Selfhood

How do we measure the degree to which we are able to carve out a separate, whole, independent self within our closest relationships?

This may be best read in continuation with 'Relationships & Intimacy'

This is excerpts from 'The Dance of Intimacy" by Harriet Lerner:

A strong self does not mean, high board positions or jobs, doesn't care what others think,  has it all together, moving up the ladder of success

We can be in any of those and yet be caught up in patterned ways of behavior in our close relationships to manage anxiety. Over functioning, underfunctioning, fighting, pursuing, distancing, child focus or other focus are all different patterns of managing anxiety within relationships.

She says when the anxiety is high enough or lasts long enough, we get locked into rigid and extreme positions on these dimensions. Then the relationships become polarized and stuck, and we may have difficulty finding creative new options for our own behavior. In fact the very things we do to lower our anxiety usually just keeps the old pattern going, blocking any possibility of intimacy.And the actual sources of the anxiety may be unclear or difficult for us to identify and process.

When this kind of a stalemate occurs, we need to work on the "I", and always in the direction of movement toward "more self". 

We move up the selfhood scale (and the intimacy scale for that matter), when we are able to:

• present a balanced picture of both our strengths and our vulnerabilities
• make clear statements of our beliefs, values and priorities, and then keep our behavior congruent with these
• stay emotionally connected to significant others even when things get pretty intense
• address difficult and painful issues and take a position on matters important to us
• state our differences and allow others to do the same

This is not all that "being a self" involves, but it's a good start.