What's with people !?!

This is not to say each of us is not different, and that each will be what they are....it's rather on observation about the points at which they intersect

One sunday, early morning, a couple sundays back, I was on my way to kbr for my walk, I was almost at kbr when I got a call from my mother, an sos call saying come. 

I turned back right away.......I was about fifteen minutes from home. Something in her voice had conveyed a deep sense of urgency. I tried to hitch a ride back home. I thumbed down atleast five cars, even cars with couples in them. But not one stopped. In two of the cars I could even see the couple talk to themselves over the decision.

While I ran walked home, and we got to the hospital on time, and that ended well.......something on this stayed with me, this inability of people to respond to an unusual situation.

Look at the situation.

Evidently a walker from my tracks and shoes.... no autos there so early in the morning......worry writ large on my face......an age which should not evoke suspicion............how much of a threat could I have looked.

What stopped them from stopping for me? 

Fear..........lack of trust...........lack of discernment........inability to be adaptive.......stuck in their own worlds......lack of empathy .......what?

Likely, some or all of those.

I write because I'd like for this to be a nudge, for whoever it can be, and definitely for me........if that were me in the car, I'd like to be someone who stops.

Chilled Out....

Well, this one as literal as metaphorical....likely more

A story about my fridge. The fridge conked out a couple weeks back, rather one part did. The deep freeze component continued to work, and until I could sync my time and the LG guys time,  we pretty much managed with the deep freeze section alone. 

One fine day the guy comes, spends ten minutes looking into it, says "the defreezing is not working... it's an over fifteen year old fridge... this model no longer exists.... so can't get spares"....net net he said I needed to buy a new one, and then charges me 464 for the visit.

While I was thinking I might need to get a new one, advice (good and solid) floating around was to check with the local repair guys.

Yesterday finally, just back from a nice 'chilled out' trip, I called just dial to say "I need someone to repair my fridge please".

Just that.... no make, no model, no nothing. And within a couple hours, I had Azhar and Basheer at home. 

Half hour on the fridge....some intense work on it.....a pcb replaced, and the fridge was purring so beautifully.

And ofcourse it was chilling out. It and me.

I was so engrossed in watching what they were doing, that I forgot to take a picture while they were at it. When I asked them for one later, they were like 'photo kyon madam?'. Told them about the blog and how this would add as expression of gratitude and joy.  That extra smile was so beautiful to see....for them and for me.

Numaish - A Nostalgic Visit

Anyone who is even part hyderabadi knows the numaish....it was just such an integral part of growing up in hyderabad.

An exhibition, at one time said to be the world's largest industrial exhibition, that comes to town every Jan, since the last eighty years.....thus dating back to the pre-independence era. Apparently this year they got the name 'Numaish' trademarked .

There was a time when we'd make multiple trips each year, one with parents, one with boy friend, one bunking college with friends. (must confess, we did some crazy naughty things, like even shoplifting trinkets from shops for the kicks.......omg, so difficult to even admit to it). And ofcourse the giant wheel, the motorbikes in a round globe.....the mirchibajjis et al.

And at one time we used to even shop there....bedsheets, clothes, keychains....and definitely the calendar.

After many many years we did a for-old-times-sake visit this year.

When mom later asked how it was, I found myself saying "it's exactly what it's always been ma.....just that we've changed, the world around has changed....and it's just so not relatable any more".

But in there, the atmosphere is still the same, the crazy crowds, the little toy train, the dust, the stalls, the mini amusement park .....even the old city folks bringing food and picnicing in there. Quite amazing....like time from back then standing still. 

Yes, it was kind of like stepping back in time.

Rest in pictures:

Yes, that's how crowded it was :)

the little toy train that comes hooting along ....and it's fun to see how there's more adults than kids in it, and how it seems to bring out the child in everyone

a little cute girl who was evidently delighted by it all

a must have....the mirchi bhajjis

the picnicing

caught dhruva unawares with his kulfi

the queue at a marchi bhajji place....loved the curtain of mirchis

a quintessential part of the numaish, those little balls with a stretch rubberband.....used to be a must buy. Even today I couldn't resist that chat with shoiab akthar, and bought a bunch for the kids in the colony

the giant wheel, the merry go round, the columbus....all reminders of old time fun

this little boy was so cute, and this elderly gentleman was having such a sweet chat with him

this was like highlight....we parked here....dad's old old office, the Geological Survey of India, and as we walked by the entrance it was nice to tell Dhruva "thatha must have walked these very stairs so many times as a youngster, nice feel no"

Thanks ravi, for having gotten inspired enough to suggest we make an evening out of the numaish........was as quaint and interesting as nostalgia gets.

