Vignettes and Quotes - 'Attitude'

As I read, each time I come across an interesting piece of writing, or a quote that resonates, I write it down in my diary. At times even long paragraphs (in even the process of writing there is a deeper connect that happens, is what I believe). 

The other day I'm sitting with my diary, looking for one quote......... and I so wished it had a ' Ctrl f '.

How do you find a quote in a diary, corrected. diar(ies :). I had to look through almost three diaries, over two hours, before I found it. So the decision to do it here, going forward. It's nice in two ways. One, I get to access more efficiently, and second, you get to read too. 

Here's my first one, the one I was looking for.

“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.”-William James 

I'm working on a website for counselling, and this was almost the first quote I picked for it......it's in essence what counselling can enable. (a shift in attitude, yet in alignment with ones own core beliefs and values) 

There's times quotes will give you insightful aha's, and there's times they'll make you smile....like feel good by reiterating what you already are, or do. Both are equally powerful.

Musings - To Look Within

Three interviews in a row, and I had this buzz in my head. I was feeling the intensity of the experience, thoughts coming in from all directions, like a series of aha's.

An interview is defined as a one to one conversation, where questions are asked by one and answers given by the other. There is one definition by Bingham which I liked ‘conversation with a purpose'

And I asked myself, what was my purpose.

It seemed to have several components.......getting perspective, evoking thought, enabling deeper understanding, widening horizons, enhancing self awareness. And the realization that you cannot enter those deep spaces and come out untouched. It is invariably a mutually enriching experience.

Based on the few interviews,  ( and several counselling sessions), I sought to dig a little deeper and articulate what was surfacing through the experience. I share some of those thoughts:

• Societal conditioning creates so much rigidity around 'right and wrong' 'success and failure' 'good and bad', that by default 'there's strong tendency to run oneself down, to self critique....and self esteem pays the price'

• Our deepest thoughts and feelings are often kept hidden. We are concerned about not being understood, about being hurt, about rejection. We'd rather live behind walls and defenses, even or especially, with our closest family. In the process, we compromise authenticity and self acceptance.

• Popular opinion is that lives and opinions of celebrities and experts are worth knowing about, why would anyone care to know about me. So not true. Each has a story worth sharing. 

• Also, the human nature of negativity trumps positivity. We're good with looking at what we didn't do, what we could have done, what could have happened, what chances we missed.......and that list goes on.  They occupy so much emotional and memory space, that we don't seem to have recall of our own positives and achievements. Of our moments of resilience when we rose above those issues. Moments when we took risks. Time when we made decisions against the tide. Times we backed our friends. Times we stood by our family. Times we gave. The good times. 

If we don't give to ourselves, we can't give to others,  a follow through..... 'if we don't give ourselves credit, we can't give credit to others'. Maybe that's why there's so little compliments going around.

Net net a lot of us seem to be living in fairly superfluous spaces. Based off external expectations. Caught in the life of detail. In busyness. And there exists this gap between what I really am, and what I am expected to be.

Self awareness is key

Within each of us is this potential of abundance, of beauty, of peace, of joy. A sanctum sanctorium. If we can open those doors, we don't need temples. God is within us can literally come true. 

Goa, A Different Vantage

Just back from a deeply meaningful, and absolutely amazing four day trip to Goa. 

This was a just vishakha and me time, and one that was being planned on and off for over three years now. And it finally fell in place. It was so well worth the wait,  that we've decided to now make up for all the earlier years, by making it an annual feature :)

Why does it become so special?

There's multiple factors. Travel with friends, especially girl friends is something the millenial generation might take for granted, but to us, it comes at a cherished and earned space of choice. At the cost of sounding dramatic, a space reached through the proverbial blood, toil and tears. In fact Diksha was quite amazed when I said it was our first trip together. We go back a long long way, and we've done travel together......with families, initially parents, then husbands, then husbands and children, but never just us. And considering our relationship is a core space between us, this is where it really fits to perfection.

A vanilla trip.... no occasion, no sight seeing, no frills, no add ons......just being together, just getting our 'selves' there minus all the other facets that make us, family, work, interests...the life of detail so to say. And that was reveletory. A space where magic happens.

We did what we love best, walked and talked. Walked and talked along the shore almost twenty kilometers a day, and in that process discovered that 'something great can get greater'.

We so lucked out in getting miles and miles of empty beach...to walk barefoot in the sand, with the waves lapping the feet

Not to miss our footsteps here

Stretched those boundaries in ways more than one... how else do we move out of comfort zone, how else do we bridge gaps that you first need to find, how else does growth happen.

The mind reached such uncluttered space that the aha's started to flow.

This is to say how we can by choice enter the unfrettered spaces to discover more of ourselves. Unfrettered is not as much goa, as it is within you. Goa and the ocean was the enabler, offering its varying facets....it's quiet, it's fun, its abundance, its beauty, it's relentlessness, it's resilience, it's power. And you soon see all of that reflected within. Seek and you shall find. Ask and you shall receive.

This is beginning to sound poetic and abstract to my own ears....know that that's but the surface of the experience.

Here's pictures of the less abstract...pictures in time and space

River Mandovi as we came in to land. I love catching rivers from flight...talk of different vantage points :)

Bridges over Mandovi and the Delta, where the river merges with the sea

From Airport to South Goa

Some yummy pakodas and mirchi bhajjis shared with Ibrahim (my cab driver) on the way from the airport to Varca beach, and also took back for vishakha of course (and lots of wine too:)

The Mahindra Resort at Varca, a lovely lush and green property bang on the shore. Thanks vishakha, was a lovely choice.

A huge python that crossed the path of our car one evening....it's an unclear picture but I had to put it in to preserve memory.

A couple of selfies :)

Sunburnt and Satiated

An Interview With Akhtar

Akhtar Hussain has been an integral part of helping me settle into this house. In fact I remember him from the last time I stayed in this house, 5 years back, before moving to Bangalore. When Diksha and I had first walked into the apartment, we straight off fell in love with the place. We just needed the wall color changed, it was a dark purple. 

