Pan 9 - Mother Nature to her Kindergartners

The evening, a few days back, that diksha and I chilled over vodka made for some fascinating conversations.....we meandered into the general, the intimate, the musical ....as well as the abstract levels.

When it was about covid, as it invariably gets to these days......and I was gingerly bringing in the larger concept of 'course correction' and 'earth intelligence'.....she took it to a whole different level with this:

this was like mother nature telling her kindergartners "ok children, time to sit back in your rooms and think about what you have done"

She'd heard it somewhere she said.....and I thought it was just so simply and so beautifully put, that it stayed with me.....enough to dedicate a post to the line :)

Pan 8 - When washing dishes becomes meditative.....

That's as 'present' as it gets.

What faizan does in half hour, I think is taking me an hour or more.

The difference? for her it's a job, plus she has the expertise.........for me neither. Over the last ten days it has grown into an activity of 'being in the present'. 

Plus, cleansing is potentially meditative (pun intended)

Meditation is no easy ask. Keeping the mind free of thoughts comes with a lot of practice, and honestly, though I've been at it for years, 'the stillness' or 'trance' or 'connect' or what have you...will still come when it wants to and not when it doesn't. You just can't make it happen.

And when one is in overwhelmed space, as I've been over the last couple of weeks, it's becoming more and more challenging. I haven't given up, but the body just takes over, and it's so tightly wound right now, that the simplest meditative tool of calming is also not working.

And that's when dishes have become cheat code :)

Steel and glass lend themselves to cleansing so beautifully. Atleast visually (thankfully we can't see the microbes :).

The whole process of starting with a sink full of dirty dishes, and ending with a tray full of sparkling dishes can actually be enriching, especially if you surrender yourself to the process. 

It went from being a chore, to a space I actually found fun and engrossing..... not to speak of the fact that the more stubborn ones like the cooker and frying pans are actually looking nicer than in the pre-covid era :)

Who'd ever think a picture like this would come onto the blog. Well....'life's changed' is not for nothing.....it's today symbolizing 'messy and meditative'.

That's when you realize that the choice is not just in 'what you do', but also in 'how you do what you do'. 

Pan 7 - Self Isolation, cont

I'm writing this from the vantage of Day 4.

Simply put...... 'life's changed'.

It's not just about what's happening out there.....not just about how daily life has changed....but how, it's also opportunity to look within. Ponder over the 'default to choice'  spectrum.

On the absolute contrary, what's also standing out is how this has made us go back to basics.....how all those facets of life which were outsourced have landed back on our lap.

It's paradoxical. At one level while I can talk about what gives life meaning, at another I am totally caught up in 'the life of detail'.

Between doing dishes, sweeping, swabbing, disinfecting, cooking.....and staying alive......there seems to be zero time for 'life as it was'. I haven't read a single book.  I haven't watched a single show or movie in over a week. There's neither the time, nor the mind space for it.

In a sense I guess that's also what made me come back to blogging. I didn't want to lose myself to the 'life of detail'. And of course Diksha's story needed capture, and am I glad it came in the form of motivation to write.

It's taking conscious effort. 

It's like what they say 'the urgent is louder than the important', and at times like this it's so easy to lose sight.

Just being busy has never been my thing....it's like I read somewhere "the ants are also busy.....the question is what are you busy with".

In and through the life of detail, to remember there is space for choice. 

Right now even I'm tempted to say 'god knows where', but that's the whole charm of it. Choice doesn't come easy :)

Pan 6 - Self Isolation

While we started with 5 feet distance at the airport.....we realized just how challenging that can be at home.

And I guess, very quickly we understood the fundamental difference between lock down and self isolation.

In a lock down you are protecting yourself from something that is outside. You stay in, you are safe.... you take the basic precautions and you are set.

In self isolation, the very 'thing' is potentially inside.

The primary ask is ensuring that 'it' does not go out..... plus trying to make sure it doesn't spread within the house. A whole different task.

Where do the boundaries get drawn.

The easy part was 'not stepping out'....... but what about how to handle the 'within'.

