I Am Me - A Poem by Virginia Satir

In all the world,

there is no one else exactly like me -

everything that comes out of me is authentically mine,

because I alone choose it - I own everything about me - my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions,

whether they be to others or to myself -

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears -

I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me - by so doing I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts -

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me,

and other aspects that I do not know -

but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself,

I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me -

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do,

and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me - If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought and felt turned out to be unfitting, I can discard that which I feel is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded -

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do.

I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive,

and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me -

I own me, and therefore I can engineer me -

I am me &

I AM OKAY

Gravitational Waves

Fascinating stuff.....and doesn't it remind one of Interstellar

And then it also reminded me of Autobiography of a Yogi. Where Paramahansa Yogananda talks of how science fiction will get there first, and then science...... and then, a reality which has always existed becomes known and understood and accepted. How this is part of the process of evolution that enables the mind to expand and grasp the subtler and more subtle facets of reality, which are today not even conceivable to a rational human mind.

All that's preamble. Watch the video,  it's as scintillating a ride as any....

How To Deal With Seams

Another From Seth

a. There is no seam. We've finessed the seam so thoroughly, you can't even tell. This doctor knows everything about the situation as seen by the last doctor, no need to worry about the handoff. You can't tell where one part of the railing ends and the other begins. Your place in the queue and your records and your status are so clear to the next agent that it won't matter a bit to you that there was a switch.

b. There is a seam. That was one color, this is a different one. That was yesterday, this is today. She was your last teacher, I'm your new teacher.

As you might have guessed, the problematic area is where you try to hide a seam, and you fail.

Seams are a promise, an opportunity, a fresh start. Own them or make them invisible.

Why Labeling Emotions Matters

Let's do a feel check.

If asked how you're feeling, your answer will likely range between 'good, okay, great, fine, not too good, kind of okay' and the like.

On the other hand if asked, what are the emotions you felt today ( or maybe over last week), your list would likely slightly expand, maybe ranging from two to five.

Research has shown with growing evidence that it is difficult to properly identify and label the myriad of emotions we experience on a regular basis. To draw an analogy, we are constantly taking black and white photographs of the very colorful scenes of our lives.

Feelings are not rational. They just are. And dark negative emotions can quickly flee when exposed to the light. It's about knowing. (Sure we could also distract or suppress and wait for them to tide over. Tide over they will, for now, but they do not go away. They still sit somewhere within your system, just biding their time to surface, in whatever other form)

Labeling emotions isn't necessary for their primary—and immediate—purpose. 'The conscious understanding of emotions is superfluous from a survival standpoint,' says Gillihan a research psychologist. 'If I'm running away from a tiger in caveman days, I never say to myself, 'I am afraid.' I just think, Tiger! I've got to get out of here! I handle the threat and survive.' In modern times, however, our feelings often arise from our relationships, careers, travel, and such, and we benefit from a more considered response. "It helps to be able to put a frame around more complex emotions."

And while emotions sometimes do combine smoothly into an easily comprehensible new experience, the way a tiny dab of white paint can turn a dollop of red paint a vibrant pink, at other times they clash and confuse, leaving us unsure how to respond.

To turn to an example, if my coworker messed something up and I'm only aware of the anger his mistake makes me feel, I might think that I'm justified in lashing out at him. But if I happen to be aware that my emotional response also includes anxiety about having to fix this issue, I might be more motivated to down regulate my anger so that I can recruit his help. In this second scenario, our relationship remains strong, and we effectively work together to solve problems. Thus, making an effort to understand our emotions in nonjudgmental ways can be quite valuable in terms of helping us regulate them better, and consequently, navigate our environments more smoothly.

Importantly, some people experience greater difficulties labeling their emotions than others. No matter how complex their emotions might be, they still come up with only a few labels to describe them. This impoverished emotional labeling is, in turn, associated with deficits regulating those emotions (see Vine & Aldao, 2014). In other words, the less aware we are of our emotions, the less likely we are to figure out how to best regulate them. 

The feeling wheel up there, I know it's crazy detailed, but just as an indicative spread......it gives an idea of how deep we can go in labeling, and thereby understanding and thus regulating our own emotions......... and to that extent enable better decision making and piloting of our own lives. 

Kung Fu Panda

Dhruva was talking (in total awe) of the amazing animation, especially of the fast paced battle sequences of Kung Fu Panda, and that created a mood for a rerun.



And no surprise....we enjoyed it as much all over again. The simple yet deep truths, a lovable Panda, wonderful support cast......his teacher Shifu, the wise Oogway, the Furious five, brilliant animation and an endearing story.

You also realize how, the more you know about a field or skill, the more you appreciate the expertise and technical excellence ( and thanks to Dhruva, I'm half there with CGI and animation :) And to add, while there were so many gravity defying stunts, especially by the fierce five, I understand they were all what physics will permit.

The story itself......who'd think that a fat sloppy panda could be a Kung Fu master, right? But then, that's what it's all about I guess. 'If you think you can, or... you think you can't, you're right'. All about belief. And then process of course. Goal, Belief, Process..... in all their power and splendor.

