The Personal example from the previous post:
It's a situation between two friends who are also colleagues, Nitya and Raj (names changed for obvious reasons). There's a difficult situation at work due to role changes and a lot of stress that's getting built up between the two. There's unpleasant situations and accusations getting thrown around. This is now stretched over four weeks. Negativity's getting built. It's reaching a stage of N saying, It's not working, I didn't know he had these facets to him, I don't think I can handle this equation anymore,
Typically, egos come into play, and so also the recency effect. Are we going to use these exchanges to gauge a person, as against a relationship built over years.
Can we have that honest and transparent conversation, the difficult conversation ?
Here it becomes critical to come to the table with atleast 3 to 4 problem statements at both ends. These would in themselves take some effort. It requires a fairly high level of self awareness to articulate what you're feeling and what the triggers might have been. Sieve through the emotions, the anger, the hurt.
The goal is to understand what went wrong......Are the feelings valid? Are the triggers real? Or were they Interpretations? Perceptions?
The goal is to understand what went wrong......Are the feelings valid? Are the triggers real? Or were they Interpretations? Perceptions?
Nitya: I feel sidelined, plus judged, like he's taken over my work and added insult to injury by changing systems I've created, like they were all crap. I feel he is being arrogant in not even wanting to consult me in what he's changing. I feel rejected.
Raj: She's not willing to give up control. She's high handed. Is this some kind of a power struggle? Why can't she accept that she could be wrong? Why is she being defensive? She's not capable of listening.
All this from incidents and exchanges over four weeks.
In such a situation, if one stays with these feelings and presumptions ( and that's what they are) and lets things drift, and if things continue to be left untended, it could do lasting damage to the relationship.
It's time for that difficult conversation. Two prerequisites. One, the clearly stated problems. Second, a mindset of respect and trust, intent to listen. ( without that you might as well go opposite ways )
This is where you get to separate the chaff from the wheat. The clearly stated problem will in itself show you which one's just perception and which real. If real, what's the rationale and is it acceptable?And you'll see the resolution within this framework.
Sure, pushing under the carpet also works, but most often it can come back to bite you; simplest case with a recurrence in another form, deeper case, by building baggage. I personally prefer a deeper understanding that enables real acceptance, and this would work for those who also do. To better clarity and healthier relationships :)
All this from incidents and exchanges over four weeks.
In such a situation, if one stays with these feelings and presumptions ( and that's what they are) and lets things drift, and if things continue to be left untended, it could do lasting damage to the relationship.
It's time for that difficult conversation. Two prerequisites. One, the clearly stated problems. Second, a mindset of respect and trust, intent to listen. ( without that you might as well go opposite ways )
This is where you get to separate the chaff from the wheat. The clearly stated problem will in itself show you which one's just perception and which real. If real, what's the rationale and is it acceptable?And you'll see the resolution within this framework.
Sure, pushing under the carpet also works, but most often it can come back to bite you; simplest case with a recurrence in another form, deeper case, by building baggage. I personally prefer a deeper understanding that enables real acceptance, and this would work for those who also do. To better clarity and healthier relationships :)
Very inspiring article. Well written.
ReplyDeleteAnd I started to read the book which you gifted , lots to learn from this book. I would probably let u know wen I complete reading it.
I'm sorry I neither have ur mail Id nor number so I'm posting here
Hey Kusuma, thanks, and glad you like the book too..... thought you would :)
ReplyDeleteA perspective... all problems need not be disused and articulated and resolved. At times, it is also wise to realise that the situation of mistrust and misgivings and misunderstanding is just situational and not some deep rooted conflict of values and principles.
ReplyDeleteAnd this realisation does not even need both parties to sit and have a discussion. The realisation even by one of them, leading to a damming of the overflow of emotions will have a calming and redeeming effect on the other person too.
At times like this, there is no articulation of problems required except an acceptance that during a period of transition, there will be stress and conflict and one just has to accept that, stop overreacting to not make it worse and let time be the healer.
If I had to give an analogy, it is like a rash when you wear a new dress. You can make the rash worse by scratching it, or blame the dress or just wash the dress and ensure it works all around.
Conclusion: all issues don't need a mutual discussion. An introspection and reflection is enough. .. just like understanding the needs of the cats.. ;)
Vishakha, nice to see the perspective. And agreed on all issues not needing discussion..... Articulation does not presuppose Discussion, it could be entirely internal. In fact I feel Articulation tells us which problem might need discussion and which not, which could potentially pick up baggage and which not, maybe also with who it will work and with who not. Your third line ' that during transition there will be stress and conflict and one should just accept that' could in itself be the needed articulation :)
ReplyDeleteThe act of articulation indicates a desire to sort out the issue be it simple or deep. I have bad expierence on account of small routine problems which were not sorted out on the premise that it will go away with time or some shallow justification. These small small cover up might build up so much frustrations that leads to un willingness to sort the more important large problems. As Smitha wrote, the baggage of swept under debris.
ReplyDeleteDiscussions will empower and looking away would only lead to future negativity in un connected issues.
Yes one need not discuss wherein by expierence one knows that it is only situation driven as in by anger or ego or fear. But as a choice problems are better resolved by articulation and discussion.