The Hours

The film, while based on Virginia Woolf, is really a story of three women, set in different periods of time, each trying to recognize, and find an identity beyond role.....understand and define herself as individual.

Virginia, (Nicole Kidman) in 1920 is writing her novel "Mrs. Dalloway", (a story of one day in the life of Clarissa Dalloway, who has what on the surface appears a well ordered life, and she realizes it to be a life built around meaningless trivialities)

Laura (Juliana Moore) is reading and identifying with the novel in 1950, and Clarissa (Meryl Streep) is actually living the role in New York of 2001.

Nicole Kidman gives a powerfully passive and controlled performance, nothing on the surface, hardly any dialogue, but the cauldron of seething emotions within clearly visible. Julian Moore does the same, underplaying her emotions, trying to hide her true feelings, while clearly getting suffocated by them. Meryl Streep, on the other hand, is more explicit and expressive in her emoting, likely as it represents the woman of today.

What's beautiful is how the three stories intertwine through three different time periods, bound together in experience and emotion.

An interesting point to note was that Nicole Kidman had a prosthetic nose for the movie, giving her an amazingly close resemblance to Virginia Woolf.

There is an inescapable strength in the women, and I guess an irony; each has a child in the house tuning into their emotions, while the adults around seem either unaware or incapable of understanding. Was an interesting and curious point.

It's a movie about choices, and the struggle that comes with making difficult choices in the search for fulfillment. Adding to the complexity of the usual, is each of their lives being touched by bisexuality and suicide.

Put together like that, it might sound like a depressing movie. It's not. Just the artistry, beauty and depth make it into near poetry.......an honest and incisive look at some complex facets of life.

That said, it's not an easy film to watch. I'd say watch if you're fine with it staying in your mind for  a long while after the watching.

Virginia Woolf

This was the Google doodle a couple days back.

It's Virginia Woolf. Guess I even clicked on it, because it sparked something. I've read and heard references to her quite a bit......she's known for her strong opinions, independent thinking, intense writing....... an equally intense life, ending with a tragic suicide..... plus she's so stunningly beautiful.

I read on captivated.

Virginia Woolf is regarded as one of Britain's greatest novelists, whose influence on the literary world continues to this day, over a hundred years later.

Her own life is as fascinating. She was born into a highly literate household, and started writing from an early age, and was a prolific and much respected writer of her times, with nine novels to her credit.

She was known to suffer from nervous breakdowns, or what today would be recognized as depression or maybe even schizophrenia.

She drowned herself in a river next to her house when she was 59, leaving a heartbreaking suicide note to her husband which began with "dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again, and this time I shan't recover.....the happiest times I've known have been what you gave me...".

Some of her well known quotes:

"Though we see the same world, we see it through different eyes."
"Never pretend that the things you haven't got are not worth having."
"Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so lightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners." 

"If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people."

In the same write up I saw that Nicole Kidman had won an Oscar for her portrayal of Virginia in 'The Hours'. Well, I searched, found and watched right away......... one of the most intense, complex and deeply moving films I've watched.

The Timeless Tale of the Hero's Journey

This came into my inbox titled 'Joseph Campbell - Finding Joe', and thanks to both my children being huge Star Wars fans,  I opened . (Diksha has a tattoo from Star Wars and Dhruva a big Darth Vader statue in his room)

Star Wars is based on Joseph Campbell's philosophical paradigm.

I started watching out of curiosity. It was so beautifully made, that it kept my attention for the full stretch. A good one hour twenty minutes.

I really prefer the title 'Joseph Campbell - Finding Joe' to "The Timeless Tale of the Hero's Journey: Full Film', as one it's not really a film, not an animated film like it looks here.  It's a whole lot of people talking from their experience, and talking stuff that's well worth listening to, just put together beautifully.

It sort of grows on you as it develops in beauty and depth. I'd strongly recommend watching through to the end.

Thanks for sending Kiran. Even though, as you said you are still chipping away (pun intended) at the first five minutes, watching that bit twenty plus times, and not having watched the rest at all :) 

Surfing vs. Coal Mining

This seemed to nicely tie in to the 'authenticity deep dive' of yesterday :)

From Seth

When the unexpected happens in surfing, that's why you went.

When it happens in a coal mine, it's a matter of life and death.

Perspective changes based on how you define your work (or life). That unplanned outcome or sudden emergency—are you looking at with the optimism and possibility of a surfer, or the dread of a miner?

Authenticity - A Deep Dive

An oft heard term. A value I personally cherish.

As with any value or principle, it's easy to own it, until it actually gets put to the test. And that's when you are forced to ask some fundamental questions, perhaps starting right from  'so what exactly is it?'

What does it even mean to say a person, or a relationship is 'authentic' or is not.

Be or Do what you feel like, is not what authentic is about. It's not about 'not being fake'.

It's about being 'You'...discovering the 'You'....owning the 'You'......a process.

I like Seth's definition, it's crisp and covers well. He defines authenticity as "consistent emotional labour"

It's about how deep are you going within yourself......the effort to know what you are, the willingness to understand why you are what you are......to become comfortable with 'becoming'. To be able to see beyond the mask that we all wear for our public selves. (public as in anything beyond ourselves, and most times even for ourselves).

Is there a 'space within' where I meet the real me, is there a 'relationship' which allows for me to be fully me...... flawed, vulnerable, in process, whatever.

Because that is where we can stretch our wings to their fullest potential......our space for growth. 

