Turn around days

It's been over two years since I've written in here. And I must admit I've missed it. It's such a joy.

So if I say the day is precious...guess I have reason enough today :)

A day that made me sit up and relook at some very core level stuff. What are the values I'm living by, what narratives do I want to hold and which let go, what boundaries am I willing to push, where does my core value of growth really sit. 

And to be able to ask the question honestly....to have the space for those questions to even come in....that I believe is by  grace, and I'm ever so grateful.

I'm adding in a couple more pictures which are as abstract as these are real....as precious and as meaningful:

Like I started by saying....it's not necessary to understand it all....it's just as good to partake of beauty in whatever form, and the exuberance and joy just flows.

Happy to be back !

A precious day....a precious b'day....and a precious rebirth-day :)

 It's okay if that doesn't completely make sense (or does :)

Somedays just come into your life to fully turn them around. And this is one such, which has by some freak, no providential, chance been repeatedly doing it for me.

I've had milestone events happen on the day.....including today.

Starting with kiwi....it's beloved kiwi's birthday. The day this bundle of joy came into our lives (cause we chose that as his b'day :)

Here's some pictures. (for lack of time, i just dug up from previous posts :)

Ofcourse to start with his b'day. Home baked cake (not to miss the heart shape), and he'd get not just the first big piece but also more than half of it. 

He always wanted to do what they both did, including read....you can tell by dikshas expression how she'd been pushed aside for him to take center stage

So much bonding

and communion

an everyday welcome from school, he'd almost get confused on who to focus on first

once they settled down

Kiwi....while dhruva and diksha may or may not remember other important days from the family, your b'day is one they both just seem to wake up with on this day. And will still do the cake and deepam....a gesture to the fact that you continue to matter. 

Stability - Ability to Adapt

I came across this when I was doing some research on 'Values'.

It was like an aha moment.

Plus, I very quickly realized how many aha moments it was creating for whoever I spoke to about it, be it friends or clients.

Why?

Because it sounds counter intuitive.

The moment you hear 'stability', you are thinking; fixed, concrete, strong, unmoving

and 'Ability to Adapt', brings to mind contrasting thoughts; like scrappy, fluid, moving, flexible

That's when you pause to think of what 'stability' even means.

It's about how you feel within. A measure of how good you are feeling within yourself and with life around you....your surroundings, with your work, in your relationships, with your eco system, all of it.

And then you see it.

Everything is dynamic...in flux....evolving. Most facets of life are on a continuum, And to experience 'stability' you need to be able to adapt to this dynamic system, within and without.

There are some discrete entities like being married or not married, having a job or not....... yet, your work, avocation, health, financial status, relationship intimacy, and level of happiness are generally continuous, meaning that they can gradually get better or worse.

And that brings us to our 'ability to adapt'.

And this done efficiently, smoothly..........and in alignment with ones values is what enables 'stability'.

Recognizing ones values, plus an ability to adapt......and you have 'feelings, thoughts and actions aligned'......which imho is heaven :)

When Girija changed my life

Present day context: a poem from Girija

It was a wow moment to get up to.

This poem from her was on my phone when I got up day before yesterday, 27th morning.....and ofcourse it brought a smile, a deep down one....hard to even go down to how deep. Even if parts of it, like she said 'are brutally honest".

And as I started to write now, my thoughts started to go back, old memories got evoked, and a whole story came alive.

The poem itself is one I so cherish, and to preserve for posterity where better than here :)

Girija, what touched me is just how well you get me.......and what I admire is how beautifully you put it.....the nice parts, and the tough parts.

Thanks for being that friend who's always there, in moods which are joyous, which are reticent, which are questioning, which are confused and even those that are disastrous.

I'll never forget the day, all of fifteen years back, when I came to your house in JNIDB unannounced and said  "take off today, you can't go to work today, please, I need you", and despite it being a tough day for you, you took off...you went for one meeting, cancelled the rest, and stayed back. 

That day was momentous. The Google in the poem, rather in my life, would not have happened had it not been for you that day.

Let me tell the story:

I'd quit IDBI after thirteen years of service and been a stay home mom for five years. Sure I did farming and salsa and painting and carnatic sangeetham and bharatnatyam even......and all that was nice. But that fateful day, I wouldn't be exaggerating if I said I was at my nadir. I was in pain and drowning. And she held that space.

