10 things you'll experience when you date an independent woman

A friend sent me this, and I thought it was cute and inspiring too; So, to all the independent women out there :)

A lot of people imagine that independent women are some sort of mystical creature, or maybe a goddess or even a myth. However, independent women are very real, very successful, and loads of fun to get to know. They have weaknesses and strengths just like everybody else but they are beautifully determined and unarguably have power to better the world. So, what is it like to date an independent woman?

1. She will inspire you

Independent women have the capacity to face life’s challenges with a courageous heart. They have fears of failure like everyone else, but more than anything they are afraid of going through life without fulfilling their potential. Their “I-can-do-anything” personality will sure shake your perceptions about how you may be living your own life, and inspire you to achieve your dreams.

2. She does not believe in clinginess

Want a woman that is totally obsessed with your looks and cannot help but be all over you in private and in public? Then an independent woman is not for you. Independent women know how to show their love, and the appropriate times to do so. They understand that a ‘significant other’ is a part of their lives and not their entire life. In short, they have a life outside of you.

3. She may be help-deprived

The most amazing characteristic about the independent woman is also her biggest enemy. Her independence may get in the way of asking for help. She may see asking for help as a sign of weakness or an interposition. Step in and offer to help but be sure not to overstep your boundaries. If she says “no” to your offer for help, leave it at that and wait until she changes her mind.

4. She needs a strong significant other

Independent women need someone that understands them and gives them their space. Only a significant other that has a life of their own and who values independence will be able to meet the independent woman’s needs.

5. She loves to travel alone

Independent women are not afraid to take an adventure on their own. Whether they go down to the beach or halfway around the world, they see traveling alone as the freedom they need to make the most of their traveling experience.

6. She may have few friends

Independent women can be very intimidating! For this reason, independent women tend to have a lot of acquaintances but very few close friends. Because of their I-can-do-it-on-my-own attitude, sometimes they may not be approachable. However, when you embrace their attitude of independence you will sure gain a close and loyal companion.

7. She is not afraid to be alone

No friends available Tuesday night to try out that new Thai place around the corner or to watch the latest Matthew McConaughey movie? Not a problem for the independent woman. The independent woman is not afraid of sitting alone and having a “romantic” evening where she gets to clear their thoughts and ponder new ideas. She is also not the least bit intimidated of sitting alone in a movie theater and enjoying the show.

8. She thrives on her independence

Everyone at work slacking on the latest assignment? While super frustrating, that is quite alright for the independent woman. She knows what she is capable of accomplishing and isn’t afraid to take on whatever career challenges come her way. She thrives on working alone and because she controls the outcome.

9. She loves to love

While she may seem distant at times, the independent woman loves to love. She may not be the most affectionate partner but she is stunningly thoughtful in how she displays her love.

10. She follows Shakespeare’s advice

Finally, the independent woman loves to follow Shakespeare’s advice—”To thine own self be true”—and she takes it to heart. She knows who she is and what she wants. Don’t mistake her firmness for rudeness, she just knows when to say “no” and when to move on. Don’t be afraid to embrace her self-worth and appreciate her candid take on how she should be treated.

Karma, Destiny, Fate and Free Will

Karma, Destiny, Fate and Free Will.........Are they mutually exclusive? Do they blend into one another? Do they live cohesively? We each seem to have our own opinion and belief system that lends itself to the understanding of these terms, and somehow presuming they are ‘either …..or’, as in, that karma and free will are a dichotomy with each at the opposite end.

When I did the Pranic Healing course, I remember the sir saying, when I do the course in India, if I ask what karma is, I’ll get an essay from each one, and all different. So true, right? We each have an opinion, but dig a little, and it starts to get pretty nebulous, where does one end and the other begin. Which aspect of life falls under karma and which under Free Will? So,let’s see if we can do some exploring, some unraveling and at the end of it maybe we can each revisit the notion we have and see how it now looks. 

The deepest and most interpreted of words, let’s start with Karma.

To a lot of us karma is actually synonymous with fate, with destiny , (fate and destiny used synonymously here). How often don’t we see people beat their heads and say ‘na karma adi’, or the gesture of drawing a line over their foreheads and say ‘kismat yaar ( fate man), can’t fight it’

Now, strange as it is, Karma literally means ‘action’. And the closest one gets to free will is in action, choice...... in Karma

Contradiction in terms? No, Karma is a word that holds within it the concept of action with its reaction……the well known 'reap what you sow' or ‘every action has a reaction’. So to that extent karma is not just the consequence, as would be the understanding if it was just fate, or destiny but is primarily the action, the first act of Free Will.