First off we're already exhausted from the uncertainty and stress of her arrival here....but there's zero time to unwind.

Where does one even start disinfection.....we swiped her suitcases with sanitizer (different story that we forgot the backpack until two days later), disposed her clothes, wiped door knobs and switches......drew difficult boundaries between us.

It meant not just not eating together, but also not being able to even hand over her plate to her. 

The red bottles became hers, the blue ones mine......the plates with a rim hers, the plain ones mine.....the glass glasses hers, the steel ones mine......it was crazy, rather is.

We could see when we were treading into risk....where does she dry her clothes,we have only one clothes line......we have only one broom stick, can I touch it after she uses it.....do sanitizer bottles need to be sanitized........  there was just no fool proof method. 

It's not just physically exhausting....but also emotionally so. Theoretical knowing and understanding can take you only so far. Nerves were getting on edge. We were both aware of each others stress, aware that the smiles we were seeing were as genuine, as they were brave fronts. And sure enough, we did hit breaking points.

There was a point on day 2, when I was "okay deech, strangely enough, you seem to think I'm overdoing it, and I think we're slipping in spaces.....it's two different perspectives of the same situation........neither of us knows  what is enough, or what the right thing to do really is........let's sit and agree on the rules, let's get on the same page with this".

Trust me....it takes conscious effort....no easy task when nerves are on edge. Where it worked well for us is that we think similarly,  matching wavelength kinds........but bigger still is that we both have very quick rebound times....the anger holding range is a max of five minutes :)

We soon found a rhythm......yet end of day two, we kind of needed a break. 

It was a beautiful evening....twilight is her favourite time of day....and she was like "want to have a drink ma?" and I was like "lovely idea deech, let's celebrate your coming back" !!

Pan 5 - Tense, Tenser, Tensest.......

Chuck the grammar.....if there were more degrees, I'd have added more.

That was how it felt. Three hours after I thought she was in the air,  she's saying they had engine trouble and were asked to deplane.

And then they were given dinner coupons and dinner.

And then they were rescheduling, as they were shifting them to another plane.

The clock towards the ban was ticking...we were down to counting.

And finally they took off at 10.50 pm. 

I will leave it to your imagination to figure what degree of stress those few hours were :)

At that point one of her friends here sent me a message saying "aunty, I have a cool link, it tells you the exact location of her flight, with height and wind speed too....I'll send it to you".

I was like "Rustom, please......thanks, but while I get how cool the link sounds, if I see that level of detail I think I'll have a nervous breakdown. You've been with me through this....you please track her flight, and let me know only if eta changes" :)

And finally at 2.15 am of 22nd she lands in Hyd.

Next came the possibility of the quarantine

While folks in family were very concerned about the quarantine, I wasn't.

To me all that mattered is that she was back. In comparison to the other scary possibilites of getting stranded in Singapore airport...... or under the circumstances even being stuck in Australia for god knows how long, fourteen days in quarantine seemed negligible.........I was just so so happy to have her back in Hyderabad.

In a crisis of this proportion, being together seemed to be all that mattered.

And that's when the tide turned. She breezed through the airport check, so much so she was out before I reached the airport........and I could drive right onto the arrivals ramp and pick her up.

She came out with this stamp on her hand....'home quarantined  - 4/4/2020'

And thus started the next phase of this story....... right from receiving her at the airport with a mask on,  and a distance of five feet.

I had prepared myself for it, physically and emotionally.....but trust me, it's not easy. I could stock up on sanitizers and groceries..............but what of the hugs and kisses which are an every day staple too :)

Pan 4 - When every minute was felt......

This was the whole of 21st March '2020.

Or rather it started from the 20th night itself, as her reporting time was 3 am, and she lives an hour away from the airport.

I was like "how will you go at that time deech?" and she's like "chill ma, I'll get a cab, or someone will drop me, I'll figure, don't worry".

I was like "no diksha, please....get a two way cab if needed, but please get someone to come with you....it's 2 at night ".