Nocebo......The Power of Fear

We're all familiar with the placebo effect.

Likely some of us are familiar with the progress in the field, with scientific research indicating that it is not as much  'just placebo', as it was thought to be earlier.....lightly and dismissively treated by many, especially in the field of medicine. 

Placebo is now known as that element which triggers the brains own pharmacy and has the most wonderous and efficacious of treatments. The trigger can come from anywhere.....the medication, the doctor, the alternative treatment, faith, hypnosis, anywhere. It's yet nascent, but appears to have immense possibilities.

Similar is nocebo. The darkside of placebo. 

Placebo and Nocebo are in essence the expectation set by the mind. If it's ruled by the power of fear, it could have aligned outcomes. It is said that nocebos are probably more powerful than placebos...and all evidence shows that the human mind finds them easier to create and they last longer.

This is because survival is the deepest instinct and there is nothing more powerful that happens in our brains and bodies than fear.

And if you think about it, from an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense. Which is a more important feeling to have, as we’re surviving in the forest, fear, or hope and optimism? Probably the fear, because it’ll keep you from getting eaten by the lion. So it makes sense why it’s more powerful.

It's a legacy we carry. It's now about being aware. 

While fear is needed as a protector, what happens when we are overtaken by irrational fears.

In fact this is what caught my attention in what I was reading; the author giving an example of when he found himself irrationally fearful when his child was to be vaccinated. He spoke of how there was this one part of him that was overtaken by fear, and the other, more rational part of him that was embarrassed by the other part and he's like "i don't know this guy, I'm not here, I don't know where he came from".....and how the little boy said "does daddy need a lollipop?". And he says he did.

He talks of how even as a science writer, he decided to write about it. 

"I understand fully why anything with your kids is that much more powerful— why there’s so much fear around not just vaccinations, but a lot of things with your kids, because it’s our most vulnerable space. 

And at this stage what we need is empathy, someone who understands, who is willing to look at the fear and not the irrationality of it"

This awareness ties in beautifully to 'the most awkward thoughts are the ones that need airing'.

To acknowledge our fears,  know when they're irrational....and find the way to deal with them. Else they'll become your nocebos.

Aquascaping

A term I hadn't heard until yesterday....and one I learnt in the most beautiful of ways. From my son.

It's Dhruva's new found interest, and he did such a beautiful job of it:

We once had an aquarium at home, when the kids were little.....a couple plants, some stones and ofcourse some fish.  Now when Dhruva got one of his own, he's taken it to a whole different level.

So amazingly beautiful....that it looked like a work of art.

Aquascaping is defined as the craft of arranging aquatic plants, as well as rocks, stones or driftwood in an aesthetically pleasing manner within an aquarium....in effect gardening under water...and it may or may not actually house fish. It's almost creating a microcosmic ecosystem.

Caught an interesting (the reflection :) picture of him looking closely at some little transparent snails that have arrived in there, see what I mean by it's own eco system...

By the time I finished writing this post (started two days ago :), he got a little school of fish, here's one of them:

What also comes to mind is the extreme that he goes to in anything he does. Dinosaurs when he was little....he could name close to a hundred kind of dinosaurs...those were days I thought he might want to become an archeologist. And then pokemon....omg, leave alone him, I could name around fifty myself I think...gengar was my favourite.

Then harry potter, and wwf....music, football, movies.......it's fascinating to see that level of passion and attention to detail in anything he does. I see it again now...and I can only imagine how he must be with his filming.

Thanks for adding that new dimension to life, and that added beauty to the house kanna.....and needless to say, may you enjoy the experience !!

the most awkward thoughts....

"the most awkward thoughts, are the ones that need the most airing" 

I heard this line recently, and it so resonated.

Most times these are feelings......likely deep feelings that mean much....yet stay hidden, unspoken, invisible...often times even to oneself.  They are there...felt...yet their recognition and understanding often happens only through their articulation. 