The owner was reluctant,  he said, same color one coat will do, but different color would mean more work and more money.  It was Akhtar who managed to convince him, and he got me my favorite 'off white' even on those dark purple walls. 

This time round, when I came back to this house, I called our owner and said "could you please send Akhtar, I have a few little things to get done". He's been helping with everything. The carpentry, the painting, the plumbing.....even the polishing of chairs for the therapy room. You tell him and it'll be done.

He seems this quiet, focused, deep, intelligent, no nonsense kind of individual, and I thought it would be nice to get to know him a little better.......or should I say to see life from his perspective. And hopefully enable him to see a little bit more of himself too. So I decided to interview. (yes, I'm fired up on that:)

My first obstacle - having to answer the 'Why'.

"kyon karenge mera interview aap" he asked

Next...what's the purpose he said,  'fayada kya hoga'.  And you can imagine my struggle at trying to get something so abstract across, and that too in Hindi. 

Eventually I guess I got there. He agreed see. I told him there might be no 'fayada' materially, but it's something that might be an interesting experience for both..... that I'd like to do it, and it could possibly be something he may like too. Was he willing to try, I asked.

End of the interview two things became apparent. One, I better understood the validity of his question. Akhtar is a man who does nothing beyond the absolutely necessary in life. It's all about work and family, or maybe even work for family.

Second, before end of the hour,  I daresay he did connect into the experience; for a person who talks so little, he sure opened up, way beyond my questions too.

It was a heart warming experience. 

Here it is in his own words:
(while we spoke in hindi, I'm putting here a translated version, which unfortunately takes away a lot of the beautiful hyderabadi urdu of the original)

Me: Are you from Hyderabad

Akhtar: हौ,  पैदाइश हैदराबादी हूँ  ( just for the flavor of the urdu. Guess being from hyd, I simply love the language)

Me: Tell me a little about your family. The one you were born into. What did your father do, how many brothers and sisters were you

Akhtar: My father had a book binding workshop. We are 9 siblings, 6 sisters and 3 brothers.

Me: How much have you studied

Akhtar: I studied until 7th class. When I was 9 yrs old my father passed away, very suddenly, a heart attack. It became very difficult for the family. My elder brother was already helping my father in the book binding work, but he couldn't manage alone.

So I dropped out of school after 7th, and joined my brother in the book binding workshop, as our family had no other source of income, and we couldn't manage.

Me: From there how did you shift into painting and carpentry and all the other things you are now an expert at.

Akhtar: For five years I did only book binding, till I was sixteen. Then my jeejaji introduced me into the furniture line

It was a factory in katedaan which was making wooden cabinets for Bharath TVs, do you remember, the TVs used to come in nice boxes with two doors then. (I recalled too) .

I did very well there. Within three years I learnt everything about carpentry, and they made me the supervisor.

Those three years were extremely difficult though. I used to go to Katedaan by cycle. I used to work there for twelve hours, come home, eat and then go to the book binding workshop to help my brother, and work till 2 in the morning. The money just wasn't enough. I worked like that without sleep for so many months.

Then the factory owners cousin was starting his own workshop in Himayatnagar, and he wanted me to join him. I did, and there I picked up expertise in lamination coating which was just coming in then. I worked a long time with them, twenty two years, and as they were in the construction line, I learnt everything about everything. They made me in charge of the complexes they were constructing. I also built a strong network of skilled people.

Soon after that my mother died, and after that I went to Dubai for three years.

Me: How was it in Dubai

Akhtar: It was alright. They had a factory there making furniture. We had AC rooms, dormitories with bunk beds, but there AC is a necessity. It was only work work and work.

Also, they didn't have expertise. They were inefficient, they were using a lot more paint than necessary. I did a significant contribution, I changed the way they did their furniture painting, brought down cost by 60%. But they took it for granted. I don't like it when people don't value my work. So after 3 years though they didn't let me go, I took leave and came off.

With the money saved I came back and got two of my sisters married. Then I also got married

Me: How many children do you have

Akhtar: I have four children. 2 daughters and 2 sons. Both my daughters are studying computer engineering, and sons, one is in school and one doing graduation.

Me: I'm so happy to see you educating all your children, especially your daughters to such an extent.

Akhtar: I've told them they can study till how much ever they want to. I will support it.

Me: You don't feel any pressure from the family and others, especially to get them married?

Akhtar: Yes, I do. I have started getting marriage proposals for them, but they want to study and then they want to work. I want to let them do that.

I could not study because of my circumstances. I feel bad when I think about it. That's why I want to atleast let my children study till they want. It makes me happy to see them studying

Me: That must take a lot of courage.  What else makes you happy

Akhtar: What else can make me happy. I don't know.

Me: What about your work, I find you so involved and diligent with your work

Akhtar: Yes, I like my work, and I feel happy when my work gets appreciated and valued. I liked it when people recognized my work.

Wherever I work, I am so committed that I build a relationship with the people there, and it becomes permanent.

Me: What makes you angry

Akhtar: I don't get angry. I never shout at people.

Me: What makes you sad

Akhtar: (the question seemed strange to him. he took a while to answer) I don't  know if it is sad, but it bothers me and worries me a lot that inspite of working so hard, for so many years, everything I earn gets spent equally fast. There is never extra money. Even after so many years I have no savings.

Life is so different today. Our days, if we wanted fruits we used to climb trees and get. Today everything is so expensive.

Me: Are your children very close to you

Akhtar: I think they are a little scared of me. They are very close to their mother. (with an embarassed smile)

Me: Other than work and family, what do you do. What are the other interests you have

Akhtar: When I started to work,  at the age of twelve,  I left everything behind. I have no friends, I don't go for movies. No habits. Nothing. All that went off with my lost childhood.

All day I work. I go home and sit in front of the TV until I go to sleep at 11.

In fact even my neighbors won't know me. My life is only work and home.

Me: What scares you

Akhtar: He actually laughed at the question. (his response made it sound like I don't have the luxury of being scared)

Me: What food do you like

Akhtar: Dal khanna. I don't even pay attention to what I eat. I never complain. In fact I won't even know if there is salt, or anything else is too much or too little. Sometimes my wife asks me how I am eating it without saying anything when there is not even salt in it. But I won't even know.

