Dealing With Your Discomfort Zone

Let's talk about this in the context of 'Crucial Conversations'

What’s defined as a crucial conversation, is not as much the ‘crucialness’ of context or consequence, but a scenario where there is disagreement or difference in outlook between the individuals, with a potential to spark emotions. It is this emotionally charged nature of these conversations that makes them crucial conversations.  

                                       

A lot of what you’ll achieve through such conversation is dependent on how you say what you say. 

Two factors to keep in mind here:

1. keep the objective of the conversation in clear view all through

2. create the right connect and context at the start, it enables honest listening

Else, chances are high that it would just be both of you reacting and talking but neither absorbing what the other is saying. Net affect pretty much nullified.

What research has shown, is that some of the most influential moments of our lives are times when we must discuss high stake topics with those who vehemently disagree with our views.

And why it becomes significant that we become aware of our discomfort zones is because of the highly likelihood that we'll hit those areas through a crucial conversation. We can have clear objectives and make the best possible starts with the conversations, but what happens when you hit the emotions...... how do you handle the emotions that you'll likely confront. 

Reactions can fall under :

a) Crying:  a natural physiological reaction when people feel hurt, disappointed or sad. Can you wait out the tears, be supportive of the pain, let the other know it is okay to feel the pain. And then continue the conversation, right away or later.....with knowing and letting know know that change can yet happen

b) Embarrassment: when a person sees or feels that he has been acting or believing in a way that has been harmful to himself or others, he may feel embarrassed. Do not try to alleviate or soften the reaction. Allow him a moment to catch his breath. Move on when you sense the other person is ready. Also helps to talk of what he has now discovered or learnt....articulating a learned lesson helps a person feel stronger.

c) Defensive Anger: defensiveness and anger usually subside after the initial response....if you don't fuel the fire. When you sense someone’s anger, you might reflexively defend yourself, get angry in return, or you shut down. Be aware...you want that objective met.

d) Confusion or Fear: When you face these feelings, listen. Ask about the fear and listen to the person's stories so you can discover what is holding them back. Do not try to diffuse or soften their emotions, or even tell them it is understandable to feel afraid; better to say that you would like to understand what's causing the fear so you can help them move forward with confidence. 

Avoid judging people for their reactions. Rather, try to understand what it is that might be causing the resistance.  Watch for becoming angry or disappointed yourself, and recall what you believe they are capable of achieving. Hold them in high regard during a difficult conversation. From this perspective, you have a chance at holding an amazing conversation that could surprise the both of you.

A study by Joseph Grenny, a behavior psychologist, four time New York times best selling author, recently studied singular conversations that had life-long effects for 525 people, and says about it:

These folks identified high-stakes interactions that went either surprisingly well or terribly badly-and that changed the course of their lives to some degree.

Their research over the past 25 years showed that those who are competent at handling these crucial conversations realize results far different from those who aren't. For example:

• Parents who are able to have crucial conversations with their children are more than twice as likely to describe their relationship as very good or extremely good 
• Partners who can go through with crucial conversations stand to have more fulfilling and authentic relationships 
• Leaders who effectively handle crucial conversations are 50 to 70% more likely to fully achieve project objectives

Of course, a simple conversation doesn't solve everything...... but it goes a long way. Perfection is not the goal. Progress is. 

Research has indicated that small progress in skillfully approaching these crucial moments leads to disproportionate improvement in the strength of relationships, the health of organizations, and our collective capacity to achieve better outcomes.

A Dip, or A Dead End

I read in a Seth post recently:

"If you want a hot shower, you'll need to turn on the hot water a bit before you step inside. It can take a while for the hot water to rise up and clear the cold water from the pipes.  

The thing is, though, that if you mistakenly turn the cold water tap instead, it'll never get hot. No matter how long you wait.  

Sometimes, it takes us too long to realize that we shouldn't wait any longer and might consider checking if we turned on the wrong tap.  

The art of making a difference begins with thinking hard about when it's time to move"

                                    

And then some thoughts from a book of his called 'Dip'...in fact just from seeing the book cover :)

As a society we've been conditioned to glorify 'acceptance', 'tolerance', 'compromise'. But pause to think...are all these always productive. Where and How much are they contributing to keeping us inside of a Dip. A Dip that's plateauing and we can no longer can even see the Dip. 

