My Old Old Stamp Collection

A visit to my parents, to Hyd....... and at some point it's a walk down nostalgia lane. Out of one random discussion, came me asking if either of them knew what might have happened to my stamp collection.

At first I was amazed....neither even recalled that I used to collect stamps. And then it was such a wonderful surprise when within a few minutes mom walked out with this old pencil box, maybe from high school days. It was my box of duplicates for trading. 

Opening it, touching those stamps, the feel and smell from over thirty years...almost a solemn experience. At that point, I would have given a lot to have my albums back, I had a fairly decent collection spread across maybe four years, and as many albums. And then it brought with it an onslaught of vivid memories.....the excitement of the postman's coming,  less for the letter and more for the the envelope.........of pen friends in Ireland and Hungary from who I got the most exotic of stamps......the prizes won in school level competitions.......the philately exhibitions at GPO...wonderful stuff. 

Brought back such a deep level of joy, and I guess maybe even some pride, especially now that I knew I'd done all of that without my parents even knowing about it. 

And more...... honest appreciation and gratitude to my parents for having let me do my own thing. 

That I think is my biggest and deepest take away. Let kids be.....they get a lot of things right on their own........given freedom and space.

Is Patience a Skill?

From Seth

Of course it is. You can learn to be more patient.

What about Good Judgment and Maturity?

Yes, also skills.

Rationalization vs Emotions

An age old space of conflict....the heart or the head

A close friend tells me "You never seem to have a conflict between your head and your heart, and that's why decision making is easy for you". I don't know how true.......it's not as much as there being no conflict, but rather to say, can we know ourselves well enough to accept what's in the heart and then align the head in the decision making.

In this context, this write up of Proust was interesting:

In The Captive & The Fugitive Marcel Proust, writes penetratingly on this paradox of how the intellect, in its coolly rational search for objectivity, blinds us to the larger truths of our emotional reality. In one particularly insightful passage, Proust channels through his protagonist, named after himself, universal insight into how our intellect blinds us to the wisdom of the heart and how pain, above all, strips down our intellectual defenses and puts us in raw, direct contact with the emotional truth of our being.

Shortly after the protagonist has completed a rigorous intellectual analysis of his feelings for his romantic partner, Albertine, and concluded that he no longer loves her, he receives news of her death. He is suddenly overcome by such uncontainable and uncontrollable sorrow that the truth — a truth his intellect had rejected but his heart encoded far more deeply — was revealed to him

This I think is true, not just in the context of romantic love, but also of the deeper 'connect with ourselves'. How often do we read or hear of this story of people on their death bed wishing that they had lived life differently, done the things they had wanted to, but didn't....like it's said, 'do what you want, we only regret the things we did not do'.

Rationalization....a brilliant tool....but to remember, it's a tool

Consider Reconsidering

From Seth:

Is there any other form of freedom that comes at such a low cost?

The freedom to change a habit, to change a pattern, to change your mind, to change your expectations.

It takes guts and humility to change your mind. Fortunately, you have the freedom and the courage to do so.

The Kittens Story Begins

It's exactly two weeks since our cat brought in her kittens, when cat decided for her...and for us, and today it looks like they're big enough to want to expand their world some more.

Day 1 - We'd settled them all into a box in the drawing room. Next day, early morning, I get my coffee ready, open my laptop, and settle into my favorite corner on the couch (and this is sacrosanct time for me, when I'm still only half human)...and yuck...I find I'm sitting on cat poop. Yep, on the couch.

And I went nuts....but Diksha helped with all the washing and cleaning, and I really liked her cool attitude of, 'when we let them in ma....we signed up for all of this'.

Thankfully, that was the worst....after that diksha got this brilliant idea to give up her bathroom to them and we shifted the box in. 

They've been super sweet since. And now, we're now getting into phase two....when the kittens want to get out of the box.

This is all they did for two weeks

But now look at them, and they've doubled in size

Diksha and Cat chilling 

That's her figuring out whether they're ready to get out or not

They're also up for adoption, in another week....do tell if there's someone out there who wants one, or two...or even three :)

The Real Self & The Ideal Self

I found myself quite attracted to this particular approach in psychology called the humanistic approach.  It's a theory, in essence based on the premise of an 'innate human capacity for creativity, growth and choice.' It's a theory which came out as a separate force in psychology in contrast to the other main forces of Psychoanalysis (Freud) and Behaviourism (Skinner).

Some of the names associated with this thinking are Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs ) and Victor Frankl ( Man's Search For Meaning)

                    

The self image of the person is understood as those attributes or areas of experience about which the person can say 'I am......'. It's about how honest and authentic is our self awareness. Then there's a sense of self as 'I would ideally like to be'. It's the human capacity to strive for fulfillment and greater integration. And this is the path to self actualization. 

The actualizing tendency is central; the person is always in process, always becoming, ever changing.

In this context, a great fit was this article I read this morning called 'Reclaiming Friendship'

Excerpts from 'I live my life in widening circles' - Rilke

"I envisioned a conception of friendship as concentric circles of human connection, intimacy, and emotional truthfulness, each larger circle a necessary but insufficient condition for the smaller circle it embraces.

