This One's For You Ma

The thought, and feeling, came out of a conversation from yesterday.

We, dad mom and me, were returning from a funeral, and I think each of us was caught up in our own emotional space (atleast I know I was), and we were also in the middle of disagreeing on some issue, and in the middle of that, mom interrupts so suddenly to say "smitha, what is TED, I have been wanting to ask you, and I just remembered. I saw a talk on your blog, and she spoke so beautifully....and so fast, and she said this, and she said that, and it was so meaningful, duh, duh, duh.......".

I was finding it hard put to shift out of the emotional space I was in, I don't think I even responded appropriately. It took me till my drive back home, and more fully through my meditation time today to really capture and surface that experience.....appreciate how she was able to set all that (including the disagreement) aside and switch to what mattered at a deeper level.

Ma, what I should have told you then: 

I'm glad you've met TED.....It's this wonderful online platform that puts up these brilliant talks under the banner "Ideas worth spreading" and "Talks to stir your curiosity"..... Talks from people worth listening to, talks on anything and everything. A space that's worth spending your time on, worth visiting even on daily basis, a great alternate or supplement to the newspaper. So glad to see how it's excited you. Welcome into a new and beautiful vista ma.

Here's another you might like:

An Interview With Akhtar

Akhtar Hussain has been an integral part of helping me settle into this house. In fact I remember him from the last time I stayed in this house, 5 years back, before moving to Bangalore. When Diksha and I had first walked into the apartment, we straight off fell in love with the place. We just needed the wall color changed, it was a dark purple. 

The owner was reluctant,  he said, same color one coat will do, but different color would mean more work and more money.  It was Akhtar who managed to convince him, and he got me my favorite 'off white' even on those dark purple walls. 

This time round, when I came back to this house, I called our owner and said "could you please send Akhtar, I have a few little things to get done". He's been helping with everything. The carpentry, the painting, the plumbing.....even the polishing of chairs for the therapy room. You tell him and it'll be done.

He seems this quiet, focused, deep, intelligent, no nonsense kind of individual, and I thought it would be nice to get to know him a little better.......or should I say to see life from his perspective. And hopefully enable him to see a little bit more of himself too. So I decided to interview. (yes, I'm fired up on that:)

My first obstacle - having to answer the 'Why'.

"kyon karenge mera interview aap" he asked

Next...what's the purpose he said,  'fayada kya hoga'.  And you can imagine my struggle at trying to get something so abstract across, and that too in Hindi. 

Eventually I guess I got there. He agreed see. I told him there might be no 'fayada' materially, but it's something that might be an interesting experience for both..... that I'd like to do it, and it could possibly be something he may like too. Was he willing to try, I asked.

End of the interview two things became apparent. One, I better understood the validity of his question. Akhtar is a man who does nothing beyond the absolutely necessary in life. It's all about work and family, or maybe even work for family.

Second, before end of the hour,  I daresay he did connect into the experience; for a person who talks so little, he sure opened up, way beyond my questions too.

It was a heart warming experience. 

Here it is in his own words:
(while we spoke in hindi, I'm putting here a translated version, which unfortunately takes away a lot of the beautiful hyderabadi urdu of the original)

Me: Are you from Hyderabad

Akhtar: हौ,  पैदाइश हैदराबादी हूँ  ( just for the flavor of the urdu. Guess being from hyd, I simply love the language)

Me: Tell me a little about your family. The one you were born into. What did your father do, how many brothers and sisters were you

Akhtar: My father had a book binding workshop. We are 9 siblings, 6 sisters and 3 brothers.

Me: How much have you studied

Akhtar: I studied until 7th class. When I was 9 yrs old my father passed away, very suddenly, a heart attack. It became very difficult for the family. My elder brother was already helping my father in the book binding work, but he couldn't manage alone.

So I dropped out of school after 7th, and joined my brother in the book binding workshop, as our family had no other source of income, and we couldn't manage.

Me: From there how did you shift into painting and carpentry and all the other things you are now an expert at.