Since childhood, it was never about what food. It was just about having food to eat.

My younger son, he loves to cook. He'll watch on the net and make all kinds of things, one day he even made chocolates with nice covers. It's that different now. He said he'll go and sell it to shops and I said 'paagal hogaya kya'. (he laughed recollecting the incident)

Me: If he wants to become a chef will you let him

Akhtar: (smiles, seems a little perplexed. I told him I had friends who were chefs and it is a possible profession, even for the educated) I suppose so, I think he can become whatever interests him... maybe

Me: Do you meet with your brothers and sisters often

Akhtar: I have always been helping my brothers and sisters. There is always a need in someones family. I am the only one who helps.

One of my sisters daughter needed to be given blood every month. They were selling things in the house to buy the blood. I helped them to the extent I could.

Another sister, she died and her husband wasn't a dependable man. Both her sons are with me now. I am bringing them up as my own. They are part of our family now.

One brother has a health issue and needs an injection every month. Sometimes he resists. I am the one who meets the doctor and makes sure he takes his injection every month. I have been doing that for twenty years, every single month now.

Me: Does anybody know you have taken on all these responsibilities and how much you do.

Akhtar: Who will know madam. I feel I should do what I can, and I keep doing it.

Me: How does your wife react to all this

Akhtar: My wife never objects. She is very understanding and co-operative.

Me: What's on top of your mind now

Akhtar: Life has been a real struggle. It is always about how will each month go by. I have had a lot of responsibility since a very young age.

I will relax only when all my children are settled.

This ended the question answer part of it.

On request, I'm putting neither his photograph, nor names of his wife or children (they have the prettiest of names :).  His thinking in terms of why no photograph or any identifiable information, was so deep and meaningful, that we spent yet another hour discussing just that, and I came away humbled by his reasoning.

It was indeed an intense two hours. And when he said will you talk to my daughters if they want to know about jobs and things, I gladly said yes.

Akhtar, it was really nice talking to you, and Inshallah, may all your aspirations for your children and for yourself, get fulfilled.

Reading Newspapers Is A Drag - A Reiteration

Since I've been in Hyderabad, ever so often I'm at my parents place. Invariably, I pick up the newspaper and browse through. Almost like an instinctual thing. Or maybe hopeful thing. I don't know which.

And each time, I've found I close it in disgust. And yesterday I patted myself on the back for the decision to have kicked the habit, (it's been over two years since I've stopped subscription). It was no easy process, mornings starting with coffee and the newspaper was such an ingrained habit.

I'd say 'negativity trumps positivity' lives it's epitome in Newspapers.  Crime, Terrorism, Rape, Cheating, Politics, Death, Suicides, Accidents, Teacher crimes against children. You have to search to find a piece of positive or empowering news. And by the time you get there (if you do), the negative stuff has already seeped in. 

We're human, empathy comes naturally to us. We can't read about a child being molested or a farmer suicide without feeling angry or hurt or sad.

And seriously, what good is that doing. I've been accused of being an ostrich and shying away from reality. Is that our Reality? Really? Something so imbalanced?

Guess if you chose it to become your reality, it does. It's definitely crept into our houses and our systems. Considering how connected the world is, by reading and feeling, if anything we are adding more than our share of sadness and negative energy to it. 

A Harvard Review states :

''We’ve known for some time now that hearing negative news broadcasts can have an immediate effect on your stress level, but new research we just conducted in partnership with Huffington shows how significant these negative effects can be on us.

Just a few minutes spent consuming negative news in the morning can affect the entire emotional trajectory of your day"

We have the choice. Why do we let newspapers and reporters hijack our space.  Can we respect our own time, ourselves a little more. Put in that little effort to instead find and read  articles, and magazines and books (maybe blogs ;)  of interest to you.  And trust me, you miss nothing; news you need will find it's way to you.

Ask yourself .... Are you happy playing a passive role in your own life, can you do this for yourself.

If I'm coming across strong, no excuses.....it's because I feel that strongly about it :)

Reading what's relevant and interesting to you enables clearer thoughts, more valuable insights and better decision making.  And each of those means a more enriched life.

Feedback vs Criticism

Yesterday, I spoke defending each persons right 'to be'.

Nothing in life is an absolute. So how does this work. What are it's differing ramifications.

An obvious one would be, you can be you, long as you do not negatively impinge on another's space. That I'd think is pretty apparent, and even sacrosanct.

At the deeper level, does it mean we don't express opinion, don't share feelings, don't express expectation, don't talk of behavior, don't talk of traits.....don't enter the other's space ever ?

No, not saying that. In fact not at all.

To understand this, let's look a little deeper into what a relationship is (or could be)... be it between spouses, friends, partners, parental, any relationship.

A relationship at a core level is ideally about a space that empowers, that supports, that enables ...one that has at it's core 'mutual learning and growth'. ( Most relationships we see are living out the life of detail, akin to 'existing'). It's like someone said 'taking black and white photographs of the very colorful scenes of our lives'

Based off this ideal space of  'mutual learning and growth', to empower and to enable would become pretty core. And that is something that can happen primarily through 'feedback'. Thus feedback becomes not just a good to have, but almost an obligation we carry.

It's beautifully explained by the Johari window. We need others to help us recognize our blind spots, our areas of growth.

We need Feedback

An indicator could come from 'what is the motive behind the feedback'.When we find ourselves in a position of wanting to point out an area of change, do we do it as 'my need' or 'for the other'.  If the feedback is something that will enable the growth of the other, it is not just okay to give, but almost becomes a moral responsibility to give. Can I confront with care. That's when it's a shift from criticism to feedback.

Criticism comes from arrogance  (you are wrong, I am right...and is the most common way of parents, spouses, teachers). Paradoxically, it's the most common and the most unsuccessful, in fact producing more resentment, than change or growth.

Feedback on the other hand is 'I see and I care, so I tell'. It comes from a space of genuine love and care. A space that recognizes the need of the other and not ones own. It is not common.  It requires a genuine extension of oneself, and is more likely to be beneficial and successful.