Am I willing to ask myself those difficult questions. Meet and break through my deeper masks, my defense mechanisms, question my beliefs.....space for growth.

We often allow our own image of ourselves to limit us. When our behavior is aligned to what we know, when the outcome is comfortable, we are within our comfort zone. The signs that beckon towards authenticity is when we see our own behavior at odds with what we know, what we will call atypical. When we ask ourselves 'jeez, why would I do that....that's such an aberration.... so unlike me'.

That's you too. Are we willing to meet that 'you'.

Or will we allow our image of ourselves to become restrictive, and not want to look beyond.

"Authentic conversations are what enable authentic relationships" - (from notes, forgot to note author)

If you want authentic you have to be prepared to reveal yourselves, your feelings, your motives. And you can't talk openly and honestly until you have tried being honest with yourself first.

Level with yourself first. Use Inner dialogue, between the person that you think you are, and the inner self that operates at gut level. It exists. Are you willing to invite it in for dialogue.

It involves revelation, self analysis and re-evaluation.

Becoming authentic, then, means accepting not only contradiction and discomfort but personal faults and failures as well. Problematic aspects of our lives, emotions, and behaviors—the times we've yelled at the kids, lusted after the friends spouse, or fallen back on our promises —are not breaches of your true self, Moore insists. They're clues to the broader and more comprehensive mystery of selfhood. "In fact," he notes, "we are all very subtle and very complex, and there are forces and resources within us that we have no control over. We will never find the limits of who we are.

"Speaking our mind and heart is the most precious of human rights. The ability to speak our own truths forms the core of both, intimacy and self regard". We then not only reveal ourselves, the true path is that we then discover and deepen ourselves.

"An honest relationship is one in which we are trying, all the time, to extend the possibilities of truth between us........of life between us"

Socrates famously asserted "the unexamined life is not worth living"

It's not easy, and as I read somewhere, It's a choice, and it's not for the faint of heart.

Freedom, Fairness and Equality

From Seth

Freedom doesn't mean no responsibility. In fact, it requires extra responsibility. Freedom is the ability to make a choice, and responsibility is required once you make that choice.

Fairness isn't a handout. Fairness is the willingness to offer dignity to others. The dignity of being seen and heard, and having a chance to make a contribution.

And Equality doesn't mean equal. Equality doesn't guarantee me a starting position on the Knicks. Equality means equality of access, the opportunity to do my best without being disqualified for irrelevant reasons.

The Three A's of Awesomeness

A from the heart talk, and a nice listen too !

Tumhari Sulu

Lovely movie (atleast the first half was delightful)

Simple, meaningful and totally hilarious. I haven't laughed as much in a long time. Vidya Balan was impeccable in her acting, she so got into the skin of sulu...and heartstoppingly endearing.  That said, I'd say it sadly loses a nicely built tempo as it goes through the second half  ( too real life I guess :)

Story wise, it's about Sulu, short for sulochana, a happy, charming, fun loving woman, with a mischievous sense of humour and an irrepressible laugh and energy. It's a happy family, and everything's going good. Beneath the surface is a rumbling, a peaceful rumbling inside of Sulu who wants to do something with herself, beyond being 'just' a housewife.

While fairly predictable, the movie delivers in quality of texture and detail. The narrative on daily domesticity was brought out in commendable detail, be it chargers hanging around the house, clothes on the line, anger against one being shown on the other, minor irritants of regular life....mischief, love, pretense, control, care, insensitivity, sensitivity et al. 

The husband and wife share a wonderful relationship... an easy understanding, so much affection, the love between them palpable through the many small gestures, a bedroom banter that is so casually intimate, an ease and comfort with each other, wonderful space. The kind that makes you think...aah, that's how it ought to be.

And there's a sad let down as his ego and insecurity surfaces as she finds independence and success. 

As her popularity grows, the resentment back home builds. Father, husband, sisters, nobody seems to be able to handle it...... it's like anything going wrong is now blamed on her job. She can't handle the pressure. Between the lot, she gets guilt tripped, gives up her job, and because she's this sweet thing she does it with joy and no 'apparent' resentment.

Happy ending.

I thought the cast was near perfect, Manav Kaul as husband, the kid who had a decent enough role and did it to perfection. Beyond Vidya Balan, my favourite was Neha Dhupia. She was simply brilliant.

A definitely strong recommendation to watch.

Praveen, thanks for that "go watch, I'm sure you'll like it", you sure got that one right :)

Tamasha...yet again

Watched the movie, yet again. Peeped into earlier review and figured it was my third watch, as I had not just a first but also a second review :)

So this time round, thought to put a couple of songs here:

A difficult 'aha'

This one came from the most innocuous of places, and that took the embarrassment quotient uncomfortably high.

My microwave had conked out. After several attempts at repair, the mechanic himself gave up and said "madam, దీని లైఫ్ అయిపొయింది, కొత్త డి తెచ్చుకోండి ". (it's life is over, get yourself a new one)

No go. I had to drag myself out of home and to an electronics store. The sales guy there says "should I send someone over with the machine, and for a demo?". I was like "No, it's a simple microwave, no need, I'll figure". And I brought it off with me.

I got down to using it soon enough, and over two weeks used it regularly, but found it wasn't the most easy one to use. (read booklet and stuff too) 

As always, I turned to Diksha. "deech, why is this being so troublesome". She came back with a simple "happens when we change instruments no ma, like phones, you'll get used to it".

