say...don't let it seem intimidating or abstract or unreachable, it's all in the mind and that's something fully in your own control.....so let's keep at it, shall we!!?? !!!

Thich Nhat Hanh, a Zen Master

                          

I was listening to a few talks today, of this Zen Master, Thich Nhat Hanh (pronounced Tic Naat Haan), a Buddhist Monk who was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King Jr. He talks of mindful meditation and being passionately present in the moment. With mindfulness and concentration, he says we can be happy by surrendering to suffering, understand the suffering and converting it to an energy of compassion. Under suffering he puts all the feelings of fear, anger, despair, pain and such. First compassion for oneself and then how the compassion can get extended to the external world.

He talks in the context of everything as in Inter-being, everything existing as part of the whole, the Buddhist version of Tat Tvam Asi. I am that. Interbeing points to the the absence of a separate self identity and thus to the interconnectedness, interdependence, and interpenetration of all beings, which realization enables a connect with life, with others, with all of creation. Again, talks of how it's necessary to love oneself, how if you cannot love and be nice to yourself, you cannot give love and compassion to another.

An interesting concept he talks about is also the interconnectedness and interdependence of suffering and happiness. He says there cannot be one without the other, and how happiness being sustained is a continuing process. He's like, you think Buddha didn't have headaches? or he didn't get rheumatism? He did....Happiness has a tendency to move into suffering.  But its about how large your heart can get, and how much compassion you can build into it. And that's the effort that enables you to hold it and spread it to wherever there is suffering.

Another thing that caught my attention was how compassion is an energy that is created and needs nourishment to grow and if one is caught in a situation that has a lot of energy drain, like a chronic illness or other difficulties, a collective energy nourishment and restoration is needed, like from the sangha or community, and that helps reconnect.

On a more practical plane, he speaks of 4 seemingly simple truths to resolve any issue, macro or micro, issues between countries, communities, war, terrorism or between individuals, relationships between father and son, boss and employee, husband and wife or best friends.

1. I am there for you

2. I know you are there for me

3. I know you suffer, and need help, I am there for you

4. I suffer, and I’m trying my best, I need help

This viewed in the context of interconnectedness and interdependence, takes on a whole different significance. And practiced, creates love that can start within and then grow, in a relationship and beyond, to embrace the whole world.

Positive works, even in Social Behaviour

This is an interesting experiment on how good social behavior is picked up without one even noticing it. The surprise there is that the generally held belief is that bad behavior gets picked up faster. Looks like it's not necessarily true. So to move to the next level, from compliments being the best positive reinforcement to high productivity, is how good behavior is a social script that's naturally picked up.

So let’s see how:

                                 

The experiment:

A group of graduate students were asked to cut into movie theater lines. The goal was to count how many people would typically say something to the line cutter. In the laid-back Mountain West where the experiment was conducted, no matter the gender, size, or demeanor of the line cutter, nobody spoke up. Better to stay mum, the subjects concluded, and avoid any potential conflicts.

Next, one student was asked to cut in front of—not a stranger—but a fellow student who was secretly placed in line. The student was instructed to become upset. “Hey, what do you think you're doing, quit cutting in line!” the student would brusquely say to the cutter, who would then go to the end of the queue. Next, we waited a minute and cut in front of the person standing behind the student who had just yelled out the line cutter. Would experimental subjects be informed and emboldened from the demonstration they had just witnessed, and now speak their minds?  

Observation: Not one person spoke harshly after watching someone else do the same.

For the third trial, they cut in front of a student who was instructed to be polite. The student was to smile and say, “Excuse me. Perhaps you’re unaware. We’ve been waiting in line for over fifteen minutes.” The cutter would then apologize and go to the end of the line.

They waited a minute, and then cut in front of the subject standing behind the positive role model and watched what took place and this was done in fifty different lines. Now for the big question; would onlookers learn and use their new and nice sounding line-cutting script?

The results were startling. Over 80% of people who observed the effective interaction, spoke up. In fact, they said the exact same words they heard modeled. They proved it. By using a positive role model, they taught strangers a social script that they immediately put into action. And this without them even knowing.