If done right, and received right. 

It's like what Scott Peck says "the final and possibly the greatest risk of love is the risk of exercising power with humility. There are a significant number of individuals who for one reason or another have learned to inhibit their instinctive tendency to criticize or correct, but who go no further, hiding in the moral safety of meekness, never daring to assume power

To fail to confront when confrontation is required for the nurture of spiritual growth represents a failure to love equally, as much as does thoughtless criticism"

Can we have a space of love and nurturing that allows for feedback. It becomes then the responsibility of each to express, and to listen, within that ambit, and then the whole space reverberates with an energy of positivity and growth.

Worth an aspirational goal you'd think?

Musings - Why Change, Why Different

By default our culture seems to glorify 'stability' and 'conformity'. And a natural follow on is that 'change' and 'different' gets critiqued.

While many are happy to conform and do the 'right' thing, there are always those at the fringes.....those who choose to be different. And then it becomes an uphill task. There is the internal voice saying the one thing, and the external saying another.

This is cause for internal conflict.

Internal conflict causes stress, disturbance......takes away peace, productivity, creativity. A lot of our energy and time gets sucked into handling our internal conflict(s).

The feeling one sits with is  'I am not good enough'

I'm putting myself out on the line, so as to give an example. I've lived many years under tremendous internal conflict. 

I've often heard comments like : 'You're too impulsive' 'why can't you be contented' 'why would you take a chance like that'  'You're selfish, you don't think of how this could impact others' 'why do you over think things so much' 'why can't you just be happy' 

At one point (read as years on end) they would confuse me. Put me in the defensive. There was my gut telling me one thing, and there was this expectation from the outside saying another. Add in our innate need to please others, and we have not just conflict, but also 'guilt'.  

Confusion would point fingers at different spaces; at times society, at times another individual, at times my own inadequacy.

More conflict and more guilt.

Today I know different.  I know that those opinions and demands are just that..another opinion, another perspective. It's about the other. Not about me at all. Plus, that the choice of response at all times is mine.

A little clarity, and I'd have known none of those statements were even close to true. 

Impulsive? No, maybe spontaneous but not impulsive. In fact I think through my actions, each action is backed by a conscious decision..........albeit by different standards and principles. 

Not Content or Happy? It's being me that gives me happiness and joy, so I need the change to be contented and happy....you see the conflict. 

Taking risk? I'm willing to pay the price for what I want, I want to take that chance 

Overthink? I think the way 'I' think, by whose standard is this 'over ' think

Selfish? What happens to 'you need to be contented and happy, to be able to give' 

I'm going into all this, not because I want to talk about myself. It's to show how this could be true for each of us. And how external opinion and expectation can drag us down, undermine our confidence, make us feel not good enough.

And what's worse, we're as much in the perpetrators seat, as in the victims.

It's something that's worth becoming aware of.

When each of is unique in something as basic as Fingerprint and Iris, how do we think we can bucket people into standardized thought and behavior. It's inherently self defeatist.

A good question could be....why this overarching need for conformity. Why is it not apparent and acceptable that there are perspectives, more perspectives and more perspectives.

Can we please pause to.....maybe over think  ;)

Life Happens, Or We Make It Happen

Life happens. Or we make it happen. At times it takes a stepping back to see which. And maybe to choose too.

I'll talk of this in the context of my moving to Hyderabad and wanting to set up counselling practice. I'd thought of so many ways to do it, all kinds of possibilities. Rent a place for a private center, associate with a hospital,  do it part time in clinics, freelance with organizations........so many ideas. The one thing that was certain was the'wanting it to happen'.

Once here, I find that the best possible solution was, so to say, right in my backyard.

The house I rent in Hyd came with a room on the ground floor. A neglected junk room. And that's where Diksha and I saw potential. And we started to work on it. And slowly but surely, it transformed.

Diksha volunteered to do the painting herself. Off we went to buy brushes, and rollers and paint and polish, stuff I knew nothing about (she did)

It was hard work, summer was at peak, room was dirty.....a rickety stool which looked like it could topple, polish which wouldn't go off the body, water seepage, all kinds of issues. She didn't let anything stop her.

This one day I had to scrub her with the dish washing scrub and soap until she burnt, we had nothing else to get the door paint off.

One day of that week, she got a friend to lend a hand.

This was the flooring getting done, as it had this incomplete and patchy cement floor. We did so much discussion on options......tiling, carpeting, red oxide. This is just to say how at every point it's about choice.

Not to miss him talking on the phone as he works :)

Mom gave me two nice old antique looking teak chairs. So they needed to get varnished. Then, between Diksha and me, we shifted stuff from the house.

I overheard Diksha tell her grandmom "amma's looking at everything in the house as possible to shift to therapy room, when she was looking at our paintings I said an absolute no" :)

Now the room looks like this. It's a nice cozy therapy room and I've done my first few sessions too. 

Thanks Deech, for the painting and the polishing..... the ideation and the encouragement..... and above all for being there with me through the whole process.  Means much.

Interview With Poojari Uncle

I've known Poojari uncle since I was ten. We lived in the same apartment for almost fifteen years, in fact right since ten till I got married and left. His daughters, Surekha and Sujata are both very close friends of mine and I spent so much time in their house back in the day, that I speak Marathi just from time spent there. Uncle still lives there.

Last week was his eightieth birthday, and his daughters all got together at Hyderabad, to give him a wonderful party, and a vacation at Ooty (without husbands and children).

Before they left for the trip, I went to meet with all of them for a while, and we decided that an interview would be a good idea. 

He is a really really quiet person, so to get him to actually interview and talk, and open up......no mean feat :)

That's him in his favorite seat, I've seen him in that very same chair for forty years now 

I had to get a picture of this old radio in, a gramophone cum radio which he's still holding onto. Tells you quite a bit about him. Trupthi, his youngest daughter, was telling me how much even she has listened to lp's on it.

Well, here's the interview itself:

Me: You've just had your 80th birthday celebrations uncle. What were your inner most thoughts during the time.

