Where Pencils Are Scarce

A picture from our recent trip to Rajasthan that speaks a whole story.

On our way back from the Thar desert, in a still really remote region, we passed this village.....a village which had those typical mud walled houses that we've seen in movies of Rajasthan. None of the earlier villages I'd passed on the highway had this.......and it looked so quaint, that I had to ask the cab driver to stop for a picture.

Soon as the car came to a stop, this little girl comes running out. She's speaking in the local dialect, and she's speaking so fast, we can't tell what she's saying. There's almost desperation in her voice. You can almost see it in the picture. And then she's gesturing, and it took us that little while to realize what she was saying......she was asking for pens or pencils....... something to write with. 

It was such a touching moment......just to be part of her joy at seeing so many pens (was so glad for an old habit of carrying a bunch of pens at all times)........ then the ensuing fight with her little brother who had by then joined in, and how she gave him one pen and kept the rest.

Also a moment when you come to face to face with the apparent mysteries of life......this time a scarcity of a different kind.....one you take so much for granted. Guess it touched deep, as it created some really quiet contemplative time in the car. 

A Doctor Visit That Made Me Cringe

It's taken me two days to even get down to writing about this, guess such was it's impact.

The visit itself, was my dad and me going to see an Orthopedic Surgeon at KIMS, under reference of friends. My father has a knee problem, severe enough to need knee replacement surgery; but during preparation for the surgery he was declared 'not fit' due to the discovery of a major heart aneurysm. This was about ten months ago.

At that point he was faced with a critical decision of a 'yes or no' to an open heart surgery, and after indepth discussion with a senior Pulmonologist, he decided against. They both agreed that at 82, it wasn't the most sensible thing to do. 

It was a life altering time. There was the initial scare of learning about the aneurysm (which he describes as now sitting on a ticking time bomb), plus having to deal with a growingly painful knee, dealing with the limitations of not being able to go out of home....not even to the terrace to feed the birds which had become one of his favorite times of day.

Major shifts........physically, psychologically and emotionally.

Over the ten months I've seen my father spend time and energy exploring and finding ways and means of handling the knee pain....starting from permutations and combinations of painkillers, using a walking stick, ayurvedic thylums, Jaipur braces, imported calipers, cartilege enabling injections. I've watched in admiration at the focused, painful, yet brave ongoing effort.

It's in this context, that this visit happened.  Each foray outside of home is now like an adventure for my father, in terms of effort, paraphernalia and pain. Yet high on hope, as we heard this doctor knows of a stem cell based injectible, we went to see him.

Now for the experience of the visit itself.

We enter and begin to tell him the issue and context, and within the minute we hear "If you've decided against surgery, I don't know what you expect.......there is no other solution"

"the knee is like a machine, there is wear and tear and whatever else you do, it will keep getting worse and the pain will keep getting worse...even if you sit in one place it will deteriorate, I don't even know what you people think"

"You've taken a choice against surgery, you seem to think you know better, why did you even come to see me.........you think I have a magic wand"

"you are growing old, what do you expect, that the body will stay like this?....... it will get worse, it will give way, and it will be painful, and the pain will keep getting worse"

"I don't even know why you've come to me, the questions you ask are exasperating... how can you just listen to one doctors opinion and decide on no surgery....in India, people make a big deal of aneurysms, and even of age, I've operated on a patient who is 103, I don't know what you'll think"

And on and on and on......and in a tone and expression that was outright impatient and rude.

In retrospect, I feel if we buckled even an inch, he'd have had my father on the way to the operating table. 

He was actually provoking fear by repeatedly talking of the worst possible prognosis.

While what he said maybe the truth, the way he said it and the number of times he said it could take the courage and faith out of any living human being, leave alone an ailing and elderly patient.

Like my father later said 'he is not fit to be a doctor'. 

I shiver to imagine how many unsuspecting patients he has shaken up. Also why, when he says orthopedic surgeries are a life style choice, in the very same breath he also so vociferously talks definite deterioration and no other solution.

Dr Srikanth Gollamudi, you are in a caring profession. I wish you'd be able to look beyond your scalpel and your operating table, and actually see the patient and the person. You surely need that magic wand.... to work on yourself.

If I was already wary of the corporate hospitals, as I've had two close calls....two extreme experiences of incorrect diagnosis or treatment, this was like last nail in coffin (guess the subconscious mind does pick up appropriate metaphors)

Make believe problems

From Seth

Make believe problems

We focus on them and elevate them on our priority list.

Sometimes, we invent a fake problem and give it great import and urgency as a way to take our focus and fear away from the thing that's actually a threat. These fake problems have no apparent solution, but at least they give us something to fret over, a way to distract ourselves and the people around us.

And sometimes, we pick a fake problem that has a convenient and easy fake solution. Because, the thinking goes, we're taking action, so things must be getting better.

Short order cooks rarely make change happen. And denying reality doesn't make it go away.

An Old Attachment

The day I moved into our new house in Hyderabad, I noticed that the peepal tree next to the house was almost bare of leaves. In fact on the branch towards the left, I could actually count just three leaves, right on top. It looked so interesting, that I took a picture.

And I called it 'an old attachment' because I am actually quite attached to the tree, to the extent that I took a leaf from the tree with me, all the way to Bangalore, kept it safe all of three years, and even brought it back with me :)

And I guess I'm a little extra prone to symbolization, so I was wondering whether is was a foreboding of endings .......or beginnings.......just some random thoughts that drifted in and out of the mind.