And I loved Pos character, so cool and irreverant  and passionate.....and the whole process of how he discovers his own strengths .......and goes from a big fan of the Furious Five and their Kung Fu, to being selected and then becoming, the chosen Dragon Warrior.  The furious five are as fascinating. Maybe about how size and shape and community....nothing matters.  And then there's so many laugh aloud moments too. Can't not add...Jack Black was as lovable in voice as he is in real. He just made Po so endearing.

The Shifu and Po training sequence, all revolving over a dumpling, was a hugely interesting sequence. Also the Oogway wisdom 'it's all about the now, not the past, not the future but now, and that's why it's called the present'..a lot of kids got that just right.' ( they didn't need Ekhart Tolle, you see). And also how, once Oogway realizes that Shifu has accepted the truth, he disappears into the sparkling cherry blossoms...a gorgeously beautiful visual sequence.

It's just one of those movies you can keep in your collection and watch when the mood takes you, child or adult alike, though of course watching with the kids just makes it that one level more fun.

In fact Diksha's reference for 'aha moments' is 'Oogway moments', and in that sense Oogway is part of home :)

How a Food Chain Keeps its Turnover Rates Low

A really fascinating write up on 'How a Food Chain Keeps its Turnover rates Low': From Harvard Business Review. Lots to be learnt there......just look at those numbers and you'll want to know the 'how' ......and then the beliefs and focus on people.  I especially like the bit where he says people, like machines, can go out of calibration and so the emphasis on the continuous coaching and teaching. Brilliant stuff !

Strong recommendation to read the whole thing, it reads like a fun and deep story.

'Many of us who are hungry for the latest dispatches from the war for talent look to to Silicon Valley. We want to know Google’s secret to hiring the best people or Mark Zuckerberg’s one tip for hiring employees. But in a world where most companies don’t operate on the frontiers of digital transformation, and most employees aren’t tech geeks or app developers, our appetite for unconventional talent strategies should probably extend to more conventional parts of the economy. Like, say, an amazing fast-food chain called Pal’s Sudden Service.

At first blush, there’s nothing all that amazing about Pal’s. It has 26 locations in northeast Tennessee and southwest Virginia, all within an 80-mile radius of its home base in Kingsport, Tennessee. It sells burgers, hot dogs, chicken sandwiches, fries, shakes—standard fast-food fare, although the taste and quality have a well-deserved reputation for excellence.

Dig deeper, though, and you see that nothing about Pal’s is standard for its business, or any business. The most obvious difference is its fanatical devotion to speed and accuracy. Pal’s does not offer sit-down service inside its restaurants. Instead, customers pull up to a window, place their orders face-to-face with an employee, pull around to the other side of the facility, take their bag and drive off. All this happens at a lightning pace—an average of 18 seconds at the drive-up window, an average of 12 seconds at the handout window to receive the order. That’s four times faster than the second-fastest quick-serve restaurant in the country

But Pal’s is not just absurdly fast. It is also staggeringly accurate. You can imagine the opportunities for error as cars filled with bickering families or frazzled salespeople zip through in under 20 seconds. Yet Pal’s makes a mistake only once in every 3,600 orders. That’s ten times better the average fast-food joint, a level of excellence that creates unprecedented levels of customer loyalty, as well as loud acclaim from management experts. Indeed, back in 2001, Pal’s became the first restaurant company of any kind to win the prestigious Malcolm Baldrige Quality Award—an award that’s gone, over the years, to the likes of Cadillac, FedEx, and Ritz-Carlton.

Ultimately, what’s truly intriguing about Pal’s, what allows this small company to cast such a large shadow, is the level of intelligence and intensity with which it approaches the human side of its business—how it hires, trains, and links its identity in the marketplace to its approach in the workplace. “If you watch professional athletes, everything they do looks so smooth and fluid,” says CEO Thomas Crosby. “But eventually you realize how much work went into that performance, all the training, all the skill-building, all the hours. It’s the same for us.”

So what can the rest of us learn from Pal’s? First, the best companies hire for attitude and train for skill. Pal’s 26 locations employ roughly 1,020 workers, 90 percent of whom are part-time, 40 percent of whom are between the ages of 16 and 18. It has developed and fine-tuned a screening system to evaluate candidates from this notoriously hard-to-manage demographic—a 60-point psychometric survey, based on the attitudes and attributes of Pal’s star performers, that does an uncanny job of predicting who is most likely to succeed. Among the agree/disagree statements: “For the most part, I am happy with myself.” “I think it is best to trust people you have just met.” “Raising your voice may be one way to get someone to accept your point of view.” Pal’s understands that character counts for as much as credentials, that who you are is as important as what you know.

Second, even great people need constant opportunities for improvement. Once Pal’s selects its candidates, it immerses them in massive amounts of training and retraining, certification and recertification. New employees get 120 hours of training before they are allowed to work on their own, and must be certified in each of the specific jobs they do. Then, every day on every shift in every restaurant, a computer randomly generates the names of two to four employees to be recertified in one of their jobs—pop quizzes, if you will. They take a quick test, see whether they pass, and if they fail, get retrained for that job before they can do it again. (The average employee gets 2 or 3 pop quizzes per month.)

