Top Five Regrets of the Dying

Well again, something that popped up in my inbox this morning.

Shifting from 'early morning rituals'...all the way to 'dying' :)

But seriously, the very title caught my attention 'Insights at the Edge'. It was an interview with the author Bronnie Ware on her book 'Top 5 regrets of the dying', a book that's been translated into 27 languages (after being rejected by 25 publishers)

Bronnie has spent several years working with dying people, and this book came out of her experience.

As I started to read, I found myself getting goosebumps in parts. It was so powerful. In fact moved me enough to go research more on it, and from what I read, and heard, here's excerpts:

The Top Five Regrets of the Dying:

1. The most common regret was people wishing that they had lived a life true to themselves, not a life that other people had expected of them.

"All of our regrets come from a lack of courage," that's really the root of all of the top regrets people have at the end of their life. 

"It's as simple and as difficult as that. So much of everyone's lives—initially, until they make that choice to start to truly honor the life that they are called to live, that we're all called to live—is shaped by courage, or is shaped by fear............. because so much of it is about other people, how we're going to look in front of other people, or how we're going to be judged, or assumptions people are going to make, because if you're willing to live a life true to yourself, at some point, you're going to be considered a fool by some people, and you're going to most likely cop some ridicule and criticism.

So it does take courage, to step out and say, "Well, you know, I really don't care anymore what you think, because my heart is telling me to go this way, and I'm really, really scared, because I don't know where it's leading me to, but I'm going to find the courage and do that, because I am not going to have regrets."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"A lot of people realized that they'd given too much time to work, even because of passion, or because they loved it, but not actually allocated enough time and focus on other areas of their life, which would have supported their work and which would have supported their heart and their healing in other ways.

If I step back and create some unplanned space, or focus on other areas of my life, my work benefits enormously anyway. It's almost like you give your work a shortcut, because instead of having to know every step of the way in your work, if you give attention to other areas, life then supports you by giving you shortcuts in your work anyway"

3. I wish I had had the courage to express my feelings.

"A lot of people are too scared how their vulnerability and honesty will be received, and that was something that in the end, they just wished they had done...that people had come to know them on a different level, regretted that their loved ones couldn't know them on that level, because they'd never found the courage to express their feelings"

It was being too scared to share the depth of their feelings to people —families, ex-partners, friends, whoever; but it was also wishing that they had had the courage to speak up in their own self-love, in their own defense, and not allowed . . . not given their power away to others. That caused massive anguish in some people, that they'd never expressed how they truly felt in a way that would have empowered them, even if the people receiving it would have enjoyed it, or not have enjoyed it.

We can't control how others are going to receive what we say, we can hope that it'll get through and the relationship will receive healing,  but what's more important is that you have lived in a way where you have had the courage to express all of who you truly are.

And there's ways to express it in kindness, even if it's frustration and anger. It doesn't necessarily have to be an attack on the other person. It can just be how you're feeling, like how their words or their treatment of you have left you feeling. So it's not necessarily like, "You're an awful person. You did this. You did that." I mean, that may come out, but it's more like, "I was left feeling broken because of this," or, "I felt this."

We need to reach the point where we know what we want to say, and perhaps we're even confident of articulating it well even if we're feeling vulnerable and scared to say it all.  Even that's rare, to get to that point where you're that confident to articulate it and get everything said you want. There's absolutely no guarantee or likelihood that the person receiving your expression has reached that same level of readiness. I mean, for those two aspects to line up exactly right is rare.  

I found that once the lid was lifted,  it created so much beautiful, loving space  that it was worth anything, any effort put in.  If we can dare to do it for our own healing, for the other, not to prove someone right or wrong....we're all here to dissolve our ego. "

4.  "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends." 

People were wanting to reflect and reminisce on the beautiful and fun aspects of their lives. People who are dying want to live for as long as possible, and oftentimes the families were already going into a place of grief while the person was still alive.

That's where friends really came into it, because even though friends were also grieving and had their own pains, there was just such a different dynamic, where friends could reminisce about the good old days in a way that family couldn't, and it brought a lot of mischief, and laughter, and just a whole different angle of love to the dying person's final weeks, because the family often didn't know all of the stories that their friends knew.