Akhtar: For five years I did only book binding, till I was sixteen. Then my jeejaji introduced me into the furniture line

It was a factory in katedaan which was making wooden cabinets for Bharath TVs, do you remember, the TVs used to come in nice boxes with two doors then. (I recalled too) .

I did very well there. Within three years I learnt everything about carpentry, and they made me the supervisor.

Those three years were extremely difficult though. I used to go to Katedaan by cycle. I used to work there for twelve hours, come home, eat and then go to the book binding workshop to help my brother, and work till 2 in the morning. The money just wasn't enough. I worked like that without sleep for so many months.

Then the factory owners cousin was starting his own workshop in Himayatnagar, and he wanted me to join him. I did, and there I picked up expertise in lamination coating which was just coming in then. I worked a long time with them, twenty two years, and as they were in the construction line, I learnt everything about everything. They made me in charge of the complexes they were constructing. I also built a strong network of skilled people.

Soon after that my mother died, and after that I went to Dubai for three years.

Me: How was it in Dubai

Akhtar: It was alright. They had a factory there making furniture. We had AC rooms, dormitories with bunk beds, but there AC is a necessity. It was only work work and work.

Also, they didn't have expertise. They were inefficient, they were using a lot more paint than necessary. I did a significant contribution, I changed the way they did their furniture painting, brought down cost by 60%. But they took it for granted. I don't like it when people don't value my work. So after 3 years though they didn't let me go, I took leave and came off.

With the money saved I came back and got two of my sisters married. Then I also got married

Me: How many children do you have

Akhtar: I have four children. 2 daughters and 2 sons. Both my daughters are studying computer engineering, and sons, one is in school and one doing graduation.

Me: I'm so happy to see you educating all your children, especially your daughters to such an extent.

Akhtar: I've told them they can study till how much ever they want to. I will support it.

Me: You don't feel any pressure from the family and others, especially to get them married?

Akhtar: Yes, I do. I have started getting marriage proposals for them, but they want to study and then they want to work. I want to let them do that.

I could not study because of my circumstances. I feel bad when I think about it. That's why I want to atleast let my children study till they want. It makes me happy to see them studying

Me: That must take a lot of courage.  What else makes you happy

Akhtar: What else can make me happy. I don't know.

Me: What about your work, I find you so involved and diligent with your work

Akhtar: Yes, I like my work, and I feel happy when my work gets appreciated and valued. I liked it when people recognized my work.

Wherever I work, I am so committed that I build a relationship with the people there, and it becomes permanent.

Me: What makes you angry

Akhtar: I don't get angry. I never shout at people.

Me: What makes you sad

Akhtar: (the question seemed strange to him. he took a while to answer) I don't  know if it is sad, but it bothers me and worries me a lot that inspite of working so hard, for so many years, everything I earn gets spent equally fast. There is never extra money. Even after so many years I have no savings.

Life is so different today. Our days, if we wanted fruits we used to climb trees and get. Today everything is so expensive.

Me: Are your children very close to you

Akhtar: I think they are a little scared of me. They are very close to their mother. (with an embarassed smile)

Me: Other than work and family, what do you do. What are the other interests you have

Akhtar: When I started to work,  at the age of twelve,  I left everything behind. I have no friends, I don't go for movies. No habits. Nothing. All that went off with my lost childhood.

All day I work. I go home and sit in front of the TV until I go to sleep at 11.

In fact even my neighbors won't know me. My life is only work and home.

Me: What scares you

Akhtar: He actually laughed at the question. (his response made it sound like I don't have the luxury of being scared)

Me: What food do you like

Akhtar: Dal khanna. I don't even pay attention to what I eat. I never complain. In fact I won't even know if there is salt, or anything else is too much or too little. Sometimes my wife asks me how I am eating it without saying anything when there is not even salt in it. But I won't even know.

Since childhood, it was never about what food. It was just about having food to eat.

