Deepawali

Diwali brings with it a warm glow, not just from the lights and crackers, but also from deep within. Whatever it's story and origin, with theme being the triumph of light over darkness, knowledge over ignorance, hope over despair, good over evil...... it's so beautifully represented through the lighting of deepams (earthenware oil lamps)

A quintessential part of diwali for us has also been lighting of this lamp, every year for the last twenty or so years. And I was so thrilled to come across an old diwali picture (as I was browsing through some old albums...of the physical kind )

Dhruva and Diksha....... on different diwalis

The beauty of the passage of time.........

A Footpath Transformed

Come Diwali and the footpath in front of our apartment in Hyderabad, goes through major transformation. It's so amazing how simply and beautifully the flower sellers take over the place.

Two days before Diwali, was tent being put in place

By evening the flowers were in

By the next day I knew Sai Krishna and family :)

Two days..and almost all flowers sold, they said they sold about five quintals of flowers

Sure, we bought from them too...diksha putting up the flower thoranam at home

In fact one year, we'd left the car parked on the road, and by evening it had become part of their floral display.....they had their flowers all over the car as well.... guess nothing will stop them.  

And what's best, they just stay there all of three days, including sleep there the nights. That's commitment to business I guess. And to us, it just adds more color and flower around !

From Mom's Old Album

A visit to Hyderabad seems to be like digging into a treasure chest. If one time was finding an old Readers Digest Publication with which I'd spent hours and hours of growing up time.....another was finding remnants of my old stamp collection, which enabled some wonderful reminiscing. 

This time round it was old photographs that my mom had dug out. One that she especially kept after seeing the post on The Trek........is an old school time picture of Sujata and me, and yes, a b&w picture to boot.

                        

This brought back not just one or two or three, but pretty much an avalanche of memories. Right from walking to school together every morning for years on end....... buying our first cycles together,......playing the rough and tough lagori with the boys..... hours and hours of rummy and bluff......shuttle in the galli.........competing over the carrom board....... arguments over scrabble........ and chess, there were often times chess games have sat overnight before completion......exchanging first Mills and Boons....... giggling over childhood crushes.......sharing notes on first boyfriends........the list is endless. 

It now suddenly explained to me the answer to the question I raised on the trek...'it's on her bucket list, what am I doing here?'.....the question just fell away. Almost seemed like, If not me, who?

Sujata bol....aur kya hai teri bucket list pe :)

Emotions are Contagious

This was an interesting read, especially so because this has been an often discussed point between me and a friend....'on how much others moods and energies affect us...how much we can guard ourselves against others moods and energies...... and how inspite of the best insulation there's some peoples moods that just seem to impact us no matter what'

This write up from Daniel Goleman and others definitely clarifies. Apparently emotional contagion is a reality....and it happens at a more subtle level than we know.

'Most emotional contagion is typically at a subtle, almost imperceptible level; the way a salesperson says thank you can leave us feeling ignored, resented, or genuinely welcomed and appreciated. We catch feelings from one another as though they were some kind of social virus.

Emotional intelligence includes managing this exchange; "popular" and "charming" are terms we use for people whom we like to be with because their emotional skills make us feel good. People who are able to help others soothe their feelings have an especially valued social commodity; they are the souls others turn to when in greatest emotional need. 

Research has indicated that the mood of the one who was more expressive of emotions gets transferred to the more passive partner.

Sigal Barasade, a researcher at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, noted “There was this woman, I didn’t even report to her, but she was on my same floor, and she was just so intense and negative all the time. And then one day, she went on vacation. I literally felt my shoulders lower , the whole department felt more relaxed and happy, she said. “Then she came back, and it all got bad again.” And thus, a research obsession was sparked.

How does this magical transmission occur? The most likely answer is that it happens at an unconscious level, through an out-of-awareness motor mimicry of their facial expression, gestures, tone of voice, and other nonverbal markers of emotion. The changes are evident through electronic sensors but are typically not visible to the naked eye.

When two people interact, the direction of mood transfer is from the one who is more forceful in expressing feelings to the one who is more passive. Also, some people are particularly susceptible to emotional contagion; their innate sensitivity makes their autonomic nervous system (a marker of emotional activity) more easily triggered. This ability seems to make them more impressionable; sentimental commercials can move them to tears, while a quick chat with someone who is feeling cheerful can buoy them (it also may make them more empathic, since they are more readily moved by someone else's feelings).

