Writing a Diary

Ever since I can remember, I’ve written a diary. It’s been an almost constant companion right since school. Through all those days of childhood secrets, first crushes, growing up pangs et al.  I remember the efforts of creating my own version of the morse code, trying what we used to called finglish which just gets a lot of f’s between letters, all that so those deep secrets stayed with me. Then as I grew up and got my own cupboard, it was about keeping it hidden and locked and protected. Once married, it was about setting boundaries, earning trust. It’s a different story that nothing ever really worked :). And yes, it’s also true when people say diary writing can get you into a lot of trouble. Well, it has, it’s gotten me into real big trouble too, yet I somehow never stopped. Some may think foolish, but guess I felt that what it gave me on consistent basis was worth more than the trouble it put me into on occasional basis.

What does it give you? I think space. It’s one space where you can actually be totally and completely yourself, where you can articulate your innermost desires, fears, anguishes, sorrows, jealousies, angers and all those emotions which you might otherwise not even allow to surface, to acknowledge to yourself....... leave alone talk about. And a big plus of that articulation is an acceptance of that emotion, an opportunity to let it flow and then to make peace with it.  I think it is what has enabled a lot of what I am today. An ability to know myself that little more, be myself that little more, and live life on my own terms that little more. I’m still a strong endorser. 

Facilitate......Don't Teach

It is said that when a student is ready, the teacher appears

Yesterday Dhruva says he needs to buy two books, and imagine my surprise when he says he needs to buy ‘Magic by Rhonda Byrne’ and ‘Ýou can heal your life by Louisa Hayes’. I’m staring open mouthed…. because just two weeks back I’d given him the same book to read and he’d said no.  What changed? Now he’s like, my teacher from school messaged me with these two books asking me to read them, and I need to.

In fact I remember Diksha’s reaction when her teacher (same school, so same teacher ) asked her to do an assignment on ‘Magic’ three years back. She read it, and said ‘Ít’s the same kind of crap you talk about ma’.

It used to upset me when they’d brush aside what I thought I was teaching them. But now I know it’s about facilitating it. It’s like that example of the bean seed. You would do good to provide it the requisites; the water, the sunshine, the soil, and it knows best the when and what it needs to optimize itself….you can only provide, you can’t make it grow. Likewise, you can at best make available the teachings, and the learnings happen when they have to and on their own…….

Vipassana

When I was done with the Vipassana course, a friend asked in what way it had impacted me; after all I had devoted ten complete days of my life to it. At that point I could articulate some of my key takeaways; but today I realize that the change runs way deeper than that.  Vipassana in Pali means 'ínsight', and I think that's what it gives you, an insight into life.

For those not familiar; Vipassana is a Buddhist technique of meditation and philosophy that is taught over a ten day intense course. To add the real punch, it is ten days of minimalist living, rigid schedules, strict discipline, and a complete journey inward, with all senses practically shut down. It is a no speaking, no reading, no writing, no eye contact, no music, no communication……..essentially a complete cut off from the world outside to enable a journey within. Most of the day is spent in meditation, more precisely twelve hours. And trust me, it’s bloody tough. Though I went thinking I was fully ready and prepared, there were two days in between when I thought I’d go nuts and wanted to run away. But once it gets you, it’s an amazing journey.

What really distinguishes the course is the shift from theory to the empirical. It’s the most experiential teaching I've seen, where the tenets go from being known to becoming a part of you. Said or written, they would be what we’ve heard or read at some time or the other. Be it the four noble truths or the eight fold path of Buddhism, the mahavakyas of Advaita, the tenets from the Bible, and so many from other religions or great thinkers; they are all extremely cryptic and simplistic sounding. The course helps you understand and absorb.

Each individual experience is unique I’m sure. Apart from the learning, to me, the time there itself enabled some brilliant experiences. It's the moving from the conscious to the subconscious, to the subtler layers of consciousness which basically enables these, like a real surreal :). I had two distinct past life regressions, and both times I went back to the same life, the first time by chance and the second time by intent. (call it subconscious memory or past life). I had one clear out of body experience, which for some reason scared me, so I stopped it too quick. I had another even more scary experience of an eerie nature. I know all this must sound stretched to some of you, but it’s what it is and what your mind is capable of……. what can happen when the mind gets rid of clutter and is in free flow. It’s essentially connecting with other layers of yourself and the universe, be it at the level of the atman or the brahman, the microcosm or the macrocosm, it’s all ultimately the same.

If you want to check it out for yourself, it's here: Vipassana Meditation, the course is available in almost all countries. And if anybody wants to, I'll be happy to talk more about it...... offline :)

Thanks !

 Courtesy: Google images :)

Flowers blooming in my garden again !

Guess I must be coming back to real normal only now, cause I just realized that I’d all over again forgotten to be grateful, this time to all those who supported us through this crisis of last week.