My younger son, he loves to cook. He'll watch on the net and make all kinds of things, one day he even made chocolates with nice covers. It's that different now. He said he'll go and sell it to shops and I said 'paagal hogaya kya'. (he laughed recollecting the incident)

Me: If he wants to become a chef will you let him

Akhtar: (smiles, seems a little perplexed. I told him I had friends who were chefs and it is a possible profession, even for the educated) I suppose so, I think he can become whatever interests him... maybe

Me: Do you meet with your brothers and sisters often

Akhtar: I have always been helping my brothers and sisters. There is always a need in someones family. I am the only one who helps.

One of my sisters daughter needed to be given blood every month. They were selling things in the house to buy the blood. I helped them to the extent I could.

Another sister, she died and her husband wasn't a dependable man. Both her sons are with me now. I am bringing them up as my own. They are part of our family now.

One brother has a health issue and needs an injection every month. Sometimes he resists. I am the one who meets the doctor and makes sure he takes his injection every month. I have been doing that for twenty years, every single month now.

Me: Does anybody know you have taken on all these responsibilities and how much you do.

Akhtar: Who will know madam. I feel I should do what I can, and I keep doing it.

Me: How does your wife react to all this

Akhtar: My wife never objects. She is very understanding and co-operative.

Me: What's on top of your mind now

Akhtar: Life has been a real struggle. It is always about how will each month go by. I have had a lot of responsibility since a very young age.

I will relax only when all my children are settled.

This ended the question answer part of it.

On request, I'm putting neither his photograph, nor names of his wife or children (they have the prettiest of names :).  His thinking in terms of why no photograph or any identifiable information, was so deep and meaningful, that we spent yet another hour discussing just that, and I came away humbled by his reasoning.

It was indeed an intense two hours. And when he said will you talk to my daughters if they want to know about jobs and things, I gladly said yes.

Akhtar, it was really nice talking to you, and Inshallah, may all your aspirations for your children and for yourself, get fulfilled.

Interview With Poojari Uncle

I've known Poojari uncle since I was ten. We lived in the same apartment for almost fifteen years, in fact right since ten till I got married and left. His daughters, Surekha and Sujata are both very close friends of mine and I spent so much time in their house back in the day, that I speak Marathi just from time spent there. Uncle still lives there.

Last week was his eightieth birthday, and his daughters all got together at Hyderabad, to give him a wonderful party, and a vacation at Ooty (without husbands and children).

Before they left for the trip, I went to meet with all of them for a while, and we decided that an interview would be a good idea. 

He is a really really quiet person, so to get him to actually interview and talk, and open up......no mean feat :)

That's him in his favorite seat, I've seen him in that very same chair for forty years now 

I had to get a picture of this old radio in, a gramophone cum radio which he's still holding onto. Tells you quite a bit about him. Trupthi, his youngest daughter, was telling me how much even she has listened to lp's on it.

Well, here's the interview itself:

Me: You've just had your 80th birthday celebrations uncle. What were your inner most thoughts during the time.

Uncle: I was happy, and I was also simultaneously worried. I was worried about the future, especially in terms of health. I was happy to see the enthusiasm of my daughters who came down from America and New Zealand and Hubli to do this for me. But deep inside I was not feeling very great for reaching 80. 

Me: Uncle, tell us two of your largest achievements in life.

Uncle: I don't think I have any achievements. Or maybe I can say, leading a contented life.

Me: Hmmm.....Girls ( all three of them were there) can you think of any, maybe trigger his thought

Each of them came up with something, which seemed to have got uncle thinking, for then he said

Uncle: I am the eldest of 12 children, and my parents could not afford much, so I have helped not just my parents but each of my brothers and sisters all through. I didn't have enough money for myself, but I used to make sure to send as much as I could back home. I studied more than any of them, so this just continued.

I have also helped Kala aunty's side of the family, her brothers and sisters (Kala aunty, their mother passed away of cancer thirty years ago)

Also in 1969, I was one of three selected by my company, Grindwell Norton, for a study tour to US, UK and France.

Also, I'm an active member of Lions Club, Balanagar since 22 years and also served as President for one year.

