Ricky and The Flash

This was possibly my first Meryl Streep movie in a theater, or atleast after a long long while. Possibly after Kramer Vs Kramer, so in itself a treat. 

It's Meryl in a  really different kind of gig.... she plays a rock 'n roll singer and guitarist.... and I thought she put the stage on fire. When she's singing on stage, I almost forgot it was a movie, and wanted to clap after a number. The energy she brings in is captivating.

Her love interest in the movie was played by Rick Springfield, an Australian guitarist, and per girija, he was h.h.hot . Music was good, it had something like 12 to 13 numbers, mostly by the band Ricky and Flash, his band.

But in terms of a story and depth of emotions I thought it sort of fell short, unless the intent was to do a shallow touch of some really complex and deep feelings.

She is a one time wife and mother, who left behind her husband and three little children to follow her dream, and she is called back to be with her daughter, who is depressed and suicidal because her husband left her for another woman.  It's about her chance for redemption kinds, how she deals with the resentment and anger of her three children, the difficult daughter, a son who is engaged but doesn't want his mother at the engagement, and the other son who is gay but feels she never accepted his being gay.

She struggles with the whole situation, you see signs of pain, fear, guilt maybe.....she does what she can, and does it the way she knows best, even if it means getting her daughter to skip a therapy session and have an evening smoking marijuana. And it seems to work too.

The eventual loyalty to her dream and clarity of thought was endearing. The nice part was that she stays loyal to her dream, her music and is comfortable admitting to the world that she might have fallen short as a mother in giving to the children, but the one thing she could give was her music. 

The scene of a confrontation with her husbands wife was well done, where the now wife is this cocksure, confident, nice person but who puts Meryl into a defensive position as she's showing her who's mom now......and in that state Meryl is at her weakest and the cracks show....but guess it goes to show those cracks could surface, long as you can deal with them and deep down you fundamentally know.

Also, liked the last scene at her sons wedding, where she's standing by the side with her daughter, which was like the final acceptance from the daughter, and this was played by her real daughter, Mamie Gummer. This one....

Another Meryl Streep winner....as just a movie, I'd say ok,ok.....but if you're a big one for Meryl Streep and or for Music, you should go.

Thanks Girija, and with this, you sure become our full time planner for movies and events :)

On The Paradox of Friendship and Separation by Simone Weil

This came into my inbox this morning, a write up by Maria Popova, and I guess it touched me somewhere deep enough to want to put it  'as is' in here:

"Friendship is one of life's greatest graces, and yet we hardly understand the gossamer threads of sympathy and love by which it binds us together. C.S. Lewis likened it to philosophy, art, and the universe itself in that "it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival." Aristotle saw it as a mirror we hold up to one another. For Emerson, it was the product of truth and tenderness. For David Whyte, it is "a mirror to presence and a testament to forgiveness."

One of the most profound meditations on friendship comes from French philosopher Simone Weil, 1909 - 1943, a woman of immense insight on such complexities as how to make use of our suffering and what it takes to be a complete human being.

                              

It is a fault to wish to be understood before we have made ourselves clear to ourselves.

To desire friendship is a great fault. Friendship should be a gratuitous joy like those afforded by art or life. It is one of those things which are added unto us. Every dream of friendship deserves to be shattered… Friendship is not to be sought, not to be dreamed, not to be desired; it is to be exercised 

Friendship cannot be separated from reality any more than the beautiful. It is a miracle, like the beautiful. And the miracle consists simply in the fact that it exists.

In keeping with this Zen-like notion, Weil argues that the sympathetic communion of friendship is a complement, not a counterpoint, to our essential capacity for solitude:

Keep your solitude… When you are given true affection there will be no opposition between interior solitude and friendship, quite the reverse.

But Weil's most striking stance of friendship bridged the philosophical with the practical – the very survival of her ideas is the direct product of friendship.

In June of 1941, when the antisemitic laws of the Nazi administration barred her from teaching philosophy at the University, Weil decided to work on a farm in the country for the same reason she had labored incognito at a car factory some years earlier – to better understand the human experience and its most trying dimensions. A friend of Weil's introduced her to a farmer named Gustave Thibon, six years her senior, who she hoped would take her on as a worker.

                                      

In the introduction to Gravity and Grace, Thibon – who eventually became a philosopher himself and lived to be ninety-seven, outliving Weil by nearly six decades – recounts his initial skepticism:

I am a little suspicious of graduates in philosophy, and so for intellectuals who want to return to the land, I am well enough acquainted with them to know that, with a few rare exceptions, they belong to that order of ranks whose undertakings generally come to a bad end. My first impulse was therefore to refuse.

Still, he relented and took a chance on this earnest young woman. The relationship, Thibon writes, was "friendly but uncomfortable" at first and the two "disagreed on practically everything." But he soon came to see that Weil was indeed one of those rare exceptions – her combination of sincerity, goodwill, and genius won him over and the two developed a deep friendship that outlasted Weil's weeks on the farm.

In 1942, as the Nazi occupation drove Weil out of her homeland and she reluctantly headed to New York, Thibon met her at the train station. She handed him a giant portfolio of her papers with the instruction of taking care of them during her exile. And so he did, binding them with the thread of friendship into a lasting volume of ideas that continue to ennoble and illuminate long after Weil's untimely death – Thibon curated her writings for posterity, in the truest sense of the word, which has its roots in the Latin cura, "to care for."

In a letter to Thibon, included in his book Simone Weil as We Knew Her, Weil writes from America:

The joy of meeting and the sorrow of separation … we should welcome these gifts … with our whole soul, and experience to the full, and with the same gratitude, all the sweetness or bitterness as the case may be. Meeting and separation are two forms of friendship that contain the same good, in the one case through pleasure and in the other through sorrow… Soon there will be distance between us. Let us love this distance which is wholly woven of friendship, for those who do not love each other are not separated.

