Maturity

Any book on wisdom will tell us;  

'be in the present'

'it's the 'here and now'

'all you have is the present moment'

As with any quote or cliche, we know everything is nuanced...contextual...so also this.  There is no absolute truth. 

In the absolute, a "here and now" "be in the present" can strip life of depth and meaning. 

It is not about letting go of ones past or ones future, it's about the ability to hold both in each present moment.

Every thing that makes us what we are today is from our past, from the experiences we have, the connections we make, the meaning we've derived, the stories we hold....... to let go of all that would be to deprive ourselves of a lot that matters.

The future matters.. isn't everything I do or learn or teach or be also a step into the future...doesn't it hold my dreams. My dreams that took birth in my past, have brought me to my present and hold hope and trust and faith into the future, my next moments....

Can we expand the present moment to hold the past, the present and the future.

That is what enriches and empowers one to love life.

In this context, a write up on maturity by well known poet David Whyte, resonated:

"MATURITY is the ability to live fully and equally in multiple contexts; most especially, the ability, despite our grief and losses, to courageously inhabit the past, the present and the future all at once. The wisdom that comes from maturity is recognized through a disciplined refusal to choose between or isolate three powerful dynamics that form human identity: what has happened, what is happening now and what is about to occur.

Immaturity is shown by making false choices: living only in the past, or only in the present, or only in the future, or even, living only two out of the three.

Maturity is not a static arrived platform, where life is viewed from a calm, untouched oasis of wisdom, but a living elemental frontier between what has happened, what is happening now and the consequences of that past and present; first imagined and then lived into the waiting future.

Maturity calls us to risk ourselves as much as immaturity, but for a bigger picture, a larger horizon; for a powerfully generous outward incarnation of our inward qualities and not for gains that make us smaller, even in the winning.

Maturity beckons also, asking us to be larger, more fluid, more elemental, less cornered, less unilateral, a living conversational intuition between the inherited story, the one we are privileged to inhabit and the one, if we are large enough and broad enough, moveable enough and even, here enough, just, astonishingly, about to occur."

Waking Life

This is by far one of the most trippy movies I've seen.

It's a character walking around from one dream to another, the dream pulsating with more life and depth than real life is. In those dreams meeting people who throw out these  articulate, intelligent, probing ideas and theories on the meaning and purpose of existence.

It's the kind of questions and conversation that you might ask as you're growing up, and then adult life takes over and we are perforce moulded into norms and expectations. We move from 'what is the purpose' to 'what did you eat, or which mutual fund gives best returns'.

It's like literally trippy. When I asked a friend if she'd seen it, she said "is that the one where the thing is always in movement, in ripples, and nothing is static?" "That's how it feels when you're on LSD....it's a whole different dimension of experience" :)

It's so difficult to watch even visually, that I had to spread it over five days, else my head was beginning to spin for being unable to focus, plus to process those crazily intellectual and philosophical thoughts that are put there in abundance.

The movie has no real story, it's like listening in on someone else's fascinating conversations....as intriguing as crazy....i read the phrase 'deliriously verbal' somewhere which I think describes it best. 

It once again wakes you up to life, and ironically enough through dreams.

It's a Richard Linklater film, and he's so experimental...I've loved his films (the before sunrise, before sunset series), and I actually found this by searching for his movies. Will need another watch for sure.

A Quote I'm Pondering

“Those who do not weep, do not see.” — Victor Hugo

The more I think about it, the more profound I find it. 

This one I came across today in Tim Ferris's (of the Tribe of Mentors fame) weekly mail. In fact I  subscribe to it more for the quote he picks than anything else, as I find them nicely thought provoking.

This quote becomes profound from two angles:
one - how significantly it expands the scope of life experience, and ironically,
two - how much we are restrained from being there

Our deepest connections, our deepest joys, sorrows, fears, successes and failures.......they are all emotions. They are experienced in the space of feelings. And the more you tune in .... the more you nurture them, the more they expand experience.

The source for each is the same..........joys and sorrows, tenderness and vulnerability, achievement and failure....are all felt in the same space.

You limit one, you limit the other.

The expectation seems to be that you can feel joy, express joy........but not the other sticky feelings. Expectation seems to say (be it societal norms... our own near ones, and funnily enough, from self as well) that we 'shouldn't feel sorrow' 'shouldn't cry', or worse, you'll hear..... 'don't be a sissy' 'how weak are you' 'boys don't cry' 'how can an adult cry'. It's stifled right through.