Another week, and it wasn't getting better. Set ego and all else aside and called the store "Vishnu, you were right, I need a demo, in fact maybe your mechanic will find that this is a defective piece, it's not settling".

And that came in the form of Ramesh.

He breezed into the house with this gust of energy. In under two minutes he ran through his script, and I was left gaping. I had him do it again, and again....it was a beautiful machine....issue was with me. I was missing one simple step. (despite effort and booklet and need and all that)

After I signed off his sheet, I asked if I could take a picture? and he's like "naada madam? enduku?"

I found myself saying "what you did was like magic. You not just got my microwave working beautifully, you showed how presumptuous I was being, you taught me something about myself, that's why"

And he so got me. He said it happens all the time . A fridge he'd done that morning....they'd put it on minimum, thinking it is minimum cooling, when it's actually minimum temperature, and it had formed icicles....he got full enthu, settled down at my table, and reeled off so many such examples. He'd found a keen listener.....  I was still recovering from the magic he'd worked.

When next day I got a call from their customer service department asking for a feedback rating on a scale of 1 to 10, I said 15.

Microwaves and Fridges can have a Ramesh to set them right, but I wonder how many such spaces in life we make assumptions and presumptions that make life difficult for us.... and we yet muddle along (after all my microwave was working, just not as efficiently and beautifully as it could).

What would it take to step back, want better, and make those tweaks? (or changes too :) 

Falling In Love Again

I'm a trifle overwhelmed.... and that feels like understatement.

I think overwhelmed not just by the beauty of the experience that's been Ruskin Bond, but by a plethora of thoughts and feelings that it's surfacing.....not the least of which is how have I not read a Ruskin Bond before? (save a story here and there which was read to the children)

Realized I'd bucketed....I'd somehow bucketed him author of kids books. My bad :(

I don't know how he does it, but as I went through each story, it was almost like having spent that little time with him. It feels like he puts himself out there....as is, from his core. It's an amazing trait.

End of book, he felt like a new friend, one I'd like to spend more time with, one I'd want to know better. 

There's a sensitivity, an insightfulness...a subtle sense of humor that evokes a spurt of laughter at the most unexpected places. And a gut level honesty, an honesty that's core, yet he has this really delicate and fragile way he touches it, it's like a feather touch, and you feel he's at times not sure what to do with it, but touch it he will.

Reading him is like going on a journey. A journey through the mountains, the winds, the old mansions, pretty lakes, old trees....it's like living it.

I know I'm sounding overboard. But then, didn't say 'overwhelmed' for nothing :)

And his writing style, it's at one time as simple can be simple, and yet you'd want to use the term 'literary genius'. How?

To quote a couple of phrases:

"I looked up from my typewriter to see what at first I thought was an apparition hovering over me. She seemed to shimmer before me in the hot sunlight that came slashing through the open door. I looked into her face and our eyes met over the rim of the glass. I forgot to take it from her. 

What I liked about her was her smile. It dropped over her face slowly, like sunshine moving over brown hills. She seemed to give out some of the glow that was in her face. I felt it pour over me. And the golden feeling did not pass when she left the room. That was how I knew she was going to mean something special to me"

I also liked how subtle he can get, In one story, he (the main character) gets off at an odd station in the mountains based on impulse, and he makes up a story for why he's there, he creates a fictional character called Major Roberts (for who ever will ask)

Other: And what brings you to Shamli?

RB: I'm looking for a friend called Major Roberts

And towards end of story he writes:

"Tomorrow morning I would go, and perhaps I would come back to Shamli one day, and perhaps not. I could always come here looking for Major Roberts, and who knows one day I might find him. What should he be like, this lost man? A romantic, a man with a dream, a man with brown skin and blue eyes, living in a hut on a snowy mountaintop, chopping wood and catching fish and swimming in cold mountain streams; a rough, free man with a kind heart and a shaggy beard, a man who owed allegiance to no one, who gave a damn for money and politics, and cities and civilizations, who was his own master, who lived at one with nature knowing no fear. 

But that was not Major Roberts - that was the man I wanted to be. He was not a Frenchman or an Englishman, he was me, a dream of myself. If only I could find Major Roberts."

I'm wowed.

I'm not even a short story person, I like my books to continue for long...yet I've been, well, converted I guess :)

To now come to the book itself, it's a collection of stories. The Girl from Copenhagen, The Eyes have it, Love is a sad song, Binya passes by, Time stops at Shamli, We must love someone, and some more.

'A love of long ago' and 'Time stops at Shamli', are my favorite, made me almost (?) want to got to Shamli.

They are not as much love stories, as stories about love. Each story touching one of the 'myriad variations of romantic love - fleeting, intimate, joyous, heartbreaking....a range of feelings that are indubitably part of the infinite spectrum of love'.

Yay, for having met Ruskin bond......Well, I feel like I have :)

The Gap

From Seth

There's a gap between where you are and where you want to be.

Many gaps, in fact, but imagine just one of them.

That gap--is it fuel? Are you using it like a vacuum, to pull you along, to inspire you to find new methods, to dance with the fear?

Or is it more like a moat, a forbidding space between you and the future?

The price of invulnerability

Yet another lovely talk by Brené Brown. I've done a couple before, and while each is on 'Vulnerability', (she is a vulnerability researcher and expert), I think each also has a slightly different perspective and focus. 

Plus, I'm firm believer in 'repetition does not spoil the prayer'.  

