the most awkward thoughts....

"the most awkward thoughts, are the ones that need the most airing" 

I heard this line recently, and it so resonated.

Most times these are feelings......likely deep feelings that mean much....yet stay hidden, unspoken, invisible...often times even to oneself.  They are there...felt...yet their recognition and understanding often happens only through their articulation. 

Often times these are in the category ....... want to express, need to express, is good to express. Yet we don't.  These are the scary emotions, the dark ones, the fearful ones, the vulnerable ones. 

What stops us?

Fear of judgement....of not being understood....of being criticized....and so on, even with our innermost circle. It's as much about trusting the other, as trusting oneself. 

These are a large part of creating real connection, honest connection, meaningful relationships.

From my experience as therapist I see this so often. People saying things they've never said to anybody before. Now isn't that a matter of concern. What kind of relationships are we keeping that we can't find even that one, two or three people who will understand.

It maybe worthwhile to examine our own spaces. How much of this are we doing.

Can we overcome that fear and let our awkward thoughts surface? Give that other person a chance of being there, of giving, of understanding. Give ourselves the chance of honest expression. It's the deepest bonds you can build, for them, and for yourself.  

Enables becoming a more honest expression of yourself.

As Carl Jung said "the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are"

things that delight....

Is it possible today to focus on things that delight ?

Is it even fair?

In terms of context, reference is to the really difficult stuff that's going on around us right now.

The CAA....it's so hard to stay immune...near impossible to have civil discussion on it without getting someone upset, or for that matter without me getting upset, especially when talking to someone within the friend or family circle. Honestly, it's stuff that makes my blood boil...I can deal with the modi's and the amit shah's of the world, but when your own friends support it, my thresholds crumble. 

And we have Assam and Kashmir.

The heart wrenching pictures of the bush fires of Australia, be it people or the wild life.

How do we hold onto things that delight?

That's when you acknowledge the magnitude of the human heart and mind. It's paradoxical nature. How you can empathize and care.....and yet give, and feel delight.

How wonderful it is when you make others feel nice about themselves...... when someone says something that makes you feel nice about yourself..... how wonderful it is to see a peacock in full splendour.......how cute it is to see this dog that plays with you and then goes and finds a nice pile of leaves to cozy up in.......it's stuff that warms the heart.

The peacock and the dog from my kbr walk this morning......telling me it's always possible to find delight !

5 years ago, this day it seems :) :)

I received this from Sagari this morning.

A photo with the caption "5 years ago, this day it seems" :):)

This was the picture......a google rediscover on her phone, of a trip to Jaipur we'd done together, and yes, quite obviously 5 years ago. Who cross checks on google, right !?!

It set off so many memories for us. Starting right from how spontaneously this trip had come about.

I remember I was with SELCO at Bangalore, and she was still with Google. She'd messaged saying she was going on a one day work visit to Jaipur and would I like to join and make a trip out of it, and that's all it took.

Recall of memories included listening to sufi music all the way from Jaipur to Ajmer, the darga chaadar experience we both loved, the pushkar ghats......and chilly nights on the terrace of the haveli she'd booked us into (in picture) over wine and intimate conversation.... sure was a nice trip.

Thanks Sags, for having evoked those wonderful memories....and I guess part thanks to google rediscover too ....and needless to say, onboard on your idea of a road trip this year :)

An early morning dupe

Well, maybe I should say 'almost' dupe

Rather early in the morning, around 6 am, I was at the petrol bunk, likely the first car. It was a chill morning and the guys were still having their morning cup of chai.

I waited for them to finish and then said "diesel for 1500".

As is habit, I got off to check the zero setting on the meter before he started.

When I was getting my card swiped, I happened to look at the meter... and it was at 1200, and to my surprise I heard the click of it going off.

At first I thought I had got something wrong. I asked the guy who was handling the card machine why it was going off at 1200.... and that's when I saw the whole conspiracy play out.

The guy had the audacity to say "no, it was at 1500"......one guy realizing I wasn't going to take it..... pretending to yell at the other guy.... one acting as if he hadn't heard....all clearly evident  drama.

Only when I got off and said I'd report it, not just to their manager but with their names to the petrol company did they take me seriously....and then added in fuel for another 300.

I was (am) shocked at the ease with which they were cheating. And no small amount..... Rs.300 on a single transaction. How many of us check before and after. How many will not have caught that click. How many times have I missed it in the past, as I now recall often wondering why the fuel meter was indicating lesser than I'd bought.