Within the ether of strangers there exists a large outermost circle of acquaintances. Inside it resides the class of people most frequently conflated with 'friend' in our culture, to whom I’ve been referring by the rather inelegant but necessarily descriptive term person I know and like. These are people of whom we have limited impressions, based on shared interests, experiences, or circumstances, on the basis of which we have inferred the rough outlines of a personhood we regard positively.

Even closer to the core is the kindred spirit, a person whose values are closely akin to our own, one who is animated by similar core principles and stands for a sufficient number of the same things we ourselves stand for in the world. These are the magnifiers of spirit to whom we are bound by mutual goodwill, sympathy, and respect, but we infer this resonance from one another’s polished public selves — our ideal selves — rather than from intimate knowledge of one another’s interior lives, personal struggles, inner contradictions, and most vulnerable crevices of character.

Some kindred spirits become friends in the fullest sense — people with whom we are willing to share, not without embarrassment but without fear of judgment, our gravest imperfections and the most anguishing instances of falling short of our own ideals and values. The concentrating and consecrating force that transmutes a kinship of spirit into a friendship is emotional and psychological intimacy. A friend is a person before whom we can strip our ideal self in order to reveal the real self, vulnerable and imperfect, and yet trust that it wouldn’t diminish the friend’s admiration and sincere affection for the whole self, comprising both the ideal and the real.

It is important to clarify here that the ideal self is not a counterpoint to the real self in the sense of being inauthentic. Unlike the seeming self, which springs from our impulse for self-display and which serves as a kind of deliberate mask, the ideal self arises from our authentic values and ideals. Although it represents an aspirational personhood, who we wish to be is invariably part of who we are — even if we aren’t always able to enact those ideals. In this sense, the gap between the ideal self and the real self is not one of insincerity but of human fallibility. The friend is one who embraces both and has generous patience for the rift between the two. A true friend holds us lovingly accountable to our own ideals, but is also able to forgive, over and over, the ways in which we fall short of them and can assure us that we are more than our stumbles, that we are shaped by them but not defined by them, that we will survive them with our personhood and the friendship intact."

A world beyond..or rather within?

You could wonder why I'd even watch a talk titled 'Zombie roaches and other parasite tales' . I recall liking Ed Yong in some other context...but then it's also true that anything on the fringe fascinates, right? 

This was plain fascinating...almost a creepy kind of fascinating :)

This journey into the micro level actually began for me with Bill Bryson in 'A short history of nearly everything'.....and pretty much changed my perspective to life. If standing by a beach and looking out into the sky can make you wonder at the enormity of the out there...... reading Bryson makes you see a whole new and vast world at the micro level. 

Almost makes you see how what you are comes...... not from seeing yourself from the outside or relative to........but really as from within or maybe a part of. Forgive the abstract, but such spaces do blur the lines between philosophy and physical reality. Gives you wonder time......and wonder time can be one of those most wonderful things too :)

The Hula Hoop Lessons

The Hula Hoop has been a childhood fancy.....just this plain simple circular thingy, and the grace and fun of it.

I bought one....... to quickly realize, that simple looking can be pretty inversely proportional to the difficulty or skill of doing. Try as I might, I couldn't make it stay on my waist. And I'd watch Diksha do it, with such apparent ease and grace, that I'd get so envious at how it seemed to just respond to her bidding, and never mine.

Then the added embarrassment of Diksha smilingly saying, ma, slower....don't move so much.........gently.......and I just tried harder and harder and failed more miserably. 

And it so tantalizingly hung on the wall for months, that one fine day, I decided to put the twenty hour theory to the test. It seemed impossible at first, and not to speak of how foolish you feel when it just keeps dropping off with that most annoying and prolonged clanging onto the floor .....and every few seconds at that. But then all I saw was the twenty hours in my mind, and nothing else...I decided I was going to do it, or die trying kinds (exaggerating to make a point :)...... and guess what....It Worked.

And it taught me more lessons than one.

The obvious one being that the twenty hour theory works, and the second one, and the more profound one being that......  it's not about trying hard, as much as about trying right.

Tamasha ...again

Well, I watched Tamasha again...and as with a good book, so also with a good movie I guess...enjoyed it all over...and also saw more

                

To stay with the underlying theme of the movie..... the interface between the 'real' and the 'role', and how often it's the role that becomes the 'real'.  A couple of sequences that bring this out well.

One, when Tara is telling Ved (of the present), how the man she fell in love with was different....and he's like 'that was a fake week, and a fake me' and she's like no 'that fake you was the real you, this is naqli..,,,you're in a role, you've become the role....and the role is now bigger than you'.

And another, and I think the defining moment in the movie...... the moment when Ved goes back to the storyteller, in search of his own story......and the story teller says...'tumhari kahani, aur mujhse poochraheho? tum kya chahathe ho?', and you realize Ved doesn't recognize the question, he's lost his ability to ask for himself....and echoes 'main kya chahatha hoon?'.....and that's his turning point.......

Empathy is Difficult

From Seth

"If you believed what he believes, you'd do precisely what he's doing.

Think about that for a second. People act based on the way they see the world. Every single time.

Understanding someone else's story is hard, a job that's never complete, but it's worth the effort"

And I'd add; just be discerning in where you put in that effort.......possibilities range from 'absolutely brilliant to absolutely futile' .......after all, our energy is limited :)

Cinderella

Last night our choice of movie was between Mama Mia and Cinderella, and Diksha chose Cinderella because she wanted me to watch. While I started reluctantly, I very quickly got drawn into it. It's an authentic retelling of a beloved classic...... where goodness and niceness works.