Home Again

The movie caught my eye because it was a Nancy Meyers direction. She's done some movies I simply love, for instance.....The Holiday, It's Complicated, Somethings Gotta Give, What Women Want, each on my rewatchable list.

This one's directed by Hallie Meyers, Nancy Meyers daughter, of similar genre.... female led rom com.......pleasant, fun, little bit of drama...nice enough.

Alice (Reese Witherspoon) 40, and recently divorced moves to LA with her two little daughters. She's inherited this beautiful hollywood home from her famous filmmaker dad.  

She's on a drinking binge with three young, cute wannabe film maker guys. Call it serendipity, but they're looking for a house, and her poolside outhouse seems perfect for both. While she was yet struggling to restart life single, suddenly all her needs are met.

One of the guys is chocolate candy cute, so yes, the predictable hook up happens.....and more......childcare, cabinet fixing, website launching and the like. 

It's soon looking too good to be true, and the twist.....her estranged husband, (Michael Sheen) shows up. He still cares, he wants her back, and he definitely does not want the boys around her, and there's some crazy dynamics and drama there.

It's decision time for her. I like that, while she's getting tugged from all sides, she finally chooses out of it all... the clingy husband, the chocolate candy boyfriend, her first awful work contract ....out of it all. 

Crazily contrived, set in bedazzling hollywood, it actually reeks money....the sprawling mansion, inner courtyard swimming pool, the super cute outhouse, a swanky porche...all this notwithstanding, it's still chilled out fun.  Single watch fun. 

Maahi Ve

There's some kind of magic in this rendition.......like Rehman, the music, the rhythm, the feel, the flow, and the audience all became part of this one beautiful experience. Can only imagine how it must have felt live.

Bhogi mantalu

So happened that on Bhogi, the day before Sankranthi, I was on a different early morning walk. It fell on a Sunday, so no park walk, I was walking through the colonies to my parents place.(that's an in process of getting built Sunday ritual :)

I was nicely surprised to see that the tradition of bhogi mantalu still very much on. I must have seen atleast twenty such little fires on.

This guy seemed to be one who was illustrating the essence of the fire, burning up useless stuff (he was burning boxes )

The lane had so many fires right through

It also brought in a flush of memories. Childhood memories when we would do the bhogi manta at Barkatpura. It used to be like a mela, with the whole family there, and kushalma uncle would lead. He'd allow the kids to find anything in the house, anything that was old and ready to go, to be put into the bonfire. Old chairs, modas, rugs, broomsticks, chataas, anything.......it was so much fun. 

And the essence of the ritual is so beautiful. Junk the old, and create space for the new. What is today more familiar as 'declutter'. We seem to be left holding just the ritual of the bonfire, without doing the actual declutter.

A wonderful and powerful concept. How much of the old do we hold onto. How much (even without being aware) do we let it influence.... be it in our external world, or the internal. Good time to pause and look :)

The Vine of Desire

Chitra Banarjee Divakaruni is at her best, exploring facets of intimate relationships.... through introspection, self analysis, assimilation and self discovery..... especially so of women. The Vine of Desire is a powerful narrative, delving deep into the minds and emotions of it's principal characters.

Anju and Sudha would be familiar to those who've read her earlier book 'sister of my heart', and would know how close, and almost psychic a connection the two cousins share.

Anju gets married and moved to America. A miscarriage leaves her depressed and lonely and when she feels her marriage won't survive it, she invites Sudha to come and live with her. Sudha readily agrees, in the hope that life in America will find her freedom from a painful divorce, from an earlier boyfriend, and from her own deep conditioning. 

Complications start when Anju's husband, Sunil, gets dangerously attracted to Sudha, and then there are the complications of it's impact on a marriage already heading downhill. 

Each of them try to distract themselves by focusing on Sudha's little daughter Dayita, but there's no getting away from the inevitable moment of truth, when all lines heading inward get caught in a vortex of emotions....the clash of reality....then deflect, to each goes it's own way, away from the other,  as far away as they think they can.

Chitra's women are, as always, women of substance, seeking and finding identity and freedom... from relational controls, cultural bindings and their own conditioning. They are women you want to know.

Her style of writing in this book was so innovative and interesting. She uses letters. Each writing letters to different people....their mothers, aunts, friends, college submissions and even dead people . And it's through these letters that you see the stark differences between reality within, and reality without. Where the 'authentic' is either getting left behind or is in process of growth.

Her narrative is typically from each persons point of view which is such a refreshing take on perspectives. She also used  a style for a whole chapter of 'what I said was this' and 'what I wanted to say was this'. Again the tug of war between authentic and reality evident. Fascinating.

I enjoyed the reading, each moment getting more and more caught in the entangled vines she wove.... (Asha Latha ) Vine of Desire.... and it's left me hoping for more from Chitra.

Revolutionary Road

Kate Winslet and Leonardo di Caprio, yet again creating something as powerful as the Titanic, this time maybe not as flamboyant or beautiful, but more intense and hard hitting.

It is set is the early 1950's of America, and starts beautifully enough with the two falling in love almost at their first meet, and what connects them seems to be this dream of a bohemian life, one of choice and passion. (unrealistic? idealistic?)

The movie quickly fast forwards eight years.. married, a middle class suburban life, a decent job, a fixed routine, a neat home, two children, good neighbors, friendly dinners. While it all seems a perfectly settled space, April is holding onto their dream, unhappy and afraid of the path she sees ahead, one that looks set to go through to the end of life. 