Huge early morning lesson....and moral of the story: Checking the zero setting at the beginning isn't enough......need to ensure it reads right at end too.

A parable

I heard a little story this morning, a Jewish parable from the Torah:

It’s about a ship that is sailing, and there are many cabins. And one of the people in the cabins on the lower floor decides to dig a hole in the floor of his cabin, and does so, and sure enough, the ship begins to sink. And the other passengers suddenly discover what’s going on and see this guy with a hole in the floor. And they say, “What are you doing?” And he says, “Well, it’s my cabin. I paid for it.” And down goes the ship

It’s a story that talks about human responsibility, that we’re all in the same ship together, be it in a community, a country, or closer home a family or a relationship. What does it mean for us to be that person? And where have we been only focusing on my cabin and me-me-me and where are we not part of a “we”? 

And then the question is, what is the “we,” because the boundaries of what is “we “are a choice.

Deceptive perceptions

Year endings.....year beginnings

Times for reviews and recaps......and outlooks and resolutions

When I was asked about the year that was, while a few things came to mind, travel wasn't one of them. It's only when I was closing out my 2019 spreadsheet that I realized I had done quite a bit of travel after all, and just for that.....just for not even having realized it, it's worth recapping:

1. March '19 - Udaipur and Mount Abu with Mom: this was such a lovely trip, starting right from it's inspiration which came from Dhadak, a movie which as we were watching she casually said 'udaipur looks so nice, would be nice to go'. And go we did !

And this sterling board said it right 'holiday differently'. It was so lovely, that we reminiscence about it rather often too. 

2. April '19 - Kaleshwaram Lift Irrigation Project: While this wasn't travel in the true sense, it was such an awesome trip, that it just had to come in here. Was great in terms of geography, geology, history in the making....walking through tunnels into which water would flow soon making it forever inaccessible after. Quite a momentous feel. Was a trip with Praveen, Dhruva and Diksha.

3. April '19 - Goa with Sujata : A wonderful week long trip that included so so many fun elements.....road trip to Goa, the art exhibition, laatori every day after the exhibition, a tattoo, longest walk on the beach, ferrying the car to divar island...and that list goes on

4. May '19 - Goa with Vishakha : If Goa with Sujata included so many different elements, this one was about the beach, walking, drinking, talking, walking, drinking, talking... that's all we did all three days. It was a we and us time.....simply beautiful

5. June '19 - Coimbatore with Deech : An impulsively planned road trip, a thing between Deech and me. And a first with a zoom car hire, which was quite the adventure, as this picture shows. Reached late, stormy weather....massive fun. Like diksha recalled the other day in some context 'some crazy stuff we've both done together' .

6. July '19 - Perth with Deech : The big one. Sending off Diksha into her dream career path, a wild life conservation program in Perth. This was again an intense trip, starting from a nail biting start of almost missing the flight, onto her settling into campus life, me in an air b&b, exploring Jundaloop........and coming back without her. (the picture in my air bnb...symbolizing the start of my living alone)

7. October '19 - Auroville by myself : A long standing desire fulfilled. I'd been wanting to do Auroville for a really long time, as also a solo trip and this fulfilled both. A place not just to see but to experien....,  this one was like appetizer. Was so fascinating, I know I want to go back.

In between all this was two trips to Bangalore.

A total of nine trips in twelve months....a nice enough number but more significantly quite a few new and not to not mention, adventurous experiences. It's the kind of widening of horizons that I simply love.

Now to see how 2020 doles out travel possibilities :)

Joy

Such a little word........one that holds so much.

Joy need not be just about pleasure or happiness...........it can be that deep feeling of being connected, feeling well put together.

And it's beautiful because this can be 'your' space, pretty much... no matter what.

It can be the space from which you operate, your internal resource. It's from where you step out to handle the varied facets of life. Sure, in the middle of a storm, your energies go into handling and weathering the storm, but when you have this internal space of joy, you know you'll go back there......and likely, coming from there, you'll also be better equipped to handle those storms, the curved balls that life throws at you.

The curved balls are also what life is about.

According to the 'tao te ching', you stay stuck in the same problem until you learn, but once learnt,  you move ahead.....and then... life is waiting to throw you the next googly....after all growth is about  increasing level of difficulty.

And that's when holding the space of joy 'enables'

On the start of the new year, the new decade........this is one choice we can take :)