In the introduction to Gravity and Grace, Thibon shares another 1942 letter from Weil, which further speaks to her idealism about friendship:

Dear Friend,

It seems as though the time has now really come for us to say goodbye to each other... Human existence is so fragile a thing and exposed to such dangers that I cannot love without trembling.

I also like to think that after the slight shock of separation you will not feel any sorrow ... and that if you should sometimes happen to think of me you will do so as one thinks of a book one read in childhood. I do not want ever to occupy a different place from that in the hearts of those I love, because then I can be sure of never causing them any unhappiness.

A few months later, Weil left for England, where she died on August 24, 1943, at the age of only thirty-four. Her ideas, collected in Gravity and Grace, endure as the book one is always reading in childhood – that is, in the sincerest, truest, most ennobled part of the psyche.

Decision Making

People often say that they find it hard to make decisions.

Unfortunately we all have to make decisions all the time, ranging from trivial issues like what to have for lunch, what to wear to work, right up to life-changing decisions like what to study, what kind of job, who to live with, where to live....

Some people put off making decisions by endlessly searching for more information or more clarity, and meanwhile maybe have the 'no decision' become a decision, or have the decision taken for them.

When I start with Calvin, I can't seem to stop :)

Anyways, not sure how cultural it is, but I think it's highly influenced by culture, atleast in India we know. Here, neither our parenting approach nor our education system really gear us for decision making, leave alone good decision making. 

Parents mostly just make the decisions for children, they largely don't think it's even required that children be involved in a family decision. Leave alone family decisions.....even decisions to do with the children themselves. 

I remember when Dhruva had his hair to shoulder length, and someone said to me that we should get it cut. I was like, 'he likes it, it's his hair, let him be.... and he won't let us anyways'. And they were like, 'what do you mean he won't let you, just take him and get it done'. A very typical attitude. 

Our education system...... just that bit worse. They don't even motivate or encourage any original thinking......it's mostly rote and reproduce that gets rewarded, so decision making never seems to come into the picture.

Quite naturally the outcome would be that as adults, we are ill equipped to take decision. And net net....most folks are happy letting decisions get taken for them, and most things are done...well because that's the way it's always been done. They seem to forget that they have a choice.

Maybe that’s why people who do make decisions will say, 'I’m a very determined person, once I make a decision, it's done, there’s no way I’m changing it'. And that’s something that's like a credit.... like a good thing. God knows how, but its stuff people are proud of. 

In this sphere, one thing which I learnt, again at Google......... a seemingly innocuous lesson, as simple as its sensible:

When you take a decision on Monday, and there's a factor that effects it on Tuesday, revisit your decision on Wednesday.

The Celestine Prophecy - James Redfield

The Celestine Prophecy is a spiritual adventure, weaving into its fold  beauty, energy, coincidence, auras, psychic phenomena, mystical experiences, engaging the flow...all towards a spiritual awakening.

I'd read this book twenty years back, and did a re-read now. Back then I read it with wonder and fascination, as it was my first exposure to the concept of energy underlying everything, especially being controlled by thought. Today I think I read it as yeah sure, this is what it is, yet enjoyed it as much.

He basically talks about how nothing in life is a co-incidence and how we can tune into the energy of the universe to increase our own energy, and how we can use this energy to have better and more energized relationships, at an individual level and an evolution level.

It was the biggest selling title in the world for three years in a row from 1996 to 1999. And what's best is that it was just word of mouth that turned it into a hyperseller. In fact it was self published, and it's when it started catching on that Warner bought the rights. 

Reactions to it apparently, fell into two distinct buckets; 'It is utter trash' and 'It changed my life'.  I'll undoubtedly fit myself into the latter...... anything mystical has been my thing since I was ten I think, actually even before, considering I was named using the Ouija board by my grandfathers spirit, with my grandmother as medium :) 

The underlying theme is what I found interesting this time round; an emerging humanity-wide consciousness, which kind of fits, it's also what is spoken of in another iconic book 'The Autobiography of a Yogi' by Paramahamsa Yogananda. And it so fits the story of all these new age spiritual gurus and the growth of their following.

Like, the 'Art of Living' is having their silver jubilee event next year and they are expecting a whopping 35 lakh people from across the world, and they will all be doing the sudarshan kriya at one place at one time. Imagine the energy vibration that can create. Could be an amazing experience.

The book talks through nine insights that will change the way you look at yourself, your relationships, and the world. It is set in Peru and ,it's made me add Machu Picchu to my 'to see' list. 

The idea of synchronicity was first postulated by Carl Jung, but Redfield revived interest in it by saying that coincidences were happening more often, to a greater number of people, and that they were somehow linked to our evolution as a species.

Start watching for the ones that happen in your life, and the more you become aware of them, and the more you connect to the energy, the more you'll find them happen. Really :)

As the author notes in the introduction, this tale will appeal to seekers who know that "life is really about spiritual unfolding that is personal and enchanting — an unfolding that no science or philosophy or religion has yet fully charted."

How do we relate to our external circumstances

How much do external factors influence our inner well being?

No, it's not an obvious answer. Think about it. It's all about how much you LET it happen. Atleast, I'd say, that's the aspirational space to be.

                                                          Diksha, doing something inception style with the camera

This piece of gyan came to me first, the hard way, like twenty years back. I was working in IDBI Bangalore, and I wanted Leave to go to Hyd, and I go tell my boss. He looks at me and very casually says 'you seem to be always on leave'. You wouldn't believe impact. I got so upset, and so mad that I walked out of his room with not just high adrenaline but tears smarting my eyes.

That it may have been in jest, or casual, or the truth...all became irrelevant, I was hurt and angry and that's all that mattered.  Anyways, I walk out and pick up a random newspaper, and through those tears this small snippet caught my eye. Guess God put it there :)

It said, Íf you let others influence the way you feel, it means you are giving them control over your life'. And something just clicked. Manogaran controlling my life? No way. I wasn't going to be giving Manogaran any level of control over my life. Again ego I guess, but it worked; and poof....all anger and resentment was gone.