It's these real-life connections that are truly the essence of joy, and the realization that we need to prioritize them.

5. "I wish I had let myself be happier."

Most people don't seem to realize that happiness was a choice. That's not denying that there's suffering and learning, and pretending to be happy every minute of the day, that's unrealistic. We're here to be stretched, and to grow, and to return to our wholeness. 

But a lot of people realized they'd stuck to old patterns, and just owned the identity that other people had dumped upon them, and that feeling that they weren't worthy of happiness.

I would pray that they could realize how much time they're wasting in trying to solve everything themselves, because if you're doing it alone, that's a pretty hard place to be. Not that we don't have to get to know ourselves and our heart, but without that level of trust, there's not even a level of hope, and hope is a pretty powerful support system. If you can't trust, at least try to find the hope.

More and more, we have to realize we're all in this together. You know, you're not alone in it, and the harder the lesson, the more we tend to isolate ourselves and think we have to do it on our own.....whereas these are the times when we actually have to allow others to step up and realize what they're capable of, by asking for their help.

"I think that we have to use death as a tool for living. I find it is one of the most incredible tools for living, to realize the sacredness of our time, because it's an ever-decreasing resource. We may not have time to do every single thing we want, but the biggest gift we can give to ourselves is to enjoy our life as fully as possible, and that means to be as courageous in honoring our own heart as possible. And of course, that then benefits the whole world anyway.

"At core, it really comes down to living a life with tremendous courage" 

Morning rituals to up the ante

Found this in my archives, and I realized that if I'd saved a few years back, and it still sounded nice today, it could go up here:

It's titled '7 steps that will keep you happy all day'.

We read a lot about this or that morning ritual that will make you productive. But what about one that makes you happy?

What’s the first step? Here’s a little secret: happy mornings don’t start in the morning…

1) Have Something To Look Forward To

Happy mornings start the night before. Make sure before you go to bed you have something to look forward to tomorrow.

Research shows anticipation is a powerful happiness booster. It’s 2 for the price of 1: You get the good thing and you get happy in anticipation of the good thing.

Got nothing you’re looking forward to? Schedule lunch with a friend or promise yourself you’ll do something you enjoy. It’s one of the secrets of the happiest people in the world.

People prone to joyful anticipation, skilled at obtaining pleasure from looking forward and imagining future happy events, are especially likely to be optimistic and to experience intense emotions.

Okay, you’ve got something you’re anticipating planned for the next day. Now what do you actually do first thing in the morning?

2) Manage Your Mood

Research shows your mood in the morning affects your mood for the rest of the day:

“We saw that employees could get into these negative spirals where they started the day in a bad mood and just got worse over the course of the day,” 

What makes you happy early in the day? Do that.

Are you often stressed in the morning? Then ask yourself, “What gives me a feeling of control?”

Anything that increases your perception of control over a situation — whether it actually increases your control or not — can substantially decrease your stress level.

You’re anticipating something good and you feel in control. Cool. What’s next? Food.

3) Eat Breakfast

I recommend you skip skipping breakfast. Eat something. It puts you in a better mood and increases willpower.

Think it’s just kids? Wrong. There's enough research to show it impacts adults as much.

Feeling good so far. Now it’s time to do something that doesn’t feel so good…

4) Do Something You Dread

Yeah, you heard me. This post is about how to feel happy all day. So ask yourself what that thing is that you’re avoiding.

What’s that thing you’re going to feel guilty about not having done? Going to the gym? Doing that awful chore?

Alright, you completed something you didn’t want to. Let’s cheer you up and cheer someone else up…

5) Send out a “Thank You” email

Every morning send a friend, family member or co-worker an email to say thanks for something.

There’s tons and tons and tons of research showing that over time, this alone – one silly email a day – can make you happier.

Or you can send a text. That’s fine too.

But the day will have rough spots. Let’s make sure they don’t get in the way of your good mood…

6) Plan How You’ll Deal With Challenges

Ask yourself the question “What’s the worst that could happen today?” Sound like a downer? This is how you keep the day happy. By being ready.

