Did I miss writing

And how....

Ever since I started to blog (which is over two years now) , I don't think I've ever been this low on writing. The gaps I used to allow myself were the travel gaps, so this made me wonder. I was very much in Bangalore, not in a full time job, the course gave me enough time.....yet I wasn't writing.

It made me step back and look deeper into the space. What's that relationship made off. ( the me with my writing one :)

And I got some startling answers.

It's pretty literally space to connect into oneself. 

Writing can be ( is) in essence such an internal process, like a space inside of you that you make connection with........it's space to feel, to process, to be. And when that space gets taken up by other stuff, be it the life of detail, the demands of relationships, the concerns on specific issues, deeper internal processing........poof, it takes away this space.

My clock might show me available hours, but the connect may not happen. The mind space is taken see.....

Guess I did yesterday's post on 'know thyself' for a reason (nothing happens without reason). Maybe actually used 'meta cognition' to see what's up....look to what's blocking....all that jazz.

Made me all over again understand what being in the flow is....and to watch for how we can unknowingly, in a default kind of way, slowly drift off. And then to make a conscious choice; let the drift be for a while, the reason makes sense.... alternatively, to reconnect.

Taking the choice makes you realize that 'writing happens not when one has time, but to enable that time'. Time is not a concept out there....it's the clarity inside the head........and that's what enables a lot of time, time to do all the things you want to do.

Know Thyself

Self Awareness is that huge first step (or rather process) to being in more centered and conscious space....living life from the pilots seat rather than letting others or even your own emotions drive you.

Like Carl Jung says "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate"

In this context, this particular chapter from 'Emotional Intelligence' by Daniel Goleman gives good context on how, the seemingly obvious ' I know what I'm feeling',  is not as simple as it seems.

He starts with a little story, and then I've put excerpts:

"A belligerent samurai, an old Japanese tale goes, once challenged a Zen master to explain the concept of heaven and hell. But the monk replied with scorn, "You're nothing but a lout—I can't waste my time with the likes of you!" 

His very honor attacked, the samurai flew into a rage and, pulling his sword from its scabbard, yelled, "I could kill you for your impertinence." 

"That," the monk calmly replied, "is hell." 

Startled at seeing the truth in what the master pointed out about the fury that had him in its grip, the samurai calmed down, sheathed his sword, and bowed, thanking the monk for the insight. 

"And that," said the monk, "is heaven." 

The sudden awakening of the samurai to his own agitated state illustrates the crucial difference between being caught up in a feeling and becoming aware that you are being swept away by it. 

It might seem at first glance that our feelings are obvious; more thoughtful reflection reminds us of times we have been all too oblivious to what we really felt about something, or awoke to these feelings late in the game. 

Such self-awareness would seem to require an activated neocortex, particularly the language areas, attuned to identify and name the emotions being aroused. 

At its best, self-observation allows just such an equanimous awareness of passionate or turbulent feelings. It manifests itself as a slight stepping-back from experience, a parallel stream of consciousness that is "meta": hovering above or beside the main flow, aware of what is happening rather than being immersed and lost in it. 

This awareness of emotion is the fundamental emotional competence on which others, such as emotional handling, build. Self-awareness, in short, means being "aware of both our mood and our thoughts about that mood," 

Self-awareness can be a nonreactive, nonjudgmental attention to inner states. But Mayer finds that this sensibility also can be less equanimous; typical thoughts bespeaking emotional self-awareness include "I shouldn't feel this way," "I'm thinking good things to cheer up," and, for a more restricted self-awareness, the fleeting thought "Don't think about it" in reaction to something highly upsetting. 

When we say "Stop that!" to a child whose anger has led him to hit a playmate, we may stop the hitting, but the anger still simmers. The child's thoughts are still fixated on the trigger for the anger, and the anger continues unabated. 

Much of emotional life is unconscious; feelings that stir within us do not always cross the threshold into awareness. Empirical verification of this comes, for instance, from experiments on unconscious emotions. 

Any emotion can be—and often is—unconscious. The physiological beginnings of an emotion typically occur before a person is consciously aware of the feeling itself. For example, when people who fear snakes are shown pictures of snakes, sensors on their skin will detect sweat breaking out, a sign of anxiety, though they say they do not feel any fear. The sweat shows up in such people even when the picture of a snake is presented so rapidly that they have no conscious idea of what, exactly, they just saw, let alone that they are beginning to get anxious.