            

It was like getting to know Cinderella afresh. While she's not new age or anything, she is also no meek, walk over me girl...she knows her stuff, wants what she wants....has a lot of spunk and spirit..... and I guess that's also why I liked it. 

Also loved the detail of the fairy godmother sequence .......turning  pumpkin into chariot, mice into horses, lizards into footmen, her mothers old wedding dress into the beautiful ball gown and..... of course creating the glass slippers....they still hold so much charm. And it's almost strange how much, because the moments when she leaves that one slipper on the staircase, the moment when the single slipper fits only her perfectly, are so gripping (moments etched in the mind I guess) that you still sit with bated breath and unblinking eyes, so you don't miss them.

And Lily James plays the part to perfection, as she's not just all beauty, but has the niceness and charm that manifest her values of courage and kindness. 

Couple of lines from the movie which just stayed:

"Just because it's what's done, doesn't mean it's what should be done!"

"When there is kindness, there is goodness. When there is goodness, there is magic. And Ella continued to see the world not as it is, but as it could be if only you believe in courage and kindness and occasionally just a little bit... of magic."

Why Writing A Personal Essay Is An Emotional Roller Coaster

Excerpts of an interesting write up on Lifehack, and I empathize with Gen Y for how much they get judged by us 'mature adults'........  and this just because they have the courage to question and they choose to be themselves.

            

"With the ability to post anything online, more and more people are starting to write personal essays. People across the world can read your essay, hear what you have to say, and judge you. This last factor is the one which adds a strong emotional element to writing a personal essay.

If you belong to Generation Y, you are already familiar with the way people judge you and your actions and how they say you “just want attention.” Sharing a very personal story is hard and scary, as it involves a lot of emotion, but when someone decides to do this, it’s always for a good reason, not just for attention on themselves.

Celebrities often use their own fame or notoriety to speak their minds about the latest news or events. Take for example J.K. Rowling’s Brexit essay, or Chelsea Handler, who stood up and spoke about her abortion at 16 years of age. We are used to celebrities drawing attention to themselves, so when someone does something a celebrity usually does, the first instinct is to think they are in need of attention.

A personal essay refers to one’s life — a real person went through situations which left a mark on them. When the mark is deep, you feel the need to speak up and tell others about your experience. But you always have to accept the fact your essay will stir up mixed emotions and will turn you into a target for bullying and tough criticism. Readers will perceive your writings in millions of ways. They will often forget that it’s your own life they are judging. You have to accept this before even writing the first word of your essay.

So, when you receive feedback, positive or negative, you should still be proud of your accomplishments. Be glad when you are able to touch people, because it means they heard you. They read your article and learned about your experience. Regardless if they want it or not, a piece of your life will stick with them forever, influencing them in a teeny tiny way.

Writers, keep writing and readers, continue to comment, it inspires us!"

The Riders Inn

The other day, while driving  to Parivarthan, I saw a banner announcing the opening of 'The Riders Inn'. It's then that I recalled Diksha last month mentioning that her friend Deepak, and she were working at what I recalled as The Bikers Cafe. They'd been working hard a lot of last month, parallely on two projects in fact.... they'd come back with paint all over their clothes, legs numb and dog tired. 

But considering neither of them does too many pictures, I just got to see some random, mostly incomplete pictures intermittently, and hadn't really pieced them together. It's only after seeing the banner that their work sunk in as a reality.

The art work on the walls of this cafe, the Riders Inn, is done by Deepak, helped by Diksha. Here's pictures from the place.

Love the colors and energy of this piece

That's Deepak, on the job

An interesting piece...a mechanical heart

This one's interesting too, part real and part painting

Diksha and Deepak, beautiful work, admire the grit and determination of so many hours and hours of painting, and that standing, rushing against dead lines, great job....... proud of both of you !!

Two Lovely Movies In One Day

That may not be unusual to many....actually it's not like it's my first either.

But to catch two real nice movies, that too by chance on TV, that was amazing. 'Dil Chahtha Hai' and 'Julie and Julia', both reruns for me, but such wonderful reruns.

And as I sat down wondering which to pick first, I saw they had a common thread that ran through them....all about relationships....and relationships of a different kind...so, just doing both together, short versions (hopefully :)

Dil Chahtha Hai

About a deep bond between three friends, and a nice was that it's on male camaraderie with an openness that's not just refreshing, but pretty unusual in the real world. Men seem to have an issue opening up and talking about themselves, the male ego, conditioning, whatever. If women have issues in recognizing and expressing anger, men do in recognizing and expressing other feelings.... it's no wonder women are considered emotionally stronger. 

Back to the movie....while they each progress into their own love interests, the heart of the film is the bond between the three guys. It's clean and non complicated....unusual was the relationship between Sid (Akshaye Khanna) and Tara (Dimple Kapadia); she is not just fifteen years older, but also a divorcee and alcoholic...but deep, intense and nicely kept in non labeled and non judgmental space. And of course Dimple looks ravishing (I'm a big fan :). It's great music too. A sincere and intelligent movie that can tug at the heart strings. 

Julie and Julia:



An absolute delight.

