Crucial Conversations: The What and How of It

All conversations are not equal. Some are Crucial. What makes them Crucial? 

No, not the importance or criticality of the issue.  It’s a conversation which has conflicting opinion and where emotions run high . 

AlSwitzer consultant and coauthor of the bestseller, Crucial Conversations says:

These are conversations that have a disproportionate impact.

Here's an excerpt from a talk of his: An instance in example of disproportionate impact:

In America two million people each year suffer from hospital acquired infections, and fifty thousand of them die . (Can't imagine what that number in India might be). The secret to resolving this was found to be Basic Hand Hygiene. 

However,  knowing the solution didn't resolve it, as the ones who didn't comply were mostly the people in authority, in power, plus it’s a private act so hard to build in accountability. Most hospitals managed a 50% compliance.

One large hospital decided to implement a simple three rule mandate:

· Wash in and out – each time you step into, or out of a patients room you wash your hands

· Accountability – ask when you see (if you see something say something)

· When Reminded, say Thanks and Wash up. Make it safe for people to tell you.

With just these three simple behavior changes, the compliance went up from 50% to 90%.

Disproportionate Impact of a Set of Simple Skills. Also true of crucial conversations. 

There are 3 things we can do when a conversation gets into the crucial mode:

· Avoid, avoid, avoid 

· Face it, and do it badly 

· Face it and do it well

Avoid: while this may seem the simplest, and easiest way to compliance and peace, what we lose in the process could be valuable inputs and diversity.  It’s typically done when we value relationships over results. We maintain status quo by saying good enough is good enough. What it really does is lower the bar. 

Its like having an automobile which can fire on eight cylinders actually fire on five.  

Face it and do it badly: There’s never a perfect balance of power, some people have more power but all people have some power. When you use your power inappropriately, either through position, expertise or even will power, others react the way they can. Feeling belittled, suppressed can have consequences like gossip, sabotage, and such.  In short there are negative consequences.

Face it and do it well; Here's five tips on how

1. Identify when: Notice when the shift is happening, when a conversation is going from a difficult or tricky one into a crucial mode. Observe when the emotions kick in, you'd typically know your own symptoms.  Learn to identify them as they happen. 

2. Use your Best skills: The moment you identify it as a crucial conversation, consciously use your best skills. Don’t withdraw, sulk or yell.  Ask, Listen and Diagnose. 

3. Time out and Reengage: If you keep doing what you’re doing, it’s not going to get you out of there, it could easily go into a negative spiral. At that point it's best to disengage. Let the adrenalin out of your blood. It could take 5 mins, 10 mins , might even need a walk, but come back in ten mins or whenever, and when you come back think of what you really want. Think of the healthy goals. Its not about being right, making peace, its about getting to the goals you want. 

4. We tend to say things the wrong way: Common incorrect approaches - Avoid,  Small talk, Bad Time, Emotions and Conclusions.

Lead with observations and a question and not with emotions and conclusions. It’s a mistake a lot of people make. Our approach presupposes our own conclusions. Lets be open.

5. End the conversation well: Ending well is important to avoid baggage accumulation. Bring in clarity.

All relationships will have problems. The difference between the good and best are how rapidly and how respectfully the problems get solved.

Too Rapid: Happens fast but compromises respect

Too Patient and Empathetic: Happens smooth but compromises quality 

Anytime you see yourself stuck, it means there's a crucial conversation you are not holding or not holding well. Remember, when you see something, say something. Try it, it will be worth the results. Just work on getting it right :)