That was on the 10th of April. And today, in exactly seven days, it looks like this

So beautiful to witness the change.......to know and accept the cyclical nature of life, through barrenness and through bloom....to be aware that as the leaves have their seasons, the roots just go deeper each day. After all, isn't nature our best teacher....aren't we part of the same nature too.

How to make diseases disappear

How to make diseases disappear | Rangan Chatterjee | TEDxLiverpool

Interesting watch. Thanks for sharing Ajit.

Want Happiness? Buy Experiences, Not Things

Might even seem obvious.....but here's what Thomas Gilovich, a Cornell Professor has found after studies on the subject over decades

In particular, Gilovich focused on the purchases people make, comparing how they felt spending money on material possessions versus experiential purchases.

"People often think spending money on an experience is not as wise an investment as spending it on a material possession, they think the experience will come and go in a flash, and they'll be left with little compared to owning an item."  But in reality we remember experiences long afterward, while we soon become used to our possessions. "

Gilovich's found that experiences are the glue of our social lives, mattering much more than the latest i-gadget because:

- Experiential purchases enhance social relations more readily and effectively than material goods

- Experiential purchases form a bigger part of a person's identity

- Experiential purchases are evaluated more on their own terms and evoke fewer social comparisons than material purchases. 

Why do material posessions not give us so much joy?

"One of the enemies of happiness is adaptation. We buy things to make us happy, and we succeed. But only for a while. New things are exciting to us at first, but then we adapt to them."

He also described how people tend to have more regrets over inaction for experiences than for possessions. You regret more not going to a concert with friends than not buying a new table.

One big reason for why experiences matter more to us than material objects is that they are inherently social. You usually have an experience with friends or family. That makes them so much more valuable. Experiences also commonly result in storytelling and conversation and, certainly, countless Facebook posts of your vacations photos. 

Turns out people don't like hearing about other people's possessions very much, but they do like hearing about that time you saw Vampire Weekend.

Experiences also reflect more of who we really are. They are closer to our inner selves as we are, 'the sum total of all our experiences' And as such, when they are shared, experiences allow us to get closer to others in a way impossible with inanimate objects that we can buy.

As we march forward as a society, collectively pursuing happiness, it would make sense for us to consider what that happiness can be. A society that works more and more hours and has less time for leisure and experiences, is not likely to be happy.

Time to hit the road and do something memorable?

For You Dhruva

On your birthday Kanna, here's some reminiscences of the years gone by

Your very first year

A couple of lovely, candid moments with Diksha, all the more cherished for being from before advent of the digital camera 

 

With nanna in a very boys will be boys kind of picture,  on a trip to the gangan chukki banganchukki water falls 

An intimate moment with ammamma

Enjoying the train with thatha......his love for trains runs so deep, he'd take you to the station for regular walks to just sit and watch trains go by

With Amit, and avva who looks like she's telling some full action story

And with akkayaammamma (my ammamma) who again told you lots of stories, and i recall the jaambhavanthudu one was your favorite and you'd make her tell you again and again

With Kanthamma, who looked after you all those times i was at work, with so much love and care. She still calls you every birthday (she just had her grandson message me)

This is either Australia or Mangalore....I thought Australia, until i saw the jugs behind, Diksha still thinks it's Australia  :)

                      

As always, kiwi trying to do everything you both did, including read :) 

                           

It was this speech that Republic Day that was the deciding factor in getting you to head boy of the school I think. I remember one line when you said what you want of teachers is that 'they be kind'. A much cherished attribute anywhere kanna.

                             

With kiwi ...some serious and deep communion going on there :)

                    

At Jangareddigudem, at my favoritest spot in the world (also pedha thatha's samadhi)....back then it was still polams (fields) all around . Diksha, Sunita, Evy and You.

                                          

Your gang at Jangareddigudem, Sunita, Diksha, Jyoti, Prashanthi and you

                                     

Looking at this picture reminded me of what you said with wisdom beyond your years. "amma, you can have either goats or a vegetable garden here, you can't do both amma, they eat everything". And we chose goats :)

Remember the geese we took all the way from Hyd by car, and this pond in which not just they, but you, learnt how to swim

Some more rustic fun at jrg

Bonfire time in jangareddigudem again....and fancy picture that :)

At Niagara with ammamma and thatha

Thatha, ammamma, you, Mala aunty, Praveen mama and Diksha, on that wonderful trip to the US that you did without nanna or me :)

Kiwis bday was always special day

Your first time in a suit I think...with Mumu bhabhai and Deech

The number of sankranthi's we've spent on the terrace, kite flying.....thanks to nanna for making sure each of us learnt how to fly kites, it was loads of fun and carries some beautiful memories, especially the night flying with lamps we did each year

A picture which never fails to bring a smile. Both of you spent hours on getting the X box going

At the X box (or was it ps2 ) with friends, Rudhveer, Ravikanth and Vandit

Always lovely to see that board with your name as first headboy of DPS, a picture I insisted on taking when we visited school many a years later

                          

In your Jesus avatar, as diksha and I like to call it

And now. 

It's been a wonderful journey since the moment I held you in my arms all of twenty three years ago......a sweet and animated child, always the favorite, be it with teachers at school or maids at home. And now, so grown up, I love how each time we meet I wonder at how much you've changed. The first child bonding is special ....and I also see and respect, and love the strength you bring, the comfort and ease with which you share, the quiet confidence with which you will ask for the space you need, the silences as also the indepth intense conversations....and depth and maturity with which you see things..... at times way seems more mature than even me, and I'm left gaping...half in surprise and half with pride. God bless ma.

Had to get a mushy last pic in :)

                                    

Have a wonderful birthday Dhruva. I know it's hard work times, but guess that can also be part of the wonder and joy of life.