It's based on a book that's an autobiography, so a true story too. Julie Powell (Amy Adams), unhappy with her job, decides to do something that gives her joy, and starts off on this project..... a blog that will document her cooking of 524 recipes in 365 days, of Julia Child's cookbook.

The movie cuts back and forth between the lives of Julie and Julia, separated by about thirty years, and the single mindedness that drives both the women through their passion with food, with cooking and their discovering purpose..... and themselves in the process. 

Julie spends the year almost in a constant conversation with Julia, a Julia who lives just in her head, an imaginary friend. And the love she feels for her is surreal and touched deep. 

A moment which also stayed was when Julia is sending off her book to the publisher and says something like 'I want to savor this moment..the moment when anything is possible...when it's about what I've done.....when I can think that millions could like it'. It's the moment of possibility which contains it all....the creativity, the imagination, the effort, the struggle, the joy of the writing...before it's out for judgement by the other. A moment you can own forever.

I think its one of Meryl Streeps best....in fact saw more Julia than Meryl Streep there.

I also loved how Julie starts to blog, the doubts, the fear, the uncertainty......and how her mother just doesn't get it....... her thrill on the first comment.....how the flow and faith grow....how it becomes larger than most other things.... how it slowly grows into a conduit to herself. Well.....it's surely what it does best :)

Nietzsche’s 10 Rules for Writers

I remember reading Nietzsche in college. The well known 'Thus Spake Zarathustra'. He was tough to understand.....  bold, insightful and subversive...... and the book left a huge impact. I remember having to read some parts over and over, as his style was complex. 

So now, when I came across Nietzsche's 10 rules for writers, it naturally caught my attention. So for old times sake, here they are.

In 1882, Friedrich Nietzsche set down ten stylistic rules of writing in a series of letters to the Russian-born writer, intellectual, and psychoanalyst Lou Andreas-Salomé .Smitten with 21-year-old Andreas-Salomé, Nietzsche decided to make her not only his intellectual protégé, but also his wife, allegedly proposing marriage at only their second meeting.

And Andreas-Salomé writes: 'To examine Nietzsche’s style for causes and conditions means far more than examining the mere form in which his ideas are expressed; rather, it means that we can listen to his inner soundings. Like a gold ring, each aphorism tightly encircles thought and emotion. Nietzsche created, so to speak, a new style in philosophical writing, which up until then was couched in academic tones or in effusive poetry: he created a personalized style; Nietzsche not only mastered language but also transcended its inadequacies. What had been mute, achieved great resonance.

Collected under the heading “Toward the Teaching of Style,” they read:

1. Of prime necessity is life: a style should live.

2. Style should be suited to the specific person with whom you wish to communicate. (The law of mutual relation.)

3. First, one must determine precisely “what-and-what do I wish to say and present,” before you may write. Writing must be mimicry.

4. Since the writer lacks many of the speaker’s means, he must in general have for his model a very expressive kind of presentation of necessity, the written copy will appear much paler.

5. The richness of life reveals itself through a richness of gestures. One must learn to feel everything  the length and retarding of sentences, interpunctuations, the choice of words, the pausing, the sequence of arguments — like gestures.

6. Be careful with periods! Only those people who also have long duration of breath while speaking are entitled to periods. With most people, the period is a matter of affectation.

7. Style ought to prove that one believes in an idea; not only that one thinks it but also feels it.

8. The more abstract a truth which one wishes to teach, the more one must first entice the senses.

9. Strategy on the part of the good writer of prose consists of choosing his means for stepping close to poetry but never stepping into it.

10. It is not good manners or clever to deprive one’s reader of the most obvious objections. It is very good manners and very clever to leave it to one’s reader alone to pronounce the ultimate quintessence of our wisdom.

The Dance of Anger

Anger needs no introduction..... we're all only too familiar :)

Yet, in how comfortable we are with it, how we recognize it, how we interface with it, how we manifest it, how we handle it.....I'm sure we all hugely differ. 

For a long long while, I stayed with the opinion that 'Anger is Bad' period. I needed to be this person who never got ruffled, never got mad, never shouted, always smiled through, had an indefinite supply of patience. I actually had a penalty for myself for times when I got angry, a stricter one for times when I lost my temper. And slowly, but surely, it worked. (that it was converting into hurt, anxiety, guilt, resentment and such was lost on me). And I did such a thorough job of it that I also lot my ability to identify it, to recognize it, and so to use it.....use it as a symptom, a symptom that tells that all is not well.

In this context, the book 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Lerner, does an incisive deep dive into Anger.( especially in the context of gender, and how as a society women have not been allowed the luxury of even holding onto their own anger)

She states....Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self, our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions are being compromised in a relationship.  

Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of Anger. Sugar and Spice and everything nice are the ingredients we are made of. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect and placate the world.

It is an interesting sidelight that our language does not have one unflattering term to describe men who vent their anger (as against shrews, bitches, witches, hags, nags and so on). Even such epithets as 'bastard' and 'son of a bitch' place the blame on the woman.

Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask 'Is my anger legitimate' is similar to asking 'do I have a right to be thirsty?' Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel, and anger is no exception.

There is, however, another side of the coin: If feeling angry signals a problem, venting anger does not solve it. 

