Labeling Emotions - A Deep Dive

'The ability to recognize and label feelings is a core component of emotional mindfulness.'

We've spoken about Living in Mindfulness. Even the Cherokee tale of yesterday is essentially that, right....be mindful of which wolf you're feeding. 

So let's go a little deeper, like a 101 on mindfulness, and maybe this will be the sequel to the emotional intelligence post, which to some sounded like just a teaser :)

                                        

Apparently, it is difficult to properly identify and label the myriad emotions we experience on a regular basis and there is growing evidence that as a culture we are largely emotionally illiterate (Gratz & Roemer, 2004). To draw an analogy, we are constantly taking black and white photographs of the very colorful scenes of our lives.

Simply put, this is to say that, one, there are multiple emotions which we need to be able to recognize and understand, in order to be able to better navigate. That said, it's not an endless list and with a little effort, you'll get pretty good at it. What's to watch out for is when they come nuanced or disguised, as it's not uncommon to simultaneously experience multiple emotions, sometimes even conflicting emotions.  Then other times, feelings may seem to switch rapidly between one and another. But once you start to label, you'll find it getting easier by the day. It's just like in any other sphere; practice makes perfect.

Now, why do we need to label? Can't we just let it pass. You know it will go away, so we typically either push it away, or distract ourselves.  Well.......you can be sure that what's pushed under the carpet is accumulating as baggage.

Instead of trying to push an emotion away, the idea is to draw it closer by feeling it, identifying it, and putting a label on it. Recognizing and naming an emotion can have a powerful effect on quelling it and enabling acceptance.

Psych professor Matthew Lieberman, calls it “affect labeling.” You can use affect labeling to help yourself and others. Using brain imaging, Lieberman and colleagues noticed that when asked to label a strong emotion, research subjects showed less activity in the amygdala and greater activity in a region of the brain associated with vigilance and discrimination.

The less aware we are of our emotions, the less likely we are to figure out how to best regulate them. (Vine & Aldao, 2014).

If you want to control your emotions better during difficult conversations, do something counter-intuitive: Give up trying not to feel them. Instead, put a label on them.

For the sceptics.....does it take away spontaneity? No, mindfulness helps handle the negative emotions and thereby build healthier relationships....no ones saying fiddle with the positive ones. Let those flow and be as joyful as they can be. 

As a practice, emotional intelligence enables more empowering relationships.

An Old Cherokee Tale

One evening, an elderly cherokee told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside people:

He said 'My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is evil: it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins'

The old cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed"

It came up because Diksha wants to get a tattoo depicting this, and while I wasn't too sure about the tattoo, the story is surely nice; one of those simple and forever truths.

Toxic People

A few years back someone very close to me had been to see a counselor,  and one thing which the counselor said kind of struck home, just by virtue of it's honesty and simplicity.

There are Toxic people, whether you like it or not. There are people who give negative energy and when we are not strong enough, that negative energy affects us. To the extent possible, be aware and stay away she had said.

She asked Jay ( I know no one called Jay, plain decoy :), to sort emotions into a positive and negative frame, and then asked what influences each. And it figured that most negative moods and emotions that drag you down are caused by other people.

The doc said, the first step is to recognize people who are a positive influence and those that are negative. She said, people will come in all forms, it's about how much you will not let it influence you negatively. Now, while we can shield ourselves internally from this, it takes a lot of energy.

She said the first and simplest thing to do is to try and stay away from the negative, to the extent possible. She added saying, you can, of course, do this fairly easily for those people with who you have a choice, but if it is your teachers or colleagues or family, there you can only minimize influence. But where there is a choice, and where you can exercise a choice, do.

We then did this exercise of who are those toxic people; it started with downright negative people and then became a fun exercise of what kind we still wouldn't want to hang around with, and that list looked like this:

Negative people: the ones who are always critical, always cribbing. Most comments from them have a negative tang. They will see only the problems and never talk of solutions. Sure they might agree with things you say which are positive, but pro actively do they add positivity?