At a simplistic level, its about I use my will, my discretion, I make a choice, a decision........there’s action and there’s consequence. Now let’s stretch this to a wider and deeper range. Stretch this over time. Still the same principle. I choose, I act and there’s a consequence. The deeper the action, the more significant the impact, the longer the consequence. When it’s stretched over time, we’re not going to be able to connect the action to the consequence. The consequence will likely be something I am choosing at a later date. Yes, choosing because it's the net impact that you need to experience. So the possibilities externally and the choosing, both become a part of that karmic cycle. What becomes the framework of our existence, the external influences, the choices available and likely the choice we make, would all be part of this consequence.

What constitutes our ability to assess those possibilities and take the decision and implement the action is our persona. And that is again part of the consequence of Karma. Our Free Will here is functioning out of a framework of ego, habit, conditioning, all arising from our karma.....our previous actions. From one perspective it is free will…but from yet another, the thinking itself is determined by the consequences, the experiences needed, the lessons to be learnt. And to that extent it’s the series of opportunities offered to enable you to learn your lessons and evolve our consciousness as we grow. All the opportunities you get are the possibilities from past actions. 

So what then is really Free Will? Free Will is determined by ones own level of consciousness. As you become more self aware, you move in tandem out of the traps of ego, fear, negativity, judgment, worry, and move into being, being in the here and now….that’s when we can experience free will in all its beauty and freedom. It's always available to us.

Once we can use our free will out of awareness and not fear and ignorance, it becomes a different dimension of free will. It’s about how much we can be in free flow. The higher the level of awareness and acceptance the more free the free will, so to say.

Fundamental is that every karmic action is subservient to the human will. The choice is still ours. And that’s free will. And that’s when karma can magically move entirely into our own hands. 

                                                        

Why Negativity trumps Positivity

We’ve all heard of how that ‘one apple spoils the entire basket’, and I’m sure we’ve seen this happen, especially at work places. There's this one negative influence, and other people somehow get impacted by it. Why is it that we’re willing to pick up or react to negative influences so quick, but the same doesn’t apply as much to positive influence? Like, the negative influences tend to last and get carried forward, but the positive ones are short lived and forgotten so quick.
                         
                                      

I read this article from David Maxfield which talks of why this happens; Here’s a synopsis

• Humans are designed to be risk averse: It’s apparently our survival instincts that kick in. The emotional part of our brain automatically focuses on danger and that’s why even people who are normally positive pay more attention to negative than to positive information

• Trust issues: People would rather react with suspicion when they hear nice things about themselves, and become skeptical, but when it’s something negative, they are ready to believe without using their own judgement

• Too many people count on others to speak up for them: Most people are too timid to speak for themselves. The people who do speak up fall into two camps: those especially skilled at crucial conversations and those who aren't. Those especially skilled folks know how to speak up in ways that are frank, honest, and respectful. Those who are especially unskilled are honest, but offensive, and may not even realize how negative they actually are.

• Tit for Tat- disrespectful behavior: When someone is disrespectful, others often respond with disrespect—tit-for-tat. As a result, disrespect becomes a poison that spreads quickly through a team.

• Negativity is a habit that’s hard to break: We’ve all observed this unfortunate truth. People commit to stop complaining, rumor-mongering, or being disrespectful, but then fall back in to their old ways.

Each of these moments of awareness is that one step closer to the awakening which will enable a move away from the negative, and towards a more positive and joyous life.  Worth becoming aware, what say?

Bargaining at Street Side Shops

Disclaimer a la the movies: Any perception of resemblance is purely unintended, but then, if you do think you connect, then dude..... yes, please rethink :)

                                                

                                 

                                  

If we observe, we’ll notice that a lot of us bargain with the small vendors, some do it superficially, some do it extensively, and yet others do actual haggling. It's almost like a challenge taken on to come out victorious, I either get it at my obnoxious price or I don't buy from him kinds. And you'll see this pretty often times too. Now this typically happens in the not so structured shopping places and the lower the rung you go, the more it seems to happen. You’ll see it when  buying vegetables, or flowers, or junk jewellery, or clothes, or handicrafts and all this at the really little shops. If you think about it, you’ll see that it’s not the product, it’s not the price……what triggers this is just the possibility,  the power of being able to bargain. For instance, a jewellery trinket, it would be priced at Rs.60 at this little street side store and we’ll want it at Rs.30....... I’ve even seen folks start the ask at Rs.20, which is mind you at a 70% less. Yet, the very same earring in Shoppers stop or Lifestyle or any upmarket store will be bought for Rs.200, without a single word. 