It's about recognizing it.....Seeing what we want to do there, what can we do there. And to also know there are not just dips....but cliffs and dead ends too.

Articulation and Effort.....and as is said, in an 80:20 ratio. 

Considering the effort seems by far the easiest, what say we step back and look. Even if nothing needs change, you'll be that much happier where you are........and if it does, it's an absolute joy ride :)

Where Pencils Are Scarce

A picture from our recent trip to Rajasthan that speaks a whole story.

On our way back from the Thar desert, in a still really remote region, we passed this village.....a village which had those typical mud walled houses that we've seen in movies of Rajasthan. None of the earlier villages I'd passed on the highway had this.......and it looked so quaint, that I had to ask the cab driver to stop for a picture.

Soon as the car came to a stop, this little girl comes running out. She's speaking in the local dialect, and she's speaking so fast, we can't tell what she's saying. There's almost desperation in her voice. You can almost see it in the picture. And then she's gesturing, and it took us that little while to realize what she was saying......she was asking for pens or pencils....... something to write with. 

It was such a touching moment......just to be part of her joy at seeing so many pens (was so glad for an old habit of carrying a bunch of pens at all times)........ then the ensuing fight with her little brother who had by then joined in, and how she gave him one pen and kept the rest.

Also a moment when you come to face to face with the apparent mysteries of life......this time a scarcity of a different kind.....one you take so much for granted. Guess it touched deep, as it created some really quiet contemplative time in the car. 

A Doctor Visit That Made Me Cringe

It's taken me two days to even get down to writing about this, guess such was it's impact.

The visit itself, was my dad and me going to see an Orthopedic Surgeon at KIMS, under reference of friends. My father has a knee problem, severe enough to need knee replacement surgery; but during preparation for the surgery he was declared 'not fit' due to the discovery of a major heart aneurysm. This was about ten months ago.

At that point he was faced with a critical decision of a 'yes or no' to an open heart surgery, and after indepth discussion with a senior Pulmonologist, he decided against. They both agreed that at 82, it wasn't the most sensible thing to do. 

It was a life altering time. There was the initial scare of learning about the aneurysm (which he describes as now sitting on a ticking time bomb), plus having to deal with a growingly painful knee, dealing with the limitations of not being able to go out of home....not even to the terrace to feed the birds which had become one of his favorite times of day.

Major shifts........physically, psychologically and emotionally.

Over the ten months I've seen my father spend time and energy exploring and finding ways and means of handling the knee pain....starting from permutations and combinations of painkillers, using a walking stick, ayurvedic thylums, Jaipur braces, imported calipers, cartilege enabling injections. I've watched in admiration at the focused, painful, yet brave ongoing effort.

It's in this context, that this visit happened.  Each foray outside of home is now like an adventure for my father, in terms of effort, paraphernalia and pain. Yet high on hope, as we heard this doctor knows of a stem cell based injectible, we went to see him.

Now for the experience of the visit itself.

We enter and begin to tell him the issue and context, and within the minute we hear "If you've decided against surgery, I don't know what you expect.......there is no other solution"

"the knee is like a machine, there is wear and tear and whatever else you do, it will keep getting worse and the pain will keep getting worse...even if you sit in one place it will deteriorate, I don't even know what you people think"

"You've taken a choice against surgery, you seem to think you know better, why did you even come to see me.........you think I have a magic wand"

"you are growing old, what do you expect, that the body will stay like this?....... it will get worse, it will give way, and it will be painful, and the pain will keep getting worse"

"I don't even know why you've come to me, the questions you ask are exasperating... how can you just listen to one doctors opinion and decide on no surgery....in India, people make a big deal of aneurysms, and even of age, I've operated on a patient who is 103, I don't know what you'll think"

And on and on and on......and in a tone and expression that was outright impatient and rude.

In retrospect, I feel if we buckled even an inch, he'd have had my father on the way to the operating table. 

He was actually provoking fear by repeatedly talking of the worst possible prognosis.

While what he said maybe the truth, the way he said it and the number of times he said it could take the courage and faith out of any living human being, leave alone an ailing and elderly patient.

Like my father later said 'he is not fit to be a doctor'. 