The implications of this research are obvious. Humans, despite the fact that they’re born without a scrap of useful knowledge, can observe, learn, and put into play, a whole host of skills, including social scripts. 

On a personal level.....this morning Diksha calls to say she had a really interesting conversation with the auto driver when she got off at Hyderabad. He apparently told her how many issues he had, that his father was in jail for murder, that it's pointless to fall in love and get married because he did that and now he's in love with another woman, and that he had three sons but he wished he had a daughter. Now I was amazed at how she had managed to exude that much personal conversation from an auto driver. Reading this experiment made me realize that she'd learnt by seeing. Learnt how to show concern and care to even random strangers. It totally validated it for me. I used to think she'd picked up so many negatives from me, but guess what I'm doing now....I'm shifting focus to the positives :)

And yet, most of us spend little time observing, learning, and teaching social scripts. We exert more effort learning French than studying human interaction. But this can change simply by watching people in tough social interactions, spotting what works and what doesn't, and then practicing the skills yourself. Eventually, you can teach the skills to others.

Don’t rely on chance. Take what you've learned through observing others, break it into component skills, and teach these social snippets to those around you. Teaching others social skills is one of the best gifts you can give them. Plus, if you get really good at handling high-stakes conversations, you no longer have to put up with line cutters.

And the best way of teaching? Make sure you live it and exhibit it to the extent possible. For all those you interact with on regular, occasional or even random basis, that will be their best way of learning. 

Gandhi said, 'be the change you want to see in the world'. This is what it is at a very fundamental level. Nice reiteration, huh?!!

The Power of Praise

                                  

That a compliment, praise, feels good, is universally true. In any situation, under any circumstance, children or grown up……be it in school, in the work place, in relationships, at random.. anywhere. Compliments make one feel good. Period. And feel good is always good. Also fact.

Yet, in all of these places, especially the more familiar, what we see way more than praise, is criticism, the get better statements. Think of the ratio at which you receive criticism or feedback or give criticism or feedback as against compliments. Sadly, the compliments are the fewer occasions, actually rare....and it’s rare because most people seem to have major issues giving compliments. It's like they think they will be smaller for it, the other person will let it go to their heads, they will be taken advantage of....god knows what, but bottom line is, that it's rare. Yet the very same people are ready with their feedback and their criticism.The positive and good is by passed, taken for granted, but you do one thing that's not satisfactory enough and you'll be sure to hear about it.

There's one underlying justification used.....that the criticism is for your own benefit, and they are telling you what you need for your own improvement. People are very generous in doling out that. While in reality, what works as best positive reinforcement is praise, not critique.

Let’s look at an obvious instance with children. How many times a day does a child hear criticism as compared to a compliment? Like when children are noisy, they’ll hear people telling them to quieten down, but if they’re playing quietly, do we ever compliment them on being quiet? No, we don’t even notice them then.

In school, or at home when it comes to marks, we’re forever telling them they can do better, even to a child who has gotten 80%, I’ve seen the remark ‘can do better’, in fact I’ve heard parents say this even of children who get 95%...'another two questions right and she would have got 98 you know'. That kind of thing.

And what’s worse, the criticism is pretty directed and focused, with details on how to do that better; whereas the praise, those occasional times it happens, is almost perfunctory. 

Think about you as recipient. Which works better for you? Let’s look at an instance again: let's say at work;  your manager is upset with you about something and says something negative, what does it do to your mood, morale and output? You're suddenly not in a mood for anything. Alternately, you get complimented on something; how does it impact your productivity for the rest of the day? Your manager picks out the good things you do and points them out on regular basis. Whats impact? No brainer, right?

Feel good is a direct correlation to higher productivity.

Even something as small and straightforward as,'you’re looking good today' gives such a deep down nice feeling. You don’t need to be looking like Aishwarya Rai, you can be just looking that shade better, but it’s still nice to hear. How often do we do it to our kids? The days they're looking nice(r) tell them they look nice. Try it and see, they might act like they are not paying attention,  but trust me, it makes the hugest difference to their morale. After all, we all make an effort to look our best don’t we?

