An At Home 'Paint & Wine' Evening

Last night (not evening) Diksha and I did a Paint & Wine evening at home.

It turned out such an interesting experience.

The last time I painted, which was my first time too, was at the "paint & wine' with Sujata. And fully inspired by her being with me, I'd bought all the paraphernalia for painting, including an easel, all of which had sat untouched since then (since August)

And now suddenly we decided we'll do a painting. And I was nervous, excited too, but also nervous.

And it was so interesting to see how Diksha just took the lead. I heard "ma, just have fun ma, don't worry about how it's turning out, or about making mistakes" "It's your first, focus on painting, not on the painting, it's not about whether it's good enough" "It's okay if it's not good enough for your wall"

Every half hour she'd come and check, and say encouraging things to make me go on. I saw a complete role reversal, I became the child, looking forward to her little words of encouragement and she the adult, taking it upon herself to see that I relaxed and connected into the process.

At one point, I was like " ayyo, this dabba doesn't have purple, I want purple flowers" and I hear "mix red and blue ma, and white to lighten to the purple you want". How had I forgotten, all those sundays, many many years ago, which I'd devoted to only having them play with colors....tubes and tubes used just to see what combinations gave what colors. Wonderfully nostalgic.

And the final one, "deech, I'm so hopeless at this, not getting my flowers right" and she's like " there's no right ma, it's abstract, and it's yours".

I was getting back my lessons in life. Maybe I'd forgotten and she'd imbibed, and this was a lovely way to relearn.

Diksha engrossed

My messy corner

The output. Diksha's is the graceful and elegant one on the right, and the pretty one (you have to look through my eyes:) on the left is mine. As amateur as mine is, they both went up on my wall.....to mark an evening so bonded and beautiful.

Thanks Deech, for the idea, the thought, the process and above all for 'showing up' in that moment. An evening that will stay cherished.

Selfhood and the Crucible of Identity

This came in this morning's mail, a write up by Maria Papova....I thought it made an interesting read. so here's excerpts:

In one of his most poignant conversations, the Irish poet and philosopher, O’Donohue considers the trap of identity, the relationship between limitation and wonder, and how the unquestioned confines us to smaller and smaller compartments of ourselves:

"Every human person is inevitably involved with two worlds: the world they carry within them and the world that is out there. All thinking, all writing, all action, all creation and all destruction is about that bridge between the two worlds. All thought is about putting a face on experience… One of the most exciting and energetic forms of thought is the question. I always think that the question is like a lantern. It illuminates new landscapes and new areas as it moves. Therefore, the question always assumes that there are many different dimensions to a thought that you are either blind to or that are not available to you. So a question is really one of the forms in which wonder expresses itself. One of the reasons that we wonder is because we are limited, and that limitation is one of the great gateways to wonder.

[…]

All thinking that is imbued with wonder is graceful and gracious thinking… And thought, if it’s not open to wonder, can be limiting, destructive and very, very dangerous."

Questions invite instant opinions more often than they invite conversation and contemplation — a peculiar terror of wonder that O’Donohue presaged:

"One of the sad things today is that so many people are frightened by the wonder of their own presence. They are dying to tie themselves into a system, a role, or to an image, or to a predetermined identity that other people have actually settled on for them. This identity may be totally at variance with the wild energies that are rising inside in their souls. Many of us get very afraid and we eventually compromise. We settle for something that is safe, rather than engaging the danger and the wildness that is in our own hearts.

Because no composite of fragments can contain, much less represent, all possible fragments, we end up drifting further and further from one another’s wholeness, abrading all sense of shared aspiration toward unbiased understanding. 

                                          

O’Donohue offers a gentle corrective:

… All human being and human identity and human growth is about finding some kind of balance between the privilege and the doom or the inevitability of carrying this kind of world.

Even those remnants are not static and solid ground,   but fluid currents in an ever-shifting, shoreless self — for, as Virginia Wolf memorably wrote, “a self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living.” 

Amritsar da Safar

This one's from mom:

One fine morning I told Smitha that I would like to visit the 'Golden Temple' in Amritsar, and her immediate reaction was "Let's Go".

And when I told Praveen about our plan he said "Yes, that sounds good, and you can make it when I am with Daddy"

Mahi also gave the 'go ahead' signal !!

So it was planned either in June or December cause that's when Praveen visits us every year. June is too hot, December will be too cold, thus ran our thoughts and ultimately we decided on December. The weather reports were scary, and I developed a knee pain, so we were hesitant to take off but decided - Now or Never - and went along.

We booked our trip for 25th of December, little knowing that 23rd to 25th of December are Guru Gobind Singh's birthday celebrations. With all these adversities we set flight, and landed at Amritsar on 25th late afternoon.

First impression of the city is it's rustic, dusty, unfinished look all along, from the airport to our destination - with a Punjabi Homestay in a gated community called Imperial City, with jumbo sized houses and quite isolated from the main city.