Ma, who took my first call and only heard me cry, she was here by my side within the day, and she was rock solid. Dhruva said he realized how much it affected her only when she hugged him after the second clear report. Thanks for being my backbone ma. My dad, who was totally shook up as indicated even by his dentist, but didn’t let me see any of it, and stood solid on the ground that this can’t be happening. Praveen who kept talking to me, but said he couldn’t talk to dhruva cos he’d break down himself.

Kamlesh aunty and Janardhan uncle, I don’t know how I could have gone through this without your continuous and detailed inputs in helping me understand the diagnosis and information that was being dumped on us, and all the love and care that came through. Nammu and Bablu for letting us know how much you cared.

Revathi aunty and Mohan uncle, who were constantly there, uncle who kept supporting us through his contact with the hospital and with his Guruvayurappan. Thanks for all those prayers uncle.

Vijji aunty, Dev uncle and Amit, aunty who didn’t call because she said she didn’t have it in her to speak to me, and in that, I understood how much she cared. Amit, who on the other hand kept calling to ask what he could do. Thanks for being my family in Bangalore.

My friends, who understood me and were there only when I needed it, but ensured they were just a call away at all times; Girija and Vishakha, I know exactly how difficult that was and I truly appreciate it. 

The energy pipelines I drew from so so much…….. they really mattered.

Dhruva’s friends and even teachers, who kept his spirits up all along. In fact this message from a teacher from class 9, which was a whole five years ago, really touched me ‘take care and keep in touch….it’s great connecting with you…they don’t make kids like you any more ….I really mean that’

Revathi and Vedant, who were there for him and me through the whole phase. God bless you.

And there’s all the others who I know were there with us through their prayers and wishes.

Adi, out there….for making the miracle happen.

I love how long this post is. Shows how many people care when it matters. Thanks from the heart. 

Kiwi

It’s Kiwi’s birthday today. Had he been around he would have been 14, but last year he chose to go.

A friend sent me this when kiwi died and I dedicate it to kiwi today:

What a dog would tell you

1.My life is likely to last ten to fifteen years. Any separation from you will be painful: remember that before you get me

2.Give me time to understand what you want of me

3.Place your trust in me; it is crucial to my well being

4. Do not be angry at me for long, and do not lock me up as punishment

5.You have your work, your entertainment and your friends. I only have you.

6.Talk to me sometimes. Even if I don’t understand your words, I understand your voice

7.Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget

8.Remember before you hit me that I have sharp teeth that could easily hurt you, but I choose not to bite you because I love you.

9.Before you scold me for being uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if something might be bothering me; perhaps I’m hungry, or tired or too old

10. Take care of me when I get old. You too will grow old. Accompany me on the difficult journey. Don’t say, “I can’t bear to watch’ or ‘let it happen in my absence’…it is easier for me if you are there – even in my death

Diksha and Kiwi is sync

Dhruva and Kiwi is quiet companionship

We love you and miss you kiwi !

The Surreal

from a day time bus ride; blore to hyd

What do we mean when we say something seems ‘surreal’?

That an experience is one level removed from the normal spectrum that the mind is accustomed to. To draw a parallel to the light spectrum; the human eye can see anything that’s within the range of ‘vibgyor’; the ultra violet and infra red are not visible to the human eye, yet we know they exist. Is a surreal experience similarly beyond grasp of the human mind as we know it and we just don’t have the tools or mechanism to perceive it. Do psychics have a bent of mind or a subtler layer of mind that enables them to reach there? And if we want to, can we also do it? I think yes.

For instance dreams:

When I was talking to a friend about it last month, he was like, leave out your dreams, don’t think about them, just move on. But I was like, why? I actually like them, they are a very unique and individual experience……..just as reading a book, or watching a movie, so why should I be leaving them out? In fact there are times when they are more vivid and intense than wakeful experiences.

I’ve actually been trying to practice lucid dreaming for quite a while now, which enables a level of control on the dream state; different things, like continuity of dreams through those times that you come awake, initiation of the dream, at times an intermingling of thought and dream. It’s very interesting and  I think it’s one way of understanding the surreal or your own subconscious. You should try it if you’re interested, it’s a further step in knowing oneself, plus it’s a lot of fun. 

The joy of laughter

Laughter from the heart is one of the most undiluted joys of life, and considering there are n number of sources all around, I wonder why we get so caught up in the realities of life that we forget to take more of those moments out.

Yesterday we watched this really cute movie ‘finding fanny’, a spunky and insightful satire set in the backdrop of a laid back Goan village, where a motley group of  five, pretty self obsessed people, discover love in different ways. Really well done with a brilliant cast (mostly) and it was wonderful to laugh so much. Catch it if you can.

Also helps to become aware of what makes you laugh, and do a little more of it. I for sure intend to, even if it means watching ‘friends’ if nothing else.