Uncle: I was happy, and I was also simultaneously worried. I was worried about the future, especially in terms of health. I was happy to see the enthusiasm of my daughters who came down from America and New Zealand and Hubli to do this for me. But deep inside I was not feeling very great for reaching 80. 

Me: Uncle, tell us two of your largest achievements in life.

Uncle: I don't think I have any achievements. Or maybe I can say, leading a contented life.

Me: Hmmm.....Girls ( all three of them were there) can you think of any, maybe trigger his thought

Each of them came up with something, which seemed to have got uncle thinking, for then he said

Uncle: I am the eldest of 12 children, and my parents could not afford much, so I have helped not just my parents but each of my brothers and sisters all through. I didn't have enough money for myself, but I used to make sure to send as much as I could back home. I studied more than any of them, so this just continued.

I have also helped Kala aunty's side of the family, her brothers and sisters (Kala aunty, their mother passed away of cancer thirty years ago)

Also in 1969, I was one of three selected by my company, Grindwell Norton, for a study tour to US, UK and France.

Also, I'm an active member of Lions Club, Balanagar since 22 years and also served as President for one year.

Me: That sure sounds like an achievement, rather achievements. What do you think is the largest risk you took in life 

Uncle: I quit my job, quit Ceat Tyres and moved from Mumbai to Hyderabad. I didn't like Mumbai. I shifted to hyderabad and started my own venture in 1976. That was the biggest risk I took.  I was forty. Children were all very small.

That didn't work out. There was an issue with the partner, and though we had bought land in Jeedimatla, constructed the building, installed the machinery, and all of that, we had to abandon the project.

I had no income at that stage. And that's when I started Sunita Enterprises. I decided against partnerships, decided to do it alone. Started with marketing, though I knew nothing about marketing, and built it up slowly over the years.

Me: Wouldn't you count that also as one of your achievements uncle?

Uncle: Hmm...yes, I guess it was. I ran it for twenty five years. It was very tough for ten years, it wasn't financially sound. But I did it. That was my work and my source of income. A few years back I sold it.

Me: Tell us, what makes you happy

Uncle: Not having any problems. I have had problems for too long in life. Some very difficult patches. Difficult childhood. My wife expired. Then my eldest daughters husband absconded soon after their marriage. I got her married again. Another very difficult patch was you know... Sunita (Sunita his eldest, passed away nine years back). It has been many difficult times.

(there was a silence and a heaviness which took a while for each of us to process, before we could move on)

Me: Uncle, I recall you used to travel a lot

Uncle: Yes, I like travelling, and I have made sure I go on a trip atleast once every two years. That made me happy.

Me: What makes you angry

Uncle: People not keeping their word

Me: And sad?

Uncle: Not being successful in certain areas. When things did not go as I wanted or expected them to.

Me: What is your definition of success

Uncle: Leading a peaceful life. Being able to solve the hurdles that come up along the way.

Me: By this definition would you say you've been successful

Uncle: By this definition yes, to quite an extent

Me: What do you find most challenging now, in your present

Uncle: Keeping myself balanced, mentally balanced, and physically fit.

Me: What are the mechanisms or resources you are using to enable you to do those

Uncle: I do yoga regularly for physical fitness. I have been doing it for many years. And meditation and reading. 

If we could have been more financially sound, it would have been easier.

Me: Tell us about some of your most cherished experiences

Uncle: I can't recall any specific experiences, but I would say, my daughters being very good to me. Being able to have a second spouse who is really understanding. Not many conflicts in the family.

My childhood was a struggle. I left home when I was just 5. My father was a station master and his posting was in small villages. I was the eldest of twelve children. So they sent me to my maternal uncle's place to study, in Mumbai. It was a tough life. My father could not support my studying. I've studied many years under street lights. And even engineering I did on scholarship, and even from that scholarship, I used to send half the money home. 

At times they didn't even get two meals a day. It is only after I got a job, then I started sending money home regularly. But then this was always a point of conflict with Kala aunty, which was also totally understandable.

I miss my parents a lot. I never had a childhood or love from parents. It still hurts.

(at this point I know sujata and surekha both choked up, it was an emotionally difficult space for everyone in the room)

Me: Can you talk of one instance when you moved out of your comfort zone, did something for yourself

Uncle: Marrying a second time was a challenge. Others questioned it. There was resistance. But it was a lonely life.

I did it, and I was lucky to get a good partner.

Me: What were the two resources that gave you strength through all these difficulties.

Uncle: Love music. I've always listened to music. Even now, it goes on at 5 am. And reading.

Me: And your drink uncle? I recall thinking, who drinks alongside green salad, and cheese right?

Uncle: Yes (at last we saw a wide smile) Every evening I would relax with a glass of whisky. Whisky with green salad, and yes cheese when possible. I enjoyed that.

Also reading, I like reading spiritual literature.

I've been independent. I used to drive the scooter, till recently.  In fact just two weeks back we had a fall, and then Nirmala aunty said no more scooter.

We go to Melkote park every morning for a walk, now we go by auto. An auto guy comes and picks us up everyday.

Me: If I asked you to tell us about your personality, what are the adjectives you would use

Uncle: Co-operative, Courage, More importance to Peace of Mind, Staying Fit, Helping peers and family members

Me: What is the advice you would give your grandchildren

Uncle: Pay more attention to your studies, and Consider being helpful to your family members

Me: Uncle, your first three daughters are called Sunita, Surekha and Sujata. tell us the story of why you called your youngest Trupti. 

Uncle: Aunty was very keen on a son, so we kept trying.  And when the fourth one was a daughter, one of our friends, Pratima Parekh I remember, she jokingly said 'abhi bas, iska trupthi naam rakh do'. I liked the idea, so we called her Trupthi.

(at this point Sujata, and then Surekha and Trupthi too said one thing " baba, never, not once did we ever hear you say you wish you had a son. You gave us all the freedom we needed, and we're each so successful because of that. We're grateful and appreciative", and this brought a deep and satisfied smile to uncles face)

Me: I have one last question. Would you like to be born again.