Knowing diksha, I should have known better. She had a literal farewell scene....her entire group of friends came to the airport to see her off .......nine of them, in two cars !! I couldn't believe it..... I was telling her how in my whole life that hadn't happened to me :)

Then the scene shifts to the airport. 

She said it was like a zombie town. Hardly any people.... and after check-in they wouldn't let her even go through security until the very end. Spooky she said.

Then she sent me this picture, from within the plane.

Literally all seats empty, the plane had all of five passengers on it. Look at that guy in a full hazmat suit. She said even his dark glasses were a couple of inches away from his face.  In fact she said when she looked up and saw him walking towards her, for a moment she felt like she was in some kind of surreal sci-fi movie. 

Flight done, it was now an eight hour layover at Singapore.

And those were the most tense hours, atleast for me :). While I kept messaging her intermittently, and I told a friend it was to keep her morale up, I realized later it was likely me needing it more.  I couldn't completely get away from the thought of how narrow this was, and implications of something going wrong.

Plus I had the delicate job of letting her know that once she's here she would need to be in self isolation for 14 days.

She made that easier for me. Sitting in Singapore airport for eight hours likely gave her a real feel of the covid atmosphere, for somewhere in between I got a message saying "I'm beginning to feel I might get quarantined when I get back".

That was my cue...I was like "well, best be prepared for that possibility.  And if not that, it's definitely self isolation.....from the moment you land....it'll be five feet distance".

And she's like "you mean I can't hug you when I see you? I'm not following that rule ma"

And that broke me. I could feel the tears rolling down all of their own volition. I thought I had done a good job of keeping my stress at bay, but I guess there are moments it needs out, and this was one such.

I literally hadn't moved from my couch all of those eight hours. I was counting minutes to when her flight would take off. 

At 5 pm she messages saying she's boarded.....and I start to breath again.

I had decided to go to my parents place only after her flight had taken off. So much for that......I'm with them, chilling over chai... a whole two hours later, and imagine my utter shock when I get a  "hellloooo bro" from diksha.

My first thought was wondering if they had introduced wifi on aircrafts....my mind couldn't wrap itself around any other possibility ......and a couple of minutes later I get "lol, still here ma".

And the minutes started to tick again :)

Pan 3 - 0000 hours ; 22nd March '2020

When I first got the message about the likelihood of the 'international flights suspended from 22nd', I was plain stunned.

At that moment I only knew that Diksha was leaving on 21st.... first leg being Perth to Singapore, an eight hour layover in Singapore, and then Singapore to Hyd....which sounded like she would definitely be landing on the 22nd.

Maybe that would have made the decision....even if a difficult one, of staying back in Australia.

But it wasn't to be. When I tell Diksha about the ban, she sends me her ticket saying "I land at 10.30 pm local time on 21st".

As narrow as that. 

And that's where our opinion differed. I was like "it's too narrow deech, what if your flight gets delayed by an hour.....what if they decide to cancel last minute.....the implications are scary....you'll get stuck in Singapore". And she's like "no ma, I'm coming.....I'm sure there will be others on the flight and they won't cancel......imagine that flight coming to Hyd and me having cancelled, how would you feel then"

We both go back to our individual thinking boards. She spoke to her friend who said 'worst case scenario, you get stuck, it's fine you can go stay with my family in Singapore'. I talk to a friend in Singapore and he says 'ofcourse, she's welcome to stay with me' (thanks Dhruva Shankar for that immediate reassurance when people around were telling me no one will host her at a time like this)

I spent a few hours frantically trying to call Singapore Airlines to see if they had clarity, but try as I might I couldn't get through.

I shifted focus to what happens if she gets stranded in Singapore.

A little more research, and I realize she needs to get a medical certificate from a doc in Perth and get it cleared by the Singapore overseas medical mission and then provided she tests negative, will be given a short term visa into Singapore.

She had just one day and she was busy with her semester deferment, cancellation of rental agreement, surrendering her sim card and all those winding down activities.

So that option got ruled out.

Late night I kept googling for more information. Every news portal said 22nd March, none mentioned time. 