Ryan Holiday, author of the excellent book The Obstacle Is the Way explains:

…we look to envision what could go wrong, what will go wrong, in advance, before we start. Far too many ambitious undertakings fail for preventable reasons. Far too many people don’t have a backup plan because they refuse to consider something might not go exactly as they wish.

You’re feeling good and ready for anything. Last secret to starting the day right is quite wonderful and quite easy…

7) Kiss Somebody You Love

Smooches are good science. Men who kiss their wives before work live 5 years longer, make 20-30% more money and are far less likely to get in a car accident.

Psychologists do not believe it’s the kiss itself that accounts for the difference but rather that kissers were likely to begin the day with a positive attitude, leading to a healthier lifestyle.

(This study was only done on men but any women who want to repeat the experiment are welcome to contact me directly.)

No romance in your life right now? Sorry to hear that. But there’s a substitute: give 5 hugs today.

People assigned to give or receive hugs 5 times a day ended up happier.

We’ve learned a lot. Let’s round it up and get started…

Sum Up

• Have something to look forward to
• Manage your mood
• Eat breakfast
• Do something you dread
• Say “thank you” by mail or message
• Plan how you’ll deal with challenges
• Kiss somebody you love

Don’t wait. You’ll forget. Right now, plan something fun tomorrow.

Perth - A fitting finale

The flight from Perth to Singapore was a five hour daylight flight, in fact afternoon, 2 pm to 7 pm. Caught a couple of brilliant movies, as also some amazing shots out the window.

In sequence....as it almost tells a story :)

The take off

Swan river snaking through the city

Light wisps of cloud

Quickly over the clouds

Looked so pretty

You can see the ocean below

Doesn't that cloud in the center look like Dumbo. And it reminded me of a Roald Dahl I'd read as a child

As the colours changed towards evening

Preparing for sunset

And as it came lower

A spectacular sunset

And it set

It did feel like a fitting finale.....like one phase of life was ending, or rather segueing into another...

Miscy potions ....from Perth

In case you remember, 'miscy' is short for miscellaneous......just a few random experiences and thoughts from a trip, that somehow didn't fit into the regular flow of posts.

Considering how these posts become chronicles of a trip that enable revisits and reminiscences, I quite like capturing them as well.

So here's some miscy potions:

It's quite amazing how 'self help' Singapore airport is. When we landed, there's no on-flight announcement on what transiting passengers do, nor any ground staff to guide you. You're pretty much on your own.

All you know is your flight number from Singapore to Perth. Singapore airport has three terminals. You check the digital display boards for which terminal you are on .....use sign boards to figure where the train stops....take the train to the said terminal...... check out the boards again for which gate.....and get yourself there. All in under forty five minutes, as the flight in was delayed and a layover of 1.5 hours had become forty five minutes. 

One mistake, or one loitering around, and you'd be done for. Quite quite stressful. And if you can't read, I can't even imagine what it could be like.

Forget the shops, I could have loitered over just these hand wash basins. They are flat. Can you imagine. I don't even know if we can call them basins in fact. At first I was almost scared to use them....my mind wouldn't get around to flat basins. I left that tap on just to get this picture :)

In Perth....was a pretty pink sky moment

Any road sides are like this, so nature based, not even landscaped nature, just natural trees

Back to my home in Perth.

There was this time I actually asked Diksha "why is it that our sky's back home don't look like this?". And while I wondered if I was being biased, I realized I wasn't when I got Girija's message  after seeing the pictures, and I know she's just way more observant than I am "how come even their sky's look so beautiful" (and from one trip to Australia she'd said "arre, even their garbage guys are so handsome man" :)

I don't know about the garbage guy, but about the sky I figured it must be the no pollution atmosphere that gives it that clarified crystal clear air that makes the difference. It's like HD for real :)

Had to get the contrast in sky. Use as center that palm tree on the right and you'll see what I mean.

All five days had been so functional full, that I hadn't even bought myself a souvenir. I wanted one. Each piece in my drawing room tells a story, and how could I not have the Perth story.

So I'm looking in the airport. This really sweet lady asks me what I'm looking for, I tell her, can't find anything and leave. To my utter surprise she finds me a few minutes later, a few stores down, with these two thingys that came close enough in her opinion. She thought for me see.