Uncle: NO

Me:Anything else that you'd like to say uncle. 

Uncle: Yes, I just remembered, I used to enjoy playing cricket in school. That is a cherished memory. 

Me: I'm happy this brought up that memory. It's a nice space to close.

Musings - A 'Time' Perspective

It's 10 pm and I pick up my personal diary to write in.  I had this feeling I hadn't written in there in a while, like a few days for sure.

I flipped the page back to see how long, and was so so surprised to find that I had actually written just yesterday. I couldn't believe it, I even did a check on whether I'd got my dates mixed up. But no, it was correct. I had after all written yesterday.

So what was that? 

I paused to wonder how and why. The realization was interesting. It wasn't just about being in the flow. The perspective of time, and of being had altered.

Between yesterday morning when I'd written and now, I'd done two, so to say 'interviews'. One was with my mom and then one with Poojari uncle (haven't yet published).  And I realized I'd somehow slipped into their lives for big chunks of these two days. Talking to them, making the emotional connect, listening to them, going through the notes, writing it out. I'd actually stepped into their lives. I'd left mine behind.

And I guess Diksha being out of town only aided, there was no life of detail that had demanded my attention. I had seamlessly shifted. 

I'd recently read Scott Peck, 'The Road Less Travelled', and something he said suddenly took on a whole new meaning. I quote from his book:

"True listening requires total concentration, and requires a tremendous amount of discipline. It is the temporary giving up of the self, setting aside ones own thoughts, frames of reference, biases, opinions and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker's world from the inside, stepping inside his or her shoes. This unification of speaker and listener is actually an extension and enlargement of oneself, and new knowledge is always gained from this. And since it involves a setting aside of the self, it also temporarily involves a total acceptance of the other. 

Sensing this acceptance, the speaker will feel less and less vulnerable and more and more inclined to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. As this happens, speaker and listener connect into each other more and more. A duet dance of love happens.

The energy required for the discipline of setting aside the self, and focusing total attention on the other is so great that it can be accompanied only by love, by the will to extend oneself for mutual growth"

To go back to my realization.....it is about the layers at which this can happen. The mutual growth works at different layers. It's not just in the doing or the knowing, but also in the being. Almost a literal expansion of consciousness.

An Interview With Mom

When I sat down to write today, I found myself sitting and staring at this blank page for almost ten minutes. Didn't know where to start. Guess that happens when writing about something that touches us deepest..... how does one capture all that you want to say to your mom. I wanted a mothers day tribute kinds you see.

I've seen my mom radically change over the years...evolve at many levels. I've seen her grow from being a housewife to a career woman, a protected woman to a solo traveler, dependency to strength, conditioned thinking to independent thought, until today.........where she's an inspiration and a tower of strength to all of us.

That's when I decided that letting her speak would be best, an interview. So shut the laptop, got into the car and got there right away.

That's her in her favorite corner and favorite zone......with her crosswords

Me: Ma, at 78, how does life look to you

Mom: My own space. I like my own space.

Singing to myself... every evening I sit in the balcony and sing to myself

I spend time with crossword puzzles. That's something I really enjoy doing and I've done it for many many years on a daily basis.

I like painting, but I don't do enough, I don't pursue it.
I go for leisurely and aimless long walks.

It's totally day to day. Nothing planned, nothing built in.

Me: What makes you happy

Mom: I love travelling. I like travelling to peaceful places, like Yercaud, where I can just go and sit in the mountains.

I don't need jewellery, or fancy clothes or anything else. It's just travel that appeals to me. And I've luckily done a lot of it. With daddy in jungles and wild places because of his work as a geologist. And later also across America with Praveen. In fact I would love to make a list of all the places I've been to, starting from Niagara falls. 

Me: Lovely, let's do that sometime soon. Moving on, tell me about the biggest risk you took in life

Mom: Going out to work. I wasn't a working woman, I was a stay home mom. It happened when I was 38 yrs old, when you were ten and Praveen was six. The opportunity came.

I stepped out for the first time. Up until then I was very dependent, in thatha's home and even after marriage.

I was scared, I had never gone out. I knew nothing, I didn't even know what a cheque book was. Vijayalaxmi aunty took me under her wings, taught me how to work right from scratch.

At home I used to feel useless, but there I was respected and I developed my own personality. The job was an entry into another world. I discovered I could do it, and I discovered myself. I discovered my worth. 

It was the best part of my life. I worked for twenty four years, and it made me a different person.

Me: What would you say are two of your biggest achievements

Mom: One as I said, was moving out to work.

Me: That is a big one...and beyond that ma?

Mom: Hmmm......let me see....starting 'Smile Foundation' with you and Kamlesh, and also volunteering at the 'Shelter for Street Children' for many years after retirement

Me: Pick 5 words you'd associate with yourself

Mom:
'Detached' : I love so many things, but I can as easily let go of them all
'Keep no negativity inside'
'No Fear'
'Kindness' : Poverty impacts me deeply
'Sensitive to animals'

Me: What makes you angry

Mom: Lying makes me very angry. Disorderliness irritates me, and meanness, I don't like meanness in a person.

Me: And what would you say makes you sad
(she thought and she thought)

Mom: It is momentary. In fact I can't think of anything that makes me sad.

Me: What about you do you think might be annoying for others

Mom: Short temper. Me saying things that might hurt others.

Me: What does 'being successful' mean to you

Mom: Completeness

Me: Can you elaborate a little, what exactly does 'completeness' mean

Mom: It means fulfilling your desires. Like, even me....I consider myself successful, as inspite of going through so many ups and downs, before marriage and after, I still feel fulfilled. Life is like a roller coaster, as long as you still enjoy the ride. That's successful to me. And it means no further desires.

And for me...life has taken a full circle, two loving children and no worries. 

Me: Nice. Profound. Tell me about some childhood experiences that come to mind

Mom: I'll tell you two.

We were three families living in Barkatpura, three large families, it was like that back then. Just these three independent houses in this huge area. Not even a compound wall. There was a lake to one side, and kachiguda station on the other.