Through talking to her, I reached this space of  'I think I want to go back to work, any job, I don't care about salary, I don't even care what kind of work, yes, I think I want to restart'

And what do I hear....... "apply to google".

Even through my tears I could only laugh.  Here I was, talking of any any job, and she talks of the one company that's known to be the most difficult in the world to get into. I thought she was bonkers.

But no, she was serious. She started to write out a resume, and I was like "chi girija, that doesn't even sound like me". And she's like "just shut up, either you write it, or you let me write it". 

Finally, she let me write four lines of the cover letter, but everything else was her. And before I knew it, the application was done.

Three months of uncertainty, one exam with 99.6 % as bar and four crazy interviews later............I walked through the portals of Google :)

Girija, for the poem, for that day, and for all that you've been and are..... 🙏

Getting into momentum

It's fascinating to see how, even what you love to do takes energy, focus and effort. 

Maybe it's because what you love to do:

is dynamic 

has components that are not in your control 

is that few notches challenging 

pushes you to better yourself

and so on....

likely, one, some, of all of the above

Writing the blog is one such to me. Much as I love it, the gaps come in, the restart is an effort......and so today I'm resorting back to Seth :)

From Seth

Following in the footsteps of those that came before

No matter how hard you try, you can’t.

After just a few steps, you’ll be slightly enlarging the footprint. By the time six people have done it, the original is completely gone.

Footprints might be a fine compass, but they’re not much of a map. That’s on us.

Missing you more today, daddy

These are moments when I really miss him.

Every birthday he would ask "emi nee age ipudu", and whatever number I gave him, he would have something to say about it, something which made the number suddenly turn positive.

daddy and me.......from the archives...moments forever

His verve and energy for life, his love for trains and planes, for birds and flowers....they never waned, not till the very end.....it was so inspiring. 

If dhruva recognized his love for cinema, and diksha her love for animals, enough to make it into their respective career paths, I wouldn't be surprised if a major factor of influence was daddy. 

He has watched and discussed movies with dhruva from the time he could take dhruva to the theatre to the time dhruva took him to the theatre. Their innumerable trips to the zoo when they were little, just the three of them are like family legend. I would be like "how can you manage both of them daddy", but he was unfazed.

The other day ( a few months back :) when diksha pointed out a star and said "that's sirius no thatha", he was like "how do you know?" and she's like "from you only no thatha".

Our gifts to each other were almost always books. Only the last few birthdays of his, my gift has been artificial flowers as he so loved filling up his study and bedroom with them. 

This one gift of his doesn't cease to touch me. 

For my wedding....somehow the jewellery and sarees and all the other wedding regalia disappears under the meaningfulness of this...... as this is what has stayed, and stares out at me from my bookshelf each day, like it did today.

I miss hearing you say "happy birthday" daddy.

Pan 24 - This May Day

I can feel the energy surge through my fingers just opening this page.

I haven't been here since the 18th of April.  A month before that was each day of an adrenalin high, which inspired and created my pandemic series.

And 19th April, if I may use the term, was like an adrenalin low. 

Life ebbed out. Daddy, may your soul rest in peace.

Daddy left this world as we know it with so much profundity, that at times I feel mom and I are still processing it as we speak each day. There's so much depth and inspiration there that I knew I needed to write.....as much for self as for others. Yet something was holding me back. It's like mom said so beautifully a couple of days back "I am in a space of full acceptance, there is no grief, I'm not feeling anything, but I am still not able to sing" 

Guess blogging to me, is like singing to her.

Today is the 13th day, a symbolic gateway day.....where they say the soul passes on to the next dimension. Maybe that's as literal as it is symbolic.

When I got up this morning, I had this from Google Rediscover:

From a road trip to Coonoor that Diksha and I did four years back.

A dawn and a dusk.   

Today is Diksha's birthday. ("A very happy birthday sweetheart")

The picture seemed to capture the essence of the space....... the dawns and dusks of life. 

They come....they go, and they come again.... so do birthdays ......and at the larger level so does life.

Daddy, you wanted to come back to be a pilot.......should I be saying 'may your soul rest in peace....or welcome back to the possibility of becoming a pilot'. 

Knowing you, and your zest and love for life, it'll likely be the latter, so I'd rather say 'good luck with the new life daddy'  

You are with me forever more too.