That worked brilliantly for Manogaran, and with it a lot of other facets, but it took me years and years and years before it worked for rest of life. And just when I thought I'd gotten to where I wanted to be, life gives you these jolts to show you you're still in process :)

But considering it's aspirational space and all that, let's see how it can be enabled, what does it take to be so grounded that the control vests within.

A loose form of Tamasik, Rajasik and Saatvik:

• I let a lot of things rattle me......I function majorly through the ego or I easily move into victim space
• I'm mostly at peace...... I've risen above most things, but there's an inner circle of influence that continues to impact me
• I'm beyond it all, nothing touches me........Highest level of awareness and consciousness

We could identify where we are and where we'd like to be. Maybe use a scale of 0 to 10, with say buckets of 3, fit ourselves in and then set a goal. There are ways and means of moving up that scale, so many tools you can use. 10 can be the utopic space, so we'll leave that out for a while.

A key is to have these core principles that guide you, just have your own and bring them up when you're in a dilemma. Also awareness. There's this guy who wrote this book called 'The art of thinking clearly', in which he talks of errors of thinking, and he says when he has to make a decision, like a major decision, he actually runs through it like a checklist to make sure his thinking is not caught up in those errors.  Our mind is way more conditioned than we think, you know.

If one can center oneself enough to let that clarity come in, it could be an interesting road to take.

I'm going to try :)

On Giving - Kahlil Gibran

You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked,
through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive
is joy greater than giving.
And is there aught you would withhold?
All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be
yours and not your inheritors'.

And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies
in the courage and the confidence,
nay the charity, of receiving?
And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride,
that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?
See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.
For in truth it is life that gives unto life while you,
who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.

And you receivers... and you are all receivers...
assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke
upon yourself and upon him who gives.
Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be over mindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity
who has the free hearted earth for mother, and God for father.

Labeling Emotions - A Deep Dive

'The ability to recognize and label feelings is a core component of emotional mindfulness.'

We've spoken about Living in Mindfulness. Even the Cherokee tale of yesterday is essentially that, right....be mindful of which wolf you're feeding. 

So let's go a little deeper, like a 101 on mindfulness, and maybe this will be the sequel to the emotional intelligence post, which to some sounded like just a teaser :)

                                        

Apparently, it is difficult to properly identify and label the myriad emotions we experience on a regular basis and there is growing evidence that as a culture we are largely emotionally illiterate (Gratz & Roemer, 2004). To draw an analogy, we are constantly taking black and white photographs of the very colorful scenes of our lives.

Simply put, this is to say that, one, there are multiple emotions which we need to be able to recognize and understand, in order to be able to better navigate. That said, it's not an endless list and with a little effort, you'll get pretty good at it. What's to watch out for is when they come nuanced or disguised, as it's not uncommon to simultaneously experience multiple emotions, sometimes even conflicting emotions.  Then other times, feelings may seem to switch rapidly between one and another. But once you start to label, you'll find it getting easier by the day. It's just like in any other sphere; practice makes perfect.

Now, why do we need to label? Can't we just let it pass. You know it will go away, so we typically either push it away, or distract ourselves.  Well.......you can be sure that what's pushed under the carpet is accumulating as baggage.

Instead of trying to push an emotion away, the idea is to draw it closer by feeling it, identifying it, and putting a label on it. Recognizing and naming an emotion can have a powerful effect on quelling it and enabling acceptance.

Psych professor Matthew Lieberman, calls it “affect labeling.” You can use affect labeling to help yourself and others. Using brain imaging, Lieberman and colleagues noticed that when asked to label a strong emotion, research subjects showed less activity in the amygdala and greater activity in a region of the brain associated with vigilance and discrimination.

The less aware we are of our emotions, the less likely we are to figure out how to best regulate them. (Vine & Aldao, 2014).

If you want to control your emotions better during difficult conversations, do something counter-intuitive: Give up trying not to feel them. Instead, put a label on them.

For the sceptics.....does it take away spontaneity? No, mindfulness helps handle the negative emotions and thereby build healthier relationships....no ones saying fiddle with the positive ones. Let those flow and be as joyful as they can be. 

As a practice, emotional intelligence enables more empowering relationships.

An Old Cherokee Tale

One evening, an elderly cherokee told his grandson about the battle that goes on inside people:

He said 'My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all. One is evil: it is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins'

The old cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed"

It came up because Diksha wants to get a tattoo depicting this, and while I wasn't too sure about the tattoo, the story is surely nice; one of those simple and forever truths.

Toxic People

A few years back someone very close to me had been to see a counselor,  and one thing which the counselor said kind of struck home, just by virtue of it's honesty and simplicity.

There are Toxic people, whether you like it or not. There are people who give negative energy and when we are not strong enough, that negative energy affects us. To the extent possible, be aware and stay away she had said.

She asked Jay ( I know no one called Jay, plain decoy :), to sort emotions into a positive and negative frame, and then asked what influences each. And it figured that most negative moods and emotions that drag you down are caused by other people.

The doc said, the first step is to recognize people who are a positive influence and those that are negative. She said, people will come in all forms, it's about how much you will not let it influence you negatively. Now, while we can shield ourselves internally from this, it takes a lot of energy.

She said the first and simplest thing to do is to try and stay away from the negative, to the extent possible. She added saying, you can, of course, do this fairly easily for those people with who you have a choice, but if it is your teachers or colleagues or family, there you can only minimize influence. But where there is a choice, and where you can exercise a choice, do.

We then did this exercise of who are those toxic people; it started with downright negative people and then became a fun exercise of what kind we still wouldn't want to hang around with, and that list looked like this:

Negative people: the ones who are always critical, always cribbing. Most comments from them have a negative tang. They will see only the problems and never talk of solutions. Sure they might agree with things you say which are positive, but pro actively do they add positivity?

This can also be people who won't say much, but their very demeanor is negative.and a drag.