As such preconscious emotional stirrings continue to build, they eventually become strong enough to break into awareness. Thus there are two levels of emotion, conscious and unconscious. Emotions that simmer beneath the threshold of awareness can have a powerful impact on how we perceive and react, even though we have no idea they are at work.

But once that reaction is brought into awareness, we can evaluate things anew.   In this way emotional self-awareness is the building block of the next fundamental of emotional intelligence: handling the emotion.

Making the unconscious conscious, identifying and labeling emotions, is that first critical step. 

An Owl Spotting

Walks to Lalbagh seem to have become a periodical feature on the blog, but then, goes to show what beauty they potentially contain.

And this one was extra exciting because we spotted an Owl, which for some reason has always been mysterious favorite bird....maybe from an attachment made in Bambi (it was diksha's growing up favorite)....or just those big big eyes which seem to see it all....

Chances are you won't see it here :)

so, here's a zoomed pic

Guess, this was a bird spotting day...there was a huge beautiful falcon up there in that tree....and while it's not visible clearly in the picture, I still thought the picture in itself was pretty enough

I can't seem to go out with Diksha, without at some point catching her talking to a  doggy on the street...I don't get how that happens, but it sure does. This was a real early morning walk, where even the street lights hadn't gone off.

As it seems bird themed, I can't not have one of the ducks, especially as they were all swimming towards me :)

This was just so pretty....these pink wild flowers blooming by the lake

Well, why leave the crows out. That's my meditation enclave, and they all just line up there waiting for the good souls who come and feed them everyday

If it's Lalbagh, I can't possibly leave out the Pelicans

Nor a sunrise :)

This is picture courtesy Diksha. I took three pictures of those trees, but her picture looks best

At this point, just feeling a great sense of gratitude for having Lalbagh within walking distance of home

Mindfulness In Challenging Conversations

A Mental Trick to Help with Challenging Conversations

Excerpts from a write up in the Harvard Business Review

Imagine the colleague with whom you have a very challenging relationship, the person who makes the most innocuous conversation tense and uncomfortable. 

Once you can visualize that person vividly and even viscerally, imagine the following scenario: You’re sitting at your desk working away when a message from that person pops up on your screen. You open the message and it reads: “I got the draft presentation you sent. I caught a couple of mistakes, and I have some ideas for how to make it better. I’ll drop by your office at 3 PM to discuss.”

How does that email make you feel: angry, defensive, or anxious? Are you suddenly looking for an excuse to be out of the office at 3 PM? All of those are very common reactions. Many people would think, “What a jerk, looking for mistakes in my presentation!” or “Yeah, I BET she has a few ideas — she thinks she’s so smart!”

Now, wipe that person out of your mind. Instead, conjure up the colleague with whom you get along really well, the person who always has your back. This is the person you go to when you want to calibrate on an important issue. Once you have that person in mind, imagine this scenario: You’re sitting at your desk working away when a message from the person pops up on your screen. You open the message and it reads: “I got the draft presentation you sent. I caught a couple of mistakes, and I have some ideas for how to make it better. I’ll drop by your office at 3 PM to discuss.”

Now how do you feel: Relieved? Grateful? you’re probably interested in and looking forward to the conversation. You may even fill up the candy dish on your desk in anticipation.

That’s how profoundly your assumptions and prejudices affect your perceptions. What’s worse is that if you consider how differently the meeting at 3 PM will go, the exact same message from two different people leads to radically different outcomes.

In the meeting with the supposed adversary, you assume the worst, and perhaps without even realizing it, your mindset, your response, and especially your body language become negative and resistant. Seeing your behavior, your colleague gets defensive and hostile in return, which begets (and justifies) more deeply adversarial behavior from you, and so on. The result is that you both shut down, trust erodes, and the organization loses a chance to get a better outcome.

In stark contrast, in the meeting with your perceived ally, you assume the best, and your words and actions demonstrate openness and even enthusiasm for the ideas. You share and learn, the quality of the work improves, and the trust between you grows.

The best antidote to this destructive dynamic is mindfulness. Being aware of the assumptions you’re making gives you an opportunity to reverse the ill effects of your prejudices.

Framing concerns as situational doesn’t preclude negative feelings about your colleague’s behavior, but the situational interpretation will feel much less adversarial and judgmental and will lead to a more productive interaction. If you master that approach, push yourself to the next step and search for a positive motive behind words and actions that you resent.