“People go out of calibration just like machines go out of calibration,” CEO Crosby explains. “So we are always training, always teaching, always coaching. If you want people to succeed, you have to be willing to teach them.”

Which speaks to a third lesson: Leaders who are serious about hiring also have to be serious about teaching. Pal’s has assembled a Master Reading List for all the leaders in the company, 21 books that range from timeless classics by Machiavelli (The Prince) and Max DePree (Leadership Is an Art), to highly technical tomes on quality and lean management. Every other Monday, Crosby invites five managers from different locations to discuss one of the books on the Master List.

Meanwhile, every day, he identifies at least one subject he will teach to one person in the company. Actually, that’s a requirement for all leaders at Pal’s, who are expected to spend 10 percent of their time on teaching, and to identify a target subject and a target student every day. “All leaders are teachers, whether they realize it or not,” Crosby says. “So we have formalized a teaching culture. We teach and coach every day.”

The end result of Pal’s commitment to hiring smart and teaching continuously is that employees show the same sense of loyalty as its customers. Turnover is absurdly low. In 33 years of operation, only seven general managers (the people who run individual locations) have left the company voluntarily. Seven! Annual turnover among assistant managers is 1.4 percent, vanishingly low for a field where people jump from company to company and often exit the industry altogether. Even among front-line employees, turnover is just one-third the industry average.

“People ask me, ‘What if you spend all this time and money on training and someone leaves?’” Crosby says. “I ask them, ‘What if we don’t spend the time and money, and they stay?’”

That may be the most important lesson of all.'

An Interesting Autobiography

An Autobiography in Five Short Chapters - Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

Rohith Vemula, Kanhaiya and Umar Khaled

I first heard of the Rohith suicide on the HCU campus, from a friend whose lecture that day was cancelled on account of the suicide, exactly one month back.

A normal first reaction...that of a distant onlooker......yet another student suicide...so sad

And then I read his suicide note, and you see what a fine and courageous mind that was, and how yet, it has fallen victim to the still prevalent caste bias that has such a vicious hold in our system....more so in educational institutions where power vests with those in control. It's subtle yet venomous in its grip.

Rohith's suicide note

Our system seems to have consciously ensured a lack of general awareness on the issue. We don't learn about it at any level, not school, not college, not anywhere. So the ones who struggle it and suffer it are the only ones who know, and they get not even empathy or understanding from their peers....maybe just some perfunctory sympathy when someone like Rohith commits suicide. And worse, random opinions which come from a space of ignorance and bias. And we're talking of a significant forty percent of the country. It reeks of a complete failure of a social system.

It wasn't until this incident made me read more, that I got to know even the little I do now. That the 'dalits' (where did this term come from? how racist is it?) are not even a part of the Varna system, which otherwise categorizes the whole of the county's populace. Shows how deep the ignorance is. Who gives anyone rights to decide who belongs where? Who gave Gandhi (with all due respect otherwise) a right to coin a term which puts varied and diverse communities into this one bucket of Harijans. It's racism and casteism of the worst kind. Give identity and give pity,  and then you feel you've done good. Where is fairness and equality?

For anyone who has read the Gita, it's clear that the Varna system was not even based on birth, but that's of course conveniently buried even by the most learned.

Guess, I'd only get more emotional if I write, and that serves no purpose. It's best to listen to our second hero ( a true hero) Kanhaiya, a student from Bihar,  from a family that has lived on an income of three thousand rupees, and now President of the DSU at JNU. His clarity of thought and articulation of issues are of a rare intelligence.

And what happens? He gets jailed for sedition.

Kanhaiya's speech

And there's now a witch hunt on for his friend Umar Khaled..... a hunt for a scapegoat. What are the grounds? That he's a muslim and a supporter of the cause for Kashmir and a terrorist, and that he has travelled to Kashmir and Pakistan and Bangladesh in recent past, when it is now found that he does not even possess a passport. Again, zero evidence of charges, but his life is now under threat.

Swara Bhaskar, a JNU alumus has written an open letter to Umar Khaled. I loved her letter for reasons beyond courage and articulation.....in the letter is an openness and honesty of process...of her shift from an attitude of disdain and irritation at activism and student politics, to one of belief and love, which could speak for a lot of us.

Swara Bhaskar's letter

All the happenings of the month, her letter, speeches of students and professors at JNU,  the objective and thought out articles in newspapers, bring with them a feeling of hope......of hope that there are voices out there who have the courage to raise up, and how, what started as a university issue, a tremor in a corner, has now risen to this beautiful loud rumble, and I pray it keeps the momentum.

And this if nothing else has clearly indicated that Modi is still the Modi behind the Godhra massacre. He is yet silent in the face of this whole issue, and it makes you wonder what we've elected into power. Barkha Dutt has written an open letter to Modi, raising some pertinent questions.