                                        

Most people do a decent job at whatever they do, most of the time. Why do we need to be spectacular to get that compliment? How about even the little ones…….‘well drafted note’, ‘Í like how you brought out this point’, ‘nice touch there’ 'your hair's falling well today'  'that's a nice thing to say' 'pretty ear rings'......nothing fake about this……you’re basically picking out the positives, complimenting something nice ( not saying don't point out the negative, sure you can give feedback, just saying also do as much, if not more, positives)

It’s a mind set shift again. Our radar seems so tuned into picking up the negatives and pointing them out; Alongside that, lets start noticing the positives, and more than just noticing them, saying it out to people. It can be at home, at work, or even to people you randomly come across. Like in a cab, we will so readily tell them if they make a mistake. When there’s none, how about letting him know you enjoyed the drive as he drove good.  See the smile this will bring to his heart! And to yours in the bargain.

At times a compliment can make someones entire day 

Let's make giving out those compliments a part of life, a habit...there's lots of good out there.....make people feel good about themselves.....it's niceness all around!!

My Non Known Facts

On demand......here's a list of ten of mine :)

1. Bungee jumped off the Kawarau Bridge in New Zealand, inspite of the medic there saying it’s a risk after 2 ceasarians
2. Strolled into a Tattoo place following three friends, just out of curiosity, and came out the only one with a large tattoo…..(and a bleeding arm and a song in the heart)
3. Bought and owned two Buffaloes, called them Seetha and Geetha, they were so cute.... and knew them well enough to recognize and talk to them
4. Hid under a bed for a full two hours because I was at a friends when I shouldn’t have been, and the father unexpectedly walked in……and the friend freaked out, so......my most whacky two hours, cos I’m paranoid about lizards and somewhere in between I needed to sneeze cos of all the dust. 
5. Shaved my head over a bet; No, not because I lost the bet, but because a friend said girls can’t look beautiful bald and can't carry off bald. I was that nuts once :) 
6. Was on TV the day color television launched in India ( 1982 Asiad – Small little bit..... Participated in the opening ceremony of the Asiad through a Banjara Dance troupe, and it was exciting as it was two months of living in tents outside Delhi) 
7. Drove a tractor, and went through this horrible fear when I realized I couldn't stop it, and the damn thing was so powerful it could go over just about anything
8. Being duck out on my big cricket match, most embarrassing moment cause it was at vpg and we had this big crowd cheering
9. Drove with 4 Geese in the back seat of the car all the way from Charminar to JNIDB,  because when I asked why they had only one goose in jnidb, they said no one was ready to bring more
10. Being invited to High Tea with the then Prime Minister, Rajiv Gandhi and an all expenses paid trip to Delhi for the grand event ( this was a Government initiative to get all the central university gold medalists in the country together at one time)......yeah, sometimes applied it right too .......... :)

Gosh, I sure as hell feel you now know so much more about me. See what I mean by awareness and insight ? Make this worthwhile for me, do it for yourselves at least, though of course I'd love for you to share too.

Non Known Facts

                                  

In Google there was this ritual when a new person joined the team; they would be asked to tell the team three non known facts about themselves, non known as in, fun (interesting) facts. And when there was time to spare, each existing team member would also tell one more non known fact about themselves. One fun fact that the rest of the team didn't already know.

While at that point it just seemed like any other ice breaker ritual, I now feel it's a ritual with a lot more depth, one that gives you a direct insight into the person, at one shot. 

I found that needing to come up with interesting facts about oneself made people actually think...... think about themselves………. a quick flashback into life.....what in my life was most interesting? what did I do that was beyond the norm? what's interesting enough to be narrated? which one do I want to share? do I have an interesting life at all?   It’s almost like getting a go at figuring out something about yourself . And then the other's get to know that pocket of information. It works like a peek into the soul of the person. 