I have pictures as I'd sent them to Diksha to ask which....it's after all the beginning of her story as well.

I picked the kangaroo in the fur coat; it would remind me not just of my trip, but also the niceness of the people....plus it brings to mind my winter experience in Perth, with a warm and cozy feel :)

15, Ancilla Street, Mullalloo

That was home for 5 days, at Perth....the Air BnB

I've always loved to do homestays on travel, and Air BnB is like the perfect answer. I so love it.

To me travel is not all about sight seeing.....it's always about getting in touch with the people and feel of a place. That's the connect I most enjoy. And homestays are an unmatched conduit there.

This one I found by searching for Air BnBs near ECU. It was about 5 kms from campus, a distance I thought I could even walk if there was no public transport, as we knew nothing about the location or facilities before going.

In fact it wasn't just me finding and checking out the place; Chantel Allen did a more thorough check on me. Once I booked, I got a conditional acceptance. She needed to see my earlier reviews on Air BnB. I fortunately had them. She then had a chat with me, only after which did I get the confirmation.

And that's when you also realize how much Air BnB works on trust.

Before I reached, the message I received was this:

If I am out the keys are in the white box to the right of the front door. I am only using the top lock while you stay. Your room is down the hall to the right with the white bed.
Call me if any problems.

See what I mean?

I had a simply wonderful five day stay with Chantel.

In fact second or third day I'm telling Diksha stuff from my stay experience and she says "she seems awfully quiet, you two bonded that much ?!?"

Chantel has a lovely house cat, Buddy.....and two fluffy fat hens, lemon and thyme, in her backyard. I was telling her how it was that which made me choose her home over others in the area. When you don't know anything about the person you're going to stay with, just 'love for animals' becomes reason enough :)

The house, we later learnt, is located in a very upmarket locale at Perth, and just a twenty minute walk from the beach. The room was small and simple, can work just for one person, and that suited me perfectly.

As Diksha stayed at campus right from day 1 and had orientation sessions each day, I spent a lot of time at home. I got to watch a lot of SBS food, Chantel's favourite channel as she's a professional chef. Interesting to note was, I'm neither a foodie, nor do I enjoy cooking, but I got hooked to the channel. So much so that even when Chantel wasn't around, despite surfing around, that's the channel I'd settle into :)

Buddy (the cat) was initially wary, but soon got friendly. Friendly enough to communicate with me. This one evening when I was home alone, he wanted to be let out and he asks me. I wasn't sure what to do, but he was so persistent. He looks at me, then looks at the slider, then looks at me again....and his expression seems to say "why are you not getting it?". I had to let him out :)

Some pics: That's the house

And that's Chantel, with buddy on her lap

The drawing room

The backyard, and you can see Chantel putting the hens in their coop

Diksha in my room, after one of our shopping days...you can see from the number of shopping bags around

Chantel was getting some work done in her backyard; that's Steve, and it was fascinating to watch how he got all his equipment in his station wagon, that little concrete mixer included, and he'd quietly work all by himself.

Well, I don't know what I was doing with the hens

That's Deech with buddy, we both did a wine and dine at home the last night

One morning I was so amazed to see Chantel literally under her car, and I'm like "wow, I don't think I've ever gone under my car like that" and she says "aah...here we all learn how to maintain our cars even before we learn how to drive". I was so impressed.

Buddy again.....isn't he pretty !!

Fixing myself some breakfast in the kitchen

Diksha chilling in the backyard

A final selfie before I left

Plan was that I cab to the airport and Diksha would take the bus back to campus. When I got in the cab my eyes must have been brimming over, and the lady driver asked if everything was okay, so I told her I was leaving my daughter behind and all that. She says "which campus?" I told her, and she says "I can give you ten minutes more with her, ask her to hop in, let's drop her and go". 

Nice people till the very last minute see :)

Day 4 at Perth

Day 4 was first half with Diksha, and second half my own. I was back by about 3. I get off the bus  at a different stop, and am wondering which direction home is... when this lady crosses the road to ask "are you lost?".

And I'm like "not really, but can you tell me how I get to the beach?".