Normal styles of managing anger include silent submission, ineffective fighting, blaming and emotional distancing. We need to look at ways in which we betray and sacrifice the self in order to preserve harmony with others. She calls it de-selfing.

Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all. 

There are questions about Anger, that may be helpful to ask ourselves:

What am I really angry about? What is the real issue here?

What is the problem, and whose problem is it?

How can I sort out who is responsible for what?

How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?

When I'm angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?
What do I want to accomplish?

What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?

The questions may seem simple. but they are really not. It is amazing how frequently we march off to battle without knowing what the war is all about.

Also, to keep in mind that change happens very slowly. No matter how crazy or self defeating our current behavior appears to be, it exists for a reason and may serve  a positive and protective function for ourselves or others. If we get ambitious and try to change too much too fast, we may stir up so much anxiety and emotional intensity within ourselves and others as to eventually reinstate old patterns and behaviors. Or we may end up hastily cutting off from an important relationship, which is not necessarily what you want.

Managing anger effectively goes hand in hand with developing a clearer "I" and knowing yourself better. Many of our problems with anger occur when we choose between having a relationship and having a self. Identifying and managing your anger well is what enables having both. De-selfing is at the heart of our most serious anger problems. When we accept the realities of a situation, we may have some painful choices to make. Do we choose to stay in a particular relationship or situation? Do we choose to leave? Do we stay and try to do something different ourselves?

Often times the short term answer which appears simpler is to continue with our old familiar ways, even when personal experience has shown them to be less than effective. In the long run, however, there is much to be gained at looking into these questions....it enables moving towards a more fulfilled and authentic life.

Well, that's a lot said about anger , a subject I've stayed away from for too long :)

A Progressive Mom....

This was a conversation I happened to overhear during my walk yest morning. Two people, apparently a mother and her son, son in his late twenties maybe, totally involved, engrossed and purposeful.

The snippet from the mother:

"neevu tikka tikkaga matladaku.........gamunna lechipo.......aayana manishi kaadu, nee matalu ardham kaavu...... avva kavali, buvva kavali ante kaadu...,, maata vinnu raa, lechipo......."

(Don't talk nonsense, just runaway (elope)....he(the father I presume) is not human, he won't understand you...you want the cake and eat it too won't happen....please listen to me...just run away)

I was talking to my aunt later in the day, and narrated this, and she was like..."what a progressive mom"

And I'd say salute, to both the women :)

Give up and Go up Goals

From Seth

You will benefit when you tell lots of people your give up goals. Tell your friends when you want to give up overeating or binging or being a boor. Your friends will make it ever more difficult for you to feel good about backsliding.

On the other hand, the traditional wisdom is that you should tell very few people about your go up goals. Don't tell them you intend to get a promotion, win the race or be elected prom king. That's because even your friends get jealous, or insecure on your behalf, or afraid of the change your change will bring.

Here's the thing: If that's the case, you need better friends.

A common trait among successful people is that they have friends who expect them to move on up.

It's So Easy

'It's So Easy - When You Know How' by Harry Moses; This was a book I picked up with some hesitation and apprehension, essentially because I'd never heard of it, never heard of the author, was not a bestseller, no one had recommended it......that said, I'm glad I did.

                                             

He talks of some deep and complex concepts with a simplicity and ease that's quite charming. It's a book "about long term happiness, about understanding ourselves and becoming comfortable in our own body, on this planet and in the universe".

Goethe said "....the most difficult thing is to turn your thoughts into actions". Harry challenges that concept and suggests that the most difficult thing is figuring out what you want. He states that as we look more deeply into this concept, we discover that it is the mechanism of choice that is the starting point for all activity. The level of confidence in our ability to make a choice and the conviction in the choice we make, seems to dictate the degree of impact our decisions may have on our own lives or the lives of others.

More than a review, I'm putting here some lines from the book which I took down....it's a childhood habit.........as I read, I write down lines I like, not because I'll ever reread, but because it just deepens the connect I guess.

Thoughts are more than things..they are the cause of things

My perception of possibilities determines my possibilities

Change is inevitable, growth is optional

We pose an interesting enigma to life when we want things to be different and we don't want anything to change

The only God you will ever know is knocking at the door of your own consciousness.....

It is a curious thing that to the degree you withhold energy, you no longer have that energy

Forgiveness is always something that you do to yourself

There is a definite correlation between one's attitude of expectation and one's experience. The tone of the events in my life follow the pattern of my own expectation.

Man is not what he thinks he is, but he is what he thinks

What Cat Decided...For Her, And For Us

This literally happened, she decided....and we just had to go along.

This cat (diksha, very imaginatively, christened her 'Cat' :) saga has been going on a while now. She adopted us when she was a little kitten, maybe two years back.....hung around for a few months and then disappeared for almost an year. Adopted as in, she was allowed free entry in the house but not live in :). Diksha and I really missed having her around, but she was nowhere to be found.

Then suddenly last month she appeared. Fell into routine of feeding her and her daily strolls into the house.... then we soon discovered she was pregnant. Well, we fed her a little more, but there was no way we could have her litter in the house as we were both out of home most of the day.

But guess she had other plans....this morning, she walks in with her little kitten in her mouth.....leaving us with very little choice.  