Just as Daniel Stern found in watching the synchrony between attuned mothers and their infants, the same reciprocity links the movements of people who feel emotional rapport. This synchrony seems to facilitate the sending and receiving of moods, even if the moods are negative. 

In short, whether people feel upbeat or down, the mood of the one who was more expressive of emotions passes onto the more passive partner, and the more physically attuned their encounter, the more similar their moods will become.

A Trek.....

Last Sunday, Sujata and I did a Trek. A trek up a hill at Channanarayana Durga, around 100 kms from Bangalore.

It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences.
                     

Soon after we got back, I was like "Sujata, bol......theen words mein bol, kaisa tha" (tell me the experience in three words). And she goes...'Exciting'....'Achievement'.......and......and.......beech mein bahuth kuch (lots in between).

And then adds 'beech mein life and death'. Well, I guess an artist, and a poet will say it just right, and she did. 

My take on those three words:

The 'Excitement', in hindsight was all before the trek, all in the anticipation.....because we were completely ignorant, and knew nothing about what a trek comprised of, and had used normal english to understand the word 'moderate' in climbing difficulty......a faux pas for first time trekkers, and definitely so for the not so young trekkers. The fact that it was organized by the Bangalore Mountaineering Club should have set off the alarm bells (but that's if you're listening I guess :)

And 'Achievement', was all after, as we were just glad to have even been able to complete it, and more essentially make it back alive, and in one piece ( what can be bigger achievement after atleast thirty minutes of each moment expecting to lose foothold and roll down the hill). I already had Jack-and- Jill-went-up-the hill ...came- tumbling-after, humming in my head.

What was in between was this horribly tough and terrifying experience, with several this-is-it moments.

Going up was pure undiluted tough........ steep, hot, exerting, breathless....with a couple of distress stops too, when Sujata got dizzy on a steep slope. We have our guide screaming down at her saying, 'no, no, you can't lie down, you'll loose balance and roll', and me saying....'leave her alone, she needs to'.......it was madness.

Then one part of me (actually mostly the whole of me) thinking...I could have been sitting at home and writing......I never intended or even wanted to trek in my life...... We were just planning a historical site visit.....when did this switch happen......this was on her bucket list and not mine.....what the hell am I even doing here :)

Then the crazy effort to keep all those thoughts at bay and focus on the task at hand....focus on the next foothold...focus on keeping the body aligned and alert.......I don't think I've done too many things on sheer mental focus and will, as I did this one. If I ever thought I wasn't strong on will power, that became myth.

And then the coming down.......that was blood chilling, as a single loss of foothold meant a neat roll down. There were places where you had no idea where to even put your foot, as there wasn't even that one centimeter of ledge to get a foothold. (sujata in fact did some stretches sitting, which to me looked even more dangerous).

And our guide then adding his mountaineering gyan 'koyi ghir raha hai tho, usko girne dho, pakadna math, aap bhi giroge' (if someone falls do not hold, else you'll fall too) and to me that sounded like, if you fall, I won't be holding.

That's the Channanarayana Fort right on top

One thing I must mention though. After Sujata had her dizzying spell and all, we managed to get ourselves to a half way mark......one lone tree with some semblance of shade. There she was given energy booster liquids and stuff, and I completely settled down to wait till the rest of the group returns to join them on their way down. 

But within five mins she was like 'chal..utt', and I was so amazed....amazed at the focus and desire that made her overcome the dizzy spell and decide to go ahead. And no amount of sensible talk could change her mind, not that I tried much...it was after all her day. 

And that rest of walk, though as steep and exerting, was so well worth it....in terms of not just the beauty of the fort ruins, the spectacular views, but also to enable that sense of achievement that we carry with us today. Hats off to your grit and determination Sujata !

That was the entire group, seventeen of us.

The upward walk

Sujata, at the top...the fort entrance

                                                      

Some local folks we met within the fort, and from who I was desperately trying to get if there was an easier way down

                       

A part of the fort ruin that reminded me of the King Louie song from Jungle Book

On the way up, somewhere in the beginning......later, even to turn back for a picture we had to find a flat surface, as there's good chance the head would spin if we turned suddenly...might sound exaggerated, but trust me, it was just that.