But once we met the lady of the house, she brightened the atmosphere with her friendly chatter.

Evening, freshened up with tea in our room and planned to go out, but could not get any taxi or auto. Then just like a godsend the sardarji who brought us from the airport and who by chance gave his cell number to Smitha was contacted and became our man-of-the-trip for all three days. A warm and friendly local guy, Savinder Singh was our guide too.

Day 1:

As we entered the temple area in the evening we were mesmerized by the first sight of the Maharaj Ranjit Singh statue, erected on a huge and beautiful pedestal:

The entire courtyard was well lit, with only walkways for pedestrians, everyone taking pictures and shopping and relaxing on the benches along the road.

That street reminded me of our midnight walk on the streets of Las Vegas.

The people of Punjab are humble, hospitable and friendly. As we entered the Golden Temple, we witnessed a show of fire crackers as finale for the G G Singh anniversary.

I sat near the Amrith Sarovar (lake of nectar) taking in the beauty & serenity of the place, while Smitha and Savinder Singh went around the sarovar.

We had a nice punjabi dinner at Kundan da dhabha and then settled for a good nights rest.

Day 2:

The man-of-the-tour sardarji (or was it our host) suggested that we should make a trip to Sadda Pind (our village) a one hours drive from Amritsar. At one go we could see and feel the art & culture of the people of Punjab. We spent nearly four hours there including a good lunch.

Smitha wheeled me around the village in a wheel chair, so I was able to take it and not feel tired at all and enjoyed the hospitality of the people, starting from mouth watering Makki da roti & Sarson da saag.

Evening we again visited the Dharam Singh market outside the Golden temple, and did a little bit of shopping, mostly paapads.

Day 3

An off-the-routine cross country trip to a place called Tarn Taran. This was not on our plan, but strangely so happened that we chanced upon a Punjab state guide in our room, and Smitha picked up this place. Started off at 9 am. Our man-of-tour advised us to pack and move out in the morning itself, so we could go directly to the airport after the day out. So we had a quick breakfast and bid goodbye to our host Romy ji.

A foggy day, the entire route was lined on both sides with Sarson da keti, bright yellow flowers, it was a beautiful drive, and then we reached the Gurudwara.

Here I should mention that the approach to the Gurudwaras are crowded, chaos everywhere with vehicles and people, but once we reach the inside, it is so beautiful and serene. This Sarovar is bigger than the Golden Temple's, surrounded by rooms for meditation with adjacent historical buildings (it is told that during the anti sikh riots, this place was badly hit)

After an hour or so, we visited the Golden Temple for final darshan. Also a remark by our host and Savinder ji, and others that they were impressed that two ladies, by themselves, had come all the way from Hyderabad just to visit the Golden Temple, and that too on such an auspicious day, is worth mentioning.

This time saw the temple on a wheel chair pushed by an old Sardarji, shooing away everyone around and forcing me to 'mata tek' (touching forhead ) to every corner before entering the sanctum sanctorium, through a special queue for senior citizens. It was nice to be inside the shrine for a few minutes. 

Then finally bidding goodbye to Amritsar & proceeding to the airport just on time.

Thanks to Smitha, I enjoyed the trip.

Immersion '2017

This is a really personal journey. I'm surprisingly finding that, not withstanding extensive diary writing, putting it out here forces yet another perspective.

How?

I get to see it as a finished product.

A diary is all about process. It questions, it meanders, it sorts, it feels, it cries, it holds............here you get to the end. The smile....the pat on the back comes from here.

People have asked me why anybody else would be interested in reading about my life. Valid question?

I don't know. I only know I'm digging deeper and deeper, and sometimes it throws up stuff that can provide perspective. In fact that's what anything does. Whether it's watching a movie, or reading a book, or talking to friends, or reading an interview. Why are reality shows so popular. Why would anybody watch 'big boss'? I've known many who do, in fact even people who get up in the night to watch them sleep. What makes that happen?

The essence is when something out there resonates with the you, when you can make that connection. And use that, in turn, to make a connection into yourself. Get that fresh perspective. Grow with the perspective. It's always about us. Watching or Reading or Writing or What have you.....

The other day Diksha was telling me that there are personal diaries for sale on the net.

I was totally taken aback. I'm like "why would anybody be interested in buying someone else's diary deech?" And she's like, "well, guess it can be interesting ma, how often do you really get to see into another person's mind". (My thought - 'how often do we even look into our own minds?')

That's when the stark difference between process and product hit me. How many of us can claim to know ourselves? be ourselves? emotions, thoughts, feelings....to the extent of being secure enough to be able to 'own' it. 

Not saying I can,  I have my own thresholds, but pushing that boundary is an ongoing process. 