Barkha Dutt's letter to Modi

When Amir Khan recently mentioned that he feels his son may not be safe in this country, there was so much self righteous noise. Now you understand he has every reason to have felt what he did. Look at all the false aspersions ...... sedition, anti nationalism, terrorism.....not just on no evidence, but on doctored evidence.

I honestly haven't heard a more powerful, meaningful, and nationalist speech than Kanhaiya's in a long while, and he's arrested for anti-nationalism. 'Bunyadi sawaal' as he said... so true, his questions are so fundamental. We need those answers.

Keeping fingers crossed that this brings out many more Rohiths, Kanhaiyas and Umar Khaleds 

Acceptance and Committment

This has always been a favorite guiding principle, but like any deep statement.....the more I see it, the more it seems to say

A lot of our beliefs, I guess through powerful conditioning, lay emphasis on the 'Acceptance'... Acceptance of the situation, Acceptance of the other, Acceptance of teachings.....

The other day I came across a theory which adds clear perspective to the most critical part of this saying; 'the wisdom to know the difference'.

It goes by the acronym ACT:

• Accept your reaction and be present
• Choose a valued direction
• Take Action

It's a powerful mindfulness theory:

Be mindful of what is happening to you, make room for the sensations as they happen, be they painful or joyful.

Also be aware of your own core values, what you want your life to be about, what you want to stand for, what ultimately matters to you in the larger picture of your life.

Let your 'acceptance' or 'change' be in alignment of your core values, as any move away from your self ( your core) can only cause unrest or disturbance within, immediately or in the long term.

Awareness of the self.... Of what matters to you..... Listen to those cues from within.....Listen to yourself and let the commitment be thus aligned.

Unconscious ( and Conscious? ) Biases

An article in the Harvard Business Review

Are Professors More Likely to Mentor White Male Students?

Discrimination affects prospective academics seeking mentoring, according to an experiment of over 6,500 professors at 259 top U.S. universities, led by Katherine Milkman at Wharton. Professors received emails from fictional students asking to discuss research opportunities; the messages were identical except for the students’ names, which were randomly assigned to signal gender and race. The researchers found the professors were significantly more responsive to white males than to all other categories of students, particularly in higher-paying disciplines and at private institutions. In the field of business, for example, women and minorities seeking guidance were collectively ignored at 2.2 times the rate of white males. Such differences in treatment could have meaningful career consequences for individuals and for society, the researchers write.

This article, and in the backdrop of the caste based discrimination issue that's currently playing out right in our most esteemed universities like Hyderabad Central University and JNU, Delhi, bring out just how far we still are from 'fair and equal'. 

It's at times like these that I realize and value, all the more, what organizations like Google do, when they emphasize diversity to the extent they do.

I recall, when I was yet there, HR exploring ways of reducing some basic biases from first level recruitment. They were considering removing of Names, Age, Gender and Photographs from the resume during screening....as it's atleast one level of getting rid of the deep rooted biases we're victims of. 

May their tribe increase.

Blossom Book Store

Blossom Book Store, Bangalore's oldest and most beloved second hand book store, is like a landmark in the city. It's an experience that can overwhelm even the most avid book lovers, with it's stacks and stacks and stacks of old, used, and new books crammed into every square inch of the three floors of the store. Not even the stairways are left out.

Church Street, where it's located has metamorphed, over the last thirty odd years, to house some of the swankiest cafe's and stores of Bangalore, yet Blossoms remains like the good old friend, where you go for that feel and smell and sense of just books.

I'd gone with a friend last week, and I wasn't at all surprised to hear him say, oh, there's more floors.... last time you sent me here, I spent all my time on just the first floor. The store seems to have every possible kind of book, right from Bertrand Russel, Hitchcock's Biography, to Tinkles to Manga to Peter Drucker and Sanskrit dictionaries and music books and even some LPs....the list just goes on. It's easy on the pocket and you'll see a lot of folks walk out with a huge loads of books. 

The book store even has a cute website dedicated to it Overheard at Blossoms. Stuff like:

“Oh man I feel like a blonde here. ”One fellow while standing amidst a bunch of folks talking about murakami books.

Dude there are so many book covers of Catcher in the Rye. Which one is original?

Dad: Boss, you have any childrens comics?
Attendant : Yes sir, what type do you want?
Dad : I dont know…it should have pictures.”

The children's section just so excited me, as it had stacks of books I had grown up on....famous five's, secret seven's, hardy boys and nancy drews. I spent time there just going through all the titles in the stack, a nice nostalgic walk down.

A visit to Blossoms, and you walk out with that long satisfied sigh, and so reassured......however fancy the kindle or ipad maybe....book stores are not going anywhere :)

Five Levels of Communication

A really detailed and interesting model of human interaction.

Richard Francisco, of the Stanford School of Business and a psychologist at San José University talks of  "ways in which we communicate"  by mapping out  " five levels" that represent increasing degrees of difficulty, risk, and potential learning in our interactions. 