This bargaining  happens in any store which is not formal enough to have a price tag. But for the purpose of this write up, I am staying with the real small vendors , the street side hawkers, bandi vendors, traffic signal vendors, cycle or walking vendors and the like.

We know that these little shops or sellers are essentially  run by the relatively poorer populace.  What we need to realize is that when we bargain there, we are negotiating with not the value of the product, but with the need of the vendor.

This learning has gotten crystallized and validated by my recent exposure and talks with small business vendors in the slums I’ve visited. The dholak sellers, flower vendors, and fruit vendors. Alam was like, there are days when we need to sell even at a loss because there is no money to buy food. Then, these women who walk around all day with the basket on their heads selling flowers or vegetables or fruits. When I hear them shout out, I keep wondering how their voice and energy holds out all day, because that is something they just have to keep doing  all day long, come rain or shine. And there’s nothing like leave. Any leave is like leave without pay. Do we realize how that would feel to us.

May be we can do our bit for them just by buying at quoted price,  preferably without bargaining, but if not, atleast at what we think is the value of the product to us and bench marked against our affordability and not their need. We would be doing the poor a great service if we could keep this in mind. Just be aware that the Rs.20 or 40 we save has so much more value to them than it does to us. Think about it.

What's in a name??

'What's in a name?' ........…Well, apparently nothing. So it's been said from Shakespeare on, to whenever this line is used.

But I have reason to believe otherwise. I think we all have that little bit of attachment to our names. Isn't it true that each of us has that little extra reaction when we hear our name spoken? Like how our ears will perk up even if we hear our name spoken across the room…… or just that little warm feeling that goes through when it’s used in the middle of an intimate conversation………. or how we know the person is just more involved in the conversation at that moment. All of these goes to show that our name for sure matters to us. Moments of additional warmth.

                                  

And then there’s all these people we meet on regular basis who we seem to identify by their roles, or tasks they do, like say our office security guy, regular cab drivers, the chai shop guy, the dhobhi, the watchman, office cleaners, the watchman at the park we go to everyday, friends maid, the list can go on. How often do we give them an identity beyond their role?

I once heard this friend in Google react exasperatedly to our often changing cab drivers ( we get a fixed cab to pick us up every morning) saying, ‘it’s such a pain, just look at my contact list, it has cab guy, cab guy one, cab driver, cab driver new and so on, why can't they just not keep changing the drivers?’. And I’m thinking to myself how the simplest solution would have been to have a name there, of course with that little effort of asking what his name is and tucking it into memory. Wouldn’t it make that connect more personal, after all you meet him every morning. And then, wouldn't he feel good if each morning he were greeted with ‘Good Morning Farhan or Subbu or Raju’, rather than a nod, or not even.

This holds for all those people we come across on fairly regular basis, but never bother to identify with a name. How many of us know the name of the guy who gives us the newspaper each morning? our milk packets each morning? the dhobhi? kirana shop guy? try talking to them using their name and you'll see the connect you make with people who are a part, maybe a peripheral part, nevertheless a part, of your life.

I remember this time I went to this little store which is manned (girled?) by this fifteen year old girl, and I walk in with Hi Aliya! ....and she went Állah, mera naam yaad hai aap ko?', and know what? it wasn't just her, it made me feel so good. That's where joy goes full circle. The benchmark is one hour. Anyone I'm spending more than one hour with, like even a cab to the airport, I'll ask. Why? Because it enables a personal touch, a connect through which you can put a smile on his face, or a moments warmth in his heart. Trust me, when you do that, there's also the nice feeling you get left with, a warmth in the heart too.  Try it. It's happiness so easy.

This morning Nakul ..... I didn't dare say a friend ;)......... told me of a trick, and he vouches for it. When we first ask someone for their name, if we use the name in the first conversation three times, we are more likely to remember the name. I think that’s a cool thing to know, so I thought I’d share. If it gives us an opportunity to make the other feel nicer for that one moment we should just do it, right? And then us feeling nice......big bonus !!

Just random cute

                                         

Being single: what it’s about and why it may be a great way to live life

There are worse things than being alone. But it often takes decades to realize this. And most often when you do, it’s too late. And there’s nothing worse than too late - Charles Bukowski

It’s kind of ironical, but even writing this is difficult. People make you feel you need to be defensive and apologetic for being single. Starting from how, when you say you’re single, the reaction is ‘I’m sorry’ and I’m like, for what? Isn’t it relevant that it’s a choice. 