Passive Aggressive People: They easily pass for normal because the negativity is very passive, and it can easily slide under the radar. These people usually won’t be outrightly harmful, all that they do will go disguised as real normal..... and you won't even know it's impact, sometimes until years..... they just erode your very soul over time. 

Victims: People who will always blame circumstance or others for what happens to them. They will never take responsibility for their own lives, and if you're in their close circle, there's high chance you will be made responsible for everything bad that happens to them. I once heard a cab mate tell her friend 'my mom seems to blame me for everything that happens in the house, or to her, in fact if she could I think she'll even blame the Iraq war on me (and she was crying, so it was an appeal and not a joke ) 

Manipulative : These are people who will so subtly manipulate you that you won't even know it; over a period you'll find yourself doing things you don't like to do, you might even resent doing it, but do it you will.  They'll typically play the guilt card,  and you will feel you owe it to them, worse still, that you are the nicer or the stronger and so you are doing it. Sneaky stuff.

Boring People: Just plain boring, where the conversation can't hold your interest for long

Unintelligent: To me they quickly fall into the boring bucket. You spend some time with them and you're waiting for the meet time to be done with.

Indecisive people: They will never take a decision, they might even manipulate you into taking the decision and if the decision goes wrong, you can bet you'll hear of it, and maybe over and over.

Was an interesting exercise. And I think it not just helped Jay, but it helped me understand better too....always stuff to learn, remember??

Now these are all qualities. No one might be any of this, all the time. Nor does it mean we may not have one or more of these qualities to some extent ourselves, or behave such at some points. 

It's just about which of these are the predominant qualities, what do equations with such people  do to you over time. Not to judge, not to get upset........no, let them be what they are......but to know... just to be able to better handle yourself.....for your own better being.

A  mistake a lot of us make is to believe that we can change people, the oldest, stupidest and costliest of mistakes I think.  Instead focus on what you can do, accept or change ( not them. you, or your situation)

Don't shy away from labeling. You need to be able to label, to be able to handle.

I Didn't Do Anything

Another one from Seth:

'I didn't do anything"

That's the first and best defense every toddler learns. If you don't do anything, you don't get in trouble.

Somewhere along the way, it flips. "I didn't do anything when I had the chance," becomes a regret. The lost opportunity, the hand not extended, the skill not learned...

Wouldn't it be great if we knew what our regrets were when we still had time to do something about them?

Air Pressure in Tyres

Yesterday I had to get diesel for the car, and I also got the air pressure checked. I guess I was doing the air filling thingy after a long gap, so when I drove out of the bunk, I felt the distinct difference....like the road was cushioned or something, real nice drive, so real nice feeling.

                                

What came to mind is our driver, Prabhakar ji, in Bihar. The six days of the trip he must have filled in air atleast seven times, and I'd be surprised each time, as I do it once or twice a month. It seemed like too many times, or maybe it comes from the pathetically bad roads plus the extensive driving we were doing.  And each time we'd drive out of the gas station he'd be......wah, kya baath hai, kitna acha lag raha hai, naya jaisa.......madam, batao, hai ki nahi? 

It somehow struck me today that he might have been doing something right. He didn't wait for the pressure to go down. He kept it in good place and also acknowledged and appreciated the good place and feel. (he was forever in high spirits, though he had horrible road rage....maybe too much air pressure, you think? ) 

Anyways, there's apparently this theory which talks of how closely connected we are to some of our gadgets and tools; phones, laptops, (or maybe cars ), and how they reflect us..... like our state of mind, our energy levels. For instance, if your phone or laptop is constantly running out of charge, it could be a sign . 

And I can vouch for a level of veracity in this. I have a friend whose phone and laptop are forever running out of charge, at times in the middle of critical presentations and meetings. And you could easily draw a parallel to her own outlook.

Think about it. It could be your car, your phone, your house, and of course you too; look for those signs, it might help you understand yourself better.

It's actually making me wonder; when I was all set for my big road trip, I'm chatting with a friend and he asks 'did you check your tyres?' and I thought he meant air pressure, and I'm like yes. Then he's like, no, I mean the threading, and I had no clue how to read that. So first thing next morning I visit a tyre shop, and what do I find? That the alignment was totally off, tyres were real bad and I had to actually change all the tyres for new.

I didn't ask then, I'm thinking now......do I need some realignment in life....I wonder ??

Yeah, I'm in a full on reading the signs mode :)

How Much Do We Really See

It's been three weeks since my asthma thingy, and the heavy life saving medication that got me out of the spot.

Now, if the steroids saved my life, they also did a few other things ......... one among which was to give me a moon face, as it's called.

Now, the funny thing is that I didn't know. It took a visit to my cousins place and for him to tell me. That's a bit of a surprise. After all, I must look at my face in the mirror atleast a few times each day, and of course I care, and yet I missed it.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not cribbing.....I'm grateful to the steroids and all that, after all they saved my life. But what I want to bring out here is that, that is all I knew. What about the other stuff . ( Just noting the positive stuff is not necessarily a positive trait ).

If a visually visible impact can be missed so easily, what of those we can't see. We don't seem to see even what we can see ( yes, easier to do betty butcher bought some butter but the butter was bitter.....:).

What happens to the stuff that's impacting you within....  and especially if it's turning you into something you are intrinsically not.

It reminds me of the frog in the boiling water story. For those who might not have read:

                                       

If you put a frog into a kettle of boiling water, it will immediately leap out.

On the other hand, if you put a frog into a kettle of cold water and gradually heat the water, it just stays. It stays in even as the water gets hot...... even as the water gets very hot..... even when it starts to boil...... until is even dies. 

Its used as an illustration to show how survival instincts are geared to detect sudden changes, but the same risk fed gradually is not detected. 