"For most people, the level of self-awareness is quite modest, and we all tend to operate on surface-level emotions and behaviors, adding our own interpretation through a set of complex, sub-conscious perceptual and egoic filters".

Process. The Path.....It's about getting on it.

Unbelievable, but a second try at getting to actual recap, and side tracked again :)

Recap '2017

Yesterday, I was driving past this place near home which has several cute and fancy eating joints, and I found them all lit up, festive, and felt the new year vibe yet alive.

So actually did a glass of wine and went through a recap, a recap of the year that's been. Something I was told I owed myself :)

I figured why. The years been big. Way bigger then I realized. (which is why recaps are so brilliant). In nutshell, what stands out is:

• Shifted living back to Hyderabad
• Completion of the most impactful course I've ever done
• Travel has yet again been phenomenal - 8 trips, of which 4 are to states I've not been to before
• Launching of the next phase in my career
• Consciously, Effortfully and Significantly deepening bonds with each of the people who are special in my life
• The brilliant Sunrises and Moonrises I've connected into, from a train, from flight, and likely, the best ones from home

And I think I need to add, each of these was a conscious effort, a decision. (ok, ok, I won't take credit for the sunrises :). Decisions that took a high level of awareness and thought...and not to forget, 'Risk'.

In this context, there's a couple of quotes that stuck (random jottings, so sadly don't have the author names):

"If you are not willing to risk the usual, you will have to settle for the ordinary"

and this

"She took the leap and built her wings on the way down"

Brilliant stuff. It's the kind of stuff that if imbibed, enables. Enables and empowers you to move beyond what's doled out to you and carve for yourself a life that's about 'living' and not 'existing'. Sure there's pitfalls and at times big gaping holes on the way, (which look at times like they can swallow you whole) ,but that's where you grow your wings too, when needed, again and again and again.

Each of these has so much in terms of real time, and emotional experience that I'm wondering how to write it all in one post.

I'm giving it a shot, as I'm already so connecting into the process....just this looking back and calling out the big ones, gave me opportunity to embrace the year one more time, and in process become more appreciative and grateful, not just for the joys and successes, but for the times I've fallen, and had the shoulders, the support (thanks there to all those who've been there) and the grit to get up and go on again.

This brings to mind a conversation from years back, in Google. Kiran had asked "Smitha, tell me, from where do you get this crazy level of energy, this ability to be more than hundred percent in everything that you do".

I was stumped for a bit. I've had people tell me this, but no one had asked me the 'how'. I was thinking and articulating it likely for the first time. And I found my answer was simple...... "I love life".

This is not to say I do or have something special, not at all.....but surely, to say, it's that simple. And these recaps can tell you why you can love life, it just has so much to offer. You don't need a blog to recap, just pick up that pen and paper, it's just so so worth it.

I've gotten so caught up in just the intro space, that I'll do the rest in next :)

Hiding from the mission

From Seth

We do this in two ways:

The first is refusing to be clear and precise about what the mission is. Avoiding specifics about what we hope to accomplish and for whom. Being vague about success and (thus about failure).

After all, if no one knows exactly what the mission is, it's hard feel like a failure if it doesn't succeed.

The second is even more insidious. We degrade the urgency of the mission. We become diffuse. We get distracted. Anything to avoid planting a stake and saying, "I made this."

It's possible to spend 7 hours and 52 minutes out of an eight-hour day in doing nothing but hiding from the mission. And it's exhausting.

The Home-stay At Amritsar

Each trip I find that there is stuff to write about specific places seen and experienced,, and then there's one very misc one, of times in between, or place of stay, or culture as felt....that kind.

This is that one... the home stay experience.

The house, it's so massive, that I couldn't get it all into one picture.

Once we booked on Air B&B, this is the lovely message I got from Hargun

Once we landed, we had to find it with the map, as neither us nor Savinder was familiar. Mom was like, "what's the name", and I was like "Ma, you wanted a home-stay, it's an actual home, it has no name" :)

Mom with Romy, in her verandah

Inside. This pic is off the confirmation mail though, as we somehow missed taking a picture inside

A street dog outside her house. I was so impressed with my mom, she carried her uneaten sandwich from the flight, 'to give to some dog she said', and she actually found one a day later. The doggy enjoying the Vistara sandwich.

A walk in the colony. The size of the houses are jaw drop unbelievable

Romy and me, the day we were leaving. We felt like friends by then. Her smiling face still comes to mind every once in a while. She's so affectionate, that the second day she waited for me outside to catch me and say, "you're not wearing the right kind of clothes for Amritsar", and gave me her sweater. That sweet.

Mom enjoying her morning cup of coffee in the veranda outside our room. The fog was so thick and beautiful. 

A final picture ...... a Shiva that I just fell in love with it when I saw it at a store outside the Golden Temple, and now sits at home.

Ma, this one's for you.....it's only your desire and will that made this trip come true..... one that will remain in the heart forever.....and ever.