Often times these are in the category ....... want to express, need to express, is good to express. Yet we don't.  These are the scary emotions, the dark ones, the fearful ones, the vulnerable ones. 

What stops us?

Fear of judgement....of not being understood....of being criticized....and so on, even with our innermost circle. It's as much about trusting the other, as trusting oneself. 

These are a large part of creating real connection, honest connection, meaningful relationships.

From my experience as therapist I see this so often. People saying things they've never said to anybody before. Now isn't that a matter of concern. What kind of relationships are we keeping that we can't find even that one, two or three people who will understand.

It maybe worthwhile to examine our own spaces. How much of this are we doing.

Can we overcome that fear and let our awkward thoughts surface? Give that other person a chance of being there, of giving, of understanding. Give ourselves the chance of honest expression. It's the deepest bonds you can build, for them, and for yourself.  

Enables becoming a more honest expression of yourself.

As Carl Jung said "the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are"

things that delight....

Is it possible today to focus on things that delight ?

Is it even fair?

In terms of context, reference is to the really difficult stuff that's going on around us right now.

The CAA....it's so hard to stay immune...near impossible to have civil discussion on it without getting someone upset, or for that matter without me getting upset, especially when talking to someone within the friend or family circle. Honestly, it's stuff that makes my blood boil...I can deal with the modi's and the amit shah's of the world, but when your own friends support it, my thresholds crumble. 

And we have Assam and Kashmir.

The heart wrenching pictures of the bush fires of Australia, be it people or the wild life.

How do we hold onto things that delight?

That's when you acknowledge the magnitude of the human heart and mind. It's paradoxical nature. How you can empathize and care.....and yet give, and feel delight.

How wonderful it is when you make others feel nice about themselves...... when someone says something that makes you feel nice about yourself..... how wonderful it is to see a peacock in full splendour.......how cute it is to see this dog that plays with you and then goes and finds a nice pile of leaves to cozy up in.......it's stuff that warms the heart.

The peacock and the dog from my kbr walk this morning......telling me it's always possible to find delight !

5 years ago, this day it seems :) :)

I received this from Sagari this morning.

A photo with the caption "5 years ago, this day it seems" :):)

This was the picture......a google rediscover on her phone, of a trip to Jaipur we'd done together, and yes, quite obviously 5 years ago. Who cross checks on google, right !?!

It set off so many memories for us. Starting right from how spontaneously this trip had come about.

I remember I was with SELCO at Bangalore, and she was still with Google. She'd messaged saying she was going on a one day work visit to Jaipur and would I like to join and make a trip out of it, and that's all it took.

Recall of memories included listening to sufi music all the way from Jaipur to Ajmer, the darga chaadar experience we both loved, the pushkar ghats......and chilly nights on the terrace of the haveli she'd booked us into (in picture) over wine and intimate conversation.... sure was a nice trip.

Thanks Sags, for having evoked those wonderful memories....and I guess part thanks to google rediscover too ....and needless to say, onboard on your idea of a road trip this year :)

An early morning dupe

Well, maybe I should say 'almost' dupe

Rather early in the morning, around 6 am, I was at the petrol bunk, likely the first car. It was a chill morning and the guys were still having their morning cup of chai.

I waited for them to finish and then said "diesel for 1500".

As is habit, I got off to check the zero setting on the meter before he started.

When I was getting my card swiped, I happened to look at the meter... and it was at 1200, and to my surprise I heard the click of it going off.

At first I thought I had got something wrong. I asked the guy who was handling the card machine why it was going off at 1200.... and that's when I saw the whole conspiracy play out.

The guy had the audacity to say "no, it was at 1500"......one guy realizing I wasn't going to take it..... pretending to yell at the other guy.... one acting as if he hadn't heard....all clearly evident  drama.

Only when I got off and said I'd report it, not just to their manager but with their names to the petrol company did they take me seriously....and then added in fuel for another 300.

I was (am) shocked at the ease with which they were cheating. And no small amount..... Rs.300 on a single transaction. How many of us check before and after. How many will not have caught that click. How many times have I missed it in the past, as I now recall often wondering why the fuel meter was indicating lesser than I'd bought.

Huge early morning lesson....and moral of the story: Checking the zero setting at the beginning isn't enough......need to ensure it reads right at end too.