I tried this exercise with  'Risk'. This with an existing team which already worked closely together. What are the three biggest risks you've taken in life? You'd think we would have our answers off the top of the mind. But no, again a lot of thought goes into the answer and you’ll find that people are willing to share deep stuff, be it experiences at work, or even from a personal level. Why? Because, having taken that risk and experienced the success or failure has been an experience that’s grown them and they are comfortable enough with, to share....there's a higher level of self acceptance. It’s typically a huge confidence booster and when you share it, your confidence quotient is upped, others respect your ability to reveal those aspects of you, be it a success or a failure ( the failure typically comes with the lesson learnt). This because we all know that what stops us taking those risks is fear, and if there's someone who's overcome that fear and done it, it deserves an acknowledgement. An overall interesting exercise again.

It’s like knowing ones risk quotient.

And in a company like Google, a high risk quotient is a big plus, highly encouraged. Strong belief that unless you have the ability to take those risks, you don’t push the boundaries. High risk high gain is not just in the money world, it works everywhere.

These are ways and means which really work well for team bonding, but I think they work brilliantly even as self awareness exercises. Good clarity and potential personal growth for those who care to do it. Think about it.  If you were asked to tell three fun facts about yourself, what would they be? Do it, you’ll see what I mean by saying it’ll make you think. The quick flashback into life. It'll also give you a yardstick for how interesting or fun, a life you've led. Make it ten, and you’ll know that much more about yourself. :)

It'll give you your fun quotient. Have fun with it !!!

Beauty in your Backyard....

I did a walk in Lal Bagh  yesterday after a long while, and that evening walk made me see, yet again, the beauty in our backyard......and yes, the connect within, the sync with the subconscious mind. Something we so easily move away from in everyday life..into the life of detail. 

Connecting to nature, is to all over again connect to life, connect to the within. The walk was with a friend, and the talking during the walk was on Vipassana...... the what and why of it. And it took me that connect to nature, to communicate what I couldn't with words. Nature is to be experienced not spoken about. So also with Vipassana, it then sufficed to say........its an experiential learning. 

And when you're at turning points in life....it's best time to sync with yourself, re-evaluate, re-energize, and re-align. Vipassana enables that at a brilliant level, as it's all about that connect with the deeper you, the journey within. We know today that our thought process works in small part from the conscious mind and majorly from the subconscious mind, and further that the conscious mind is so dominated by the 'latest and the loudest', the din of life, that we don't really get to touch base with the subconscious. So if you want to be able to shut off that din and have a prolonged sync with the subconscious, know yourself that much better, Vipassana is a great tool.  

Even on the practical scale, it'll break through all those mind sets which tell you ....'you can't'. I can't do with twelve hours of sitting on the floor, I can't do with so little food, I can't sleep on a stone bench, I can't not write, I can't not read. All constraints of the mind. They break and disappear. 

And the perspective change to life it enables, empowers you to take on....well, almost anything. So if you think you want it, don't wait to be ready....just go do it !!

Guilt and Shame - the most useless of emotions

                                 
Sadly, while guilt and shame are said to be the most useless of emotions, they are also the most pervasive. It’s pretty amazing how unknowingly and unwittingly we allow others judgment of us to affect our idea of ourselves, and the huge impact it has on our self worth. It happens all the time and in such minuscule doses, that it’s eventually about an accumulation on scale.

Guilt is an attachment to judgment, to what others think of us. And we seem to so easily give away the power of judgment to others, like just any others, be it at home, family, friends, work place, anywhere. Our dependence on external judgment, the real and the perceived, rather than making us more accountable and responsible for our thoughts, feelings and actions, actually works as an obstacle to being  ourselves. To the extent, that even our judgment of ourselves is not good enough. 

The nice thing……Ridding oneself of guilt is as simple as turning off a switch......... really !

But then the flip side, absorbing or creating guilt and accumulating it, is as sponge to water. It’s crazy how quickly guilt can kick in at the smallest and most meaningless of places. And then a close follow on is shame at the cause of the action that’s spurred guilt. These are part of our social development and the building blocks on which we grow. So it’s no surprise that we seem to become pros at it as we grow.