We talk about finding ones passion.....but somehow seem to believe it has to give us only joy. How does one draw the line between passion for things we do, but not for the connections we make.....for the nice and positive emotions, but not for the intense and difficult ones. We want to get picky. Uh ..uh....not happening.

It's a package deal. Connect in. Embrace the feeling.

The mantra  is 'feelings, thoughts and actions aligned'.........the space of integrity.

And what's beautiful is that this alignment enables the deepest peace and fulfillment...it's what can be called true happiness, the one that comes from finding meaning and flow.

Carl Jung says it best: "if you're not in touch with your inner emotions, it's like having a colour television, and watching it in black and white".

or Kahlil Gibran - "weep all your tears, to laugh all your laughter"

and even Sadhguru today - "there is no substitute for involvement, where there is no involvement, there is no life"

Let's embrace that - get in touch with our selves, our full full selves

Go find a ladder

From Seth

While it might be fun (or appear expedient, or brave, or heroic) to try to scale a cliff with no tools, it turns out that ladders are a more effective way to level up.

When it’s time to drive a nail, a hammer is a lot more useful than a rock. Even if you have to invest in obtaining one.

Often, we spend most of our time throwing ourselves at the wall instead of investing the time to find a useful ladder instead.

Perhaps, instead of restating our audacious goals, we spent more time finding useful tools – insights, skills, trust, attention, access – instead.

It’s worth the search.

Another of Diksha's Puppy Rescues

This one started with a call at one in the night "ma, wake up please ma....ma listen......there's a puppy, he looks injured, he's alone......can I please bring him home?". 

A couple of sleepy questions and she had her 'okay'.

She's not home for an hour after, and finally comes to wake me up again with "ma, get up no, I took him to a clinic and got his shots and all....help me settle him in".  I don't even know why I bother saying 'no diksha' at first, because within ten minutes I'm searching for old towels and bowls.

Story was that, returning from a night show she found him lying in the middle of the road. She got off to put him on the kerb, and then found he was injured. As she was trying to figure, a car with a mom and daughter stopped by, but the mom was in a rush and they left.....then another car with another woman stopped, and Diksha says she was so helpful.

Together they took the puppy to Dr.Dog's, a round the clock dog clinic, where they got his wound cleaned and he got antibiotic shots as he seemed to have a severe infection.

Then the scene shifted home.

Next morning I'm only peeping at him through the window, but Diksha goes.... feels his pulse, looks in his eye and came back with "ma, I think he's dying....I need to take him to the doctors, and if they feel they can't treat him, I'll have him put down.... can you come "

I decided to go along. And I had this big question in my head "If he's sick, where's he going to stay...... if he dies, what are we going to do... if he gets better also, then what ", but Diksha was too focused and resolute on the puppy to even broach a discussion. Actually I tried, but was quickly put down with "ma, he's struggling to even breath, can we just look at this now please, rest I'll figure, don't worry...I'm already looking for places"

We drive to the docs, the AllVet clinic which is Diksha's favourite. While Diksha was holding the puppy, I'm telling the doc the story, and somewhere half way through I find myself choking on ...."I think he's dying as I speak, can you please look".

It's at that moment that I realized that Diksha's nerves were made of different mettle. I needed to wipe tears, but she held the puppy through the examination, the yelping, the cleaning, the saline....it's not nerves, it's a different kind of love....just so beautiful to even be witness to.

The whole of yesterday was pretty much puppy day. Saline done in the morning, they had asked us to try feeding it, else bring it back. It was way too weak even evening, take it back was the only option. 

Treatment done, search for  bigger carton done, back home and puppy tucked in..... and we're now off to get Diksha's shots. The last time round that she had done eight puppies they were clean and mother was around so we'd done no shots. This one was a whole different story. It had all signs of illness, bad signs. 

In fact the night he came he was frothing at the mouth, and I'm asking "Deech, I get how you feel, but to expose yourself like this is bit much no" and I get in return "so ma, I see a puppy, alone, scared and hurt on the road, and I leave him to die? that's the right thing to do ma?". 

How does one even argue this?

You don't. You support it.

By this time I was already down three thousand, worried about infection, like not bacterial infection...but stuff like tetanus and rabies...  and wondering what's next. 

And while one part of me is sitting with this question....I'm hearing myself tell diksha as she's getting her shot  "you're something else only deech, so proud of you ......and more than me, I'm sure thatha will be and he'll be happy to know that gene of his is safe and growing with you".

Just look at that puppy, and you'll understand:

 Literally skin and bones....