One of the spectacular views

Some boulders at the base 

This was a total surprise ...a lake, right on top of the hill, inside the fort

                                

A little old temple within the fort ruins, the only shade available, where we had our lunch

Mateesh, an avid and professional mountaineer....one of our guides too. He just so belongs in the mountains...amazing to see that connect that he has.

A scary moment. As you can see, once I let go off that rock, there's really nothing to even hold onto for a long way down.

There's the moment at the top..when S still had the energy for a V :)

A spectacular rockface, and we could actually go under it all the way

If I had to think of an encapsulated instance of pushing boundaries, this would surely be great example. Beyond comfort zone.....in constant awareness of risk.....stretching to achieve.

And yes, each muscle creak the next day (and trust me, they all made themselves felt) was an excruciating but endearing pain...the kind you love to feel, as it's reminder of what caused the pain and the achievement that came with it.  

Core Values

How much do we live in accordance with our own values?

How much are we even aware of what our core values are?

This question stood out for me in three different contexts in the recent past, and each time I saw how pivotal it is to one living life per one's own choice.

                              

One was in our counselling course, where we not just understood how it works, but also did an exercise which enables us to identify and articulate our own values, and then to also become aware of possibly conflicting values, and figure out how we want to align. And then to also be aware of how each plays out in your dealings not just with the external world, but also within yourself.

(For instance, I'd recently met someone to who 'respect' was core value, but she was so focused on respecting others, that she'd lost sight of where the line at respecting herself was getting compromised.)

Another was in an article by a business leaders coach, titled 'How To Make Powerful Decisions Based On Values', where he says....'rarely does he find decisions not taken because of lack of information, but more because of an underlying fear, all blocked by 'what if's'. Caution turns into paralysis and we dread the decision. We may even begin to wish it away.'

And he writes: 

"When I’m working with my clients and they are hesitating making a decision, we always go back to what’s important to them and the things they love.

In our work together they have created a vision of their work and life that represents their greatest values. When we talk about their vision and values, their stress level goes down and the answer to their current problem becomes clear."

A lovely quote from the write up

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance.” ~ John Lennon

The third was from the book 'When Breath Becomes Air'. When the author, a neurosurgeon, is diagnosed with third degree lung cancer and his treatment is being charted out, his oncologist repeatedly asks him 'what are your values Paul'...I want us to decide on treatment based on your values. You have a few months left, so choose right. Do you want to be able to operate, do you want to write, or you want longer time with family. And he has to then clearly recognize what matters. And he makes those tough but clear decisions.

And I was left thinking how we don't have to be almost dying to really know our values. Can we just choose to live like that....on regular basis, daily basis. It enables higher possibilities of authenticity and joy. 

New Decisions

Reading Seth on 'Making a new decision based on new information' really resonated with me, as it's a philosophy I hold dear to my heart. In my mind it reads thus:

I make a decision on Monday. The situation shifts on Tuesday. Be capable of changing the decision on Wednesday.

Truth is most people don't. In fact people even take pride in saying, 'once I've decided I don't change my mind', and that's a trait that's socially glorified and over hyped, and thus lends itself to many a situations staying status quo even when it's screaming out for change.

In fact I've seen this thrown at me when I wanted change, in personal as also work situations "but, you're the one who said this, you wanted it, it was your decision". ( true, but that was two years ago/ twenty years ago/ last week)

This is also why I don't subscribe to 'will power' as a tool 'to do'.....I'd much rather continue to 'want to do'. It's a way more potent driving force.

Here's excerpts from Seth which set off this train of thought:

"Making a new decision based on new information. This is more difficult than it sounds.

To some people, it means admitting you were wrong.

(But of course, you weren't wrong. You made a decision based on one set of facts, but now you're aware of something new.)

To some people, sunk costs are a real emotional hot button, and walking away from investments of time, of money, and mostly, of commitment, is difficult.

(But of course, ignoring sunk costs is a key to smart decision making).

And, to some people, the peer pressure is enough to overwhelm your desire to make a better decision. 'What will I tell my friends?'

A useful riff you can try:

Sure, I decided that then, when I knew what I knew then. And if the facts were still the same, my decision would be too. But the facts have changed. We've all heard them. New facts mean it's time for me to make a new decision, without regard for what I was busy doing yesterday, without concern for the people who might disagree with me. This decision is more important than my pride."