This was during the Razakar movement, an anti Nizam movement by another group of muslims, and the men were known to be totally ruthless and violent. Each night we would finish dinner before dark, not use lights, and all of us from the three houses would go and sleep on the terrace of one house. They would come and throw huge stones on the houses, and it was a time we all lived under enormous fear.

I remember one muslim woman, who was a brahmin mans keep, a very beautiful woman, she lived in one of the outhouses. I used to go sit with her. She was so traumatized by it, and would tell us stories about it. That experience is etched in memory, though I must have been just 5 or 6 years old then.

Another thing I distinctly remember is my great grandfather taking me to the station to watch the trains. Kachiguda was just behind our house. He had a jhutu and a walkingstick, and he would hold me with his other hand and take me. He used to call me chukipilla ( moms name is sukrutha, diksha used to call her chuku ammamma, strange)

I somehow feel, in life, I got genuine affection only from him, and his death when I was ten really impacted me, that was one time I felt sad...and I think that was one time I cried. I don't cry much otherwise. ( I agree, I've hardly ever seen her cry I think)

Me: You studied in Telugu medium. How did you learn to speak English so well

Mom: I didn't know English at all. When bhava ( an aunts husband ) used to come home and speak, which was twice a year, I'd listen agape. That was my first exposure to English.

Then after becoming a friend of Kamala ( vishakhas mom) and seeing all those communist books in their house, I picked up the habit of reading, and that continued through college. It's only through reading that I learnt how to speak English. We had a lovely library in college. Let's go one day.

Me: Sure. Which would you say was the best phase of your life

Mom: Without a doubt the three years of koti womens college. It was three years of a happy and carefree life. ( I could almost see the joy come through as she recollected those memories)

Me:What's your favorite motto ma

Mom: Never worry. Never Fear. Be Happy.

Me:What would your message for your grandchildren be

Mom: Be good human beings

( I waited thinking there would be more. ) But she said, "that's it, that's all I'd say.....and that I love them unconditionally"

Take a bow ma, what a deep thought...amazing, so proud of you.

Me: Tell me two of your non known facts, facts even I don't know.

Mom: Hmmm......I always won at debates. I'd participate in any debate competition I could go to.

I played Draupadi in a play at school, and me and my long and thick plait became stars of the show.

I was also the main protagonist for two other plays, one called 'ma' , when I wore a saree when still in school, and the other 'gossip near the well'. This was a lovely play directed by Mayura aunty.

Me: What scares you ma

Mom: Nothing scares me. I don't know fear at all.

One instance comes to mind though. I went to Mumbai to attend a workshop from office. I was travelling alone for the first time. I got off at Kurla, and there was a Shiv Sena strike and the mob got into the train with sticks and other weapons. I had no idea what to do. There were no autos. buses, taxis, nothing. From somewhere, god sent I think, one auto guy came and said 'math daro amma, hum lekar jathe'. And he took me out. 

That trip was an experience from beginning to end. On the way back, I went to Bandra to take the train back to Hyd. I was sitting and reading on the platform, when I hear an announcement saying my train is passing through Bandra. I asked and the station master said it doesn't stop there. I had no idea what to do. I had no place to stay and very little money too. No phones. We didn't even have a phone at home in Hyderabad then.

Again luckily, a taxi driver said we could catch it at the next station and I don't remember a thing after. He drove me there, and he actually pulled my hand and put me in the train. I think I went numb.

That was a really tough experience for me.

Me: Wow, that sure sounds scary. Any more such intense experiences you can recall.

Mom: I have another train incident.

We were going from Bangalore to Surat, and we needed to change trains at Pune. Our train was late into Pune. We ran. The train was almost starting. I got into the train carrying you. You were two years old. I thought daddy might have got in somewhere else. And after a while as the train moved, I saw daddy and the luggage still on the platform.

I pulled the chain.

The TC came and asked why, and I said, 'my husbands not got in', and he said he would have fined me, but because I had a small child he was letting me go.

(My dad piped in.....he still remembers the TC shouting 'what sort of fool is your husband')

And yes, your big fall was one of my most intense experiences

Me: Tell, tell (full excited I was. I've never really heard the whole story surprisingly)

Context: When I was sixteen, I fell off the terrace of our building, off the fourth floor, all the way to the ground floor

Mom: I was just back from office, still getting off the auto and Kavita (the maid) came running and said "sumitha didi upar se ghirgaye". I thought it was Poojari's daughter Sunita and went into their house, and then saw that it was you. You had fallen into their backyard, and they had brought you in. I touched you. Maybe I wanted to see where you were hurting, broken bones, still alive, I don't know what. I was trying to talk to you. But you had gone so blank, eyes open, just staring into space. There was no response from you at all. 

Luckily, my auto guy had also come in, so we put you into the auto and took you straight to AMS (that's where she worked). I told the doctor and he said, where is the patient. He was expecting you on a stretcher I guess, but you had walked in, by then you were totally fine. Not even a bruise. 

At that time Praveen was cycling down from somewhere and Reddy uncle told him that you'd fallen off the terrace, and Praveen just threw down his cycle and ran saying 'sachipoyindha?' (is she dead)

I went to ammamma and told her, and she started beating her head and crying loudly, she was so fond of you, she also thought you were dead. And it was me who had to give courage to everyone else. I didn't even know what was happening to me.

Next day, daddy who was out of station, came back and it was when I saw him that I held him and broke down. 

(dad had tears in his eyes I think, even as it was being narrated)

Me: Ma, I know you turned vegetarian for Praveen, and that was another close call you had. Tell me about that too.

Mom: Praveen was diagnosed with the nephrotic syndrome. He was just 3 years old. And it was then not curable. Doctors had given up on him.

I remember, Dr Y R Reddy said, "Sukrutha, unfortunately there is no treatment, we can't help. Take him home. And remember, your worrying won't help too"

At that point I decided to give up something Praveen was very fond of, and so was I, I gave up non vegetarian food, even eggs. I didn't give up immediately. I said I would go to tirupati and give up. I did. And strangely, I have never ever wanted to eat it since.