A parable

I heard a little story this morning, a Jewish parable from the Torah:

It’s about a ship that is sailing, and there are many cabins. And one of the people in the cabins on the lower floor decides to dig a hole in the floor of his cabin, and does so, and sure enough, the ship begins to sink. And the other passengers suddenly discover what’s going on and see this guy with a hole in the floor. And they say, “What are you doing?” And he says, “Well, it’s my cabin. I paid for it.” And down goes the ship

It’s a story that talks about human responsibility, that we’re all in the same ship together, be it in a community, a country, or closer home a family or a relationship. What does it mean for us to be that person? And where have we been only focusing on my cabin and me-me-me and where are we not part of a “we”? 

And then the question is, what is the “we,” because the boundaries of what is “we “are a choice.

Deceptive perceptions

Year endings.....year beginnings

Times for reviews and recaps......and outlooks and resolutions

When I was asked about the year that was, while a few things came to mind, travel wasn't one of them. It's only when I was closing out my 2019 spreadsheet that I realized I had done quite a bit of travel after all, and just for that.....just for not even having realized it, it's worth recapping:

1. March '19 - Udaipur and Mount Abu with Mom: this was such a lovely trip, starting right from it's inspiration which came from Dhadak, a movie which as we were watching she casually said 'udaipur looks so nice, would be nice to go'. And go we did !

And this sterling board said it right 'holiday differently'. It was so lovely, that we reminiscence about it rather often too. 

2. April '19 - Kaleshwaram Lift Irrigation Project: While this wasn't travel in the true sense, it was such an awesome trip, that it just had to come in here. Was great in terms of geography, geology, history in the making....walking through tunnels into which water would flow soon making it forever inaccessible after. Quite a momentous feel. Was a trip with Praveen, Dhruva and Diksha.

3. April '19 - Goa with Sujata : A wonderful week long trip that included so so many fun elements.....road trip to Goa, the art exhibition, laatori every day after the exhibition, a tattoo, longest walk on the beach, ferrying the car to divar island...and that list goes on

4. May '19 - Goa with Vishakha : If Goa with Sujata included so many different elements, this one was about the beach, walking, drinking, talking, walking, drinking, talking... that's all we did all three days. It was a we and us time.....simply beautiful

5. June '19 - Coimbatore with Deech : An impulsively planned road trip, a thing between Deech and me. And a first with a zoom car hire, which was quite the adventure, as this picture shows. Reached late, stormy weather....massive fun. Like diksha recalled the other day in some context 'some crazy stuff we've both done together' .

6. July '19 - Perth with Deech : The big one. Sending off Diksha into her dream career path, a wild life conservation program in Perth. This was again an intense trip, starting from a nail biting start of almost missing the flight, onto her settling into campus life, me in an air b&b, exploring Jundaloop........and coming back without her. (the picture in my air bnb...symbolizing the start of my living alone)

7. October '19 - Auroville by myself : A long standing desire fulfilled. I'd been wanting to do Auroville for a really long time, as also a solo trip and this fulfilled both. A place not just to see but to experien....,  this one was like appetizer. Was so fascinating, I know I want to go back.

In between all this was two trips to Bangalore.

A total of nine trips in twelve months....a nice enough number but more significantly quite a few new and not to not mention, adventurous experiences. It's the kind of widening of horizons that I simply love.

Now to see how 2020 doles out travel possibilities :)

Joy

Such a little word........one that holds so much.

Joy need not be just about pleasure or happiness...........it can be that deep feeling of being connected, feeling well put together.

And it's beautiful because this can be 'your' space, pretty much... no matter what.

It can be the space from which you operate, your internal resource. It's from where you step out to handle the varied facets of life. Sure, in the middle of a storm, your energies go into handling and weathering the storm, but when you have this internal space of joy, you know you'll go back there......and likely, coming from there, you'll also be better equipped to handle those storms, the curved balls that life throws at you.

The curved balls are also what life is about.

According to the 'tao te ching', you stay stuck in the same problem until you learn, but once learnt,  you move ahead.....and then... life is waiting to throw you the next googly....after all growth is about  increasing level of difficulty.

And that's when holding the space of joy 'enables'

On the start of the new year, the new decade........this is one choice we can take :)