Level 1: Ritual

We begin with the most basic and fleeting form of communication, the "ritual." In this context, a ritual is a simple interaction that "allows two people to acknowledge each other as human beings."

Most of our greetings and goodbyes, particularly in passing, take the form of ritual communication. They are heavily influenced by the setting and the respective roles  of the parties involved, and they tend toward the predictable and formulaic.

Typical forms of ritual include acknowledging an employee or manager when we pass them in the office, or beginning the conversation with a client or customer as we sit down, or making small talk with a barista as we wait for our coffee.

Level 2: Extended Ritual

Ritual communication can be extended in several ways. We can have an ongoing, iterative relationship with someone we see repeatedly, and the basic ritual form within that relationship can evolve over time, or we can have a longer, more comprehensive interaction, in which we exhaust the most basic ritual forms and begin to explore new territory, while still staying within certain conversational limits.

Typical forms of extended ritual include the more variegated interactions we have with colleagues we bump into regularly, or the longer conversations we have with a neighbor. It's still "small talk," but it changes from day to day  as we move through a range of unofficially sanctioned topics.

While there is more depth to the level of communication in extended ritual than in ritual, it is nevertheless a very safe level of communication.

Level 3: Content (or Surface)

This is the level on which most of our professional interactions take place. "These involve giving and receiving information, analyzing projects...problem-solving...sharing and talking about tasks, and sharing information about ourselves," albeit in limited and safe forms of self-disclosure.

The distinctions between trivial small talk and more meaningful content are relative, and they may change from one setting to the next.

What's clear is what's missing from these first three levels:  feelings.

Level 4: Feelings About Content

Not talking about our feelings doesn't mean we're not having feelings during those conversations--we're just not talking about them. And because emotions are essential inputs in our decision-making and reasoning processes, not talking about them means that many Level 3 conversations get stuck, with issues going unresolved or being resolved in only a superficial way.

Level 5: Feelings About Each Other

This is where it gets really challenging--these conversations involve how I feel about you, and how you feel about me, one of the most direct forms of interpersonal conversations. These conversations are the most difficult--because they can be extremely stressful--and the riskiest--because we often lack the practice that's critical to develop the necessary skills at this level, leading to inevitable missteps and misunderstandings.

When we are able to disclose how we feel about the issue at hand but still find ourselves stuck and unable to reach resolution, it's often because we have feelings about the other people involved (and vice versa) that are not being expressed.

Moving beyond Level 4 and sharing our feelings about each other can allow us to break out of these seemingly endless loops and achieve a deeper sense of mutual trust and understanding. 

By their very nature, Level 5 conversations carry the risk of embarrassment or threat--so we tend to avoid them, and so we don't develop the skills necessary to have them effectively, and the cycle perpetuates itself. But, when something feels risky to say, that's because saying it carries a short-term cost--and NOT saying it carries a long-term cost that will inevitably grow over time. We need to confront the risk of embarrassment or threat--prudently, not rashly--and break the cycle that keeps us silent.

So when we find ourselves struggling to communicate effectively in a given relationship or interaction, we should ask... 

• What level are we communicating at right now? Are we stuck on a more superficial level and avoiding a deeper conversation? 

• If we're not communicating at the level that best suits our needs at the moment, how might we shift the conversation up or down? Are we able to move fluidly to different levels, or are there certain levels we never  employ? 

• Are we able to talk about our feelings in the framework that defines this relationship or group?  

Why?

Because these conversations are also among the most powerful we can have, with the greatest potential for learning and growth. 

The Story of the Cracked Pot

A story I heard last week....

A water bearer had two large pots, one hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. 

One of the pots was nice and perfect, but the other had a crack in it. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house, the perfect pot delivered a full pot of water, while the cracked pot always arrived only half full.

 

For two years this went on daily, with the water bearer delivering one and a half pots full of water to his master's house. 

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, fulfilled in the design for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was unable to accomplish what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, the cracked pot spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream, “I am ashamed of myself and I apologize to you.”

“Why, what are you ashamed of ? ” the water bearer asked the sad cracked pot.

“I feel sorry that for these past two years I have been able to deliver only half my load because of this crack in my side. And because of my flaw, you have to do extra work and you don't get full value from your efforts,” the pot said full of remorse.

The water bearer said, “As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and was kind of consoled.

But at the end of the trail, the cracked pot, still felt remorse, shame and a feeling of guilt, again apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the cracked pot, “Did you not notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, and not on the other pot's side…? That is because I have always known about your flaw and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we've walked back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have these lovely flowers to grace his house.”

Sweet and meaningful, huh?

And it's proper moral story...so here's the moral as well - We are all cracked pots, each with our own unique flaws; there are no winners and there are no losers...focus on what you can do,to your fullest potential.... not on what others do. 

Belief System

'Man is not disturbed by events, but by the view he takes of them' - Epictetus

Belief systems are the basis for the stories we tell ourselves to define our personal sense of "reality". Every human being has a belief system that they utilize, and it is through this mechanism that we individually, "make sense" of the world around us.