Still very much in love with each other, her unhappiness and suffocation evident, Frank cares enough to buy into a restart of their dream. She has the plan...to up life as they have it, and move to Paris, where she will get a job as receptionist and he will be able to follow his passion. 

Energy and laughter comes back into the little household. 

For a while. Until life throws a curved ball at them. A nicely disguised one. He gets a promotion and a raise, and she gets pregnant. He bows to both. She doesn't. Her dream is her life...she's willing to give it all she has, but there's only so much she can do alone.

The story is pretty timeless, about how men and women turn into what they did not want, and life gets them.

A line from Roger Ebert, one of my favorite, whose review I will typically browse before watching a movie  -  "The film is so good that it's devastating" 

Experiences and your fear of engagement

From Seth

Want to go visit a nudist colony?

I don't know, what's it like?

You know, a lot of people not wearing clothes.

Show me some pictures, then I'll know.

Well, actually, you won't.

You won't know what it's like merely by looking at a picture of a bunch of naked people.

The only way you'll know what it's like is if you get seen by a bunch of naked people. The only way to have the experience is to have the experience.

Not by looking at the experience.

By having it.

But having an experience for the first time is frightening. So we try to avoid the fear by simulating it, putting the experience into a box that makes it like something else we've done, something that's safe. 

Of course, if you put a new experience in the box of an old experience, it's not a new experience, is it? Problem solved.

But you've also just cut yourself off from what that new experience could deliver. A new box. The entire point.

The Gift Of Words

Who better to speak about words than Javed Akhtar. I simply loved the talk (after all I'm a big believer in the power of words too)

An At Home 'Paint & Wine' Evening

Last night (not evening) Diksha and I did a Paint & Wine evening at home.

It turned out such an interesting experience.

The last time I painted, which was my first time too, was at the "paint & wine' with Sujata. And fully inspired by her being with me, I'd bought all the paraphernalia for painting, including an easel, all of which had sat untouched since then (since August)

And now suddenly we decided we'll do a painting. And I was nervous, excited too, but also nervous.

And it was so interesting to see how Diksha just took the lead. I heard "ma, just have fun ma, don't worry about how it's turning out, or about making mistakes" "It's your first, focus on painting, not on the painting, it's not about whether it's good enough" "It's okay if it's not good enough for your wall"

Every half hour she'd come and check, and say encouraging things to make me go on. I saw a complete role reversal, I became the child, looking forward to her little words of encouragement and she the adult, taking it upon herself to see that I relaxed and connected into the process.

At one point, I was like " ayyo, this dabba doesn't have purple, I want purple flowers" and I hear "mix red and blue ma, and white to lighten to the purple you want". How had I forgotten, all those sundays, many many years ago, which I'd devoted to only having them play with colors....tubes and tubes used just to see what combinations gave what colors. Wonderfully nostalgic.

And the final one, "deech, I'm so hopeless at this, not getting my flowers right" and she's like " there's no right ma, it's abstract, and it's yours".

I was getting back my lessons in life. Maybe I'd forgotten and she'd imbibed, and this was a lovely way to relearn.

Diksha engrossed

My messy corner

The output. Diksha's is the graceful and elegant one on the right, and the pretty one (you have to look through my eyes:) on the left is mine. As amateur as mine is, they both went up on my wall.....to mark an evening so bonded and beautiful.

Thanks Deech, for the idea, the thought, the process and above all for 'showing up' in that moment. An evening that will stay cherished.

Selfhood and the Crucible of Identity

This came in this morning's mail, a write up by Maria Papova....I thought it made an interesting read. so here's excerpts:

In one of his most poignant conversations, the Irish poet and philosopher, O’Donohue considers the trap of identity, the relationship between limitation and wonder, and how the unquestioned confines us to smaller and smaller compartments of ourselves:

"Every human person is inevitably involved with two worlds: the world they carry within them and the world that is out there. All thinking, all writing, all action, all creation and all destruction is about that bridge between the two worlds. All thought is about putting a face on experience… One of the most exciting and energetic forms of thought is the question. I always think that the question is like a lantern. It illuminates new landscapes and new areas as it moves. Therefore, the question always assumes that there are many different dimensions to a thought that you are either blind to or that are not available to you. So a question is really one of the forms in which wonder expresses itself. One of the reasons that we wonder is because we are limited, and that limitation is one of the great gateways to wonder.

[…]

All thinking that is imbued with wonder is graceful and gracious thinking… And thought, if it’s not open to wonder, can be limiting, destructive and very, very dangerous."

Questions invite instant opinions more often than they invite conversation and contemplation — a peculiar terror of wonder that O’Donohue presaged:

"One of the sad things today is that so many people are frightened by the wonder of their own presence. They are dying to tie themselves into a system, a role, or to an image, or to a predetermined identity that other people have actually settled on for them. This identity may be totally at variance with the wild energies that are rising inside in their souls. Many of us get very afraid and we eventually compromise. We settle for something that is safe, rather than engaging the danger and the wildness that is in our own hearts.

Because no composite of fragments can contain, much less represent, all possible fragments, we end up drifting further and further from one another’s wholeness, abrading all sense of shared aspiration toward unbiased understanding. 

                                          

O’Donohue offers a gentle corrective:

… All human being and human identity and human growth is about finding some kind of balance between the privilege and the doom or the inevitability of carrying this kind of world.