I shiver to imagine how many unsuspecting patients he has shaken up. Also why, when he says orthopedic surgeries are a life style choice, in the very same breath he also so vociferously talks definite deterioration and no other solution.

Dr Srikanth Gollamudi, you are in a caring profession. I wish you'd be able to look beyond your scalpel and your operating table, and actually see the patient and the person. You surely need that magic wand.... to work on yourself.

If I was already wary of the corporate hospitals, as I've had two close calls....two extreme experiences of incorrect diagnosis or treatment, this was like last nail in coffin (guess the subconscious mind does pick up appropriate metaphors)

Make believe problems

From Seth

Make believe problems

We focus on them and elevate them on our priority list.

Sometimes, we invent a fake problem and give it great import and urgency as a way to take our focus and fear away from the thing that's actually a threat. These fake problems have no apparent solution, but at least they give us something to fret over, a way to distract ourselves and the people around us.

And sometimes, we pick a fake problem that has a convenient and easy fake solution. Because, the thinking goes, we're taking action, so things must be getting better.

Short order cooks rarely make change happen. And denying reality doesn't make it go away.

An Old Attachment

The day I moved into our new house in Hyderabad, I noticed that the peepal tree next to the house was almost bare of leaves. In fact on the branch towards the left, I could actually count just three leaves, right on top. It looked so interesting, that I took a picture.

And I called it 'an old attachment' because I am actually quite attached to the tree, to the extent that I took a leaf from the tree with me, all the way to Bangalore, kept it safe all of three years, and even brought it back with me :)

And I guess I'm a little extra prone to symbolization, so I was wondering whether is was a foreboding of endings .......or beginnings.......just some random thoughts that drifted in and out of the mind.

That was on the 10th of April. And today, in exactly seven days, it looks like this

So beautiful to witness the change.......to know and accept the cyclical nature of life, through barrenness and through bloom....to be aware that as the leaves have their seasons, the roots just go deeper each day. After all, isn't nature our best teacher....aren't we part of the same nature too.

How to make diseases disappear

How to make diseases disappear | Rangan Chatterjee | TEDxLiverpool

Interesting watch. Thanks for sharing Ajit.

Want Happiness? Buy Experiences, Not Things

Might even seem obvious.....but here's what Thomas Gilovich, a Cornell Professor has found after studies on the subject over decades

In particular, Gilovich focused on the purchases people make, comparing how they felt spending money on material possessions versus experiential purchases.

"People often think spending money on an experience is not as wise an investment as spending it on a material possession, they think the experience will come and go in a flash, and they'll be left with little compared to owning an item."  But in reality we remember experiences long afterward, while we soon become used to our possessions. "

Gilovich's found that experiences are the glue of our social lives, mattering much more than the latest i-gadget because:

- Experiential purchases enhance social relations more readily and effectively than material goods

- Experiential purchases form a bigger part of a person's identity

- Experiential purchases are evaluated more on their own terms and evoke fewer social comparisons than material purchases. 

Why do material posessions not give us so much joy?

"One of the enemies of happiness is adaptation. We buy things to make us happy, and we succeed. But only for a while. New things are exciting to us at first, but then we adapt to them."

He also described how people tend to have more regrets over inaction for experiences than for possessions. You regret more not going to a concert with friends than not buying a new table.

One big reason for why experiences matter more to us than material objects is that they are inherently social. You usually have an experience with friends or family. That makes them so much more valuable. Experiences also commonly result in storytelling and conversation and, certainly, countless Facebook posts of your vacations photos. 

Turns out people don't like hearing about other people's possessions very much, but they do like hearing about that time you saw Vampire Weekend.

Experiences also reflect more of who we really are. They are closer to our inner selves as we are, 'the sum total of all our experiences' And as such, when they are shared, experiences allow us to get closer to others in a way impossible with inanimate objects that we can buy.

As we march forward as a society, collectively pursuing happiness, it would make sense for us to consider what that happiness can be. A society that works more and more hours and has less time for leisure and experiences, is not likely to be happy.

Time to hit the road and do something memorable?

