The 'Maybe' Impact

This was a scene one evening at a cousins place. She's busy preparing dinner and her seven year old comes in to ask if she can watch a particular movie on tv later that evening. The mom says 'we'll see'. The little one's back in twenty minutes, tugging at her sari and asking again 'mommy, can I watch?'. The answer this time is 'maybe sweetie'. Well, sweetie is back in twenty again, with a 'please, pleeeaase mom', and this time she gets a slightly stern ' go do what you want, I'm busy now' from the mom.

What is that really.

Sweetie comes back the fourth time, and this time says 'mom, you know what I'm waiting for right? I'm waiting for a 'yes' or a 'no'

What the child is looking for is a just a clear 'yes' or a 'no'. And if it's a 'no' she will likely want to know why a 'no', and be given the opportunity to state her case, else get convinced that mom has her reasons. Can we care for the child enough to give them that.

The child has it figured out that 'maybe' or 'we'll see' basically meant forget about it, just go away and do something else, just don't bug me. And why is that so? Because mostly the adult does not either know why they're saying 'no' (it's mostly just a conditioned default response) or does not have the patience to explain to the child ( is this what real  respect or love is)

But this is the way most conversations go. Even when we're in adult land. Wanting reason, Stopping the flow of conversation, and Telling the other person what is or isn't working is both helpful and rare. Quite rare. 

As humans we are yet so controlled by the primitive fight or flight response, (the instinctual physiological response to perceived attack) that when caught into a high stakes conversation, an emotionally driven conversation, most people resort to differing forms of silence or violence. Instead of making the effort to ensure that honest thoughts and feelings are expressed, people just defend their own ideas, or attack others ideas, or walk away in silence......either way suppressing emotions or drawing inaccurate conclusions.

Sadly, a majority of people are caught in negatively spiraling thoughts,  negativity trumps positivity , and people are hard wired to look for threat, then respond with aggression or run. 

This explains why it’s common for even a simple meaningful conversation to turn into a debate, a debate into an argument, and an argument into a verbal duel. We’re hardwired to take it there. Or to retract into silence. 

However, the good news is that there is a third possibility. What if we use awareness to know when we are getting caught in that situation, know what our triggers are, and then let the other know what it's doing to us personally........ a more balanced alternative. 

Try it. Even in the middle of a heated discussion, it's possible to pull the stopper and say:

“You know, when you raise your voice, speak with so much stress, go beyond the current facts, it's not working for me. Instead of listening and believing, I feel pressured, and I find myself resisting what you’re saying."

Stopping and discussing what you believe is happening to your conversation can feel odd. After all, it’s rarely done, whether you’re seven or seventy. Nevertheless, it can be done. And I think ought to be done.

And think of the positives. You would not only have healthier and more authentic relationships, but you'd have so many chances for genuine feedback, and thereby insights and growth. We all have our blind spots, and what a wonderful way to have it pointed out.

Sounds tough...sounds implausible, but it's really not. Try it, and you might see the equation function at an even higher frequency.