Even those remnants are not static and solid ground,   but fluid currents in an ever-shifting, shoreless self — for, as Virginia Wolf memorably wrote, “a self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living.” 

Amritsar da Safar

This one's from mom:

One fine morning I told Smitha that I would like to visit the 'Golden Temple' in Amritsar, and her immediate reaction was "Let's Go".

And when I told Praveen about our plan he said "Yes, that sounds good, and you can make it when I am with Daddy"

Mahi also gave the 'go ahead' signal !!

So it was planned either in June or December cause that's when Praveen visits us every year. June is too hot, December will be too cold, thus ran our thoughts and ultimately we decided on December. The weather reports were scary, and I developed a knee pain, so we were hesitant to take off but decided - Now or Never - and went along.

We booked our trip for 25th of December, little knowing that 23rd to 25th of December are Guru Gobind Singh's birthday celebrations. With all these adversities we set flight, and landed at Amritsar on 25th late afternoon.

First impression of the city is it's rustic, dusty, unfinished look all along, from the airport to our destination - with a Punjabi Homestay in a gated community called Imperial City, with jumbo sized houses and quite isolated from the main city.

But once we met the lady of the house, she brightened the atmosphere with her friendly chatter.

Evening, freshened up with tea in our room and planned to go out, but could not get any taxi or auto. Then just like a godsend the sardarji who brought us from the airport and who by chance gave his cell number to Smitha was contacted and became our man-of-the-trip for all three days. A warm and friendly local guy, Savinder Singh was our guide too.

Day 1:

As we entered the temple area in the evening we were mesmerized by the first sight of the Maharaj Ranjit Singh statue, erected on a huge and beautiful pedestal:

The entire courtyard was well lit, with only walkways for pedestrians, everyone taking pictures and shopping and relaxing on the benches along the road.

That street reminded me of our midnight walk on the streets of Las Vegas.

The people of Punjab are humble, hospitable and friendly. As we entered the Golden Temple, we witnessed a show of fire crackers as finale for the G G Singh anniversary.

I sat near the Amrith Sarovar (lake of nectar) taking in the beauty & serenity of the place, while Smitha and Savinder Singh went around the sarovar.

We had a nice punjabi dinner at Kundan da dhabha and then settled for a good nights rest.

Day 2:

The man-of-the-tour sardarji (or was it our host) suggested that we should make a trip to Sadda Pind (our village) a one hours drive from Amritsar. At one go we could see and feel the art & culture of the people of Punjab. We spent nearly four hours there including a good lunch.

Smitha wheeled me around the village in a wheel chair, so I was able to take it and not feel tired at all and enjoyed the hospitality of the people, starting from mouth watering Makki da roti & Sarson da saag.

Evening we again visited the Dharam Singh market outside the Golden temple, and did a little bit of shopping, mostly paapads.

Day 3

An off-the-routine cross country trip to a place called Tarn Taran. This was not on our plan, but strangely so happened that we chanced upon a Punjab state guide in our room, and Smitha picked up this place. Started off at 9 am. Our man-of-tour advised us to pack and move out in the morning itself, so we could go directly to the airport after the day out. So we had a quick breakfast and bid goodbye to our host Romy ji.

A foggy day, the entire route was lined on both sides with Sarson da keti, bright yellow flowers, it was a beautiful drive, and then we reached the Gurudwara.

Here I should mention that the approach to the Gurudwaras are crowded, chaos everywhere with vehicles and people, but once we reach the inside, it is so beautiful and serene. This Sarovar is bigger than the Golden Temple's, surrounded by rooms for meditation with adjacent historical buildings (it is told that during the anti sikh riots, this place was badly hit)

After an hour or so, we visited the Golden Temple for final darshan. Also a remark by our host and Savinder ji, and others that they were impressed that two ladies, by themselves, had come all the way from Hyderabad just to visit the Golden Temple, and that too on such an auspicious day, is worth mentioning.

This time saw the temple on a wheel chair pushed by an old Sardarji, shooing away everyone around and forcing me to 'mata tek' (touching forhead ) to every corner before entering the sanctum sanctorium, through a special queue for senior citizens. It was nice to be inside the shrine for a few minutes. 

Then finally bidding goodbye to Amritsar & proceeding to the airport just on time.

Thanks to Smitha, I enjoyed the trip.

Immersion '2017

This is a really personal journey. I'm surprisingly finding that, not withstanding extensive diary writing, putting it out here forces yet another perspective.

How?

I get to see it as a finished product.

A diary is all about process. It questions, it meanders, it sorts, it feels, it cries, it holds............here you get to the end. The smile....the pat on the back comes from here.

People have asked me why anybody else would be interested in reading about my life. Valid question?

I don't know. I only know I'm digging deeper and deeper, and sometimes it throws up stuff that can provide perspective. In fact that's what anything does. Whether it's watching a movie, or reading a book, or talking to friends, or reading an interview. Why are reality shows so popular. Why would anybody watch 'big boss'? I've known many who do, in fact even people who get up in the night to watch them sleep. What makes that happen?

The essence is when something out there resonates with the you, when you can make that connection. And use that, in turn, to make a connection into yourself. Get that fresh perspective. Grow with the perspective. It's always about us. Watching or Reading or Writing or What have you.....

The other day Diksha was telling me that there are personal diaries for sale on the net.