We all have our own set of beliefs........which create a framework for our perspectives, our values, our world view. Our beliefs gets formed right through childhood...in early childhood from parents or other adults around us...... and as we grow, the social group around us..... we imbibe them through our underlying need to be loved and accepted.

Another major source is our own need for emotional and physical well being, to protect ourselves from painful emotions like hurt, loss, to create an underlying framework of self worth.

Becoming aware of our own belief system can become a useful tool in self awareness. Especially so, as many of these beliefs can also become self negating or self defeating. They become the very basis of the stories we tell ourselves which cause us hurt and pain. 

Here are a few instances to get how they can work;

If our belief is 'I must be a success in life to be worthwhile'; When this pushes you to work hard and you succeed it's a good thing, but on the other hand if you experience failure or a set back in your career, you could slip into a feeling of worthlessness.

If our belief is 'Being punctual reflects character'; when you have someone who is not necessarily the most punctual, you could judge him on a much larger personality scale, or when you get delayed at times you could be unforgiving on yourself.

If your belief is 'I need to be there for the family to be a responsible person'; While in itself it can be a positive thing, there's many a time when it reaches a space where it doesn't give us permission to being any other way. 

And what's interesting to note is that a lot of our beliefs are absolute. Any breach is a reason for judgement;  they do not allow too much place for flexibility.

It's useful to become aware, and when you catch yourself in a vulnerable or low space, to see which of your belief system landed you there, and how irrational that belief really is. 

Here are some Irrational Beliefs suggested by Psychologists, Albert Ellis and Davis:

1. You are helpless and have no control over what you experience or feel
2. When people disapprove of you, it invariably means you are wrong or bad
3. Happiness and fulfillment can only occur in the presence of others, and being alone is horrible
4. It is absolutely necessary for an adult to have love and approval from peers, family and friends
5. You need something other or stronger or greater than yourself to rely on
6. People are fragile and should never be hurt
7. Good relationships are based on mutual sacrifice and a focus on giving
8. Your worth as a person depends on how much you achieve and produce
9. Anger is automatically bad and destructive
10. It is bad or wrong to be selfish

This is by no means a comprehensive list....but knowing we all have our own, is a good first step to figuring out which ones are working for you and which not, or more significantly that none needs be absolute......that there can always be other perspectives which could be as true.

Valentine's

A friend asked, early this morning.........'so who you spending the occasion with'? 

While I was always part of that bunch who'd say...'Uh...don't believe in it, it doesn't make a difference, how does a day matter, it's just a lot of hype, duh..duh..duh'.....today, I'm happy to have another opportunity to acknowledge and celebrate the day........rejoice with all those who love...in whatever form.

It's after all one of those most empowering of emotions........one that can touch everything you do to make it that one critical notch more beautiful.......experience magic for real

There's a quote from Albert Camus which I really like.....

If those whom we begin to love could know us as we were before meeting them … they could perceive what they have made of us.

Happy to celebrate the magic......so cheers !!

Gulabi Aankhen....

Nice, Peppy..... and visually beautiful too....

Myriad Shades of Lalbagh

Renewed walking.....and renewed enthusiasm; each day of the last few mornings at Lalbagh has thrown up such different shades and moods, that I couldn't help but catch some of it on my phone. I so totally get why there are so many photograph buffs with their fancy DSLR's there.....

The lotuses are one of my favorites....they make you really understand the pretty pretty pink

A foggy morning

Another sunrise 

                              

So nice to see so many folks who bring food for the dogs....the birds, and squirrels and ducks 

And monkeys too. 

I fed the baby monkey and he took me so by surprise. He held my palm in both his hands and ate directly from the palm....it so freaked me out, because I could feel his teeth and my minds screaming saying 'monkeys are highly rabid'. He was supposed to use his hand you see, like in the picture, but when I gave......he chose otherwise 

                           

That's my Lalbagh friend...called him Ray....he was nice enough to get on the bench and pose for me

 Two squirrels in some crazy squeaky conversation

This ones a favorite pic

It's All a MIstake

Another one from Seth:

It's all a mistake...until it works.

That's what innovation is. Mistakes, Experiments, Mis-steps. Until it works.

The process isn't to avoid the things that don't work. Because that means avoiding the things that 'might' not work...

Instead, our job is to eagerly embrace the mistakes on the road to the impact that we seek.

Knowing

Do not believe what you have heard
Do not believe in tradition because it is handed down many generations
Do not believe in anything that has been spoken of many times
Do not believe because the written statements come from some old sage
Do not believe in conjecture
Do not believe in authority or teachers or elders
But after careful observation and analysis, when it agrees with reason, then accept it and live by it
                                                                                                         -   Buddha 

This Is Where I Leave You

A story of a family that gets together at the time of their fathers' death.

The movie is set during Shiva (Jewish tradition of a week long mourning period for immediate relatives of the deceased) where four children, with their respective spouses, girlfriends and exes meet and spend a week together, each with a story as (seemingly) complex as the other.

 

A whole week together, and a lot of what's beneath the surface is thrown up.......... the secrets, the deeper feelings, the fights, the bitterness, the shared moments.....