Still, to reap the full benefit of this mindful approach, you have one more step: Show outwardly the curiosity you’re modeling internally. Ask a question to demonstrate your openness to your colleague’s perspective: “You think I should take the presentation in a different direction. What is your vision for where to take the story?” 

See how the conversation is immediately transformed. Now it’s two people trying to solve a problem together instead of two people in a tug-of-war over who is more right. As soon as you change this framing for the conversation, you engage a different part of the brain, leading to a much more constructive discussion.

Only when you become mindful of your biases can you choose a more constructive path. Positive assumptions make you open to progress; negative assumptions mire you in the past. It’s time to get over your prejudices and start being mindful of how to get value from everyone on your team.

Birthday Bakra

I haven't been much of a radio listener, essentially preferring to listen to my own select songs on CD. But three days back I tuned into the radio in the car, and happened to catch the birthday bakhra by pandit prithvi on 94.3.

It was this most silly and obnoxious idea  ( something about an innovative formula that converts cowdung to concrete, and being used to cover the potholes of Bangalore roads, and needing fresh dung, so taking the cows along), like it was that ridiculous. 

Yet the listener ( apparently a biogas specialist) listened respectfully with neither disdain nor belief, like no real drama......so the joke was really not on the listener......but on the 'how' it was done.

I'm typically not given in to slapstick kind of humour ( I consider myself a fairly serious kind of person, and friends who know me will confirm the low rating on a sense of humor scale) yet, the deliverance of that bakhra thingy was so well done, that it had me in splits. I was driving by myself, and I almost got concerned, because my eyes started to tear up, and I just couldn't stop laughing, especially when prithvi himself burst out laughing without even completing the story. It was all in the way it was delivered I guess. And I write because, it can still bring up the smile.

Pandit Prithvi, take a bow dude, you were spectacular. Almost making me forget the potholes of Bangalore. And I've been listening since, and I really like your song selection too. So, from a new convert....Keep it going Radio One team !!

Empathy Builds On Self Awareness

Empathy builds on self-awareness; the more open we are to our own emotions, the more skilled we will be in reading feelings, our own as well as 'others'.

Self-awareness is the skill of being aware of and understanding your feelings and emotions as they occur, and as they evolve. It is not that emotions by themselves are either positive or negative....maybe a better way would be to think of them as appropriate or inappropriate. The feelings will happen, they come from an emotional brain, that's as real as the cognitive brain, and it's power is extraordinary.

And as your awareness grows, you'll start to recognize them even as they happen, and you then get a chance to figure what might have triggered them, if they're appropriate or not, and then design your behavior accordingly. You're in more conscious behavior space.

Self awareness is pretty much directly correlated to empathy. The higher your awareness of self, the higher will be your ability to empathize, to genuinely understand the other. The quality of self-awareness promotes (although it does not always guarantee) the development of ‘other' awareness. And needless to say, this is a useful attribute in a vast array of life arenas, from sales and management to romance and parenting, to compassion and political action.

"In tests with over seven thousand people in the United States and eighteen other countries, the benefits of being able to read feelings included being better adjusted emotionally, more sensitive, more outgoing, and, perhaps not surprisingly, more popular. And Empathy, it should be no surprise to learn, helps with romantic life." - Daniel Goleman

Here's also a piece I read on this in Psychology Today:

"Here's an interesting caveat; if self-awareness, and empathy by association, are evolutionary imperatives shared by higher functioning species, why is it that human beings can exercise a lack of empathy? It is because we choose to do so.

Chimpanzees, gorillas, bottle-nosed dolphins and elephants all demonstrate unbidden and unconditional empathy toward their brethren whenever the situation calls for it. Yes, chimpanzees will hunt (with spears, no less), kill and eat bush babies (another type of monkey), but it is unlikely that we will ever witness the primate equivalent of Rwanda or holocaust, or even apartheid.

It would appear, once again, that the very thing that makes us human - free will -- continues to be our greatest obstacle and challenge, even in the face of a force as relentless as evolution."

One way to think about talent

From Seth

If you've worked hard for it, it's a skill.

If it's something that other people have that you believe you can't possibly achieve, it's a talent.

Of course, they think the same thing about your skill, don't they?

Being jealous of talents that are actually skills is a great way to let yourself off the hook and make yourself miserable at the same time.