A Second Interview With Dad

I'm starting the year here, with an interview with my dad.

The thought of an interview with dad came out of rather specific space......'the diagnosis of a life threatening aneurysm, and his decision to not go for surgery.....to let life take it's course'.

My effort was to capture his emotions and thoughts through that process. And that was 'An Interview with Dad' done in Aug '2016.

On his 83rd birthday, a month back (I wasn't in Hyd...thanks Ravi and 

Diksha, and ma, for enabling the celebration)

By the time we were at the end of that interview, I knew I wanted to do another one....... a not so specific one. We did one over the visit to Hyderabad last week. The context was plain and simple....capture his frame in the present.

The interview setting was with my mother and brother present, and there were quite a few surprises for all of us, dad included.  Opinions of his which surprised my mom, Instances from his life to which Praveen was like 'when did that happen?', Other interesting experiences which none of us knew of. Even an attribute which started with one answer and ended with a diametrically opposite answer.......... Yes, also a process of self discovery for dad himself.

So here goes:

Me: What about your present do you like most...pick a couple if needed 

Dad: The leisure which I have...'nothing to do'. I get up, read, eat, watch TV, and go back to bed.......get up, browse a little, read, eat, go back to bed.

I enjoy the fact that I have nothing to worry about. Correction, I have nothing to worry about for the future. My only worry is how to manage the pain today (his knee)....should i use oils, tablets, calipers, walk......maybe do some more research on pain management, but that's it.

No financial worries at all. 90% of worries are typically about financial worries...and I no more have any.

Second, I enjoy kitty....and feeding the pigeons, it gives me a lot of satisfaction

Me: What makes you happy

Dad: Having 'no problem around me'

Everything quiet around me is good. But ‘crying’ anywhere disturbs me..even a dog crying disturbs, most distressing is cruelty in any form to animals.

And sometimes it's all so quiet that I look for worry.......I'll start with Diksha, then Dhruva's course, then I'll think about you, how you are managing.....or I'll think about Praveen, his not getting a tenant, how serious it is....will they listen to me

When I am peaceful, suddenly these thoughts flash in... 100% peaceful is not possible. Even when I'm reading, I'll put my book down, close my eyes and I'll start looking for what to worry about.

Me: So, when you have worries, they are about the family

Dad: No, if I think about others, the next thought is....they can take care of themselves. My concern 'centers around me first.......'how will it end'...'when will it end'

Me: Is that scary daddy...'how will it end'...'when will it end'

Dad: No, not really, because I also know that there is no insurmountable problem...every problem has an inherent solution.....when the time comes the problem will take care of itself. But the thoughts still come.

Me: Okay, moving on....tell us two facts or facets about yourself that we don't know

Dad: I'll tell you one time when I was very scared; when i was learning how to fly, we do about twenty four hours of dual flying with the instructor, and when they think you are ready, you have to go solo.

This day, we did a dual sortie, landed....the instructor just got off, abruptly in the middle of the field, and told me to take off.

I took off, and I took off quite well, but when I was coming in for landing, I completely forgot how to land. I blanked out. I was in the grip of panic, I thought I was going to crash at that moment.

Then somehow everything shifted to instinct. The instructors voice came back into my mind....throttle back..throttle back...stick back .....stick back.....it all played out;

It's only after I landed that I started to sweat profusely..it's a moment I can never forget. (Dad flew many hours of solo after that, and got his pilot’s license)

A related fact, A weakness in me is that I don't plan, maturity is very low. In fact that's how I moved away from flying. I regret that.

Another thing I regret is quitting my job, it was a wrong decision (he quit government service when he was 48)

Me: What is the biggest risk you took in your life

Dad: Quitting my job. You were still in college, Praveen was also still studying, nobody was settled. We didn't have a house. The only thing I had was a pension. I'd call it a blunder....but somehow it worked out. I was so keen on quitting that I took a vow that I'd shave my head when they relieved me....but I think it was a mistake.