For You Dhruva

On your birthday Kanna, here's some reminiscences of the years gone by

Your very first year

A couple of lovely, candid moments with Diksha, all the more cherished for being from before advent of the digital camera 

 

With nanna in a very boys will be boys kind of picture,  on a trip to the gangan chukki banganchukki water falls 

An intimate moment with ammamma

Enjoying the train with thatha......his love for trains runs so deep, he'd take you to the station for regular walks to just sit and watch trains go by

With Amit, and avva who looks like she's telling some full action story

And with akkayaammamma (my ammamma) who again told you lots of stories, and i recall the jaambhavanthudu one was your favorite and you'd make her tell you again and again

With Kanthamma, who looked after you all those times i was at work, with so much love and care. She still calls you every birthday (she just had her grandson message me)

This is either Australia or Mangalore....I thought Australia, until i saw the jugs behind, Diksha still thinks it's Australia  :)

                      

As always, kiwi trying to do everything you both did, including read :) 

                           

It was this speech that Republic Day that was the deciding factor in getting you to head boy of the school I think. I remember one line when you said what you want of teachers is that 'they be kind'. A much cherished attribute anywhere kanna.

                             

With kiwi ...some serious and deep communion going on there :)

                    

At Jangareddigudem, at my favoritest spot in the world (also pedha thatha's samadhi)....back then it was still polams (fields) all around . Diksha, Sunita, Evy and You.

                                          

Your gang at Jangareddigudem, Sunita, Diksha, Jyoti, Prashanthi and you

                                     

Looking at this picture reminded me of what you said with wisdom beyond your years. "amma, you can have either goats or a vegetable garden here, you can't do both amma, they eat everything". And we chose goats :)

Remember the geese we took all the way from Hyd by car, and this pond in which not just they, but you, learnt how to swim

Some more rustic fun at jrg

Bonfire time in jangareddigudem again....and fancy picture that :)

At Niagara with ammamma and thatha

Thatha, ammamma, you, Mala aunty, Praveen mama and Diksha, on that wonderful trip to the US that you did without nanna or me :)

Kiwis bday was always special day

Your first time in a suit I think...with Mumu bhabhai and Deech

The number of sankranthi's we've spent on the terrace, kite flying.....thanks to nanna for making sure each of us learnt how to fly kites, it was loads of fun and carries some beautiful memories, especially the night flying with lamps we did each year

A picture which never fails to bring a smile. Both of you spent hours on getting the X box going

At the X box (or was it ps2 ) with friends, Rudhveer, Ravikanth and Vandit

Always lovely to see that board with your name as first headboy of DPS, a picture I insisted on taking when we visited school many a years later

                          

In your Jesus avatar, as diksha and I like to call it

And now. 

It's been a wonderful journey since the moment I held you in my arms all of twenty three years ago......a sweet and animated child, always the favorite, be it with teachers at school or maids at home. And now, so grown up, I love how each time we meet I wonder at how much you've changed. The first child bonding is special ....and I also see and respect, and love the strength you bring, the comfort and ease with which you share, the quiet confidence with which you will ask for the space you need, the silences as also the indepth intense conversations....and depth and maturity with which you see things..... at times way seems more mature than even me, and I'm left gaping...half in surprise and half with pride. God bless ma.

Had to get a mushy last pic in :)

                                    

Have a wonderful birthday Dhruva. I know it's hard work times, but guess that can also be part of the wonder and joy of life.

The Little Girl With An Umbrella

A Story......

“Ah! There has been no rain for almost a year now!”

“How are we to feed our families?”

“It is a curse on us… we need to appease the gods!”

The gathering near the village banyan tree was a spectacle of distress. The village headman was thrown in deep concern as he contemplated a way out of the severe drought the village was facing.

After much thought, he announced, “Let the entire village start preparing for the grand service to the rain god, two days from now. I am sure the plea of a thousand hearts would not go unheard!”

The news was spread and the convinced villagers started preparing for the grand service. On the auspicious day, the entire village assembled at the place where the worship was to take place.

But only a little girl came with an umbrella!

What is the level of faith you have in many things you do... Is your doubt, a cause for your own failures?

The Shirodhara Experience

An indulgence I gave myself my last week in Bangalore. And why I call it indulgence, is because this picture of a shirodhara has been enticing me for many a year now. Last week on my walk I happened to pass by this ayurvedic clinic called 'Shathayu', and saw the picture even from the street.....and guess the time had come. 