The idea almost popped in because she asked :)

And I did a walk to the beach. A twenty minute walk. Not that I wanted to chill at the beach, but for having stayed so close to the beach it somehow didn't seem to fit that I don't even visit.

This is from where I could see it in the distance

So many people there have boats in their parking lots

Nearing the beach

The ocean facing 'million dollar houses'

The ocean

There were a spattering of people, so I'm guessing this was a more exclusive and non touristy stretch of beach, or maybe it was because it's winter. Anyways, pretty.

No, I didn't take this one. But standing there, gazing at the sea, seeing folks waking around with surf boards, brought to mind an old surfing advt I used to love.....and I could almost get a whiff of the 'old spice'....so :)

A nail biting start

While the phrase is generally used at endings, as 'nail biting finish', I can say we had it at the very beginning.

And nail biting can be nerve racking, so much so that I didn't even want to begin my Perth chronicles with the episode......I'm literally finding the nerve for it only now.

This is going back a few days, to the day that we were to leave for Perth. 13th July. At the airport.

We're in the line at the entrance, and the security guy is turning over Diksha's passport around and around, and I'm like " kuch problem hai?". I thought I was being rhetorical, until he says "madam, yeh tho passport expired hai".

And it's in that moment that Diksha and I realized that I had brought Diksha's old passport instead of the new one.

A moment of absolute shock.

The check-in counter wasn't opened yet, so no one to consult with. Within a couple minutes we decided that the only possible action was to go back home and get it. I chose to stay back and see if I could talk to the Singapore Airlines staff...... Diksha and Ravi headed back home.

From that moment onwards, everything became beyond regular, went into another zone.

In order to go to the check in counter, I needed to get my baggage screened, and I didn't want to do that. I thought I'd leave my baggage at the information kiosk, but they wouldn't let me leave it there. Little things which got tricky.

I anyways sweet talked my way through that and got to the Singapore Airlines counter, explained the situation to them....... they were empathetic, but said the counter closes at ten, and they had no flexibility there.

Diksha's GPS by then was showing forty five minutes to reach home and an hour to get back, making it an ETA of 10.45. At that point it was looking impossible. Even as they were driving home she started looking at alternative flights and dealing with the fact that she would be missing her mandatory first orientation session, and the disappointment, and all those difficult thoughts, though under calm exterior.

And I can tell it must have been only calm exterior, because I was also feeling exactly he same. Staying calm, finding out cancellation procedures, alternative flights.......but also very aware of the fact that this would be a very sad way to begin, and trying hard to not let those thoughts surface.

Each call to Diksha and I could hear and feel the stress in the car. Times I heard her saying "naana, careful naana, we'll die naana if you drive like this" "omg, what are you doing".......and ravi saying "tell amma not to cancel, we'll try till last minute" "deechuma it's okay if one lakh goes, at this time that's not important, mistakes happen".

I must give full credit to Ravi for that reassuring attitude, and not to mention his driving skills. Diksha said he literally belted....that his driving was insane.

My end, I was in constant touch with the ground staff, had already spoken to the security guys, the baggage screening folk, saying if she gets back on time could they please let her break queue....keeping things as set as possible.

This story turned miracle at about 9.30, when the head of the check in office stepped in. My stress must have been visible, he actually came up to me saying "tell me what happened". I explained.

And I cannot explain what happened from that moment. Even thinking about it is giving me goose bumps. In retrospect, I feel he turned despair into hope......hope that even reached ravi and diksha.

By then I was dazed, I was waiting at the gate....and he stayed in touch.

He came back at 10 saying, "ask her to send her location". She said they were yet on the flyover. He said "ask her for gps coordinates".

At 10.20 he is standing with me outside the gates, like outside the building. He in fact spots Diksha first .... asks "is that girl running with the trolley your daughter?". He calls out to her and has her enter from another side. He literally took over, through the baggage screening, picking up the suitcases, check in counter, he did it all......he got us in.

One of daddy's favorite quotes is "when in real need god lends an invisible hand".

I saw this come true.

It was above and beyond anything I thought could have been possible in that situation.

And what's more...the story didn't end there.