Me: What makes you sad

Dad: Any suffering anywhere makes me sad, including animals...actually, especially animals, because they cannot even tell.

Poverty makes me very sad.

The state of affairs in the country , especially seeing people in the queues who need money for their daily living, standing in queues for their own money......people suffering because of this.....it's the helplessness I feel...as this fool is in charge...makes me angry and helpless

Me: Tell me 5 words that you would associate with yourself

Dad: 

1. Inquisitive...Curious

2. Courage ( also very fearful, but I will act on the knowledge that nothing will happen)

3. Love Travelling

4. Very careful with who I associate myself

5. Love for animals

6. Easy sense of humor ...but not sportive about a joke that's on me

( this evoked a lot of discussion, in fact he got pounced on with 'what???? you can't even take a joke' and that's how he added the second bit of non sportive :)

Me: It's gotten too serious, let's ease off....so tell me some of your favorite foods

Dad: Sweets...Rasogolla and Sonpapdi, then...Poori Aloo, Masala Dosa, Tomato Rice....Spicy podi

Me: If you could take three things from here into your afterlife, what would they be 

Dad: 

1. good book to read

2. TV

3. good bed

Me: What makes you angry

Dad: Insubordination

Me: What does insubordination mean to you

Dad: People not listening to what I say

Me: People who

Dad: Anybody.......I agree it is wrong, but I still believe I am correct

( I had to put in effort to stay in the role of an interviewer, and not slip into that of an indignant daughter there...for that matter, Praveen and mom didn't need to and they didn't.....because we now saw where the expectations come from)

Me: What are two of your favorite pastimes

Dad: Reading and Watching TV. Serious watching is ‘Animal Planet’, ‘Discovery’, ‘National Geographic’...and then I'll also browse other channels

Me:What is the one talent you wish you had

Dad: Writing

Me: But you did write

Dad: That was a technical book, that's different

Me: Who are some of your favorite authors?

Dad: Thomas Hardy, Amitav Ghosh, Kushwanth Singh...I mostly like non fiction

Me: What was your greatest extravagance?

Dad: A visit to the US when you both were very young, Mummy's sister was sponsoring her ticket, I had savings for my ticket, but I wanted both of you also, so I sold my scooter to buy the tickets.

Me: Wowww, thanks, in case I didn't say it then, which I'm sure I didn't. Ok....moving on...so, what do you think is your most overrated virtue

Dad: My own intelligence. I think I'm very intelligent, but I also know there's a lot more out there

Me: What do you appreciate the most in your friends

Dad: Intelligence. High level of general knowledge

Me: What would you say are a few of your largest achievements

Dad:

Living life through in spite of so many hurdles and difficulties....still making life comfortable.

While in Govt Service, though we were mere cogs in the massive wheels that drive the huge country like India, still we have done our bit – like discovering underground reservoirs in remote dry areas, discovering and convincing the authorities that 'Basalt' is an alternative to 'concrete’, which I did when I was working as a Geologist at the Ukai dam, across Tapti river. The Ukai dam was built with Basalt, at a fraction of the cost of concrete.

Starting my own consultancy service after I quit, and running it successfully is an achievement

Writing and publishing a book

Bringing up my children, both of you.... shared with mummy on equal terms too.

Thanks daddy, for the honesty and enthusiasm... it made it so worthwhile and interesting

We ended on that note, though more for lack of time. If I ended my first interview in July feeling I want to do another one, this time I have ideas not just for a third interview but for a few more, as I realized two things through the interview. 

1) there's so much really interesting stuff about his life that we don't even know, and we would love to know

2) that reconnecting into the past.... into oneself, enables not just a reliving of memories but also changes in the present.

There are possibilities to relive achievements, make peace with regrets, acknowledge strengths, recognize issues, let go of worries....and if lucky even discover some new perspectives about oneself....and above all, to definitely bring in joy.