Me: That sure sounds like an achievement, rather achievements. What do you think is the largest risk you took in life 

Uncle: I quit my job, quit Ceat Tyres and moved from Mumbai to Hyderabad. I didn't like Mumbai. I shifted to hyderabad and started my own venture in 1976. That was the biggest risk I took.  I was forty. Children were all very small.

That didn't work out. There was an issue with the partner, and though we had bought land in Jeedimatla, constructed the building, installed the machinery, and all of that, we had to abandon the project.

I had no income at that stage. And that's when I started Sunita Enterprises. I decided against partnerships, decided to do it alone. Started with marketing, though I knew nothing about marketing, and built it up slowly over the years.

Me: Wouldn't you count that also as one of your achievements uncle?

Uncle: Hmm...yes, I guess it was. I ran it for twenty five years. It was very tough for ten years, it wasn't financially sound. But I did it. That was my work and my source of income. A few years back I sold it.

Me: Tell us, what makes you happy

Uncle: Not having any problems. I have had problems for too long in life. Some very difficult patches. Difficult childhood. My wife expired. Then my eldest daughters husband absconded soon after their marriage. I got her married again. Another very difficult patch was you know... Sunita (Sunita his eldest, passed away nine years back). It has been many difficult times.

(there was a silence and a heaviness which took a while for each of us to process, before we could move on)

Me: Uncle, I recall you used to travel a lot

Uncle: Yes, I like travelling, and I have made sure I go on a trip atleast once every two years. That made me happy.

Me: What makes you angry

Uncle: People not keeping their word

Me: And sad?

Uncle: Not being successful in certain areas. When things did not go as I wanted or expected them to.

Me: What is your definition of success

Uncle: Leading a peaceful life. Being able to solve the hurdles that come up along the way.

Me: By this definition would you say you've been successful

Uncle: By this definition yes, to quite an extent

Me: What do you find most challenging now, in your present

Uncle: Keeping myself balanced, mentally balanced, and physically fit.

Me: What are the mechanisms or resources you are using to enable you to do those

Uncle: I do yoga regularly for physical fitness. I have been doing it for many years. And meditation and reading. 

If we could have been more financially sound, it would have been easier.

Me: Tell us about some of your most cherished experiences

Uncle: I can't recall any specific experiences, but I would say, my daughters being very good to me. Being able to have a second spouse who is really understanding. Not many conflicts in the family.

My childhood was a struggle. I left home when I was just 5. My father was a station master and his posting was in small villages. I was the eldest of twelve children. So they sent me to my maternal uncle's place to study, in Mumbai. It was a tough life. My father could not support my studying. I've studied many years under street lights. And even engineering I did on scholarship, and even from that scholarship, I used to send half the money home. 

At times they didn't even get two meals a day. It is only after I got a job, then I started sending money home regularly. But then this was always a point of conflict with Kala aunty, which was also totally understandable.

I miss my parents a lot. I never had a childhood or love from parents. It still hurts.

(at this point I know sujata and surekha both choked up, it was an emotionally difficult space for everyone in the room)

Me: Can you talk of one instance when you moved out of your comfort zone, did something for yourself

Uncle: Marrying a second time was a challenge. Others questioned it. There was resistance. But it was a lonely life.

I did it, and I was lucky to get a good partner.

Me: What were the two resources that gave you strength through all these difficulties.

Uncle: Love music. I've always listened to music. Even now, it goes on at 5 am. And reading.

Me: And your drink uncle? I recall thinking, who drinks alongside green salad, and cheese right?

Uncle: Yes (at last we saw a wide smile) Every evening I would relax with a glass of whisky. Whisky with green salad, and yes cheese when possible. I enjoyed that.

Also reading, I like reading spiritual literature.

I've been independent. I used to drive the scooter, till recently.  In fact just two weeks back we had a fall, and then Nirmala aunty said no more scooter.

We go to Melkote park every morning for a walk, now we go by auto. An auto guy comes and picks us up everyday.

Me: If I asked you to tell us about your personality, what are the adjectives you would use

Uncle: Co-operative, Courage, More importance to Peace of Mind, Staying Fit, Helping peers and family members

Me: What is the advice you would give your grandchildren

Uncle: Pay more attention to your studies, and Consider being helpful to your family members

Me: Uncle, your first three daughters are called Sunita, Surekha and Sujata. tell us the story of why you called your youngest Trupti. 

