Handling Difficult Conversations

Year end time is that dreaded time of year .....the time for performance assessment and feedback.... and invariably involves some difficult conversations. 

And much as you think you have it all covered in your head, we tend to forget that we have only our perspective covered. And when the objective is to provide feedback that's actionable, then it becomes critical that you communicate right.

A very common error that many of us make is to believe that we're starting the conversation on an objective note, we believe we're stating fact. However, the moment this fact is pointing to a negative outcome or behavior from the other person, take it that we've started wrong. 

There will likely be an immediate defense mechanism that kicks in and creates a feeling of alienation in the other.....bad bad start.

A few things we can do to keep the other person involved and to enable us being heard: (while this is gathered from sources and experience that are work related, it's useful in any difficult conversation as well)

• Start by 'asking' rather than 'telling' ; Leading questions are still fine if needed....give them a chance to express their perspective, and more importantly, the feeling that they are being heard. And, actually listen.

• Own your perspective ;  Don't for instance, say 'you have missed every deadline we set'...instead say, 'I'm upset this project is three months behind schedule'. There's a higher likelihood they will listen, rather than if you start to blame.

• Explain that it's not about intention; Respect the other persons intention, empathize with the effort........ but stay focused on the impact. Impact here is the delay, so how do we work around it

• Pay Attention to your words; Keep them simple and clear, and more importantly neutral. Also, don't apologize for your feelings, your expectations are valid. Your looking for change at the other end....... not sympathy. 

• Say 'And' not 'But' - The other person doesn't have to be wrong for you to be right

• Pay attention to your body language ; Non verbal cues can completely take away from what you're saying....looking at your phone, or out the window, rolling your eyes, shrugging your shoulders......your body language should also show intent to listen.

A tip I read somewhere, which was also interesting:

If it seems as if you’ve entered into a power struggle in which you’re no longer discussing the substance of your conflict but battling over who is right, you might want to call out what’s not working. Say, “we seem to be getting locked into our positions. could we return to our goals and see if we can come up with some new ideas that might meet the objectives?” 

While you can’t force others to appreciate, understand, or even just hear your perspective, using the tactics above increases the chances. Getting your point across, coupled with genuine listening, is a necessity if you want to reach a resolution.