                              

Shirodhara is a unique ayurvedic body therapy that mainly includes the gentle, and continuous pouring of a stream of warm herbal oil over the forehead or the ajna chakra. It's done for a continuous thirty to forty five minutes.

I was initially tuned into consciously capturing the experience, yet within minutes the profoundly soothing sensation of the warm oil enveloping the forehead seemed to shift me into a different space of being....a kind of passive meditative state. As it pulls you into itself, and you surrender to the sensations, you realize that it is not a state of sleep, but one of a deep centered awareness that takes over and that's why I use the word meditative. It's like time stops.

As the oil flows onto the ajna chakra area, it is said to be highly therapeutic as it reached the deepest recesses of the brain and creates a vibrational frequency that impacts the entire nervous system and sets the body into balance. 

I understood why it said.....'to soothen body, mind and soul'. I'm waiting for my next :)

The Holy Cat

A story:

Once there was an Ashram near Varanasi, where a guru lived with his disciples. Also living in this ashram was a cat. The cat was well fed and well loved by everyone in the Ashram. 

Each time the guru sat for chanting and worship with his disciples, the ashram cat would nuzzle and mew, and this distracted the disciples. So the guru said that during chanting and meditation time the cat should be tied to a post in another room. 

That done, daily order was restored. 

After a few years......the guru died, the disciples continues the ritual of tying the cat during meditation time. 

A couple years later, the sweet cat also died. The disciples after serious deliberation went and bought another cat and tied it to the same post in the ashram to make sure the guru's orders were observed faithfully.

Centuries passed and learned treatises were written by the guru's scholarly disciples on the ritualistic significance of tying up a cat while meditating.

'What holds you from seeking to know why you do what you do....to understand the purpose of the many things you do in life'

'Counselling'

It's been a full year of immersion in the Counselling Training Course at Parivarthan. Through the year, as friends asked 'What is it it about', 'What kind of counselling are you going to do', 'Which theory is it based on' 'How would you go about it' , I found I had a different answer each time. 

Well, why?

'Counselling' is a fairly wide, and relatively new concept, and there is no one phrase or definition to explain it. Counselling as a profession came of age only in the 1950s, and is closely linked to many earlier theories and approaches. 

On the what it is.... maybe in simple terms, it's a process that facilitates the client  to explore, discover and clarify ways of living more satisfactorily, meaningfully and resourcefully.  Life is dynamic and it could throw those curved balls at you. Change happens, and it can put you off gear. Many of us live with stress or restlessness at varying levels...arising from situations, relationships, work, health, death, finding meaning.......reasons are many. 

We mostly cope.....at times 'help' helps.

The question to also ask is..Is life about coping, or is it about living authentically and joyfully.

Awareness is empowering. Counselling enables deeper awareness. It enables an understanding of the 'issue' and or 'yourself' in a new light. It's like, by seeking therapy, you are choosing to take responsibility for your own life, to recognize and acknowledge your humanness, and to seek to find new strengths within yourself. 

Guess I could go on with the what of it. But let's also look at the historical perspective, to understand it a little better.

Think psychology and Freud's there. His biggest contribution...to know that a lot of 'how we think' and 'what we do', and 'what we are' comes from the unconscious space.

While he founded and mastered psychoanalysis, considering he was from an acutely male dominated and class ridden time, plus being a jew during the anti semitic movement, there were themes in his writing which did not sit well with many of the psychology thinkers, especially of the US. Foremost amongst these were Carl Rogers, Eric Berne, Albert Erickson and Abraham Maslow who reinterpreted Freud. Some well known theories are Existentialism, Transactional Analysis, Hierarchy of Needs, Stages of Psycho Social Development, Family Systems Theory and Gestalt. (Gestalt is a personal favorite)

It is believed there are more than 400 distinct models of counselling and psychotherapy. The fact that this whole field of study is of relatively recent origin, mostly between 1950 to 1970, seems to be the reason why there has not yet been time for the explosion of ideas to have been integrated into a unified approach.

Despite the movement in favor of theoretical unification and integration, it is widely accepted that there are three core approaches to viewing the 'human being and their emotional and behavioral issues':

a) Psychodynamic, b) Cognitive Behavior and c) Humanistic 

And while there is an overlap at many levels. on the whole, Psychodynamic counsellors focus primarily on 'insight', Humanistic on 'Self Acceptance' and 'Personal Freedom' and Cognitive Behavior Therapists on 'Management and Control of Behavior'.