Uncle: Aunty was very keen on a son, so we kept trying.  And when the fourth one was a daughter, one of our friends, Pratima Parekh I remember, she jokingly said 'abhi bas, iska trupthi naam rakh do'. I liked the idea, so we called her Trupthi.

(at this point Sujata, and then Surekha and Trupthi too said one thing " baba, never, not once did we ever hear you say you wish you had a son. You gave us all the freedom we needed, and we're each so successful because of that. We're grateful and appreciative", and this brought a deep and satisfied smile to uncles face)

Me: I have one last question. Would you like to be born again.

Uncle: NO

Me:Anything else that you'd like to say uncle. 

Uncle: Yes, I just remembered, I used to enjoy playing cricket in school. That is a cherished memory. 

Me: I'm happy this brought up that memory. It's a nice space to close.

An Interview With Mom

When I sat down to write today, I found myself sitting and staring at this blank page for almost ten minutes. Didn't know where to start. Guess that happens when writing about something that touches us deepest..... how does one capture all that you want to say to your mom. I wanted a mothers day tribute kinds you see.

I've seen my mom radically change over the years...evolve at many levels. I've seen her grow from being a housewife to a career woman, a protected woman to a solo traveler, dependency to strength, conditioned thinking to independent thought, until today.........where she's an inspiration and a tower of strength to all of us.

That's when I decided that letting her speak would be best, an interview. So shut the laptop, got into the car and got there right away.

That's her in her favorite corner and favorite zone......with her crosswords

Me: Ma, at 78, how does life look to you

Mom: My own space. I like my own space.

Singing to myself... every evening I sit in the balcony and sing to myself

I spend time with crossword puzzles. That's something I really enjoy doing and I've done it for many many years on a daily basis.

I like painting, but I don't do enough, I don't pursue it.
I go for leisurely and aimless long walks.

It's totally day to day. Nothing planned, nothing built in.

Me: What makes you happy

Mom: I love travelling. I like travelling to peaceful places, like Yercaud, where I can just go and sit in the mountains.

I don't need jewellery, or fancy clothes or anything else. It's just travel that appeals to me. And I've luckily done a lot of it. With daddy in jungles and wild places because of his work as a geologist. And later also across America with Praveen. In fact I would love to make a list of all the places I've been to, starting from Niagara falls. 

Me: Lovely, let's do that sometime soon. Moving on, tell me about the biggest risk you took in life

Mom: Going out to work. I wasn't a working woman, I was a stay home mom. It happened when I was 38 yrs old, when you were ten and Praveen was six. The opportunity came.

I stepped out for the first time. Up until then I was very dependent, in thatha's home and even after marriage.

I was scared, I had never gone out. I knew nothing, I didn't even know what a cheque book was. Vijayalaxmi aunty took me under her wings, taught me how to work right from scratch.

At home I used to feel useless, but there I was respected and I developed my own personality. The job was an entry into another world. I discovered I could do it, and I discovered myself. I discovered my worth. 

It was the best part of my life. I worked for twenty four years, and it made me a different person.

Me: What would you say are two of your biggest achievements

Mom: One as I said, was moving out to work.

Me: That is a big one...and beyond that ma?

Mom: Hmmm......let me see....starting 'Smile Foundation' with you and Kamlesh, and also volunteering at the 'Shelter for Street Children' for many years after retirement

Me: Pick 5 words you'd associate with yourself

Mom:
'Detached' : I love so many things, but I can as easily let go of them all
'Keep no negativity inside'
'No Fear'
'Kindness' : Poverty impacts me deeply
'Sensitive to animals'

Me: What makes you angry

Mom: Lying makes me very angry. Disorderliness irritates me, and meanness, I don't like meanness in a person.

Me: And what would you say makes you sad
(she thought and she thought)

Mom: It is momentary. In fact I can't think of anything that makes me sad.

