It's not what you're saying..........It's what I'm hearing

I came across two clear instances today of where there is immense hurt caused, not out of intention to hurt but out of sheer lack of awareness……not even knowing that the result of your action was hurting the other

Situations of hurt happen all the time, unfortunately true, and they mostly come out of a space of self righteousness, anger, insensitivity on one side and lack, insecurity, ignorance on the other, right? And those are complex and tough. Deep problems……. needing deeper solutions. So let’s leave those out for now :)

But let’s look at the low hanging fruit.

The one where …..if we knew our action was causing hurt, we would be happy to not do it

Like for instance this person who said she hurt each time her mother told her that she needed to lose weight. We know the mother had only the daughters best interest in mind, the girl knows what her mom is saying is true, but she still hurts. Can that hurt be avoided? For sure

Another one…. Say when we playfully tease people on their taste in books or programs. You think you’re being funny, but I’ve seen a person break down and cry saying, why can’t you just accept that I like it? Little did one even know the comments had been hurting.  Could that have been avoided? Again, Yes, easily avoidable.

So how does that happen? And how can we avoid it happening?

It happens out of a disconnect in expectations. I expect it to be understood like this, but its understood otherwise.

Solution?

Communication. When you trust the other person cares, let the person know …..….and if it’s you…… and you’re told, listen.

The issue can be resolved by change happening on either side. And it will if there’s intent and clarity. 

I’m not saying take responsibility for the other persons reaction. No, I equally strongly vouch for being responsible for ‘my own actions and not for your reaction’. Having said which, I still think my communication is my responsibility. If my communication is being wrongly interpreted, especially to cause hurt, can I take responsibility to take that extra step to clarify intention.

Look around, become a little more aware, and you’ll see lots of those. Communication goes a long way in avoiding hurt….…….try it, it’s worth it.