The movie starts with Judd Altman ( Jason Bateman) finding out his wife's been having an affair with his boss. He's heart broken, or so he thinks. Only later, when telling his sister about it, realization dawns that he was still holding on to the idea of a happy space but that it had long passed that. Then he hooks up with a childhood crush.

The sister Wendy (Tina Fey) is unhappy in her marriage, there seems no connection between her and her husband, and she hooks up with her childhood love.

There's the oldest brother Paul, a boring kind of person, and his wife, who seems singularly focused on trying to have a child.

The third brother is with a girlfriend who is much older and they seem to be in a good relationship, but then, she leaves him when she discovers he cheated on her.

I warned you...it's just too many stories.

While the movie had its moments, and the acting was decent, (with Jane Fonda still the strongest presence, even at 76),  in and through all that drama, I found it pretty plastic. Also too full of profanities and in your face sexual innuendo, actually wait, it can't be in your face and innuendo...it's all just in your face.

The silver lining was the equation between two brothers, played by Jason Batemen and Adam Driver, where there's this chemistry and a natural understanding at a deeper level. I also like Tina Fey's character but there was too little of it on screen.

There's an interesting punch from the mother, which seems to be also why she engineers the whole Shiva under guise of it being the fathers last wish. 

Verdict.....way too messy and loud  

No Monkey Business This !

On a busy city street....... 

To Find Yourself - Let Go

There's times in life which come as wake up calls. Moments to step back and ask yourself some of those deeper questions (that got mispelt as deerer, and I almost wanted to leave it like that......seemed to be as right a fit :).

I was reading this post from Seth: 'Anchoring Can Sink You' and the title really caught my attention, as it's like an antithesis of a lot that we hear. And it so resonated, as it right away took me back to those turning points in life when unanchoring becomes a pre-requisite. And it's such a struggle........ because you're wanting change and you're also holding on to your anchor. It's the mistaken belief that your identity at that point, is 'absolute'  that totally anchors you.

While sounding simple enough, anchoring is something we slip into by default, we have a 'being' zone, and most of our beliefs and thinking keeps us in that anchored zone. 

And worse, it not just holds us in, it also influences how we listen to others. Our anchor has decided what's right and what not, what's good and what's not, what's worth aspiring for and what not, what makes us happy and what not. 

Watch for those wake up calls....they are not normally the most pleasant of times, but they are your rites of passage to potentially connect to your core. Seth of course says it so much more beautifully...........

From Seth: Anchoring Can Sink You

Canny negotiators know that people respond to anchors. If you tell me that your baseball card is for sale for $18, I'm unlikely to offer you $3. Your offering price anchored the conversation.

The thing is, we do this outside of negotiation, whenever we ask for insight.

If someone says, "can you review this slide deck?" there are a bunch of anchors already built in. Anchor: there are slides. Anchor: there are six slides. Anchor: the slides have text on them.

Before we can even have a conversation about whether or not there should even be a presentation, or whether the content is worth presenting, we're already anchored into slides and text and length. The right feedback might be: Do a presentation, but no slides. It might be: Use 100 slides. But these things rarely come up because the entire discussion was anchored at the start.

Great editors, great strategy consultants, great friends--they're generous enough and bold enough to unanchor the conversation and get to the original why at the beginning of a string of decisions.

Once in a while, start with zero, not with what might be the standard right now.

Still Alice

Lisa Genova, author of Still Alice, is a neuroscientist. The director, Richard Glatzer, while making this movie was himself battling a neuro degenerative disease, and I guess it's that, with Juliana Moore's powerful and gripping portrayal, that gives us this deep and sensitive movie, one that moved me to the core.

Alice,  is a linguistic professor diagnosed with an early onset of Alzheimer's, at 50, at the peak of her career. She starts to notice little aberrations, like forgetting words in between lectures, losing her way on her daily walk..... and she slowly acknowledges there's a problem. She visits a neurosurgeon..... and then starts the process of diagnosis, her coming to terms with the disorder.....and the ensuing struggle of living with it.

As Alice says at one point, 'I am not suffering the disease, I'm struggling to live it....I'm trying to master the art of losing'. As a linguistics professor, her identity is so defined by her intellect, her love for language and her own articulation, that it makes it that much more dreaded. 

Her family a loving husband (Alec Baldwin) and three grown up children are understanding and supportive but you can see where the strain and patience starts to wear.......starts with her husband saying "whatever happens, I'll be there", but there's the stress from his need to focus on his career.  The movie pretty much stays focused on her perspective, her journey. It's an internal battle with her own identity and need to stay herself.

Lydia, her youngest daughter, (Kristen Stewart) the rebel of the family who has given up college for theater, has a strained relationship with her mother, yet, seems the one to ultimately connect. She asks her mother "how does it feel?"  And when Alice says "I have good days and bad, and in good days I can almost pass for a normal person, and in bad days, I'm searching for myself" ........ Lydia says, 'that's sounds like a horror story', you know that's the deepest level of empathy and understanding she can give her.  I loved the passion that Kristen brings to screen in her very presence.