This is a sure wake up call for me. Especially when I thought I was fairly aware....shows me there's a long way to go, and somewhere maybe that we have a tendency to get complacent. Well, if we don't want to, then let's be more aware.....let's learn to read those signs....stay tuned to the temperature of the water :)

The Cider House Rules

The Cider House Rules is a powerful movie set in the backdrop of world war II. A movie with seriousness and depth, with brilliant visuals, amazing performances and a wonderful old world feel. 

                                               

Homer Wells, the central character, (played to perfection by Tobey Maguire), an orphan in St.Cloud orphanage in rural Maine (exceptionally beautiful countryside), is brought up and tutored in medicine by Dr.Larch, played by Michael Caine. While Dr Larch is a liberal thinker who talks of the rights of the Individual, Homer yet starts his journey with a rigid standpoint on rights and wrongs, and is totally against the illegal abortions performed by Dr.Larch.

He then goes out into the world with Wally and Candy (who visit the orphanage), lives in Wallys farm, working as an apple picker alongwith a negro picker team. Wally goes off to war, and there's a sweet love affair between Candy and Homer, though Candy is betrothed to Wally.

Wally returns from war, part paralysed and there's an interesting situation. Candy is in a difficult spot and yet says she wants to do nothing. We see Homer's deeper level of awareness and ability to think, when he forces thought....says 'nothing' is also a decision and do we want to live by a decision that gets taken for us. Candy makes her choice and he makes his. Poignant moments there.

                                                       

It's based on a book by John Irving, and just as he has in his other books, he questions and explores these odd sexual equations. This one has a father daughter relationship, where the father is actually in love with his daughter, and she gets pregnant and that again pushes Homer to see where the individual is bigger than the rule when he offers to help with the abortion.

And it's through these two intense experiences that we see him grow to question rules, and make the final choice of burning the rule book. It ends on such a high note of hope and possibilities that you can't but leave with a song in the heart. Strong recommendation to watch.

A Books Coup

This is a seemingly crazy, eccentric project that my cousin Swaroop is on......the extent people with a passion will go to.

So there's this couple, a brother and sister pair, (both of who never got married), and the brother passed away recently. The sister, who is now 92, decided to sell their collection of books, 6000 books, for a lumpsum amount of 2.5 lakh. And yes, Swaroop bought it. In fact the first time he went to Chennai (from Bangalore) to take them, she started crying saying she's not ready to part with them, and he very generously, and kindly I think, agreed to make another trip. 

The brother Shri Ramaswami was editor of Hindu and the sister was a professor of literature or history, just to give you a range of the interests the books cover. There's everything....cricket, philosophy, history, fiction, national geographics from the 20's, and lots of other stuff. Like Razors edge and Gone with the wind, 1940s prints.

The fact that Ramaswami was a cricket buff was I think , the deciding factor for Swaroop to pick up the collection. (he otherwise will not spend money easily....and that's understating it)

I went to his house yesterday and it looks like this:

There are 81 cartons  !!

He's now into the painstaking but super pleasurable job (if this is sounding near orgasmic..it's meant to ;), of going through the lot...... cataloging them, filling up all possible shelves in the house, buying more book shelves......he says it feels like digging for treasure........and after keeping what he wants, he's going to look for buyers who really care. 

These are all the books on cricket that have already found place in his bedroom shelf. He's got some real precious ones there...I think he mentioned one by Don Bradman, and he's got the entire Wisden collection, right from 1920s ( for those like me, who don't know, this is apparently the Bible of Cricket ).

This was the coup I think, a signed copy by Ranji. ( yes, the one after who the Ranji Trophy is named).

If it wasn't for my recent asthma thingy, I would have taken off work to be part of this project :(

Anyone who might be interested, or know anyone who might be interested, do let me know. He eventually needs buyers, as right now, there's no place for anything else in his house :)

Freedom

Well, what better day to talk of Freedom than Independence Day, right?

And then to quote Gandhiji too......but that's just by chance. The freedom I'm quoting Gandhi for is really not, with all due respect, about India gaining freedom from British rule, or Non violence or Dandi March or any of that. It's about the freedom he exemplified in his life.  

A defining moment happened to me when I visited Sabarmati Ashram about four years ago. Not sure what about the place did it......if it's the energy of the place, or the aura, or the atmosphere...but it was a surreal experience. I remember telling Dhruva, who was also with me, that something was happening and could he feel it......because I could so distinctly feel it.....whatever that 'it' is.... It was an intense experience.

And I think it gets best exemplified in 'Be the change you want to see in the world'. 

It's about how he exemplified freedom. His own story, of how he evolved as an individual, his ability to talk of his mistakes, his learnings, and how he changed and grew as an individual. A giant of man in personifying living by ones principles. And how that enabled him to attract the energy and consciousness by which he could change the destiny of a whole nation. 

Can we look for this freedom within. Can we grow beyond 'control', live by our own choices, our own principles.

Growth is a continuing process......... and there's no growth without the freedom to take those chances, to make those mistakes, and then to learn from them. It goes on.......

Notes, not received

Another one from Seth

An expected apology rarely makes things better. But an expected apology that never arrives can make things worse.

An expected thank you note rarely satifies. But an expected thank you that never arrives can make things worse.

On the other hand, the unexpected praise or apology, the one that comes out of the blue, can change everything.

It's easier than ever to reach out and speak up. Sad, then, how rarely we do it when it's not expected.

A Hyderabad That Was

Got these on Whats App today.....

Thanks Ravi, for forwarding these inspite of my rigid 'no forwards' stand :)

A 'Let's Dance' Moment

This is a moment which marked a dream come true to Girija, and I must give kudos there. Take a bow pal.

                                                        That's Girija on stage

And why it becomes a big moment; It's because I've heard her talk of wanting to dance for over fifteen years now, maybe even more. This goes way back to when we were both with IDBI.  Once we even surreptitiously decided we'll go learn dance. (why surreptitiously is a long story which we won't delve into here). She did all the spade work, the finding out...... we went to the dance school, and after all that she never joined, and I ended up doing two years of Salsa :)

Then years later she decided she'd do Tai Chi which is a Japanese dance form, with super slow dance movements, and she did a lot of work on that too, but for whatever reason even that didn't happen.