Any valid counselling approach should be flexible enough to use the therapeutic relationship, along with the theory most relevant to the well being of the client, at that point of time. An integrated approach so to say.

And that is what I think the course has equipped.....in terms of Awareness, Skills, Theory and Being.

If you're interested in knowing more, I'd be happy to do a chat offline. Email id  is smithadevara@gmail.com

Bye Bye Bangalore

You go anywhere in Bangalore, and you cannot miss these pretty pink trees on the roads. They are right now in full bloom, and just so breathtakingly pretty. I saw this one when I stepped out of Parivarthan for the last time this morning, and I thought it was the perfect picture to capture my last post from Bangalore. 

And then I recalled a picture from a couple months back, also as I parked near Parivarthan......as it seemed an earnest experience of autumn 

                                      

An earlier picture from winter on one of my early morning walks

                                   

And this one house, again from my drive back from Parivarthan. I'd make it a point to slow down for a deeper look almost each day. I used to look in wonder even when it was all green, and last week it was in absolute full bloom....this stunning yellow. A 'full of summer' look it had felt like.

                                    

As tribute to my stay here, these pictures talk of the beautiful seasons spent here......

When I called my dad a few days back and told him that my date of final return to Hyd was fixed, he asked "won't you miss Bangalore?".  I did pause.......I have after all grown to love Bangalore, and I was like, "hmmm......I don't know.......there's so many cherished times and spaces in my stay here, and an overall brilliantly fulfilling experience.....so much so it's just a part of me now... so let's just say I'm taking that with me"

And for these deeply meaningful and wonderful three years.....years I cherish with almost awe and gratitude......thank you Bangalore !!

The Black Book

Another Story:

One day a grieving man came to Hodja - the judge

"Your cow has killed mine!" he cried

                                     

Hodja shouted, "You silly man, how can the cow know that it is a crime to kill another cow. Case dismissed!"

"Pardon me," said the man, "I got it wrong, my cow has killed yours".

"Oh!!" said the judge, "Let's open the black book and see what it says"

How different are the standards you have set for yourself from the ones set for others... Have you studied your black book?

Ram's Love for the Veena

At times (in fact many a time) total chance enables some lovely events. 

When at Girija's, she happened to take me to the basement for something, and I see this Veena sitting there. I kind of knew Ram learnt the Veena, so I was like, 'you think he'll play if I ask', and she's like 'he's very shy, ask and see'.

Surprise, surprise, he not just agreed, but did a small kacheri for us. His knowledge of the raagas was so extensive that I listened in total wonder. Ram's mother was a carnatic sangeetham teacher plus a veena player, and the learning evidently goes back many many years. And then, he has himself been learning for five years now, and not just religiously goes every Saturday, but also practices even on work days. I was pretty impressed by the level of commitment.

He played some of his favorites...I recall Hindolam, Shivaranjani and something kuthuhalam. And I was so thrilled to recognize one song, Samaja Varagamana from Shankarabharanam.

Thanks Ram, for agreeing so spontaneously........for allowing a peep into this world you so apparently love and enjoy...and  for making that last visit something special.

Namma Metro

I did a metro ride yesterday.....for the long distance from my place to Girija's, and what would have taken me two hours each way by car, I did in under an hour, and in the comfort and ease of the metro

                                                

It's a long ride, a full forty minutes...and a nice surprise was the line being half distance overhead and half distance underground, and it was lovely. It's so popular, that even on a Saturday it was pretty full. 

While Girija told me I'd have to be smart getting in, to get a seat, that kind of smart I'm not. But then there was this young lad who was sweet enough to give me his seat the moment I got in. That was so touching. And I found that happening across the board....people getting up for women with children, for elderly people, for children, for women.......was really nice to see that happen. 

And it's so well maintained, and so clean inspite of the crowds, not just the metro itself, but the metro stations too. And it's all so slick, that it's like it's almost inspiring good behavior.

Inside the metro......a picture after most of the crowd got off

A view from the metro

This is pic courtesy Google.......I really like the emblem 

   

Namma metro.....something to be proud of