How to get and use feedback that really helps

We are all pretty good at giving feedback, ever ready with our advice and get better statements, but really, how many of us are equally good at receiving feedback. There’s tons of reading material and trainings regarding how to give feedback the right way. But to receive it? A totally different ball game and no training whatsoever. Are we naturally good at it? Afraid not :(

                             

                             

First, do we even want feedback? Isn't this about others opinions? And we don't want to be inflicting pain on ourselves based on others opinions? Sure, all true.

Yet, there are places and spaces where it matters to our own objective, to what we want to achieve, to where we want things to be, be they in tasks or in relationships, and those are the ones I'd look at here. We need to be aware of that, so first thing to remember; yes, it is the others opinion, so you pick the opinions based on what you're looking to achieve.

Secondly, it's also not easy to really listen to feedback. There’s typically a reaction of, ‘Yeah, I see what you’re saying but I do this because….duh, duh, duh…..’. Very polite, but very defensive, we’re always ready with the justification for why we behave in that particular way. We tend to shift responsibility off of ourselves. It's a huge challenge to stop that and really listen. 

Thirdly, it's actually hard to get useful feedback. People like to be nice to you, else they're intimidated by the level of honesty expected. So you need to make an effort at convincing them that you're doing this as a serious exercise. A few things you can explicitly convey:

Tell them you're serious about listening, that you don't want them to be just nice

Tell them it's about going forward and not what you did wrong. Makes it easier to say and to listen.

Listen without getting defensive, you're asking for their feedback remember.

Feedback is not disapproval or criticism, and it may be hard to hear the truth but viewed as a tool for improvement, it is very useful to improve our personal impact, communication and interaction skills.

Let’s try and and get that in from those who matter, be it at home, friends or at work. Your area of influence essentially. And from those whose opinion you respect.

Also, keep in mind and pick out the feedback which is actually about you; that's like a trick space.

There could be ones which fall in between ( like a personality difference), like for instance, when I did this exercise with Diksha last year, she said she feels yelled at at times, and that took me so much by surprise, because, I thought I never ever do it. But obviously she's perceiving it, and if my objective is a rational communication at all times, I would need to listen to her, though it's not necessarily about me.

What you do with the feedback, whether you want to do anything at all, discerning which one is about you, which falls in between, which ones needed, all that is next steps; Let’s first get it, listen to it, and then we can always decide 'which' and 'how' to fit in.

You can have your list of questions for the feedback, but if it helps, I've decided to do this exercise with this: 

1. Tell me three things that you think I’m good at and should keep doing.

2. Tell me three things about me which you think need change

If you think you're up for it, try it...... If nothing, it’ll at least be that many interesting conversations :)