We're in, and rushing through security, running to the boarding gates as they were saying we were the only passengers not yet in. I'm telling Diksha "I didn't get a chance to thank him Diksha, we can't leave without saying thanks to him, ayyo, I don't even know his name"

We're on the escalator to boarding and Diksha's boarding card falls, it falls through the side of the escalator .....the crack in the steps, and it's gone". We can both only stare at each other in amazement.

And at that moment he appears again. 

I'm saying "instead of saying thanks, I'm asking for help again".

I can't recall what transpired then. Not even where I said that,  because we were on the escalator. Just remember him and another person going under the escalator to look for the boarding pass. They couldn't find it. It had likely got stuck inside the escalator.

He goes back up, takes a picture of the other half of the boarding pass that they have, and comes onto the flight with us..... shows the flight crew the picture of the boarding pass, comes aboard and tells the air hostess,  and that's how they let us board.

It was an unbelievable experience. Only and only thanks to Shyam that we boarded that flight.

Now you know what I mean when I said 'miracle'.

Infact only yesterday I wrote out a 'commendation on an outstanding customer experience' mail to Singapore Airlines, and when I sent the draft to Diksha asking if she wanted to add something, she's like "you remember all their names?"...... and I'm like "when you and naana spent a two hour nail biting time in the car, I spent the nail biting two hours with all of them, remember?".

Shyam, Osman and Shashi......you are etched in my mind, with gratitude, forever.

Day 3 at Perth

This was pretty much my day out.

I took a bus and generally strolled around town all morning.  Diksha had sessions, and she met me after at the station. We had our list for the day, opening a bank account on top of the list. Process is that you open online and then take those details to the bank. She'd done the online opening, and we needed the print out.

We had no idea where one did that.

Right at the station was an office with a glass counter, so I decided to ask. Short conversation in, they consulted within and said there was a printing place five blocks away.

Without my even realizing it, I was like "oh god, इतना दूर चलना पड़ेगा प्रिंट आउट केलिए ?". He was in a turban, evidently Indian. (Diksha thought it was presumptuous of me to shift to hindi, but it just happened)

Something shifted through that sentence though. Navjotsingh said "yes, it's far.....alternative is, you could mail me what you want".

I was like "really ? really?? you'll do that? ..... I'll mail you and you'll print it for me?".

He not just printed it, he allowed Diksha in (as she needed to sign into her portal) even as he said "this is actually not allowed, I'm making exception for you". 

It was such a lovely gesture. Why would I not be going on about people being nice, right?

Done with the print out, we finished with the bank, got her a new local sim card, and feeling very productive, headed back to campus as Diksha had another session.  It was 3 pm and I had been on my feet since morning, and wanted to chill.

Diksha says "okay ....so I'm letting you loose in my room ma" :)

And o..m..g, I saw what she meant ....I could barely find space to put foot on the floor.

She comes back in a couple of hours and says "gosh, what a mom thing to do.....I should have done a before and after picture" 

That evening I also got to stroll around campus a little. Here's pictures:

they have some amazing looking birds on campus, this one's a galah cuckatoo

a closer picture (took from google just to get a clearer pic in here :)

they have a really fancy entrance, like Krittika said "it looks out of game of thrones"

I had to pose

one of the cafeteria's on campus

diksha walking in the distance

entrance to the ECU village, their living quarters

 view from diksha's room, she has a lovely huge glass window.

What's also interesting is everywhere we went people were like "aah, wild life conservation...that's unusual" "we've never had an international student take that course" "are there job opportunities with that" "I never knew a course like that existed".

And that's when I get surprised at how Diksha chose the course when she was yet thirteen, and while life's taken her through differing and meandering experiences, she has found her way back there. Also, after starting research with Hawaii, getting admission into Canada, having finally chosen Australia seems such a right thing to have done.

They are so naturally tuned into nature and wild life.

Yesterday she sends me a msg saying "guess what ma.....I saw wild kangaroos!!!"

She'd walked to this park, and she sends me a picture of a couple of boards there reading 'If you're lucky you'll spot kangaroos' and  'Warning...Dugites and Tiger snakes, lethal and venomous".

How does one react...... what do you tell a person who has chosen a path into wild life conservation !!