This can also be people who won't say much, but their very demeanor is negative.and a drag.

Passive Aggressive People: They easily pass for normal because the negativity is very passive, and it can easily slide under the radar. These people usually won’t be outrightly harmful, all that they do will go disguised as real normal..... and you won't even know it's impact, sometimes until years..... they just erode your very soul over time. 

Victims: People who will always blame circumstance or others for what happens to them. They will never take responsibility for their own lives, and if you're in their close circle, there's high chance you will be made responsible for everything bad that happens to them. I once heard a cab mate tell her friend 'my mom seems to blame me for everything that happens in the house, or to her, in fact if she could I think she'll even blame the Iraq war on me (and she was crying, so it was an appeal and not a joke ) 

Manipulative : These are people who will so subtly manipulate you that you won't even know it; over a period you'll find yourself doing things you don't like to do, you might even resent doing it, but do it you will.  They'll typically play the guilt card,  and you will feel you owe it to them, worse still, that you are the nicer or the stronger and so you are doing it. Sneaky stuff.

Boring People: Just plain boring, where the conversation can't hold your interest for long

Unintelligent: To me they quickly fall into the boring bucket. You spend some time with them and you're waiting for the meet time to be done with.

Indecisive people: They will never take a decision, they might even manipulate you into taking the decision and if the decision goes wrong, you can bet you'll hear of it, and maybe over and over.

Was an interesting exercise. And I think it not just helped Jay, but it helped me understand better too....always stuff to learn, remember??

Now these are all qualities. No one might be any of this, all the time. Nor does it mean we may not have one or more of these qualities to some extent ourselves, or behave such at some points. 

It's just about which of these are the predominant qualities, what do equations with such people  do to you over time. Not to judge, not to get upset........no, let them be what they are......but to know... just to be able to better handle yourself.....for your own better being.

A  mistake a lot of us make is to believe that we can change people, the oldest, stupidest and costliest of mistakes I think.  Instead focus on what you can do, accept or change ( not them. you, or your situation)

Don't shy away from labeling. You need to be able to label, to be able to handle.

I Didn't Do Anything

Another one from Seth:

'I didn't do anything"

That's the first and best defense every toddler learns. If you don't do anything, you don't get in trouble.

Somewhere along the way, it flips. "I didn't do anything when I had the chance," becomes a regret. The lost opportunity, the hand not extended, the skill not learned...

Wouldn't it be great if we knew what our regrets were when we still had time to do something about them?

Air Pressure in Tyres

Yesterday I had to get diesel for the car, and I also got the air pressure checked. I guess I was doing the air filling thingy after a long gap, so when I drove out of the bunk, I felt the distinct difference....like the road was cushioned or something, real nice drive, so real nice feeling.

                                

What came to mind is our driver, Prabhakar ji, in Bihar. The six days of the trip he must have filled in air atleast seven times, and I'd be surprised each time, as I do it once or twice a month. It seemed like too many times, or maybe it comes from the pathetically bad roads plus the extensive driving we were doing.  And each time we'd drive out of the gas station he'd be......wah, kya baath hai, kitna acha lag raha hai, naya jaisa.......madam, batao, hai ki nahi? 

It somehow struck me today that he might have been doing something right. He didn't wait for the pressure to go down. He kept it in good place and also acknowledged and appreciated the good place and feel. (he was forever in high spirits, though he had horrible road rage....maybe too much air pressure, you think? ) 

Anyways, there's apparently this theory which talks of how closely connected we are to some of our gadgets and tools; phones, laptops, (or maybe cars ), and how they reflect us..... like our state of mind, our energy levels. For instance, if your phone or laptop is constantly running out of charge, it could be a sign . 

And I can vouch for a level of veracity in this. I have a friend whose phone and laptop are forever running out of charge, at times in the middle of critical presentations and meetings. And you could easily draw a parallel to her own outlook.