Look at this very commonly occurring instance: There's seven year old Priya, a normal sweet quiet child, and wherever Priya meets with people, she is hearing her parents say, 'Priya, say Hi, Tell them which class you are in, which school you go to'... and the usual stupid innane things to peoples typical questions.' She won't talk, she doesn't feel the need you see, she still has he ability to be herself. But then she hears, 'Bad girl.....she's just very shy you know'. What is the impact of this instance being repeatedly played out through her growing years? For a child, unfortunately, the belief is that the parents are right, and there's something she is doing wrong. So there is guilt and there is shame. I am not doing what they want and they all think my behavior is not per expectation. Building blocks. All of us grow up with it, and sadly we would also perpetrate it if we are not watchful.

So it is really not surprising that as adults too we are ever so ready to go into that space at the flimsiest of reasons, the smallest of criticism. Even a casual negative remark, and within minutes, this feeling that I'm not good enough. What would it take to stand back and say, that's their opinion, not mine. Or, I tried my best, so why am I feeling bad? But no, we're too used to feeling bad first. So we easily slip in there.

(Is there an upside? Maybe yes, in that one instance of guilt where you've acted against your own guidelines, and you need guilt to make you aware. Then by all means learn from it. Take the lesson, learn from it, and then drop it. And don’t forget to dump the guilt when you learn.)

Let's look at this other situation which so typically plays out in so many homes. You finish a very long and exhausting day at work. Your excessive guilt kicks in and you spend your entire commute home anticipating your partner is annoyed. By the time you get home you feel stressed, defensive, and resentful, and you greet your partner stiffly. They react to your strained greeting with a strained response of their own, which confirms your suspicions that they’re annoyed which only makes you feel more guilty and resentful. The fact that your over-active guilt made you act in a way that created a self-fulfilling prophecy is likely to elude you entirely.

Now on the other hand, you do have a partner who actually gets mad or sulks when you’re back late. There is the anger and resentment, and then what?  The anger and resentment, however unjustified, will create guilt. Do I deserve it? No, but guilt has nothing to do with whether you deserve it or not, it's just there, because the power of judgement has been handed over to the other. 

Then there’s the more sensitive but menacing territory; expectations. There's this huge edifice of expectations which don't necessarily match. So there's conflict at each stage. And when the expectation gets disguised in societal conditioning and justifications, the resultant effort to resist is converted into even larger guilt. You get the flow, right?

A lot of that guilt is actually consciously perpetuated, almost at a level of manipulation, used as a tool to advance ones own purpose, at an individual level and societal level too. Without your realizing it, you are under total control of the perpetrator. And it comes so well disguised that you find justification in the manipulation, and you think they are right, and you are wrong.

Guilt is self sabotaging and causes immense unnecessary suffering. Imagine how easy and happy it would be to just live life on your own terms and doing what you think is right.

Way out? There's no complex process or change needed. It's just about becoming aware. I know. I know myself , I know what I do, I know why I do it, I know what I intended.  I can be my own judge, thank you. Your opinion is yours, to me, mine matters !!!

It's just a switch in mind set. Test out that switch, it’s pretty smoothly operable !

What our Skies Look like without City Lights

I sure miss the night skies of our growing up days in Hyderabad. I remember nights sitting on the terrace and the excitement when we could actually catch the milky way on a clear night, it's an unparalleled feeling. And the shooting stars you could spot ever so often, and the wonder at how they dissipate before they hit earth.  So mysterious and awe inspiring an experience, just sitting there and gazing up into a sky full of stars. It's almost like a time gone by now. The only time one can catch a glimpse now is if you can get an empty highway stretch at night and you switch off your headlights, and that's dicey obviously, but it's still so worth it :)

So this article by John Guida and photographs by Thierry Cohen, a French photographer, really caught my attention.

In his series “Darkened Cities,” he seeks to recover a little of the wonder of darkness through transporting photographs.

Each of these images consists of actual photos — plural — one for the city silhouette, the other for the wondrous sky. For the first, he shoots a city in“day for night” fashion, that is, by the preferably low light of a day for a view that looks like nighttime. For the next, he trots off to a faraway place on the globe with the same latitude, “mostly in deserts,” he said.

The series shows that “you have the same sky in two different geographical, economic spaces,” he said. “They are a link, a bridge.”