Then five years back she spoke of  joining uday shankars dance school, and again that wasn't to be.

She'd talk of how she thought she must have been a court dancer in her previous birth and stuff....and then you know the yearning runs deep.

So, coming from there, to actually see her on stage today, as part of a contemporary dance.... well, it felt so so so good. She showed me the bruises from the practice..... with so much pride, like they were life's little pleasures. 

And what's more, she even spoke on behalf of the dance school and I'm sure that must be inspiration to others who might be sitting back with, it's too late to dance, especially to learn. 

Some more pictures from the evening:

 Kala Soudha, a nice cosy auditorium with an old world feel.

 Kartik Tantra, the dance teacher. Another inspiration for others. He's a software guy, but who runs this dance school called Abstractics ( abstract ideas put to tactical perfection through dance).

 This was a nice contemporary and classical dance fusion

Another group dance

Girija again

And know what she said after the event, when I asked her how it felt? She says, 'it's where I belong, there on that stage...... it's not the audience, it's the stage, like it was always meant to be'. Well, glad once more. 

Proud of you my dear friend.......Encore ! Encore !

How to Love

“Nothing is mysterious, no human relation. Except love.” Susan Santog

Doubt anybody would debate that one. You can still parse, decipher, identify, slot and understand all other emotions, but when it comes to the most elemental of emotions, there seems to be that one part which is just beyond.... that defies rationalization.

Sure, there's folks who'll define, believe, don't believe, explain... in terms of fondness, affection, freedom, trust, attraction, lust, vibes.....and I guess it would be all of that, plus more. It's not for nothing that 'what is love' is a most searched for phrase on Google :) (zeitgeist data)

So let's not go to the What of it....will bow to acceptance there.  Let's embrace the mystery. 

Let's instead look at the How of it, and that's where I really liked what Thich Nhat Hanh says when he talks of 'How to Love' in terms of mastering the art on InterBeing:

“To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love.” Thich Nhat Hanh

                                               

To receive his teachings one must make an active commitment not to succumb to the modern pathology of cynicism... our flawed self-protection mechanism that readily dismisses anything sincere and true as simplistic or naïve, even if, or precisely because, we know that all real truth and sincerity are simple by virtue of being true and sincere.

Nhat Hanh says, the question becomes how to grow our own hearts, which begins with a commitment to understand and bear witness to our own suffering:(suffering here not in the typical dramatic sense, but in the Buddhist sense of life's ordeals or livings)

When we feed and support our own happiness, 

we are nourishing our ability to love. 

That’s why to love means to learn 

the art of nourishing our happiness.

He points out the crucial difference between infatuation, which replaces any real understanding of the other with a fantasy of who he or she can be for us, and true love:

Often, we get crushes on others not because we truly love and understand them, but to distract ourselves from our suffering. When we learn to love and understand ourselves and have true compassion for ourselves, then we can truly love and understand another person.

Real, truthful love, he argues, is rooted in four elements — loving kindness, compassion, joy, and equanimity — fostering which lends love “the element of holiness.” 

The essence of loving kindness is being able to offer happiness. You can be the sunshine for another person. You can’t offer happiness until you have it for yourself. So build a home inside by accepting yourself and learning to love and heal yourself. Learn how to practice mindfulness in such a way that you can create moments of happiness and joy for your own nourishment. Then you have something to offer the other person.

If you have enough understanding and love, then every moment — whether it’s spent making breakfast, driving the car, watering the garden, or doing anything else in your day — can be a moment of joy.

This interrelatedness of self and other is manifested in the fourth element as well, equanimity, the Sanskrit word for which — upeksha — is also translated as “inclusiveness” and “nondiscrimination”:

In a deep relationship, there’s no longer a boundary between you and the other person. You are her and she is you. Your suffering is her suffering.  Suffering and happiness are no longer individual matters. What happens to your loved one happens to you. What happens to you happens to your loved one. You can no longer say, “That’s your problem.”

Supplementing the four core elements are also the subsidiary elements of trust and respect, the currency of love’s deep mutuality:

When you love someone, you have to have trust and confidence. Love without trust is not yet love. Of course, first you have to have trust, respect, and confidence in yourself. Trust that you have a good and compassionate nature. You are part of the universe; you are made of stars. When you look at your loved one, you see that he is also made of stars and carries eternity inside. Looking in this way, we naturally feel reverence. True love cannot be without trust and respect for oneself and for the other person.

To love without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. To know how to love someone, we have to understand them. To understand, we need to listen.

The more you understand, the more you love; the more you love, the more you understand. They are two sides of one reality. The mind of love and the mind of understanding are the same.

What I heard yet again: Mindfulness. Mindfulness to enable Deep Listening........ Listening to the self and Listening to the other 

An Year Into Blogging

I did a lot of, should I......should I not.......on this post.

And then realized, that this, above all else, has been such a unique experience, that if I didn't, I'd be, so to say, circumventing the pivot.

                            

                                                 Just the nostalgia of the fountain pen ....sigh!!

This last month I've already done two 'An Years',  'An Year in Bangalore' and 'An Year with SELCO', and they've both meant so much in terms of change, risk, fun, learning and such. Good stuff...but in the realm of normal.......great normal, but normal, like.... you know.

But writing.....I think that takes experience to a whole new level. Like if I actually had to stack rank, it would be way up there.  I'm talking here of writing as an expression....be it diary, scribbling, blog, letters and stuff.

If I can talk just of the enormity of impact that writing has enabled, it would be a tribute. So here goes.....

So, what's the big deal, right? You have thoughts, and you put them down, and fiddle around some and voila......it's done

Well, won't deny many write ups are like that, but the one's that are not?

