Open & Honest Communication

Honestly......how much of open & honest communication do we really do

Even where and when it's needed.

We might have an aching back, a child with a sinus attack, a father ill in hospital, but when a colleague asks 'how are you', we'd say 'fine, thank you'. Now, that is really fine, because they're in reality only saying Hi.

But how much do we stretch that.

Over the years, how much do these shallow, ritualistic responses, the little white lies, and defensive stilted responses become so ingrained that we find it difficult to communicate directly, honestly and openly even with friends, family...people who matter to us.

Sure with friends and family, there is more conversation, more time spent.....yet, how much of that is taken over by details of daily living..... stories from others lives......information from public space and such. How much are we able to express all that we honestly want to. 

I read somewhere 'when we try to be honest we often get into hot water, so we learn to keep our mouths shut and to hide our true feelings. We learn to talk facts and thoughts and not feelings. That, it appears, is the only way to get along in the world. And there is no question it helps grease the wheels of ordinary day-to-day living.

We continue to assure ourselves, however, that when it comes to anything really important, we will be able to go back to being forthright. Unfortunately it isn't that easy'

Is it that in the practice of the ritualistic talking, even when we need to be honest and open, we've forgotten how?

Especially so with people who are important to us. Do we have it in us to wade through the rituals, move beyond the details and engage in authentic conversations when needed.

Authentic conversations are what enable authentic relationships.

Richard Francisco, a Lecturer at the Stanford Graduate School of Business and a psychologist at San José State University has a model of communication where he talks of different levels of communication and asks how comfortable we are in shifting levels when needed.

There's a lot of recent studies and research on couples, where it's been found that many couples believe that they know a lot more about one another than they in fact do know.  And the findings point up the need for greater communication between partners, especially husbands and wives. 

'Most people seemed to end up guessing, and guessing apparently doesn't work. Unless you tell your mate how you feel, he or she will be forced to guess, and the strong likelihood is that the guess will be wrong.

If you want your mate to stop guessing about your feelings and motives, you have to be prepared to reveal yourself. And in order to reveal yourself you have to know yourself. You can't talk openly and honestly with your mate until you have tried being honest with yourself first.

Level with yourself. Take time off to be alone, and use that time not just in passive meditation but to carry on an active inner dialogue with yourself, between the person you think you are and the inner you that operates at gut level. Communicating with yourself involves revelation, self analysis and re-evaluation. Change is impossible otherwise.'

It's possible with increasing degrees of self awareness.....and is worth the authentic spaces of being that it enables.