There's some sequences which just stay with you: like how she's constantly playing scrabble on her phone and she goes from a 66-point score, with a well-placed 'hadj', to a shadow of the player she used to be, laying down 'tone' for a mere 6.

There's this sequence of Alice listening to her past self. Alice in the early stage of her illness is well aware of how it can progress, and she records a video to her future self, guiding suicide, should the situation arise. The earlier Alice, talking with love, patience and certainty as though to a child, and the Alice of now listening with trust and recognition....and effort to follow instructions. It's one of the most poignant and shattering sequences.

It's also interesting to what extent Alice uses technology in most innovative ways to keep her memory going, answering questions on daily basis, doing simple spellings, her children's names ......I also read that Richard Glatzer uses technology as much to battle his motor neurone condition, his own indomitable spirit matching that of the film's protagonist.

While the disease reaches it's inevitable conquer of the body, the movie is yet defiant, insightful and uplifting in spirit.

I chose this picture (photograph above) as it seems to epitomize her issue........

'I miss myself'

as can happen with a brain disorder, and as epitomized in the title...... Is she still Alice? And also to acknowledge the author..... I'm sure it's a book that has helped many understand the trauma and struggle of those inflicted by Alzheimer's. 

Listening - A Poem

A beautiful poem by an unknown author;

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why
I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something
to solve my problem,
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.

Listen! All I ask is that you listen.
Don’t talk or do – just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get
you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham
in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering,
but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can
and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and
inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact
that I feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational,
then I can stop trying to convince
you and get about this business
of understanding what’s behind
this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are
obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.

So please listen, and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute
for your turn – and I will listen to you.

Author Unknown

The Power of Introverts: Susan Cain

A worthwhile watch, especially for parents with children who are the quiet ones. It's a very deep level of conditioning which pushes us to say, outgoing and amiable and friendly are the way to be.... and it's so much unwarranted pressure on those who are really not, and don't want to be.

On the kids basically, as once you're adult, you're either changed by the pressure or you've atleast learnt to deal with it, with goodness knows how much suppressed guilt and angst.

Inside Out

A delightful and insightful journey inside the mind of an eleven year old, a coming to age movie of a different kind. It's been reviewed as Pixar's best to date, and I get why.

The entire movie happens inside Riley's head with the main characters being ones basic emotions......joy, sadness, fear, anger and disgust.

The conceptualization and animation is simply marvelous... crazy imagination and inventiveness in designing and visualizing the inside of the mind. I love the varied dimensions and depth;  all memories stacked away in layers and layers of subconscious mind, a dream production center, an abstract thought place, a central console which acts as filter and driver. Then there's the distinction between random memories and core memories and how the core memories build out your personality islands. They are visualized as the pillars on which you stand..... of things that really matter to you.... your value systems....almost like what defines you.

While Joy seems to take charge from the word go.........through the process of growth she realizes that all emotions have their place and need to be there. I particularly loved the scene when Bing Bong, Riley's imaginary friend is upset, then sadness gets close.....hugs him.....there's moments there and maybe a few tears.....and in a while he's up and about. Joy is so amazed, she's like...how did you do that?

This is not really kid stuff........I'm sure it would also have gone a long way in helping many a child (and many a parent too :), understand, articulate and label their emotions......... a huge step in self awareness. 

Yale Open Courses

The other day a friend asked what I think about  'Teaching', like what I would expect of a 'Teacher'

I'm sure we've all thought about it at some point or the other.  So, what would it be? Maybe a teacher who can create or rather bring out the natural curiosity of the child, someone who can grow that sense of wonder, the imagination, the yearning.......stuff like that, right?

Sadly, it would have been easier to answer what it should not be, as we see a lot more of that happen....... in terms of curriculum, system, teaching...all of that. Anyways, net net, all those amazing subjects we did in school, Physics and Geography and History, which were so boring now sound so so interesting. And of course there's Astronomy and Psychology and Anthropology and such which we never even did in school.

In this context, when I chanced upon the Yale Open Courses I was thrilled beyond words. It's the actual recorded Yale graduate courses which are available online.

From the Yale Website:

Open Yale Courses provides free and open access to a selection of introductory courses taught by distinguished teachers and scholars at Yale University. The aim of the project is to expand access to educational materials for all who wish to learn.

We welcome you to explore Open Yale Courses where you can discover a wide range of timely and timeless topics taught by Yale professors, each with a unique perspective and an individual interpretation of a particular field of study. We hope the lectures and other course materials, which reflect the values of a Yale liberal arts education, inspire your own critical thinking and creative imagination. We greatly appreciate your enthusiastic response to this initiative and hope you will stay in touch!

It's quite incredible and I'm so enjoying them. Also, it's teaching at an altogether different level, guess Yale is not Yale for nothing. 

And that's also when I found that there are more such amazingly high quality courses available online (for free). 

HarvardX
Yale
Coursera

See if you can find something of interest to you. It's pretty amazing stuff..... a joy just to listen to.