Me: What about you do you think might be annoying for others

Mom: Short temper. Me saying things that might hurt others.

Me: What does 'being successful' mean to you

Mom: Completeness

Me: Can you elaborate a little, what exactly does 'completeness' mean

Mom: It means fulfilling your desires. Like, even me....I consider myself successful, as inspite of going through so many ups and downs, before marriage and after, I still feel fulfilled. Life is like a roller coaster, as long as you still enjoy the ride. That's successful to me. And it means no further desires.

And for me...life has taken a full circle, two loving children and no worries. 

Me: Nice. Profound. Tell me about some childhood experiences that come to mind

Mom: I'll tell you two.

We were three families living in Barkatpura, three large families, it was like that back then. Just these three independent houses in this huge area. Not even a compound wall. There was a lake to one side, and kachiguda station on the other.

This was during the Razakar movement, an anti Nizam movement by another group of muslims, and the men were known to be totally ruthless and violent. Each night we would finish dinner before dark, not use lights, and all of us from the three houses would go and sleep on the terrace of one house. They would come and throw huge stones on the houses, and it was a time we all lived under enormous fear.

I remember one muslim woman, who was a brahmin mans keep, a very beautiful woman, she lived in one of the outhouses. I used to go sit with her. She was so traumatized by it, and would tell us stories about it. That experience is etched in memory, though I must have been just 5 or 6 years old then.

Another thing I distinctly remember is my great grandfather taking me to the station to watch the trains. Kachiguda was just behind our house. He had a jhutu and a walkingstick, and he would hold me with his other hand and take me. He used to call me chukipilla ( moms name is sukrutha, diksha used to call her chuku ammamma, strange)

I somehow feel, in life, I got genuine affection only from him, and his death when I was ten really impacted me, that was one time I felt sad...and I think that was one time I cried. I don't cry much otherwise. ( I agree, I've hardly ever seen her cry I think)

Me: You studied in Telugu medium. How did you learn to speak English so well

Mom: I didn't know English at all. When bhava ( an aunts husband ) used to come home and speak, which was twice a year, I'd listen agape. That was my first exposure to English.

Then after becoming a friend of Kamala ( vishakhas mom) and seeing all those communist books in their house, I picked up the habit of reading, and that continued through college. It's only through reading that I learnt how to speak English. We had a lovely library in college. Let's go one day.

Me: Sure. Which would you say was the best phase of your life

Mom: Without a doubt the three years of koti womens college. It was three years of a happy and carefree life. ( I could almost see the joy come through as she recollected those memories)

Me:What's your favorite motto ma

Mom: Never worry. Never Fear. Be Happy.

Me:What would your message for your grandchildren be

Mom: Be good human beings

( I waited thinking there would be more. ) But she said, "that's it, that's all I'd say.....and that I love them unconditionally"

Take a bow ma, what a deep thought...amazing, so proud of you.

Me: Tell me two of your non known facts, facts even I don't know.

Mom: Hmmm......I always won at debates. I'd participate in any debate competition I could go to.

I played Draupadi in a play at school, and me and my long and thick plait became stars of the show.

I was also the main protagonist for two other plays, one called 'ma' , when I wore a saree when still in school, and the other 'gossip near the well'. This was a lovely play directed by Mayura aunty.

Me: What scares you ma

Mom: Nothing scares me. I don't know fear at all.

One instance comes to mind though. I went to Mumbai to attend a workshop from office. I was travelling alone for the first time. I got off at Kurla, and there was a Shiv Sena strike and the mob got into the train with sticks and other weapons. I had no idea what to do. There were no autos. buses, taxis, nothing. From somewhere, god sent I think, one auto guy came and said 'math daro amma, hum lekar jathe'. And he took me out. 

That trip was an experience from beginning to end. On the way back, I went to Bandra to take the train back to Hyd. I was sitting and reading on the platform, when I hear an announcement saying my train is passing through Bandra. I asked and the station master said it doesn't stop there. I had no idea what to do. I had no place to stay and very little money too. No phones. We didn't even have a phone at home in Hyderabad then.

