Personal Boundaries

A Boundary, by definition, is anything that marks a limit.

Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others.

People can have Healthy boundaries, Rigid Boundaries or Collapsed Boundaries. A reflection on your patterns of self disclosure will give you an idea of your boundaries.

Boundaries Define The Type Of Person You Are
People with Healthy Boundaries	People with Rigid Boundaries	People with Collapsed Boundaries
You're willing to say No. You know when people are stepping on your toes. You're also willing to say Yes	You're apt to say no if a request is going to involve close interaction	You can't say no for fear of abandonment or rejection
You have the ability to make requests and to seek alternatives when others might say no to you	You have very strong defences to protect yourself from getting close to people, you stay away from one to one relationships	You take on other people's feelings rather than just feeling empathy
You have a strong sense of Identity and Self respect	You avoid closeness because you fear either engulfment or abandonment	You have a high tolerance for abuse and for being treated with disrespect
You make appropriate self-disclosure; you reveal information about yourself gradually and as mutual sharing takes place and trust develops	You make little or no self disclosure, perhaps preferring to draw the other person out but not sharing information yourself	You believe 'I must have deserved it' when treated badly
You do not tolerate disrespect or abuse	You have very few close relationships, though you may have many acquaintances	You have no ability to see flaws in others because you're focused on being what you think other people want you to be

Feelings determine the nature of our connection to other people. If we don't know what our feelings are, we are not going to be able to enter into a valid, intimate relationship with another person. You can know what I do. You can know what I look like. You can walk with me, live with me, be married to me; but if I never allow you to know who I am, we can never have an intimate relationship. We cannot know who we are if we are not in touch with our true feelings.

Why It’s Hard

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

• They put others’ needs and feelings first;
• They don’t know themselves;
• They don’t feel they have rights;
• They believe setting boundaries jeopardizes the relationship; and
• They never learned to have healthy boundaries.

Our emotional health is directly related to our boundaries. We all have them, it's just that we might not be consciously aware. Knowing ones boundaries enables us to efficiently identify when ones boundaries are being violated and where one would need to draw the line to retain one's self esteem or self worth.