He says, “I am merging two different realities to create a third one that has become invisible.”

                                 New York 40° 44’ 39’’ N 2010-10-13 lst 0:04

Today, the Milky Way is indecipherable by the naked eye to two-thirds of Americans and about 90 percent of the world’s population. Many people consider this a profound loss — for our health and for our humanity.

“I address in particular the city dweller who forgets and no longer understands nature, To show him stars is to help him dream again.”says Cohen

He imagines some of the world’s largest cities — New York, San Francisco, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Sao Paulo, Tokyo and Rio de Janeiro, among others — with all the lights turned out, mere silhouettes against sparkling night skies.

São Paulo 23° 33’ 22’ S 2011-06-05 lst 11:44

For the Sao Paulo photo, for example, he went to the Atacama Desert of South America to capture the night sky. The desert “is one of the driest places on earth, with the most exceptional night sky I have ever seen,” Mr. Cohen said. He made his way to the Yungay area, “the only lifeless ground on earth,” with “no rain in decades, just a few drops every 20 years.”

“I traveled there twice, in January 2010 during the preparation of the project, then more than a year after, in June 2011,” he explained. “My footprints were still remaining, like if I had left the day before.”

To capture New York City stars, he went to the Black Rock Desert, in Nevada 

For the final image, he uses digital post production “to bring back these skies into the city, to give overwhelming metaphorical and actual life to the sky light that we are letting disappear due to our increasingly urban way of life.”

Tokyo 35° 41’ 36’’ N 2011-11-16 1st 23:16

Mr. Cohen’s dreamy tableaus are not meant to be post-apocalyptic images, such as you might see in some recent movies (“Interstellar,” for example). Instead, he hopes that they encourage “a first approach to a scientific questioning, a starting point for human thought. If children do not see the night sky, they will lack an experience that is fundamental for humankind.”

Los Angeles 34° 06’ 58’’ N 2012-06-15 lst 14:52

Paul Bogard said: “When you have that firsthand, it can make you feel small, but it can make you grateful for what we have here, too. You realize the beauty we have on Earth is tremendous, and there’s no other place to go. The night sky makes this clear.”

Mr. Cohen echoed those sentiments: “In the last half a century, a large percentage of the inhabitants of our planet have ceased to be able to contemplate the beauty of the Milky Way. Almost the totality of its stars has become invisible in our skies.”

Paris 48° 50’ 55’’ N 2012-08-13 lst 22:15

New York 40° 42’ 16’’ N 2010-10-09 lst 3:40

Yet above all, Mr. Cohen sees his photographs in a philosophical light: “When a child discovers the stars, he begins to question,” he said. “What is it, who are we, where are we, and so on.

Decision Fatigue

This is from an interesting article by Nicholas Bakalar in the NY times:

The phenomenon of “decision fatigue” has been found in judges, who are more likely to deny parole at the end of the day than at the beginning. Now researchers have found a parallel effect in physicians: As the day wears on, doctors become increasingly more likely to prescribe antibiotics even when they are not indicated.

For the study, published in JAMA Internal Medicine, scientists analyzed diagnoses of acute respiratory infections in 21,867 cases over 18 months in primary care practices in and near Boston.

In two-thirds of the cases, antibiotics were prescribed even though they were not indicated. But whether they were indicated or not, the number of prescriptions increased with time. Over all, compared to the first hour, the probability of a prescription for antibiotics increased by 1 percent in the second hour, 14 percent in the third hour and 26 percent in the fourth.

“The radical notion here is that doctors are people too,” said the lead author, Dr. Jeffrey A. Linder, an associate physician at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, “and we may be fatigued and make worse decisions toward the end of our clinic sessions.”

But, he added, the patient can help. “If you want the best care, you should say that you are there to be evaluated, and only want an antibiotic if it’s really needed.”

Now decision fatigue is something I'm sure is not restricted to judges or doctors. Like said by the doctor here, doctors are people too. It's just that the impact from judges and doctors is more critical and clearly measurable. It's good for us to remember this, not only when we need to go see doctors end of the day, but also when we take decisions ourselves at the end of a long day, right?