I first thought it was a rat she was carrying

Down came the dish basket, and a nice ironed curtain, as we had zero thinking time :)

It's so little, must be about three to four days old, and it looks nothing like a cat, or even a kitten...in fact nothing cute even.....it can't walk or see...it kind of swims on the floor.

Both of them nicely settled, and now starts our issue of how we're going to handle this...... that we would, I guess she just knew.

Well, a couple hours later, she brought in one more, and an hour later yet another....and I was totally freaking out........ but like diksha said, if we can handle one, we can handle them all :)

'Knowing' Your Experience

To know your experience….does it even make sense as a sentence? We’d obviously know our experience, right.

But when you look a little closer, you realize it's not all that obvious. It's about the varying levels of awareness with which you know or feel something.

                     

One thing that is fundamentally distinctive to man, is the ability to be aware.... self aware. It's such an intrinsic and deep ability, yet one that gets taken for granted, used mostly at subliminal levels. It's like someone said, "you always have awareness, but you need to be aware that you have the awareness"

Events and experiences happen to all of us......life in its details, its routine, its excitements, it's sorrows, its beauty, it's pain, it's joys........the entire spectrum. We can either just be in it as participant....or we can become aware of it beyond......not just as a participant, but as observer, as spectator.... we can connect to a particular experience at a deeper level, capture it's subtler facets, feel it in an added dimension.

This by choice. Simply by switching on a higher level of awareness. At first maybe for specific and intense experiences, but I think it can slowly become a way of life.

Let’s take an example: Say Raagini who did her first stage performance last month. 

She comes out feeling good, but also worried about that one step that might have gone wrong, or the time when both her anklets got stuck together and she almost lost balance, and how someone told her she could smile more. The next layer could be to connect into how it’s eight years of relentless effort that has culminated in that dance….. how she went all those days when she didn’t feel like it….. how her long hair which she always wanted cut, was so admired that day….how graceful and pretty she looked... how she was not just water, or a tree or a deer but had a significant amount of stage time and lots of dance….and with that her whole experience of the evening is so enhanced. 

And awareness not just into other facets of the experience but also into feelings, thoughts, behavior......as every experience has more layers than apparent.

Such experiences also get to sit in your memory in a manner that lends itself beautifully to recall. Super useful for learning and growth, in fact critical I'd think.....and bonus, the ones that matter become 'forever moments' by choice. 

It's a hugely enriching process.

An Interview with Dad

Well, what warrants an interview with ones own father, right? That's what I would have thought too. But it was a thought triggered by a sudden change in circumstances...circumstances which significantly changed life for him.

And as I did it, I realized what a different perspective it brings in. Talking, chatting, discussing is an ongoing process, but structure brought in a nice, renewed vigor and focus....it even told me things about him I hadn't known in all my years. Was such a worthwhile exercise. 

That's him at his second favorite place...first one's on the opposite chair before the PC

The circumstances: After almost twenty years of battling a controllable, but developing arthritic knee pain, he took a decision to go in for a knee replacement surgery. That started the exercise of identifying doctors, hospitals, checkups et al, and the date for surgery was finally fixed for 4th July '2016. 

During the period, he even decided that once his knee was back to normal, he'd do a trip to the Sunderbans, and maybe one to rural UK ( diehard Thomas Hardy fan :).

A couple days before the surgery, the hospital ran a battery of pre-operative medical tests. We thought this was just a routine procedure......but how wrong we were. The tests, or rather the results, threw a spanner on all our hopes and plans. He was diagnosed with a heart aneurysm, needing immediate open heart surgery.... the heart is more important than the knee said the surgeon. And dad was declared unfit for knee surgery.

Everything (including, for a while, even thinking) came to a screeching halt.

Life has, needless to say, undergone a complete change..... and it's under these circumstances that I did the interview: Rest in Q & A

Me: I was with you when  the cardiac surgeon said "you have a highly enlarged ascending vessel (aorta), which if not replaced, could rupture at any time, and when it happens, it could be catastrophic". What went on in your mind at that moment.

Dad: I knew I was in trouble......my whole world seemed to turn upside down... and life seemed to have come a full circle, the actual trauma set in later ... later that night, but I still knew I didn't want to go in for an open heart surgery. I've lived 82 years, and it's a good life period, and I was ready to take life as it comes. Same option at 70 would have been a total dilemma.

Me: So, do you feel you have more clarity at 80?

Dad: At 70, or even 75, the desire to carry on was still involuntary without a single thought about my well being.

Me: So, what brought in this change or clarity now?

Dad: Because, at 82, I realized that I should be thankful for what I've led.... at 81, I even went to Alaska, which was a dream since college.

Me: Any rethoughts since then?

Dad: No, it was a good decision and there are no regrets.

Me: Do you see a difference in your attitude towards life now?

Dad: On the day we came back from the hospital, I was dazed.... and I fell terribly sick that night, in fact it was a near death experience...maybe a subconscious reaction to realizing that life, after all, was coming to an end. I was totally disoriented and thought life was ending.......but next morning I was normal.

Me: It's been a month since that date, do you see a difference?

Dad: That knowledge doesn't bother me much anymore...but I'm also vaguely conscious that it can end at any moment....or go on for a couple of years.

Me: Does that knowledge make you want to do anything differently?

Dad: No. Nothing.

Me: Do you have anything in mind that you feel you should have done in this life?