Think about it. It could be your car, your phone, your house, and of course you too; look for those signs, it might help you understand yourself better.

It's actually making me wonder; when I was all set for my big road trip, I'm chatting with a friend and he asks 'did you check your tyres?' and I thought he meant air pressure, and I'm like yes. Then he's like, no, I mean the threading, and I had no clue how to read that. So first thing next morning I visit a tyre shop, and what do I find? That the alignment was totally off, tyres were real bad and I had to actually change all the tyres for new.

I didn't ask then, I'm thinking now......do I need some realignment in life....I wonder ??

Yeah, I'm in a full on reading the signs mode :)

How Much Do We Really See

It's been three weeks since my asthma thingy, and the heavy life saving medication that got me out of the spot.

Now, if the steroids saved my life, they also did a few other things ......... one among which was to give me a moon face, as it's called.

Now, the funny thing is that I didn't know. It took a visit to my cousins place and for him to tell me. That's a bit of a surprise. After all, I must look at my face in the mirror atleast a few times each day, and of course I care, and yet I missed it.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not cribbing.....I'm grateful to the steroids and all that, after all they saved my life. But what I want to bring out here is that, that is all I knew. What about the other stuff . ( Just noting the positive stuff is not necessarily a positive trait ).

If a visually visible impact can be missed so easily, what of those we can't see. We don't seem to see even what we can see ( yes, easier to do betty butcher bought some butter but the butter was bitter.....:).

What happens to the stuff that's impacting you within....  and especially if it's turning you into something you are intrinsically not.

It reminds me of the frog in the boiling water story. For those who might not have read:

                                       

If you put a frog into a kettle of boiling water, it will immediately leap out.

On the other hand, if you put a frog into a kettle of cold water and gradually heat the water, it just stays. It stays in even as the water gets hot...... even as the water gets very hot..... even when it starts to boil...... until is even dies. 

Its used as an illustration to show how survival instincts are geared to detect sudden changes, but the same risk fed gradually is not detected. 

This is a sure wake up call for me. Especially when I thought I was fairly aware....shows me there's a long way to go, and somewhere maybe that we have a tendency to get complacent. Well, if we don't want to, then let's be more aware.....let's learn to read those signs....stay tuned to the temperature of the water :)

The Cider House Rules

The Cider House Rules is a powerful movie set in the backdrop of world war II. A movie with seriousness and depth, with brilliant visuals, amazing performances and a wonderful old world feel. 

                                               

Homer Wells, the central character, (played to perfection by Tobey Maguire), an orphan in St.Cloud orphanage in rural Maine (exceptionally beautiful countryside), is brought up and tutored in medicine by Dr.Larch, played by Michael Caine. While Dr Larch is a liberal thinker who talks of the rights of the Individual, Homer yet starts his journey with a rigid standpoint on rights and wrongs, and is totally against the illegal abortions performed by Dr.Larch.

He then goes out into the world with Wally and Candy (who visit the orphanage), lives in Wallys farm, working as an apple picker alongwith a negro picker team. Wally goes off to war, and there's a sweet love affair between Candy and Homer, though Candy is betrothed to Wally.

Wally returns from war, part paralysed and there's an interesting situation. Candy is in a difficult spot and yet says she wants to do nothing. We see Homer's deeper level of awareness and ability to think, when he forces thought....says 'nothing' is also a decision and do we want to live by a decision that gets taken for us. Candy makes her choice and he makes his. Poignant moments there.

                                                       

It's based on a book by John Irving, and just as he has in his other books, he questions and explores these odd sexual equations. This one has a father daughter relationship, where the father is actually in love with his daughter, and she gets pregnant and that again pushes Homer to see where the individual is bigger than the rule when he offers to help with the abortion.

And it's through these two intense experiences that we see him grow to question rules, and make the final choice of burning the rule book. It ends on such a high note of hope and possibilities that you can't but leave with a song in the heart. Strong recommendation to watch.