All my best posts are the posts I haven't written

From Seth Again

Sometimes I'll get a great idea for a post while out walking or showering or generally not in front of a keyboard. Not just great ideas, but fabulous ones.

And then, after rehearsing the keywords over and over so I don't forget before I write it down, I forget.

And that post, the post I didn't write, the post that never saw the light of day--that's the best post ever.

I think most dreams work this way.

The thing is, an unwritten post is no post at all. It's merely a little bit of gossamer on wings of hope. Doesn't count.

The only good posts are the ones I've written.

I think most dreams work this way, too.

The Black Tournament - Barefoot Football

'Barefoot and Badass in Bangalore - The Independence Cup is a Tournament with a difference' - Swaroop Dev

The whole thing caught my attention first when I overheard Amit on his phone, about sponsoring Jerseys for a football team. When I asked...he's like, 'my pub manager plays for this football team, it's a crazy event, a barefoot tournament that's been on in Bangalore since years'. Sounded interesting, and I wanted to know more.

Know more I did....Swaroop wrote an article on it for a magazine called Motherland, ( strong recommendation to watch the one minute clip, the dexterity and skill on display can bring goosebumps..it's like he is one with the ball) and it got published this month. 

Excerpts from the article:

'Legend has it that the only time India qualified for the Football World Cup, in 1950, the team withdrew because they weren't allowed to play barefoot. It had worked well for them in the maidans back home, they argued, and studs didn't suit their style. The actual reasons were far more symptomatic of Indian sports selection issues; lack of funds and internal squabbles. But why let the truth get in the way of a good story.

Every August in Bangalore comes around a tournament that brings alive an ignored football subculture in the city that's not generally predisposed towards the game. The Independence cup, or the Black Tournament as it's called on the street that does more than keep that delightful barefoot urban legend alive.

Set in a pretty but nondescript ground that's nestled in Bangalore Austin town, it's a tournament that's been on for 65 years. The teams are a rule book defying seven a side. There are no tickets, no seats, no changing rooms, no press, and no advertising. And it's played barefoot.

The tournament pits more than 60 teams from the slums and lower income areas of Bangalore. The teams as well as onlookers are predominantly from Bangalore's Tamil Christian community. One of the largest surviving 'converted' communities since the British missionary days, there are over 1.5 million Tamil Christians in Bangalore, and a majority of them sit in the lower middle class to the below the poverty line range. If one generously generalizes, it'd be fair to say they are, for the most part, avid church goers and highly patriarchal, with a penchant for cheap liquor, loud fights and drama. The new lot, with gelled hair, studded ears, tight shirts, are tough, blue collared workers and cocksure. They love their movies, superstars, tamil music, their 'areas', their language and their identity. And they love their football.

The cantonment is generally the domain of Bangalore's upper middle class, and the ground itself is flanked by posh apartments and large villas. But on every Sunday, for four weeks leading up to the finals on August 15th, the roads outside the ground are transformed into chaotic parking lots, densely packed with rickshaws, cycles, low budget bikes, and souped up scooters with film star stickers. It's like a Hell's Angels run on a sleepy little town that leaves its residents shaking their heads. The atmosphere around the ground evokes both intrigue and dread for what might follow. Vulgar team songs, drunken threats and loud opinions swirl in your ears. Unsurprisingly there's not a woman in sight, though that doesn't stop the MC from beginning every sentence with a polite, 'ladies and gentleman'.

Money stays behind the scenes and bragging rights for a year is the biggest prize on offer. There is, invariably, some delectable pre-match entertainment on show before each game. It's not exactly Jennifer Lopez at the superbowl, and almost always impromptu, but it's raucous and entertaining stuff.

There are also poignant stories of dashed dreams. From an ex-Olympian who is now a withered watchman with a fifty year old team photo crumpled into his wallet, and others of youngsters who were picked for the Bayern Munich Youth Trials but didn't have the passport or the money needed to finance the trip. On that day, it's all wonderfully romantic.

The football itself is fast and rough. with just 20 minutes a half and 7 players a side, there's a lot more running and hustling to do. It's barefoot, on an uneven mud field, with the odd rock popping out, and plenty of dust in the air. Despite all the chaos, the tournament progresses remarkable smoothly towards the final on Independence Day and attracts an over 10000 plus crowd.

After the finals, the crowds hang around, swigging, smoking and swearing, and warming up for the fights that will soon break out outside the gates, as is customary after the potent mix of a good drink and rough football. Soon after these scuffles they will pick themselves up, dust away the effects of the day, and sober up for a mundane job the next morning.