I was totally taken aback. I'm like "why would anybody be interested in buying someone else's diary deech?" And she's like, "well, guess it can be interesting ma, how often do you really get to see into another person's mind". (My thought - 'how often do we even look into our own minds?')

That's when the stark difference between process and product hit me. How many of us can claim to know ourselves? be ourselves? emotions, thoughts, feelings....to the extent of being secure enough to be able to 'own' it. 

Not saying I can,  I have my own thresholds, but pushing that boundary is an ongoing process. 

"For most people, the level of self-awareness is quite modest, and we all tend to operate on surface-level emotions and behaviors, adding our own interpretation through a set of complex, sub-conscious perceptual and egoic filters".

Process. The Path.....It's about getting on it.

Unbelievable, but a second try at getting to actual recap, and side tracked again :)

Recap '2017

Yesterday, I was driving past this place near home which has several cute and fancy eating joints, and I found them all lit up, festive, and felt the new year vibe yet alive.

So actually did a glass of wine and went through a recap, a recap of the year that's been. Something I was told I owed myself :)

I figured why. The years been big. Way bigger then I realized. (which is why recaps are so brilliant). In nutshell, what stands out is:

• Shifted living back to Hyderabad
• Completion of the most impactful course I've ever done
• Travel has yet again been phenomenal - 8 trips, of which 4 are to states I've not been to before
• Launching of the next phase in my career
• Consciously, Effortfully and Significantly deepening bonds with each of the people who are special in my life
• The brilliant Sunrises and Moonrises I've connected into, from a train, from flight, and likely, the best ones from home

And I think I need to add, each of these was a conscious effort, a decision. (ok, ok, I won't take credit for the sunrises :). Decisions that took a high level of awareness and thought...and not to forget, 'Risk'.

In this context, there's a couple of quotes that stuck (random jottings, so sadly don't have the author names):

"If you are not willing to risk the usual, you will have to settle for the ordinary"

and this

"She took the leap and built her wings on the way down"

Brilliant stuff. It's the kind of stuff that if imbibed, enables. Enables and empowers you to move beyond what's doled out to you and carve for yourself a life that's about 'living' and not 'existing'. Sure there's pitfalls and at times big gaping holes on the way, (which look at times like they can swallow you whole) ,but that's where you grow your wings too, when needed, again and again and again.

Each of these has so much in terms of real time, and emotional experience that I'm wondering how to write it all in one post.

I'm giving it a shot, as I'm already so connecting into the process....just this looking back and calling out the big ones, gave me opportunity to embrace the year one more time, and in process become more appreciative and grateful, not just for the joys and successes, but for the times I've fallen, and had the shoulders, the support (thanks there to all those who've been there) and the grit to get up and go on again.

This brings to mind a conversation from years back, in Google. Kiran had asked "Smitha, tell me, from where do you get this crazy level of energy, this ability to be more than hundred percent in everything that you do".

I was stumped for a bit. I've had people tell me this, but no one had asked me the 'how'. I was thinking and articulating it likely for the first time. And I found my answer was simple...... "I love life".

This is not to say I do or have something special, not at all.....but surely, to say, it's that simple. And these recaps can tell you why you can love life, it just has so much to offer. You don't need a blog to recap, just pick up that pen and paper, it's just so so worth it.

I've gotten so caught up in just the intro space, that I'll do the rest in next :)

Hiding from the mission

From Seth

We do this in two ways:

The first is refusing to be clear and precise about what the mission is. Avoiding specifics about what we hope to accomplish and for whom. Being vague about success and (thus about failure).

After all, if no one knows exactly what the mission is, it's hard feel like a failure if it doesn't succeed.

The second is even more insidious. We degrade the urgency of the mission. We become diffuse. We get distracted. Anything to avoid planting a stake and saying, "I made this."

It's possible to spend 7 hours and 52 minutes out of an eight-hour day in doing nothing but hiding from the mission. And it's exhausting.

The Home-stay At Amritsar

Each trip I find that there is stuff to write about specific places seen and experienced,, and then there's one very misc one, of times in between, or place of stay, or culture as felt....that kind.

This is that one... the home stay experience.

The house, it's so massive, that I couldn't get it all into one picture.

Once we booked on Air B&B, this is the lovely message I got from Hargun

Once we landed, we had to find it with the map, as neither us nor Savinder was familiar. Mom was like, "what's the name", and I was like "Ma, you wanted a home-stay, it's an actual home, it has no name" :)

Mom with Romy, in her verandah

Inside. This pic is off the confirmation mail though, as we somehow missed taking a picture inside

A street dog outside her house. I was so impressed with my mom, she carried her uneaten sandwich from the flight, 'to give to some dog she said', and she actually found one a day later. The doggy enjoying the Vistara sandwich.

A walk in the colony. The size of the houses are jaw drop unbelievable

Romy and me, the day we were leaving. We felt like friends by then. Her smiling face still comes to mind every once in a while. She's so affectionate, that the second day she waited for me outside to catch me and say, "you're not wearing the right kind of clothes for Amritsar", and gave me her sweater. That sweet.

Mom enjoying her morning cup of coffee in the veranda outside our room. The fog was so thick and beautiful. 

A final picture ...... a Shiva that I just fell in love with it when I saw it at a store outside the Golden Temple, and now sits at home.

Ma, this one's for you.....it's only your desire and will that made this trip come true..... one that will remain in the heart forever.....and ever.

Tarn Taran...For Real

The Darbar Sahib, the gurudwara at Tarn Taran was actually as beautiful, as peaceful...actually no, more serene, more peaceful, more beautiful even, than the golden temple. 