Calvin and Hobbes

Calvin and Hobbes is just so hilarious, profound, and esoteric at the same time....brilliant stuff. Firstly Hobbes ,I love the whole concept of this friend being a figment of imagination.  It's really nice to have that objective communication between the alter ego and ego enabling a high level of clarity and self awareness. Thanks Bill Watterson; you sure have brought in a lot of lessons and laughs.

The other day I came across some:

Deep and cute, no?

'Autobiography of a Yogi' and 'Interstellar'

                                

Autobiography of a Yogi by Swami Paramahamsa Yogananda, written way back in 1920s, and then Interstellar now; what can be the connect?

They are two works of genius, not like only in terms of creative genius, not comparable at the basic level, but in being able to push the boundaries of thought into what can be, or what is. Enable a seeing.

Two days back Dhruva and I went to watch Interstellar, both for the second time, and I wouldn’t be too wrong in saying, we yet again, came out enriched for the experience. Of course one was the imax experience itself. If you haven’t watched it in imax, it’s worth a second watch, for instance, the water expanse and waves from the first potential planet of Miller if you can recall, that was an unmatched experience.

Anyways, to move on to the connect.

Paramahamsa Yogananda is a true yogi, an evolved soul who through his life knew he had a higher calling. He writes of his experiences, which read like fantasy , miracles, a reality of a seemingly different dimension. There is the esoteric and sublime philosophy, but with a difference; While it does have a high level of spirituality, and a lot of apparently miraculous occurrences, he folds in to it a natural process of physics and evolution. He writes:

'Among the trillion mysteries of the cosmos, the most phenomenal is light. Unlike sound waves, whose transmission requires air or other material media, light waves pass freely through the vacuum of interstellar space.Even the hypothetical ether, held as the interplanetary medium of light in the undulatory theory can be discarded on the Einsteinian grounds that the geometrical properties of space render the theory of ether unnecessary. And not abstractly eternal as hitherto considered, time and space are relative and finite factors, deriving their measurement validity only in reference to the yardstick of light velocity. In joining space as a dimensional relativity, time has surrendered age old claims to a changeless value. Time is now stripped to its rightful nature-a simple essence of ambiguity. 

Light velocity is a mathematical standard or constant not because there is an absolute value in 186,000 miles per second, but because there is no material body, whose mass increases with its velocity, can ever attain the velocity of light. Stated another way, only a material body whose mass is infinite could equal the speed of light.

This conception brings us to the law of miracles.

The masters who are able to materialize and dematerialize their bodies or any other object, and to move with the velocity of light, and to utilize the creative light rays in bringing into instant visibility any physical manifestation, have fulfilled the necessary condition of: their mass is infinite. The consciousness of a perfect yogi is effortlessly identified, not with the narrow body but with the universal structure. Gravitation, whether the ‘force’ of Newton or the Einsteinian ‘manifestation of inertia’ is powerless to compel a master to exhibit the property of ‘weight’ which is the distinguishing gravitational condition of all material objects. He who knows himself as the omnipresent spirit is subject no longer to the rigidities of the body in time and space. Their imprisoning ‘rings-pass-not’ have yielded to the solvent Í am that’ .....'Tat Tvam Asi’. '

In another instance he says: Intuition is soul guidance in man during those instances when his mind is calm. Nearly everyone has had the experience of an inexplicably correct hunch or has transferred his thoughts effectively to another person.

The human mind, free from the static of restlessness, can perform through its antennae of intuition all the functions of a complicated radio mechanism, sending and receiving thoughts, and tuning out the undesirable ones. As the power of the radio depends on the amount of electrical current it can utilize, so the human radio is energized according to the power of will possessed by each individual. 