And I am glad and grateful that he got over his ailment. Also, to add, it is because of his fondness for non vegetarian food; he used to eat fish everyday, and the doctor said "It is no wonder he has survived, as that is what replaced the loss of protein on a daily basis".

And ironically, he got hooked to a pretty, pure vegetarian girl.

Both of these instances, with you and with Praveen affirm to me that there is a guiding hand always coming to your rescue.

Me: Amma, that's too much real intense stuff, I'm moving into surreal and the concluding phase. A pet question, would you want to be born again?

Mom: Yeessss. But as what is a big question.

I'm very attracted to water. I feel a strong connection. One day I just want to walk into the ocean. (suicide ma?) No,  not suicide, (like a fish then?) no, no, not as a fish also, (mermaid aa?). Cha, no...just as me.... I just have this beautiful visual of me walking into the ocean and disappearing into the water, becoming one with the water. It keeps coming back to me. It's a very peaceful visual.

Me: My god, you're still there. I don't know how to react. When years back I told Dhruva this, he said 'you mean she wants to walk by the shore, right ?'

Mom: (smiles her sweet dimpled smile and says) "no no, not on the shore.......into the ocean"

Musings - Trivial Triggers

'The more trivial the trigger, the deeper the root cause'

Many a time we hear of (or are part of)  an argument or disagreement which got triggered over the most trivial of issues. One which started over something small and maybe even silly, and went on to more angry or emotional space...maybe even become a fight. This will more often than not be in our closest relationships....between partners, or spouse, or siblings.

And the narration will often sound like 'actually I don't even know how it started, but it just got so ugly'..... 'it was a stupid reason, don't know why I lost it like that' ........'can't even recall what it was, but I was so upset'  and so on and so forth.

And quite often we come out feeling pretty stupid because we believe there wasn't enough cause, and we conclude there was no justification. 

Yet, in reality they keep happening. And the hurt caused is anything but trivial or small.

The hurt is not trivial, because it's accumulated latent hurt that's surfacing. And that's why the disproportionate reaction.

We'd normally deal with it in one of two ways; brush it under the carpet as what we see is the silly trigger, or worse, build walls, insulate ourselves, become indifferent .....and that's just moving away from authentic space.

Watch out next time. Be more aware. And you'll likely see what needs to be seen, the actual issue, the deeper cause. It's an opportunity to better. That's of course presuming you want to :)

A Veggie Juice Diet

I heard about this a few months ago, and it kind of piqued my interest, but then I've never really been a diet person (walking and workout was my hard way to fitness and weight check).

It's a little later that I'd made a trip to Hyd and my dad had said 'look at you, you've put on so much weight', and that took me so by surprise (obviously not nice surprise), because I hadn't even realized it. There's times these extra kgs have a way of creeping in on you unnoticed.

That's when I went back to the almost magical sounding claim of this diet 'a friend lost 5 kgs in a week' 'Another lost 10 kgs in twelve days', and whats more, with higher energy and positive impact on skin and health. And this was first hand info.

I had the needed credibility plus the needed impetus, and I decided to give it a shot. And in full earnest as has been philosophy on anything....do with full commitment and surrender, I went and bought a juicer. 

It's been two weeks now.

And yay....it's true guys. I've lost 5 full kgs, and feeling fitter and better...and of course nicer about myself too. One for the weight lost, and one for having actually been able to do it. :)

And the fun part, friends are noticing (and I'm bragging too). Nice to share all the good things in life, so  here it is in all it's glory and detail.

The Veggie Juice Diet (5 days of lots of vegetables and fruits)

When you wake up:

1 cup hot water with lemon and/or ginger 

(optional: add a pinch of cinnamon powder) 

Breakfast: 500 ml 

3-5 Cucumbers

2 Green Apple

1 Bunch Spinach

1 Bunch Coriander

1 Lemon

3-5 cm piece of Ginger

(I've started adding whatever pleases, or at times whatever's in the fridge, including cauliflower and cabbage)

It's a lovely green, herbal flavored drink. Needs no added flavors, no salt, no sugar, no honey, no pepper, no anything. Just this subtle herbal taste.

Mid-morning Snack:

Coconut Water or Veg Soup (I did buttermilk, worked well for Hyd summer)

Lunch: 500 ml

4 Beets

1 Big orange

4 Carrots

2 Lemons

1.5 cups of Grapes/Berries

It looks so pretty after it's all ready, that diksha added in this picture

Diksha typically joins me for one time, so the two glasses. And we've been adding chia seeds and flax seeds into the glass directly. It adds a nice feel, not to speak of plenty of oxidants, omega 3 fatty acids, fiber, protein, and more micronutrients.

Mid Afternoon: 500 ml 

3-5 Cucumbers

2 Green Apple

Spinach

Coriander

1 Lemon

3-5 cm piece of Ginger 

Dinner: 500 ml

4 Beets

1 Big orange

4 Carrots

2 Lemons

1.5 cups of Grapes/Berries

This is the juicer I'm using.

Before Sleeping:

1 cup hot water with lemon and/or ginger 

(optional: add a pinch of cinnamon powder) 

We can also add Sweet Potato, Cabbage, Red and Yellow Bel-peppers, Amla, Green Veggies, water melon, Tarbuj, pomegranate, Anar, Grapes etc.

Important thing to remember: 80% Vegetables and 20% Fruits (Fruits are also just for taste. If you can drink raw vegetable juice, avoid fruits to reduce sugar.)

The key here is that the juice has so much nutrient that you don't feel hungry at all. And what's more, you actually have more energy for the day. Also honestly speaking, I'd say I've done it at 80% levels. Haven't given up on my morning cup of coffee (that's a little sacrosanct space :), have also eaten a meal days I've been out,  and so I got there in two weeks instead of one.

This is basically to say, find your comfort level, makes it easier to embrace the shift.

Having been with juicing for a while now, I also figured that having the right kind of juicer is a pretty critical part of the whole project. While I missed out knowing enough there, here's a review that might help. https://www.reviews.com/juicer/

Happy juicing, and all that comes with it !!