The street brawler transforms into the bank clerk. The rabble rouser opens up his cycle shop and the kid with gelled hair sheds his Messi t-shirt for a corporation school uniform. It's back to business as usual for this particular football - mad community. It will be a year before most of them see each other again, and they can't wait.'

Thanks Swaroop. Great job surfacing an unknown and fascinating event, and an interesting facet of Bangalore. And nicely written; I must have read it atleast ten times.

Good Deed of the Day

Last week, Diksha and a friend ordered food from Burger King, and there was stuff leftover. I was so irked by the mess, I threw the remains into the trash. And then the second thoughts, the feeling bad..... it was after all chicken nuggets, so I actually picked them back up, put it away in another container and stuck it in the fridge ( I was irritated remember, that's when you stick it in, rather than put it in :)

Each time I opened the fridge, it would bug me, (oh, most important piece of information, all our cats seem to have gone off on sabbatical, that's why the fridge), so I pushed it right behind and forgot all about it.

This morning, I see one of the cats sitting outside the french window, peeping in hopefully,  and the moment she saw me.....mewing an..... 'I'm back' kinds.

I was immersed in my book, so for a while I chose to ignore her. But the mewing was persistent, and the look so doleful, that I had to drag myself to the kitchen.

Opened the fridge for milk, and that's when I suddenly remembered the nuggets. It's such a pain because cats don't like cold food.... .so had to microwave for a minute and all that.

The experience of watching her eat.....first she couldn't figure out what it was (staple is bread and milk) ......trying it out ......and then the relish with which she ate it. It was just so gratifying and worth all that trouble. I actually put aside my book and sat and watched her eat them all, so much so, I forgot to take a picture  :)

Intelligence vis a vis .....sagacity, maturity, wisdom???

There was a time when I'd think Intelligence is what it takes 'to Know' 'to Understand'.

The ability to analyze, see the larger perspective, to go beyond what's visible, grasp the subtle, think quick........and that would be intelligence. 'Intelligence is what it takes to succeed'. That's what we've been led to believe. And then you get stumped when you see people who you know to be Intelligent, yet, just not getting it. 

And then you wonder.....

I thought this person was really intelligent (and he is), so how is he not getting it? And then I started to look for what this person would be.

This takes me back to an incident: I was on a trip to Vermont, and I'm telling Nammu, (my dear cousin who lives alone in the woods, by choice) about a friend at work, and I say 'he's one of the most intelligent persons I've ever ever met' and bang comes the question....'what do you mean by intelligent?'

And I go "emm....well...uh....he's just got this ability to see right through things, understand the why of things, ask the right questions....plus the analytical ability to source and apply those answers....and ....."

And I realize today that if I didn't find a word then, I still don't have a word. Intelligence is only one of the factors in this kind of person, and there has to be that more......

I tried 'maturity' (but realized you can have mature without intelligent), so while maturity came close, it still fell through.

Wisdom and Segacity are nice, but they somehow seem to preclude the razor sharpness of a quick analytical mind, which is such a pleasure to watch, so dropped off.

Even Howard Gardner's list of Intelligences doesn't necessarily cover it. Sure emotional intelligence is a big part, but it's yet more.

And that ability is something which I think is dynamic, and that's really the best part. The open mindedness which is a pre-requisite actually abets its growth. And you pack in intelligence, and integrity and energy and curiosity and sensitivity...... and you have a veritable powerhouse there.

This might sound crazy abstract, and maybe even purposeless ( who said I don't love arm chair philosophy :), but look around you and you'll see it, or rather the lack of it. You'll find people who you've always known to be intelligent.......and do you see the cracks? 

That's when you figure that there's one fundamental difference. Intelligence is static, while that level of being is dynamic and all encompassing. Rare...but so beautiful.

Listening

The more I learn about listening, the more there is to it.

If I once thought I listened well, I now know how,  it can also be a process of continuous growth.  

This kind of ties in to what we spoke of the other day in difficult conversations.......that we all have our perspectives, own framework of rationalization........... and when we listen, we typically take in through that framework. That would create an automatic process of interpretation, judgement and reaction.

We need to watch out for that.

To be able to really listen, we need to be able to set ourselves aside. And to set aside, you first need to know. You need to know your own framework, your feelings, your thinking....so you can actually step out of them and then listen. Listen not just to what the other is saying, but to what the other is feeling.

(while listening applies in a lot of spaces, this becomes imperative in emotion or feeling based conversations)

First off, why is listening even important?

Because, as it turns out, 'being heard'....'being understood' is one of the most fulfilling, and unfortunately not so easy or commonplace, as you'd think, of experiences. Can be with a friend who has been through a difficult situation or something as simple as listening to your little one narrate her experience at play. It's what makes the other person feel they matter. It's so worth it.