Initially, I found myself bending to it. But no more. I can now vouch for the fact that the single years can actually be the most liberating and productive. I now don’t even understand why many people wear their single status reluctantly, like it’s a waiting period. That’s how conditioned society is, and how it has such a stranglehold on people’s expectations, of others and of themselves. It’s a shame that most people view relationships as an end in themselves, like there’s no real life without one.

From last weeks flight to Hyd*

* Little story here: I was on the right side of the plane, and this was the view from the left. I caught a glimpse, and it looked brilliant, but I was seeing across heads and shoulders. Then the want, the decision, the walk across the aisle to search for a window on the left...effort...... found it.. stayed till the sun set........and it was sooooo worth it. Analogy ? Maybe yes :)

Trust me, it’s happy space. 

Being single enables you to experience so much more, which life in a relationship doesn’t allow, what with all the demands on your time, on your space, on your thinking, the life of detail.... the financial and emotional pressures, all of those just take away so much of your energy.

Instead of viewing it as a time to wait for another relationship or shifting dependence to other equations like children, parents and stuff, if folks could actually see the positive of it, of using it to grow and evolve, it will show its magic indeed.

Let me actually list out why I think it can be the most wonderful time of your life:

1. There’s no rules; no expectations, no demands, no moods, to deal with…..the biggest of yay’s. 

2. You get all the time and opportunity to get to know yourself in all your various facets……you have the time, space and biggest of all, the energy to spend on yourself. Your strengths, your weaknesses, your insecurities…..the good, the bad, the indifferent, all laid bare. You get to pick and learn and iron out the creases. You’ll find the graph change direction. It’s hockey stick growth and a fun journey to boot.

3. You get to explore what you want to do with your life…..starting from where you actually get to honestly ask the question of what matters to you, what you’d like to be doing, where you’d like to be living and then go out and do it too. It’s somehow tragic how many dreams and ambitions disappear under the responsibility and wrap of relationships. And what’s worse , this gets covered under some kind of nobility of compromise and sacrifice. Think….would we want out closest ones, say our children to give themselves up for others? Then why do we think it’s right when it comes to us? 

4. Its about gaining confidence; you are in full control and responsibility, and yet it all works…in fact you slowly realize you are capable of way more than you thought, brilliant feel good factor

5. Its about knowledge…..and actually wisdom too; that’s like bonus, the journey of self discovery the time and space available to focus on the things you like, all just happen, and it’s headying and exhilarating stuff!

6. Its about adventure, you get to do so many things alone, like travel for instance, it’s a lot of fun

7. Its about regaining your health…..I’m not just talking time for yoga and walking. It’s about how the emotional and physical bodies are linked. No energy sappers, no unresolved baggage, no energy drains to deal with……and you can get your energy from sources which are sure shot, and changeable by whim and choice, it's high energy space

8. Its about loving yourself……..if you can’t love yourself, you can’t love another its said. So true, and all that baggage, it sadly brings out your not so nice side more often than not. And with those traps of lack, regret, guilt, low self esteem, conflict…not easy to stay positive all the time. Not saying you won’t have your downs single, but they become so much easier to tackle, cause you’re just more energized. 

9. It’s about being able to give so much more because you’re just a so much more happier person yourself. It's like the easiest and the biggest. Happy...... so you give...... you give.... and you get happier, no flip side to this :)

10. It’s about learning to climb new highs each day as there’s the space and fresh air to look above and beyond

Can you do all of these in a relationship? Sure, you can, but sadly, it’s more often not. So, I’m not saying relationships are bad; I'm saying Single is brilliant !!!!!

SELCO - The Last Mile Reach

http://www.thelastmileselco.in/                                                                                     

This interactive website on SELCO created by an independent filmmaker has some really nicely made videos.  Try and catch some of the stories to get the picture of what SELCO does, and how it does what it does, in the effort to reach those remote communities and households which seem to exist on the periphery of civilization. 

The company is always hounded by these typical corporate and finance questions of: How will you scale? Where is the standardized model? How do we show impact to our financiers?

But this is where I'd say a real kudos to the philosophy of SELCO. It believes that in our effort to standardize and scale, we are leaving behind a lot of the poor and very poor, the far flung and the remote. Every branch of SELCO has a mission team whose job it is to scout out those most deprived and enable and facilitate a level of empowerment. The last mile reach as the story states.