There you'd be amazed. It just doesn't work like that. When you start to put pen to paper ( metaphors come from conditioned space), within a few minutes you'll start to realize you are actually saying different and new things, some nice, wonderful and clear.....some crazy confusing. What's worse they're at times not even consistent, and worst worst....at times actually even contradictory. It's crazy how you end up having to actually start and restart, think through from the beginning......from the middle, from the side.....from different perspectives, and how you'll find yourself reach spaces you've only barely touched, unfamiliar areas, mixed thoughts....

It gradually shifts you from living life in a nebulous, default zone to one that's more conscious, more aware.....you know the why of things.....and what's best, you live in a zone that has the why answered. It doesn't just change the way you think...it changes the way you live, the way you are.

Think of it this way......We all have an inner voice that speaks non stop, all kinds of thoughts, it's almost always on. Lets say this inner voice is like a friend. And with writing, this inner voice becomes this really intelligent and wise and interesting friend. Can you imagine the amount of growth and learning impact when you spend so much time with that level of intelligence? All of us have that potential, we just need to tap in :)

And that's the magic space.....where there's clear conversation within.

Today researchers are studying whether the power of writing — and then rewriting — your personal story can lead to behavioral changes and improve happiness.  

Researchers believe that by writing and then editing our own stories, we can change our perceptions of ourselves and identify obstacles that stand in the way of better life and even health, that it can improve mood disorders, help reduce symptoms among cancer patients, improve a person’s health after a heart attack, reduce doctor visits and  boost memory.

It may sound like self-help nonsense, but research suggests the effects are real.

I fully Agree

It's enabled an inner journey......an awakening so to say, on par with, maybe even more than, Vipassana, or Pranic Healing. A complete shift in energy and knowing consciousness that actually steers life.

It is a level of clarity and awareness, and I guess outlook and attitude that kind of puts you in one sort of invincible space. (retaining bragging rights here). I sometimes could get jealous of myself.....funnily...like thinking, oh my god, this is so good...don't ever forget to be grateful. Oh my god, how does something so brilliant keep getting better? And know what? It actually does :)

So in essence, a real pivot. 

I'd say it's a brilliant tool to get to a space of Thoughts, Feelings and Actions Aligned. My definition of Honesty and Heaven.

Interesting tweak

'If today were the last day of your life, what would you be doing'. We've all heard that one, lots.

I liked this tweaked version I came across today:

What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

Pehli Baar

Love the Energy of the Song and Sequence :)

Fallacy of The Single Cause

The Fallacy of the Single Cause, is assuming one cause or reason, where actually there are multiple causes or reasons. 

It's a very common mental or thinking error; x occurred after y, so x must be the cause of y.

Example:

Vijay: I ran my car off the the road because that dog ran in front of my car.

Officer: You don’t think it had anything to do with the fact that you were trying to text your girlfriend, and drunk?

Explanation: While if it were not for the dog, perhaps Vijay wouldn’t have banged his car. However, if it weren’t for him texting while driving, plus being drunk, he could have almost certainly found a more efficient dog avoiding tactic.

I was myself guilty of one such.  I banged the SUV in front of me pretty bad, and squarely said he'd braked too suddenly. Well, that was true. What I also knew was that , that was the day I'd been told I'd gotten transferred on my job. Interesting to be aware.(my thinking then said I was using excuses for the accident...today I know it was reason too, not just excuse).

Almost any situation is driven by multiple causes, and such causal complexity underlies even situations or events that appear to be fundamentally clear-cut. There is always a mixture of factors that bring about an event. 

The great Russian writer Leo Tolstoy beautifully illustrated this point in his classic novel War and Peace; there is a complex cause even behind an apple falling from a tree or for Napoleon’s invasion of Russia :

When an apple has ripened and falls, why does it fall? Because of its attraction to the earth, because its stalk withers, because it is dried by the sun, because it grows heavier, because the wind shakes it, or because the boy standing below wants to eat it? 

Nothing is the cause. All this is only the coincidence of conditions in which all vital organic and elemental events occur to enable an occurrence. 

Equally right or wrong is he who says that Napoleon went to Moscow because he wanted to, and perished because the Czar desired his destruction, and he who says that an undermined hill weighing a million tons fell because the last navvy struck it for the last time with his mattock. In historic events the so-called great men are labels giving names to events, and like labels they have but the smallest connection with the event itself.

Getting to grips with causal complexity is indispensible for effective strategic and analytic thinking, especially for our ability to diagnose the problem, to understand what factors are responsible for the problem and what prevents possible solutions. Yet, our minds are inclined to look for and settle on a single cause, neglecting any causal complexity. 

This fallacy is particularly easy to notice in the media. Political pundits will ask what the cause of a crisis is. Business analysts will ask what has been the cause of Apple’s success. Such discussions imply that there is a single cause responsible for the outcome. Many of the so-called strategy experts may be equally prone to this oversimplification bias, often suggesting that the sole cause of a successful political or marketing campaign is the leader’s strategic intent or a similar cause.

The First World War, cancer, a friends divorce, the worldwide success of a company, the invention of writing – any clear-thinking person knows that no single factor leads to such events.

Rather, there are hundreds, thousands, an infinite number of factors that add up. Still, we keep trying to pin the blame on just one.

This is not only wrong but also morally questionable. As long as we believe in singular reasons, we will always be able to trace triumphs or disasters back to individuals and stamp them ‘responsible’.

Good to be aware, as this is something we typically do even in day to day situations, where we could potentially end up taking, or putting responsibility on singular people or things way more than what needs. My personal takeaway? Don't waste too much effort and energy on trying to pin the cause of why we are where we are ....instead, focus on where you want to be or where you want to go :)

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence is defined as :

a) the ability to recognize emotions, one's own and the others
b) ability to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and
c) to use that awareness to enhance thought and behavior

                                       

As a theory and as a term, it was introduced as recently as the mid 90s by John Mayer and Peter Salovey, and they have proven, not only that emotional intelligence exists, but that it is as established an intelligence as IQ .