Again luckily, a taxi driver said we could catch it at the next station and I don't remember a thing after. He drove me there, and he actually pulled my hand and put me in the train. I think I went numb.

That was a really tough experience for me.

Me: Wow, that sure sounds scary. Any more such intense experiences you can recall.

Mom: I have another train incident.

We were going from Bangalore to Surat, and we needed to change trains at Pune. Our train was late into Pune. We ran. The train was almost starting. I got into the train carrying you. You were two years old. I thought daddy might have got in somewhere else. And after a while as the train moved, I saw daddy and the luggage still on the platform.

I pulled the chain.

The TC came and asked why, and I said, 'my husbands not got in', and he said he would have fined me, but because I had a small child he was letting me go.

(My dad piped in.....he still remembers the TC shouting 'what sort of fool is your husband')

And yes, your big fall was one of my most intense experiences

Me: Tell, tell (full excited I was. I've never really heard the whole story surprisingly)

Context: When I was sixteen, I fell off the terrace of our building, off the fourth floor, all the way to the ground floor

Mom: I was just back from office, still getting off the auto and Kavita (the maid) came running and said "sumitha didi upar se ghirgaye". I thought it was Poojari's daughter Sunita and went into their house, and then saw that it was you. You had fallen into their backyard, and they had brought you in. I touched you. Maybe I wanted to see where you were hurting, broken bones, still alive, I don't know what. I was trying to talk to you. But you had gone so blank, eyes open, just staring into space. There was no response from you at all. 

Luckily, my auto guy had also come in, so we put you into the auto and took you straight to AMS (that's where she worked). I told the doctor and he said, where is the patient. He was expecting you on a stretcher I guess, but you had walked in, by then you were totally fine. Not even a bruise. 

At that time Praveen was cycling down from somewhere and Reddy uncle told him that you'd fallen off the terrace, and Praveen just threw down his cycle and ran saying 'sachipoyindha?' (is she dead)

I went to ammamma and told her, and she started beating her head and crying loudly, she was so fond of you, she also thought you were dead. And it was me who had to give courage to everyone else. I didn't even know what was happening to me.

Next day, daddy who was out of station, came back and it was when I saw him that I held him and broke down. 

(dad had tears in his eyes I think, even as it was being narrated)

Me: Ma, I know you turned vegetarian for Praveen, and that was another close call you had. Tell me about that too.

Mom: Praveen was diagnosed with the nephrotic syndrome. He was just 3 years old. And it was then not curable. Doctors had given up on him.

I remember, Dr Y R Reddy said, "Sukrutha, unfortunately there is no treatment, we can't help. Take him home. And remember, your worrying won't help too"

At that point I decided to give up something Praveen was very fond of, and so was I, I gave up non vegetarian food, even eggs. I didn't give up immediately. I said I would go to tirupati and give up. I did. And strangely, I have never ever wanted to eat it since.

And I am glad and grateful that he got over his ailment. Also, to add, it is because of his fondness for non vegetarian food; he used to eat fish everyday, and the doctor said "It is no wonder he has survived, as that is what replaced the loss of protein on a daily basis".

And ironically, he got hooked to a pretty, pure vegetarian girl.

Both of these instances, with you and with Praveen affirm to me that there is a guiding hand always coming to your rescue.

Me: Amma, that's too much real intense stuff, I'm moving into surreal and the concluding phase. A pet question, would you want to be born again?

Mom: Yeessss. But as what is a big question.

I'm very attracted to water. I feel a strong connection. One day I just want to walk into the ocean. (suicide ma?) No,  not suicide, (like a fish then?) no, no, not as a fish also, (mermaid aa?). Cha, no...just as me.... I just have this beautiful visual of me walking into the ocean and disappearing into the water, becoming one with the water. It keeps coming back to me. It's a very peaceful visual.

Me: My god, you're still there. I don't know how to react. When years back I told Dhruva this, he said 'you mean she wants to walk by the shore, right ?'

Mom: (smiles her sweet dimpled smile and says) "no no, not on the shore.......into the ocean"