Charles Robert Richet, Nobel prizeman in physiology said ‘Very strange, very wonderful, seemingly very improbable phenomena may yet appear which, when once established, will not astonish us more than we are now astonished at all that science has taught us during the last century . It is not about understanding as much as about what becomes familiar. ‘

And that’s what books like 'The Autobiography of a Yogi' and movies like 'Interstellar' do. They enable the astonishing to become familiar, they enable a move, a step closer to the seeing.  Both, in their own ways enable that change in 'seeing', from telepathy, teleportation, worm holes, black holes, actualization of will, energy as a force of human will,  a blurring of lines between mind and matter, an opening up of possibilities....... and that’s where the connect between the two, where spirituality and science fiction talk a common language, and point in the same direction. Fascinating stuff !!

Self Pity - The Hugest of Drags

                                  

Every once in a while, you’ll find something dragging you down to this space of Self Pity. In fact whenever you are in low space, feeling sad......... try to understand the situation by breaking it up into little parts......it helps become aware of what it is that's actually getting to you. You'll quickly find the source, and then once you identify and parse through the triggers, and then the impact, at the bottom, what you’re typically left with is this feeling of being sorry for yourself. 

Remember ‘Í am responsible for my actions but not for your reaction’. That’s easily understood when the action is ours, and we’re expecting the other person to take responsibility for their reactions. But when it’s the other way round, we’re a little more stuck. Obviously more difficult. We tend to forget that we are also fully responsible for our reactions. Don't blame the triggers. We have a choice in our reaction.

And that’s where we can really help ourselves. So what about this situation is making me sorry? Do I want to do something about it? If yes, then it’s good space. There’s a goal and there’s a way. It means you can, and could actually do something to get yourself out of there. But most often, there’s nothing we can actually do. We are reacting to existing situations and some trigger somewhere that has set off a negative reaction. A reaction which has dragged us down, bottom of which is self pity.

Self pity, and the consequence of feeling the victim.  And what’s worse is that this space of self pity is a comfortable one. Not a happy one, but a comfortable one. So it can get habit forming. So much so, it can in fact become second nature. What's typically called the victim mentality.

"Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality" John Gardener

And that’s the danger, right? The short term pleasure it gives, which if we don’t recognize, we could become addicted to and pretty easily adapt as a way of life.

When you are in that victim space, what happens:

• ·You're thinking......' I am right and someone else is wrong'; and that’s a pleasurable feeling
• ·You get attention from friends because you are sad, and that makes you feel validated, but that doesn't last; people get tired of sad people
• ·When you are convinced you are sad and right, you don’t need to act, and you don’t need to take risks; again a comfortable space
• ·You feel protected there as it insulates your from dangers from outside; it’s a bad comfort zone 
•  You think·'I am sad, so I don’t care if others are sad or not'; think...who'd want to be around such people?
• ·It’s the strongest form of self flagellation; It's mt fate, I deserve only this much
• ·And bottom line, you don’t have to take responsibility anymore...you're just fine being sad. After all, taking responsibility for your own life is hard work, it means tough decisions and the courage to withstand consequences. But you're giving up, you're losing energy. It's such a big energy sapper.

Can you think of what it means in the long term? 

Will it let you live the life you wanted to? Do we get another go to do those things we wanted to? What about your relationship with other people? Are you a positive influence on those around you? What about your relationship with yourself?

                                         
                                   
So what do we do?

First big step as always....... the awareness itself. Recognize and articulate the situation. When you become aware, make the effort to shake yourself out of it. Find what works for you to get yourself out of it.

In the short term these help: Talking to a friend, just sitting down and crying it out, diverting your attention by doing something positive. These work for single instances.

But for sustained situations you’ll need something deeper. A more intrinsic change of attitude.

• · Gratitude: Be grateful for what you do have
• · Ask yourself what you might have learnt from the situation. Often times, once the lesson is learnt, you’ll wonder how it took you so long to see it
• ·Give value to someone else, there’s nothing nicer and more empowering than to actually being able to help another
• ·Forgive: Until you don’t forgive, that person still has control over you. Forgive, not to condone a wrong act, but to let yourself free of that hold. There’s a quote that says this best: “When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

Release yourself from the victim space, and you’ll live a life that's more fulfilled and joyful. Maybe tough at times, but trust me hard work and tough can be a huge joy, as against sad and self pity.  If you don’t help yourself, there’s nobody else who will or even can. Try it ...Life's worth it !!