A nicely said piece from 'In the path of the barefoot counsellor' Fr.Joe Currie

"Listening is more than hearing. It's not about let the other person speak, or about giving advice or opinion. The basic purpose is to really understand the other person. We are constantly speaking the language of feelings, but rarely listening at that level. If you don't understand how a person feels, you haven't understood him. 

What the other person wants above all else is to be understood. That would make it active listening. You cannot listen to another unless you are listening to yourself. If you cannot hear your own feelings, you will never hear theirs."

Like Crazy

Sweet and intimate....... intelligent and real, a movie with it's heart in the right place.

College days.... youth and energy at a peak and you have a blooming love story between Jacob, (Anton Yetchin) and Anna ( Felicity Jones). Cute and old fashioned start, where she leaves a long long note on his windshield, asking for a date..... they meet....they hang out.... and then they just start spending all their time together. All too soon summer vacation is here, and Anna is British, so her visa has an expiry date.

She can't bear to leave, even when it means going back to get documentation completed and coming back as planned. They give in to impulse......... and a glorious summer of love and sex. And that one mistake has impact that lasts a life time. It lands them in terrible immigration issues and what ensues are the struggles of a long distance relationship.

The chemistry between them is smoldering and incredible, when together and even when apart. The issues of long distance communication make their brief reunions that much more endearing and intense. 

Yet, when apart, they also indulge in easy, but seemingly unacceptable relationships with other partners. Jacob is into a relationship with his co worker at the furniture design workshop where he designs furniture and Anna is in a relationship with her neighbor. And there's assumptions and pressures and issues. You see the agonizing times when the thumb hovers over the send button to honest messages, and instead sends out carefully worded ones.

The question that seems to get asked is..you know you are in love with 'The One', yet there are other 'ones', and how much can it distract and take away. This movie is not for those who believe in 'The One', or 'Soul Mates' which can outlast anything and everything......in here the other relationships seem to seep into the very fabric of their love and leave them torn somewhere in between. Not as much their own but their inability to accept it in the other. 

I never really understood why Jacob couldn't get a visa to England. His love and effort seem sincere and honest enough, but I guess when you're in love what's needed is less sincerity and honesty, and more a craziness to do what it takes. The 'Like Crazy' is just more her than him I thought.

A definitely worthy watch. 

Handling Difficult Conversations

Year end time is that dreaded time of year .....the time for performance assessment and feedback.... and invariably involves some difficult conversations. 

And much as you think you have it all covered in your head, we tend to forget that we have only our perspective covered. And when the objective is to provide feedback that's actionable, then it becomes critical that you communicate right.

A very common error that many of us make is to believe that we're starting the conversation on an objective note, we believe we're stating fact. However, the moment this fact is pointing to a negative outcome or behavior from the other person, take it that we've started wrong. 

There will likely be an immediate defense mechanism that kicks in and creates a feeling of alienation in the other.....bad bad start.

A few things we can do to keep the other person involved and to enable us being heard: (while this is gathered from sources and experience that are work related, it's useful in any difficult conversation as well)

• Start by 'asking' rather than 'telling' ; Leading questions are still fine if needed....give them a chance to express their perspective, and more importantly, the feeling that they are being heard. And, actually listen.

• Own your perspective ;  Don't for instance, say 'you have missed every deadline we set'...instead say, 'I'm upset this project is three months behind schedule'. There's a higher likelihood they will listen, rather than if you start to blame.

• Explain that it's not about intention; Respect the other persons intention, empathize with the effort........ but stay focused on the impact. Impact here is the delay, so how do we work around it

• Pay Attention to your words; Keep them simple and clear, and more importantly neutral. Also, don't apologize for your feelings, your expectations are valid. Your looking for change at the other end....... not sympathy. 

• Say 'And' not 'But' - The other person doesn't have to be wrong for you to be right

• Pay attention to your body language ; Non verbal cues can completely take away from what you're saying....looking at your phone, or out the window, rolling your eyes, shrugging your shoulders......your body language should also show intent to listen.

A tip I read somewhere, which was also interesting:

If it seems as if you’ve entered into a power struggle in which you’re no longer discussing the substance of your conflict but battling over who is right, you might want to call out what’s not working. Say, “we seem to be getting locked into our positions. could we return to our goals and see if we can come up with some new ideas that might meet the objectives?” 

While you can’t force others to appreciate, understand, or even just hear your perspective, using the tactics above increases the chances. Getting your point across, coupled with genuine listening, is a necessity if you want to reach a resolution.