Goleman in his popular book, 'Working with Emotional Intelligence', indicated that EQ accounted for 67% of the abilities deemed necessary for superior performance in leaders, and mattered TWICE as much as technical expertise or IQ. Studies have in fact shown that people with high emotional intelligence have greater mental health, exemplary job performance, and more potent leadership skills.

A Challenge.....Emotional Intelligence doesn't as easily translate across Different Personalities or Geographies 

There's folks who will let you in easy, and there are those who won't. Then there are the different expressions that come out of cultural contexts, more so Geographies

In the US, for instance, its totally acceptable and even expected and admirable to show enthusiasm, even in a business setting, whereas with Asians, especially Japanese or Chinese, individuals are not typically emotionally expressive. Even if they feel excited about their work, they will rarely show it explicitly. 

Then even in the west, the UK is so different from the US. A truly outstanding achievement, for example, is often characterized as 'not bad'. And when people ask how each other are doing, the typical answer is 'fine', which after the “Great!” or “Good!” of the US, starts to sound pale. Tough, huh?

An anecdote from Google comes to mind:

There was this colleague, Minsuh Sung, who'd moved from Korea to Mountain View. She'd had her six month performance review, and apparently a period she had thought was going great, turned out in the end to be a disaster....... and all because of extensive sugar coated feedback through the period.

So, it's about how much we know, how well we know, how well we tune in, and all of that. The issue however, is that this is emotional space.......dynamic space and so, we're pretty much functioning in potential minefield area. Rather, even when we are aware, in moments of emotional stress, we fall back into a pattern we know, and gauge based on our own impressions of acceptability and expectation. 

Given these differences and the importance of getting it right when communicating, what's the best thing to do? A first tip is to treat emotions like another language. If you’re moving cities, you’re bound to learn the language, or at least some key phrases, right. Treat emotions in the same way.

Try your best to learn the language of emotions. Observe whether people tend to express emotions readily or keep them to themselves. Diagnose any gaps between how you’d express emotions and how people you’ll be interacting with express emotion.

Emotions are tricky business, but paying attention to and understanding the language of emotions can be a simultaneously challenging, and fulfilling experience.

                     

Little Manhattan

A movie that will make you Smile.....

A super sweet, first crush, love story between 10 year old Gabe and 11 year old Rosemary. It's so refreshing, so tender, and so un selfconscious in expression, it makes you wonder.... and feel deep good, at the beauty and charm of the emotions

Watch it, whatever be the mood.....One of those that should stay in the repertoire, for views and re views :)

Can We Talk About This - 2

This is again from Seth, and he didn't call it '2'......I just did :)

"Can we talk about this?"

That simple question is the litmus test for a productive relationship.

If one professional says it to another, the answer is an emotion-free, "sure." There's no baggage. Talking is the point. Talking is what we do. We communicate to solve problems.

On the other hand, if the question brings with it fear and agitation and, "uh oh, what's wrong," you can bet that important stuff goes undiscussed all the time.

An Year with SELCO

A month into SELCO, and in a meeting I was asked to narrate how my experience of joining SELCO came about, and how it feels now.

A recount of that:

The story began almost an year before I actually joined SELCO, and when I was yet with Google. In Google, we have something called a speaker series, where once in a while, we have folks from different fields come and give short talks. I was a big fan of the project, as it gives you access and insights into so many different kinds of people, especially those who've broken off the trodden path so to say......wonderful tool to expand horizons.

One such talk was from Harish, and days after the talk I found it was still working on my mind. 33% of India not connected to the grid...... 400 million people in the country with not even access to electricity. 

At first I didn't even believe the statistic. I actually used Google to validate for myself .

Then the thought germinated, actualized and I knew it's what I wanted to be doing.  I called Harish and said, 'Give me a role.......any role..... any salary; I'll quit tomorrow and come'. And that's how it started.

It took us almost an year to actually work out the quitting, the move, the role and all those nitty gritties. But what I'd like to bring out here is that once you have that clarity on what you want, you'll find so many wheels start to whirr to enable that to happen. They did.

Clarity.. ...all nice sounding and true and all...... but I was for sure racked with doubt through the process. While one part of me wanted SELCO, the other didn't want to leave Hyderabad. So starts the gruelling process of lots of questions, lots of thinking, lots of doubt....... all that you have to go through for change, any major decision making.

I realized that Clarity will only tell you about the What of it. The How of it has to be the Leap of Faith.

There's three little stories or rather lines, which were huge enablers through that process:

Story 1: A quote from Bruce Lee:

When going into a fight, don't go with conditions; expect and be prepared for bruises and broken bones.

A friend said this, at the perfect moment I guess....because that's when I was toying with thoughts of ......should I take long leave and try, maybe a sabbatical...not throw up Google. But when that one line sinks in....  it just tilts the balance, and that's the only way to give your 100%.

Story 2: A quote from Mandela:

Courage is not the absence of Fear, it's Feeling the Fear and Yet going forward.

That again made a huge difference to me. Each time I was on the verge of major decisions, I'd be waiting for solutions all the way round....like having all answers, complete acceptance from within, ...and then I'd be confused on why all the questions were not going away, why there are still fears. In fact I think  I wasted a lot of years of my life, just waiting for that level of assurance before moving. Not anymore.

Story 3: Never Start with Constraints

Know that there will be constraints and obstacles. And that they will rush at you. It's that survivor instinct, it'll tell you that you are already in good place, give you justifications on why you should not move, show you all the difficulties. Totally worth remembering this. Look beyond the constraints. Look at what you want.

Now that's the story. Back to the meeting.......

Harish was like 'So, how has it been, have you been bruised?'. And my answer was a 'Yes'........and there are times it continues to happen. But if the goal is to get electricity to that 33% , one cannot be letting dusty district buses, six day weeks, or dingy rural  hotels stop you.

Know what you want, and you'll find what it takes !!

And know what's best?   Bruises and Broken Bones notwithstanding, Life becomes a blast :)