Dad: Sooo many....all that I will hopefully achieve in my next life :)

Me: Is there any country you wanted to visit and couldn't?

Dad: Yes. I wanted to visit Hungary and Poland and see the German death camps at Auschwitz-Birkenau and Belzec. 

Me: Woah...I've even heard of only Auschwitz. I'm switching...From your experience, what would be your advice for all of us?

Dad: 

Until sixty you don't need to worry about your health.....whatever health status you are maintaining at seventy will last you till the end. After 70, you should evince as much care on yourself as if you are 80, without taking numbers for granted. Otherwise, life will hit and hit you hard, as it has happened to me.

Your relationships matter a lot... with whoever you are in contact with, the relationship should be good, else it directly hits your life

Money..... by itself it's not about being important, or not important.... but being financially independent is critical

You should not let anyone take control of your life

Live independently till the end, it's best to not live with your children ( I was happy about the fact that he was able to tell me this, showed me how much space each of us had to be ourselves)

Never be an imposition on anybody, have your own house, you can live even on thousand rupees a month, if you have that house

Me: Hmmm...some interesting thoughts there...anything else you want to say?

Dad: I'm actually a scared kind of person, but I'm amazed that inspite of all that's happened now, I feel so normal. We learn something everyday of our lives.

I firmly believe that at times of greatest risk, an invisible hand of help is extended to us....there's a supernatural power that guides you through life, even meeting the right person at the right time, something always takes care of you.... in fact if you look back, you can trace it to the day. As Bhagwad Gita says, I am quoting Swami Sukbodananda, 'you may be walking on embers, but a flowery hand guides you through it'.

Me: Do you ever think about what it would be like after?

Dad: After?....after death you mean?

Me: Yes. Still hard for me to say the word

Dad: I am looking forward to being born again.....in my next birth I would want to be an Engine Driver (dad's dp is a train :).......I've done enough research to know it's doable though it doesn't yet subscribe to our norms of dignity of labor ..... so my second option is an Aeroplane pilot, and if not that...a Geologist again :)

Me: Lets say you got to heaven, who would you want to meet first?

Dad: Haha...that I won't tell :)

Me: If you had a choice of 'where', where would you want to be born?

Dad: India only.... and this is inspite of travelling extensively all over the world. In fact South India....nothing like Sambar Rice with lime pickle, and Masala Dosa !

This was such an interesting experience, not to speak of fun and learning, that I'd want to do more and more episodes, with him and with others...inspiration to set my very own version of a Proust Questionnaire :)

When Technology Messed With Me

I'm a huge fan of technology. Despite all the critique it throws up, despite the issues on privacy, and social networks, and security, and a ton of others.......what it enables and empowers, especially in terms of a knowledge equalizer, is what stands out for me. I find myself at the receiving end of many an argument on it.....be it on Google, Kindle or Pokemon Go.

Today I found myself at the direct receiving end :)

The simplest technology I used, Google Calendar. When my counselling course began back in May, I'd set my calendar dates for rest of year.....I'd set it for Friday and Saturday to repeat every two weeks. And where had I erred? What now seems like a very basic mistake, ( hindsight is better than foresight :)  for a schedule of every second and fourth Saturday, I'd set to every second week.

July came with five weekends, and there my calendar schedule went for a full toss. 

I realized this when I walked into Parivarthan this morning, only to realize we had the session next week and not this.

First I just felt foolish...and soon my heart sank.  Not because I'd driven all the way, or skipped my walk, or needed to co-ordinate the cook, or such, but because Girija and I had a trip planned for next weekend, a trip to Tanjore.

This was a trip which was first thought of almost a couple of years back, and was just marinating since. Last month it started getting real, when we realized that my stay in Bangalore now had a real timeline. It slowly picked up traction, and just yesterday she had all the bookings done, the train, the bus, the hotel,  and all after a lot of discussion and back and forth. ( Girija did every little bit of it, just adding to my guilt).

So imagine my plight when I realized how the dates were screwed up. 

I toyed with the idea of skipping class, but it's two full days and so heavy in content that I couldn't afford to. In fact when the course began we were told to make sure no family weddings were fixed on these dates, like that pertinent. So that as an option had to get ruled out.

The only option left was to cancel the trip, and handle the disappointment, and all the other emotions it threw up.

One clear lesson to me; whatever support system you choose, be it technology, a process, an idea, a place, a person....also keep your own eyes and ears open....does the ownership and control lie there or with you........ Awareness at all times :)

And to Girija.... the disappointment is shared.... the guilt and apologies all mine :(

8 Signs You’re Good At Communication With Listening

I found this to be a nice and comprehensive write up on Listening, from Lifehack

While it is easy to assume that good speakers and public orators are outstanding communicators, these individuals may not have exceptional listening skills. This is a core, rare and special communication skill, however, and one that studies suggest is continually in decline across the globe.

8 Signs you are Good at Listening

1. You have Strong Empathy as a Good Listener

Empathy is central to good listening, primarily because it enables individuals to truly understand opposing viewpoints. They are also compelled to hear their conversation partners’ out without imparting their own views, making it easier to achievable a beneficial resolution going forward.

The concept of empathetic listening also underpins mutual trust between individuals, and this is pivotal in both personal and professional relationships.