Diksha  asks "want to sit ma?" and I'm like "if I have to hold his hand and sit for half hour, no, it's okay, you only sit".(he was folding his hand in and that was stopping the drip going in, so diksha held his hand through the half hour each time). How that one glove was supposed to protect her god only knows.

Diksha had 'a moment' through the episode, which she narrated to me later, and I'd totally missed; the vet saying " I think  pre-exposure anti rabies shots should be enough for you, but better you ask the human doctors ". Says so much.(it's that subtle language bias see...vets and doctors as against animal doctors or human doctors...equates status nicely : )

For One More Day

For One More Day - Mitch Albom

Mitch Albom, seems to have  'Death' as central theme in his books. His well known 'Tuesdays with Morrie' did, and so does this. Death not as difficult or morose but to bring out how "it is an end, so what are the chances we are missing out on when alive".

He explores here the question of what you would do if you had that chance to come back for one more day.......what would you do? 

Mitch is a devout believer in the power of love and relationships, and in this book delves into the relationship between a mother and son, one that seems to flit between real and ghost....haunting, magical....real.

Charley, a broken man, not invited to the wedding of his own daughter, wants to die...and then gets a chance to spend a day with his mother who died eight years earlier, and that's his chance to fix things he did wrong by his mother, and in process deal with his own ghosts.

Alain de Botton on 'The Hard Work of Love'

I'm putting a few excerpts which I found nicely articulated......and while this is in the context of romantic love, several thoughts would fit any other relationships of love as well.

"One of the greatest insults that you can level at a lover in the modern world apparently is to say, “I want to change you.” The Ancient Greeks had a view of love which was essentially based around education, that's what love means. Love is a benevolent process whereby two people try to teach each other how to become the best versions of themselves"

"Of course by the time we’ve humiliated someone, they’re not going to learn anything....the problem is that the failures of our relationships have made us so anxious that we can’t be the teachers we should be. And therefore, some often genuine, legitimate things that we want to get across come across as insults, as attempts to wound, and are therefore rejected, and the arteries of the relationship start to fur"

"We don’t need people to be perfect, we just need people to be able to explain their imperfections to us in good time, before they’ve hurt us too much with them, and with a certain degree of humility. That’s already an enormous step"

"We must fiercely resist the idea that true love must mean conflict-free love, that the course of true love is smooth. It’s not. It’s no fault of mine or no fault of yours; it’s to do with being human. And the more generous we can be towards that flawed humanity, the better chance we’ll have of doing the true hard work of love"

"Psychological dynamics are everywhere, even in sex. And so often, we think of sex as just a sort of pneumatic activity, but really, it’s a psychological activity. And if you try to imagine why people are excited by sex, it’s not so much that it’s a pleasurable nerve-ending business; it’s ultimately that it’s about acceptance.

And the meaning we infuse into it is, “I accept you. And I accept you in a way that is incredibly intimate and that would be quite revolting with anyone else. I’m allowing you into my private space as a way of signaling, ‘I like you.’ We call it getting “turned on,” but what we’re really excited by is that someone accepts us .....takes delight in us. That’s what’s exciting about it."

"It’s when we are in love that we take particular offense when they get things wrong. Because the kind of the governing assumption of the relationship is, this person should know what’s in my mind ideally without me needing to tell them. And that’s such an extraordinary demand."

When people always say, “Communicate,” we have to be generous towards the reasons why we don’t. And we don’t because we’re operating with this mad idea that true love means intuitive understanding. No one can intuitively understand another beyond a quite limited range of topics.

It’s the work of love. 

"The work of love is to try, when we can manage it — we can’t always — to go behind the front of this rather depressing, challenging behavior and try and ask where it might’ve come from. Love is doing that work to ask oneself, “Where’s this rather aggressive, pained, noncommunicative, unpleasant behavior come from?” If we can do that, we’re on the road to knowing a little bit about what love really is.

And our friends don’t tell us because they just want a pleasant evening with us. So we’re left with a bubble of ignorance about our own natures. And often, you can be way into your 40s before you’re starting to get a sense of it"

"Let’s not forget that one of the things that makes relationships so scary is we need to be weak in front of other people. And most of us are just experts at being pretty strong. We’ve been doing it for years. We know how to be strong. What we don’t know how to do is to make ourselves safely vulnerable, and so we tend to get very twitchy, preternaturally aggressive, etc., when the moment has come to be weak.

But we feel often conflicted about it. "

"There’s a lot of fear of slippery slopes. In many situations, we can hang on on the slippery slope. It’s OK. It's about getting the tools to hang on in there."