It was spell binding. Entering the space felt like being held...like being engulfed by this feeling of expanse and serenity. It mesmerized I believe.

The path leading upto the Gurudwara. You don't see the sarovar until you walk through that gate ahead.

The sarovar is enclosed on all sides by what they call the parikrama, the meditation chambers.

Entrance, you walk through  this water pool. Water's nice and warm, which feels heavenly in that cold.

Mom, not withstanding her bad knee, took this huge massive step to get a touch of the water. And I was simply shocked at how, until I figured how the space had taken over. It just inspires.

The old gate

Me. Background, all those arches, they are the meditation spaces.

The meditation spaces run all around this massive sarovar

The main Gurudwara building

I thought that made an interesting picture. Mom was totally oblivious to this group walking behind. Interestingly, most of them had not just the little kirpans, but the big ones the swords. No connection, but just saying.

Outside the temple. That's phulkari work, the Punjabi handwork on textiles.

The sarson ( don't know what the singlular is) plants being transported. He made such a sweet picture

Way back I asked Savinder if we could stop for chai, and he said 'Langar ka chai peethe hain', and he took us to this small gurudwara where there's langar tea all the time. It's served in these shallow bowls.

(courtesy Google Picture)

Savinder said "हम्हारे पंजाब में, जो भी हो या न हो , कोई एक आदमी भी भूखा पेट नहीं सोता है ! हर जगह गुरुद्वारा होता है और खाना ज़रूर मिलता है !"   (In our Punjab, whatever else true or not, one thing is, no one person ever goes to bed hungry, there is always a gurudwara nearby that provides food)

I thought that was really powerful, and something to be rightfully proud off. You could hear it in his voice.

Thanks again to Savinder.....he changed the texture of our visit.

Lost in Time - Namita Gokhale

A fascinating and wonderful read.

Made me feel like I was listening to a magical story.....on a rainy day, warm blanket, steaming cup of coffee, when anything can seem true. Couldn't help but pause to wonder at her wonderful style of writing,  the humor, the wildly imaginative mind, and the depth and profundity of story.

Lost in Time - Ghatotkacha and the Game of Illusions by Namita Gokhale.

A story on time travel, and a strange and intense friendship between a fourteen year old boy from Gurgaon, and Ghatotkacha, the first born son of the Pandavas.

Young Chintamani Dev Gupta, sent on on a bird watching camp at Lake Sat Tal, finds himself transported through a time portal to the times of the Mahabharata during the Dwapara Yuga, and meets Gatotkacha and his mother Hidimba, and an amazing friendship grows between him and Ghatotkacha. One that seems to be able to segue across any kind of difference.

"I am the rakshasa Ghatotkacha, born of the lord Bhimasena and the lady Hidimba. I rule over the hills and vale, jungle and stream, to protect the spirit of the forest and all who live in it"

Ghatotkacha  introduces himself, and the gentle giant, using a mastery of illusions and  rakshasa technology imparts some very simple and beautiful lessons, on love and the elemental forces of nature. And intertwined is Chintu's love for Ghatotkacha, the fascination for his time travel experience...... interrupted by cravings for Pizza and yearning for football. Wonderful stuff.

Was an absolute  joy to read !

Tarn Taran

What a lovely name for a town.

Yet another totally chance finding. Second day of trip, we've done Sadda Pind in the morning, a second visit to the Golden temple in the evening, dinner in a simple daaba, and back home fully satiated. We have nothing much planned for the next day, and our flights only in the evening.

We'd decided we'll just stay home and read. Thanks to long flights, we were well set on books :)

Night, all set to sleep, mom picks up this little book on Punjab that's sitting on the bedside shelf, and says "Smitha, take a look na, there's some interesting stuff in it about Amritsar"

I browse a while..... and this name Tarn Taran, I just kept rolling it around on my tongue for a while, and it rolls so beautifully. In a while I'm like "what a find ma, this looks doable, an hour from here, there's an interesting sounding place, 'tarn taran', want to go?".

She's like 'what's in it?'

"Not too sure ma, sounds like another Gurudwara...but actually chumma only, we'll go?"

She was fully game, I so love that about her. Her ability to go along with vagueness and spontaneity. (likely that gene is from her :)

First thing in the morning is a frantic call to Savinder.

He's like "abhi aana hai?......tarn taran? haan jaantha hoon........wahan jaana hai? ......kyon?"

"bas, aise hi.....jaa sakthe hain?"

He was here within half hour, and we were on our way. Through a beautifully foggy morning, going through country side Punjab, across these exquisitely beautiful yellow sprayed fields, 'sarson da keth'.

Mom daring the cold to get off the car for that nicer picture, or maybe just to experience the space. At that point I generously asked her "want to go sit in the front ma?". "No, I'm fine". Then the hesitant, "I'll go?". And she's like "antha daddy laaga ne nuvvu". 

And you realize that when with parents, you will never fully move away from being a child. You can resist it or flow with it. Well, I moved to the front, chose to smile and flow with it :)

When we kept seeing signboards that read 'batinda' it was sounding familiar, and then it struck. Jab we Met, this lovely road trip movie, and it somehow felt like we were on the right road too :)

A drive like this, countryside Punjab, and we were like, even if there's nothing in Tarn Taran, we're good.

I love the fog filled pictures of this post.......will do actual Tarn Taran in the next :)