2. You ask follow-up questions

Similarly, a good listener does not interrupt others’ flow by interjecting with their own stories or insights. Instead, they ask follow-up questions based on what they have just heard, encouraging others to continue to share in an open and frank manner.

If you friend is talking to you about how bad their boss is, for example, emphasise with statements such as ‘oh, that’s a shame’ before asking question such as ‘what did they do?” This allows the conversation to develop organically and to the benefit of both parties.

3. You Know how to respond across all topics

Let’s face facts, we have all participated in discussions where we have minimal interest. Great listeners have an innate ability to respond meaningfully and positively in such conversations, however, as they hone in on relevant points of interest and determine the main snipets of information.

Such points would also trigger key questions, while great listeners will also repeat certain things that they hear to reinforce their participation in the conversation.

4. You do not react angrily to criticism or points of disagreements

Good listeners tend to be emotionally intelligent, meaning that they are sensitive to their feelings and those of the people around them. This means that they do not react angrily or impulsively to criticism or specific points of disagreement, and instead remain objective until their conversation partner has finished talking.

These emotional responses will be replaced with objective questions, which are designed to learn more and develop far greater insight.

5. You think beyond Words to truly understand your conversation partners

Listening is a broad and fluid art, and one that involves far more than words alone. You must also consider the meaning of tone, gestures and facial expressions, as these also convey messages and help you to understand how those around you are feeling.

Similarly, you also need to link specific words and thoughts to reveal overall themes and ideas. This demands concentration and focus, but it enables you to use your listening skills to maximise the creativity and cooperation of others.

6. You appreciate listening as a Learning Process

When interacting with others, great listeners consider this to be a tremendous learning process in terms of understanding others and driving self-improvement. Not only this but they also appreciate the process of learning through listening, while continuing to process data as they communicate with others.

Appreciation is crucial, as this helps to maintain your engagement levels and truly benefit from the lessons that are available through the wisdom of others.

7. You use your Body Language to show you are engaged

On a similar note, great listeners also use their own body languages and gestures to underline their engagement with speakers. This entails maintaining eye contact with speakers and undertaking affirmative gestures such as nodding,  as you empower others to share their thoughts and reassure them that their voice is being heard.

8. You realise your shortcomings as a Listener

As strange as it may sound, accepting your shortcomings as a listener is key to optimising your skills and improving in the future. This reflects the fact that no single individual can pick on everything that everyone is saying all of the time, and we must compromise by learning from our respective failures and accepting our imperfections.

The key is that you maintain the intention of listening to others at all time, and forgive yourself in instances where you fail or miss the point of what people are saying. Without this attitude, you will struggle to develop your skills and instead spend your time berating yourself for failures.

Ultimately, these points should help you to understand truth about listening skills and appreciate your own abilities. It may also offer you inspiration to improve in the future, as you look to become a more thoughtful and most importantly a good listener.

Managing the Gap

From Seth

There's a space between where you are now and where you want to be, ought to be, are capable of being.

A gap between your reality and your possibility.

Imagine that space as a gulf or a chasm and you'll become paralyzed, stuck in the current situation.

And refuse to see it at all and you'll merely be self-satisfied, and just as stuck.

The magic of forward movement is seeing the space as leap-sized, as something that persistent, consistent effort can get you through.

The most likely paths are the ones where you can see the steps.

Your problem might not be that you're not trying hard enough. It might be that you're seeing the opportunity in the wrong way.

Johari Window

By definition, the Johari window is a technique used to help people better understand their relationship with themselves and others, created by psychologists Joseph Luft and Harrington Ingham, from whose names Joe and Harry that the concept is named. It is used primarily as a heuristic exercise towards self awareness.

It's a window which has four quadrants of the self:

A) Open and free area: the part of you that both you, and others know

B) Blind area: that part of you that you don't know, but others know

C) Hidden area or Façade: that part of you that you know, and others do not know

D) Unknown area: that part of you that neither you, nor others know

The aim of the Johari window is to work on developing or expanding A, the open quadrant

We did the Johari window in class the other day, and it was interesting when Kshitij pointed out ' If we can crack the fourth quadrant, isn't that what we'd call moksha or nirvana', and while most of the class laughed, I believe he was very close to the truth.

Growth, be it spiritual or cognitive....... is, after all, about expansion of consciousness. 

"For most people, the level of self-awareness is quite modest, and we all tend to operate on surface-level emotions and behaviors, adding our own interpretation through a set of complex, sub-conscious perceptual and egoic filters". 

Quadrant B, the unknown to self, has the blind spots which create the filter on how you see things.....it distorts what you see by applying meaning to given situations....which can often leave you feeling hurt, angry, judged and so on. And the surprising thing is that your blind spot is often visible to others, and just plain good old feedback can help dissolve the blind areas and expand the conscious quadrant from A into B.

And as you get more self aware, you get more secure and accepting of yourself, and you will then be willing to open up your own hidden area from quadrant C...... and that's how A expands into C.

The magic then happens in D, the fourth quadrant of the 'Unknown', which grows through the shared discovery. As A grows into B and C, you start to have frequent 'ahas' and they start to provide insights into the 'unknown area', and that's when there's more and more of you that moves into the open and conscious space, and the A grows, as the rest diminishes.

I thought it was quite fascinating....as process.... and as representation of process :)