Someone told me they heard 0000 hours. My heart sank. Especially as I realized that Diksha was by then in full momentum to come, and convincing her to stay back was going to be heartbreaking, for her as well as for me.

And then late night, and with more clarity the next morning, I found a couple of news clips that said the ban was from 0000 GMT and not IST. What a relief....that gave us five more hours. 

Phew.....enough breathing space. Or so we thought :)

Pan 2 - When this roller coaster ride began.......

While Covid was yet in the air.... this I think was on the 16th of March, just about a week back....is when this story began.

Up until then we were sitting at what seemed like a safe distance....it looked like things were happening in Wuhan and Milan and New York.... but it all seemed rather far away, still paper news, and what was happening here was more precautionary.

And then came the news that universities were shutting down, and what's worse, that students were being asked to vacate campus. That was my first concerned call to Diksha.

It set the thinking wheels whirring...... she was weighing options of losing an year of college (her university is still functioning, though mostly online), her campus not shutting down as their village as it's called, is a privately run housing tenement within campus, having a supportive group of friends...... the looming crisis......and figuring what she wanted to do. 

Despite advice to the contrary, of friends telling me that she's a tween and yet a child and I cannot leave the decision to her, I did. It's my core value in life. I took it upon myself to give her as much information as I could, be the white board for brain storming, enabling thought, giving perspectives........yet leaving the decision to her. 

I knew of people in my position who were either forcing, or emotionally arm twisting their children to come back. It took my all to do neither.

There was one evening when I'm asking her if she'd checked on tickets and she's like "I haven't yet decided ma, but trust me, I'm thinking harrdddd".

It's only much later that I was telling a friend how it's so much harder to 'allow and enable a decision and align into it' than to take the decision. Right or wrong I wouldn't know, but I'm happy with it. With knowing that my approach of 'allowing risk, letting the children figure how to handle risk, and being there no matter what' is something I could abide by even under such dire circumstances. To keep it at all times about them, and not us.

On 18th she took the decision to come back. Tickets were booked for the 6 am of 21st March, to fly in through Singapore.

One day of breathing relief.....that's all I got.

On 19th March at about 5 pm, I got the news that India was closing down all international flights from the 22nd. 

That was a sure spiral. The feeling you get when the roller coaster is on a steep slope, being pushed into the air, heart in mouth, and  held in place by only the seat belt, except that this was for real, and I didn't know if we had that seat belt.

Pan 1 - Nayaa Nazariyaan

As real .......as metaphorical.

While I started writing this post, almost a couple of weeks ago.....it was more specific to my lens implants....the literal shift. So let me start with that.

That day last month, decision to go ahead with surgery taken, when I was leaving home for my eye surgery, and I was saying bye to Faizan at home, I was like  "क़ुदाफिज़ faizan, नया नज़रियाँ के सात वापस आऊँगी ". (bye faizan, I will be back with a new vision).

Who ever thought it would get so metaphorical. It did ......and by multiple levels. 

I got my eye lens implanted, both eyes....reason being I didn't want to wear glasses anymore.

While that in itself has been, rather is being, an adventure of sorts....right from taking the decision, the halos I see around lights now, a kind of blur in one eye, the innumerable drops that are still going into my eyes......what stands out is the sheer joy of not having to wear glasses. After a complete dependency on glasses for years....... this is sheer bliss.

It's so wonderful, that while theoretically high risk, it's somewhere up there with one of the best decisions I've taken in life. 

And then, even before I could be done with post op........even as I was starting to see a  metaphorical shift happen in terms of  personal level barriers and boundaries getting breached ( naaya nazariyaan for real)........what's been happening since has changed not just my vision.....but life itself.

As we all know 'life as we knew it has changed'.

And I have a rather personal story there as well, one that I feel I need to capture for posterity.

Even as I write, Diksha is on 'home quarantine'......she got back to India on the last flight in from Singapore before the flight ban set in........amidst some crazy level uncertainty and stress.....an experience that deserves capture, in terms of decision, experience, and hopefully daily life through a quarantine.